The Best First Dates



I offer to your attention my selection of quotes on the most epically unsuccessful dates, collected from all sorts of sites, publications and forums :)

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When the date was in the middle of the day, the guy saw a pigeon and shouted, "Oh, you are such a creature!" He ran after him and did not return.

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And then the uncle begins to tell that, say, he is an ex-pilot, his "eyes like the eyes of the flies are seen at 360 degrees", and sharply goes to the story of how gentle he will be in bed.

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I deliberately contained his laughter until he began to praise his faith. For a long time, he told how good he was to his brothers and sisters in their sect. I asked if he was Jehovah, and he answered so seriously, “No, I’m a dwarf. We pray for the holes.” I only had time to ask, in the face of suffocating hysteria, “What, for all?”

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I once got a guy with Atyrau offered a virtual cunny (he got his long tongue on the video and moved it) and virtual sex (he was fucking the carpet on the video)...

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The most terrible first date I had was with a guy who brought his mother to the cafe. He said that his mom’s opinion is most important to him, so if she doesn’t like her, then there’s no point wasting time and money on her.

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There were a lot of people in the park, it was already dark and the lights were burning. And then my cavalier got tired of boasting some techniques of karate, and he found nothing better than to jump and hit the lamp with his foot. The next took a couple of seconds: the lamp opened and went out, the guy fell to the ground and wept, all the people passing by wept in laughter, the guy could not withstand such a shame, got up and ran to the exit of the park, continuing to scream.

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If we do not go into details, it turned out that the prince is expressive only by sight, and strong if only in chess. After some indefinite number of attempts to bring to life the ever-falling enthusiasm, the lady suggested, let us go somehow differently, go our own path, as we are used to speak on television in such cases. And if without searches, then I am here for myself, and you are here literally next to yourself, as you need there, inspired by my bold example. In general, this process came to an end, our heroine, as is the case with the educated lady, who is looked at and equal, beautifully brought herself to the grand final, a little artistically stood and looked in love in the eyes of her reckless man. Then he made a proud move with his beard and said, "Oh yes, baby, you will always end up with me!"

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His eyes came out of the orbits, although they weren’t big (he for some reason pushed them out each time), he spoke very loudly. The menu was rotated for 20 minutes. I waited for his choice. He lifted up his frightening eyes and shouted, “Maybe by a borscher?”

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Having felt that her lips were dry, she got her inexpensive glow for the lips of a rather popular brand and saw that the guy literally shrugged: "Oh God! This is anything? Why are you putting that shit? Buy a normal dior. I have a transparent pink, I’m very pleased with it!” And I got my own! Brightness for the lips. Until then, I thought the boys weren’t painting.

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I think, “It’s uncomfortable somehow to merge right away.” And here we sit, and here he says, “I’d fuck you, but I’m slow now. Do you eat wheat?“”

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In the softest tone and with the most serious face, I began to insinuate to him that I was not worthy of him. “I’m recently in Moscow, I rent a room, there is no citizenship, there is no license. I am practically a gastroenterologist, can you bring me to your apartment? Your mother won’t allow it.” The tummy ran on his face, and I was even ashamed. Here, I think, now will say, I am of pure heart, and you are for some reason joking and mocking. And then he says, "And you will say that you are pregnant, and my mom will allow!"

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And he started complaining to me that he never had long relationships with girls because he had too little dignity. I tried to translate the conversation into another topic: nevertheless, I am not so educated to just get up in the middle of a conversation and leave the table, even if the conversation is so silly. But he finally rejected all the desire to continue sitting with him with only a replica, pronounced with the expression of such universal despair, as if a puppy had been killed in his eyes: "Listen, and what are we pulling? Let me show you, and you will immediately tell you if this size will fit you or not. Or we’ll meet for a week and you’ll leave me.”

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“How many floors in your house?” The answer is “9”. He said, “Why not seven?” To be honest, this question put me in a deadlock and I didn’t answer anything. After that, he told me for 20 minutes that he was confident that houses should be built on 7 floors because it was much better than 9 and he liked it more.

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Who are you working for? - asked me a potential applicant for my hand, heart and other requirements.I replied that the sales manager.- Of course, nothing interesting, - he concluded live. I have a creative job. I am a merchandiser, I will store cheese in stores and store it in vitrines.For the next twenty minutes he told me in paint why his profession is the most honorable and respected in the world. Because this is not everybody’s shoulder!“I go to any supermarket, I have a special BADJIK,” he proudly said. “The director is well!” As a result, I refused to suck the proposed fruit ice, bought myself a plombier, and while I was calculating, my gentleman skillfully pretended that he was very busy studying the vitrine, looking to evaluate whether the cheeses were professionally broken down.

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He told me about the conspiracies of Russia, that before the government meetings everyone there listened to Jewish songs. He concluded the monologue by saying that "men came from God and women from monkeys."

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It was as terrible as my life.

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I go past the Ermitage on Monday morning and see that a man 10-15 years older than me is rushing into the door with an unclear sight. It turned out French, on the fingers explained to him that the museum is closed, and he asks where else you can go, explain on the fingers, he says you can show. Ok, I'll show you, we go on Nevsky, we went to the bookstore, we bought a Russian-French conversation, we go, we talk. Here he grabs my hand, pulls me into the nearest pit and begins to climb where it is not necessary, and at the same time says, "I know, everyone told me that everything is possible here." Well, I, not thinking long, catch the stick and kajak I will give him on the back and arms and legs, 5-6 times hit with all the doors, and I say, "You are right here everything is possible."

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He admitted that he was 21, and he was a virgin, then said that I was exciting him, and offered me to be on top. He also told me a dream, as if his penis took eggs in his hands, like bags, and left.

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Sports pants, socks, rubber shells, T-shirt - "Hello, 93 years old". He was a “psychologist” of some rank. But in principle, what does it matter what a person looks like if he is an adequate interlocutor? An appropriate interlocutor stretched out his hand to me as a greeting. The whole visible part of the arm was covered with some kind of ulcers... To my silent question, the “psychologist” answered simply: “Aaaah.” Don’t worry, I’m smoking my hand.

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I met a guy on the phone someday, said he was cast Angelina Jolie.

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I put on shoes. My legs were clogged, we were late on the tram, we walked, he came on my foot, and I began to feel my legs.

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Give to friends. I sleep. I do not touch anyone. Suddenly a creature enters the room. A thick ruby in a gray beard. He is not just entering! On it is a beetle, on the legs striped ghettos, between the beetle and the ghettos nothing (!) not stressed. But behind the back are attached wings from the children's set "Carnival costume of the little fairy". And he shouted with joy, “I am the shamel of Zhuzhou! I am excited! I can be sorry!” And then I realized only that I was talking about compassionate insects, which I am terribly afraid of - my phobia. The Intermediate Ganglio gave the team a "sweep". The whole people fled, and the sham was terribly ashamed. Like every human being whom friends contemplate with wings, but without cowards.

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We went into some basement, and there the tables are high, just like from the Soviet stations, behind which you can only stand. The local people gathered for beer. And I am disassembled. He ordered us two teas with lemon in a plastic cup and then said, “Walk like that!” I ordered tea again.

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The next day he called, said, said, apologized for yesterday, "I generally like soul sex." I didn’t know what it was, but Apollo quickly explained to the fool that soul sex is when our souls, not bodies, merge together. Simply put, masturbation is just called each other.

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We walked in the park, sat on the bench and a duck floats to us and begins to crack. He stands up and how can you scream at her, “Why are you screaming here, stupid duck? What are you looking at me?” People are turning around, I first thought he’s turning. But not.

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Not only was he stuck in the car for a funeral, he also offered to have sex in it!

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Then he said to me, “Can I tell you a secret?” Well, of course, I’m curious... He says, “I really like beautiful women’s underwear. With myself...”

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And then I noticed that he, I apologize, got... eee... his “genital organ,” and is engaged in self-satisfaction. Right next to me, while continuing as if there was nothing to say. As he explained later, he thought I would not notice because it was dark.

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In the 40th minute, he told me about the ritual of restoring virginity. I need to go through it in any way.

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I was bored for an entire hour, then I began to call myself UG, typically "I UG". At first I wanted to convince him, but he was all dumb and dumb, how unhappy he was, there was no girlfriend, there was no sex, the job was also UG...

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I was caught on this VDNH without water and food for three hours. Periodically he walked into the bushes, as he expressed himself, "pudding the straw".

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Some quotes have been edited, the most obvious mistakes or inappropriate nonsense have been removed, in the rest the author’s style and vocabulary have been preserved.