bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №99726
 26.06.2014
xxx: I had an OZK chemistry somewhere. Here it will be an offgenic spectacle: such a customer comes in, and here a guy in the chemistry crunches on a cut under the Aztec heavyweight, chanting with a grout through the anti-gas filter.

It's fine, someday in my workshop (computer and near-computer rails are repaired) a daylight lamp crashed from the ceiling behind some fig, and crashed capital, a new one was sought for a few days, and a workshop in the basement, that is, windows are not provided in principle. And even the cuddled cat slipped through the ventilation not clearly from where and died a little without adding to the hole, in connection with which the smell there stood just heart-threatening. In order to not smell so strongly, I had to place a few flavored candles, which as badly got red and flushed left red streams and bunches of red paraffin on the floor.
Woooot...
And now the picture with oil: The client goes down to the basement, passes into the room, where in the dark, in the light of the flashlight, under the thunderstorm, the long-haired body instruments with a solder, and around him here and there red undertones, like intestines, hanging from the tables. And all this spectacle is complemented by the persistent smell of carcass.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №99725
 26.06.2014
Sasha_Pain: Oh, names ;D My favorite topic. If I translate the second part of my nick from English, I will get my last name ;D I like it very much, I don't even know whether to change it in the future for courage or not. It will not be better anyway.)

If a son is born, be sure to call him Maxim. and ;)

Whc: May Name from Hort. by Batt Hort.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №99724
 26.06.2014
XXX: I look at the vacancies on the website.
MCU "Service of city cemeteries"Leading lawyer
The only lawyer in the institution.
The only living lawyer in the institution.

WOW :
quiet and calm customers, peaceful atmosphere... deadlines all in the past... come to us to work!

xxx: ahahaha


[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №99723
 26.06.2014
Lost the Internet, I call the operator with a bad voice, I demand explanations...
The operator shakes 30 seconds and gives out:"You have a session suspended"
The only thing I could say was: What is the session? I have been working for a long time!
I probably heard how the operator rjet)))

[ + 37 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №99722
 26.06.2014
I am standing in the box with a cart. A mother with a troubled son. My son is periodically pulling my cart from his side. I talk to him sometimes with disapproval, but for now I’m silent.
Suddenly I recall that the preservatives stockpile at home is close to completion. Not thinking for a long time, I take a pack for 12 pieces from the stand and throw it into my cart.
I see the child’s mother’s suspicious eyes.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №99721
 26.06.2014
From the discussion of repellents in the forum:
When traveling to highly mosquito-borne places, I take a PMM (modified Makarov pistol), with lighting and a laser target. It is best to target the mosquito in the eye, but even if the hand shakes, and you get into his ear - the mosquito, of course, will not kill, but his health will not be the same.

[ + 31 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №99720
 26.06.2014
E-cigarette, rubber woman, non-alcoholic beer... what next?
YYY: And that’s what you’re writing to me in the simulator?? to

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №99719
 26.06.2014
The Habr:

XHH: The forums are very complaining about high crime, have you encountered it in these three years?
WOW: Crime here is at the collective, primitive level. They are mostly trying to steal quickly. But that is not a problem. The main thing is not to give a reason. You cannot leave things unattended. You need to close the doors well, put good locks. I have not been stolen for three years. But I know of a case when people on the 3rd floor climbed through the window to steal the refrigerator with food.

[ + 52 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №99718
 26.06.2014
We correctly calculate fuel consumption - 600 km divided by 100 liters! We get that the hammer eats only 6l/100 km, and that’s not enough! I speak to you as an engineer.

____________

You are an engineer, not an engineer. I am telling you as a student.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №99717
 26.06.2014
to this:

No need to think about how to earn both on the tower.
__________________________

Explain to me someone (we are not locals ourselves), where does the general opinion that parents need to earn a child on the tower come from? What does this mean? Studying in Oxford? Sponsoring scientific experiences? I have a friend, all crying that her life is difficult, because her mother did not give her education at the time. What had her mother to do? She ate, drank, dressed, did not drive out of the house. True, the daughter did not want to act with the help of the brains, and to pay for admission mother refused - apparently, this is her deepest fault, and there is no forgiveness for her.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №99716
 26.06.2014
My companion is very self-sufficient, even on the phone called the box office movie tickets to book, at that end, so they say- "but, what can I help?", and he so appeals to me -"oh, and what to answer, what do we want?" Me this is his character trait, at the end I got, I answer -bl#@de ask - what are the peppers in Ukraine!" He stumbled, looked at me, turned and replies on the phone uncertainly-"am...and what are the peppers in Ukraine?...O_o

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №99715
 26.06.2014
Fifty Shades of Grey is the story of how a 3-year-old boy walked in a white jacket on a children's stove.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №99714
 26.06.2014
Let me bring the quote to the end.

Do not read Soviet newspapers until lunch.
There are no others!
Do not read any of them!

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №99713
 26.06.2014
What happens if a glass of water is poured out into space?
— — —
You will laugh, but it will boil and freeze :)

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №99712
 26.06.2014
to this:
And yes, cats are better at apologizing than girls.
___
They know better than girls. Cats never feel guilty.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №99711
 26.06.2014
And now, with the beginning of the holiday season, you and I have the opportunity to observe a surprising phenomenon: the seasonal migration of a huge bunch of diverse shit from the balconies and chulans of the citizens to their mansions. This process is widespread in Russia and the former Union in general. Many Western counselors have shaken their brains trying to understand the meaning of this process. Their cold rational mind is unable to understand why they need to wash, for example, rotted shoes a hundred kilometers away, to throw them out there. The brains of Soviet and Russian researchers behind them, with the slightest hint on the irrationality of these migrations, are subjected to harsh rape by their initiators. The main carriers are various creatures from the units of husbands and daughters.
Q: Do you want to go to D?
I have a broken laundry :(

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №99710
 26.06.2014
For the litre-benzo kilometers:

I put together clocks and cats, multiplying them into people.
Take care of your health if you are not sorry!
But why read the condition: once - multiplied, two - added.
This is not a clever science, if you look at the answer.
Only the grandfather of the younger grandson was 5 years old.
And to the town of Sverdlovsk Nalchik was closer than Kamishlov,
An Indian boy ate 125 elephants.
The journey to Mars was a short 200 liters to Earth.
Two and a half boys and a half girl went to school.

When I was a child, I laughed at the twins.

[ + 21 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №99709
 26.06.2014
I was in Murmansk a long time ago. I went to a network supermarket, exactly the same one we have in Moscow in the neighboring house. On average, the prices of all rubles are 5-50 lower for the same products. The range is much larger. A, they also have a holiday of 53 days and "northern".
I am looking for something special for big. Where are the best prices and more options? In the Peter. And with shipping by mail once in 2 times cheaper than ordering on the Moscow website with courier delivery. And all kinds of funny monuments to birds and cats ' for good luck' and museums, museums, museums.
of Krasnodar. The most delicious Cuban tomatoes, not evergreen greenhouse something.
Altai - excellent honey, clean air and fantastic nature.
Kaliningrad... emm... – Kaliningrad!
Veliki Novgorod - the Kremlin, a museum with Bibles, beaches, apple gardens, people who sincerely love their city and are ready to tell its history for hours?
Vyborg - interesting architecture, pre-racial parks, good people, wild northern nature.
Novorossiysk - the opportunity to engage in windsurfing, windsurfing, diving and snorkeling all year round, steep fishing of non-six-eyed three-headed mutants and muddy moscovite.
Anapa - paraplans, deltaplans, horse rides in the mountains, the sea from May to October, apricots and cherries on the streets instead of wicked topols.
Adygeia - rafting, trial, excursions to the sea through the mountains, wonderful water from which the hair is like silk.
The list can be continued to infinity.
And I, fucking, now what, hate all Russia?

[ + 49 - ] Comment quote №99708
 26.06.2014
"Fonnadke" by Lennon:

by Maelinhon:
I bought dark glasses today. Seller for 40 years.
Can I help you something?
Yes, I need glasses "under Lennon"
What is?
- Well you know, they are so called - "in the style of Lennon", round, with a thin footer.
In what style...? whom?
The People Around – John Lennon! and Lennon!
Who is this...?
- O_____O
Oh god, here are they, here are they hanging.
I’m angry, girl, you’re confusing me. This is called a circle! A round look!
Quadro Facepalm

= = = = = is = is = is = is = is = is = is = is = is = is
And what, to say simply "Round glasses" religion did not allow?
I myself wear the same when I was looking, honestly said that they needed round. Answers from sellers:
Round like a bicycle, right?
How is the cat Basilio?
How about Ozzy Osbourne?
What is "Leon"? (There was a movie with Jean Reno)
How about Harry Potter? (This is a classic)
In the style of "The Blind Pew"?
And the most original – "O! The round! Like Steve Jobs!"
No one remembered Lennon.
Morality – do not fuck, but speak simply. In addition, Lennon himself wore glasses of any shape.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №99707
 26.06.2014
Yesterday at 12 o’clock I spoke three times in the mirror to the Bloody Mary and the nihua didn’t happen.
Well, I did almost the same and everything went well with me.
How did he do almost the same?? to
In the bar.

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