I don’t know how about the cook, but the speaker can be any taxi driver.

Well, let’s probably continue the cycle of scammers. I would like to share one episode from my career. However, "investigation" is difficult to call, there was a difficulty of two pennies, but the case, I think, is quite fun and something instructive. Dear readers, judge for yourself. As usual, I warn you, it will be long.

Politically correct fraudsters

The epigram "Learn, learn and learn" (Soviet slogan, derived from the article V.I. Ulyanov’s “Better less, but better” (1923)

Seven years ago, I worked in a company for a very serious job. Per for the first time in my career, my position was virtually not related to audits and audits, but more focused on corporate governance. But experience, as you know, won’t be drunk.

My new company was a bit unusual. Even if it was American (i.e. In the United States, there was a high-level leadership. founders-immigrants), but the vast majority of employees worked in the CIS, where I actually went several times a year. Two, it was frozen for the entire tower on observance of all kinds of "righteousnesses", "tolerance", "correctnesses", etc. For me, who have just worked for more than four years among long-haul drivers, carpenters, warehouses and spare parts/machinery vendors, where such things were like from another planet, it was a certain cultural shock.

Of course, business business, but we can safely say that the company was disproportionately managed by the human resources department. More precisely, “eichar”, as the department officially magnified, even in Russian-speaking countries. Each body, barely sitting on a chair, had to think about "personal development", set "targets", and regularly go to a special intranet page to undergo "virtual training". In addition, each employee was relying on “peer buddy” and, of course, “coach.” All these training, coaching, and targets were intended to “integrate into the inner culture” of any free mustang who had come from the wild prairies into this company.

On the first day of work, I sat down at the computer and opened my mailbox. To be honest, I thought he would be virginally clean. Well, a maximum of one or two letters, such as “Welcome to our company.” Ha ha ha. I was waiting for at least 20 messages from Eichar. It turned out that I, a bastard, had not yet started to work, had already delayed 10 "trainings" and did not sign a dozen and a half forms. And until I do all this, there can be no other work or talk.

All these courses of self-education were reduced to one principle, tolerance and being a spider. To say, the primary sexual characteristics in the corridors do not flatter, weak gender for secondary sexual characteristics publicly do not flatter, adherents of same-sex sexual relations pido... tifu, gay not to call, and generally treat them with all affection. By the way, transgender people also need to sympathize and not have nightmares for a few Afro-Americans.

Next is more. Waste must be sorted, listen to a lecture on saving paper, and how it will affect the environment, enroll in some forum (such as "protecting penguins when cutting trees in the Sahara"), sign a form on denying violence in the working environment (that is, it would not be easy for anyone to clean the fountain), develop humanity with constant enlightenment, bring the image of the brand to the masses, etc. and etc. To document all your steps, to make charts, then to create “creative reports”, to discuss “development” with “Department heads” and “coaches” on a regular basis. And they, in turn, should send reports above and “analyze trends” of their “human resources.”

I was even more or less fortunate, being in the United States (where the highest generality was sneezing on these Eicharov powers), I was quite removed from all these abominations. But here my employees in the CIS received their weekly portion of internal spam, which they were forced to react to by abandoning all other business. Stupid letters to the mail are nonsense. What was worse was that all the offices, especially the main, were continuously whispering "eichars and eichars" and got all in a row, writing "notebooks" and "actions" for "non-compliance". And where they were just recruited, as if one mother gave birth and gave it to the zoo for upbringing. I have never encountered such a general rejection of one particular department.

Pulled boyfriend boys in stretching pants and pink shirts with narrow necklaces and thickly smashed girls in challenging dresses and boots on high heels with a whistle appeared from nowhere and created the appearance of boiling activity, starting a storm in a glass of water.
How are you not ashamed, why is there not a poster with internal standards? I was angry, nervous with my heels.
Who is in charge of the diversification forum? He shouted a terrible young man.
Why didn’t we get an analysis of the progress report? Another lady grumbled, demonstrating the mighty, tight Persians.
You have not missed the ratings of your resources. We warned you last week, another glossy puppy grabbed the head, repairing a broken, angry head.
When did you take a course on corporate ethics? It would be good to repeat, - subtly hinted on the inconsistency of the next commissioner, shining with a manicure and wrapping the whole department with a sharp smell of spirits.

This brotherhood was headed by a certain Timur with assistants: Yanah - who headed the personnel department itself and Ole - who headed the training system, the so-called "training lead". Noise, obviously, they created a lot, but I never saw a special meaning, although I honestly tried. Moreover, the arrogance of the newly appeared patricians and the indulgence of the viewers from above down on us, the plebees, has already touched everyone.

No, do not misunderstand it. I am the first to acknowledge that a competent HR department is a force and an essential tool in corporate governance. And I will vote with both hands for the training of employees. But there was a clear fanaticism on the face. From the harassment of this polished gang, my colleagues have already poured out on the moon, quietly mated and dreamed of revenge. So it happened that the "witch's hammer" had to perform for me. It happened almost accidentally.

During the next visit I spoke with a local accountant, Vera. Do you remember Ludmila Prokofievna from K/F "Official Roman"? That’s just she, just a little older. The lady of the strong Soviet hardening, she has these newly-appeared chopsticks in her throat.
I believe, I say. - Listen, I went to my favorite hobby here, I analyzed the expenses. I just started, but I already see that our glamorous kiso is ahead of the entire planet. All these pompeousnesses go into the native company in a fierce bowl. I am far from the field, and you are fighting over the battle. Tell me, as an artist to the artist, what exhausts are there from them?
Looking at the root, he breathes. I think it is a mouse. Profit from them, like a pig to cut - a lot of whiskers, little wool. Here, not further than this morning, Olya pulled another bill for training payments. It screams that urgently, blood from the nose, today must be paid.
Take a look at the sport. and contracts as well. Why is this urgent?
He said he was late and the training started today. Someone missed something for some reason, Timur only yesterday received the contract and signed it. They convinced the teacher to leave without paying in advance. Payment must be made without delay.
Let’s see why they get married.

I checked, the total amounts are huge. Then I looked at it in detail and whispered.
Does anyone read these treaties at all? Except for Timur and Olli.
Maybe the lawyers. My business is small, the contract is signed, the account is, I make the payment, the fund manager makes the payment.
Does the boss look?
I don’t know, let’s ask her.

We come and ask.
Are you looking at the contract?
I watched, but honestly not always. These did not look. I cannot easily.
Then we play the game “Who, Who, Where?” Attention, the first question. What is the average accountant in the country? In dollars for the sake of simplicity.
Well, immediately after the universe, $ 500 edak.
is excellent. Do you know what the hourly rate for training in these contracts? $400 per hour. In an hour. And this is in a country of not yet defeated socialism. Even high-end lawyers in New York do not take that much in an hour. Isn’t that a blatant doubt?
That was what I asked before. They say that the coach is painfully cool, the courses are very specific.
We have to complain about the market. As Stanislavsky said, “I don’t believe.” Okay well. Attention, the second question. Who is ready to go to work on May holidays (the case occurred in the end of April)?
What do I need? The choir is interested in Vera and Alla. If necessary, our department will leave, but of course, we’t want to.
They would be ashamed. You don’t want to, and people are throwing on the Nepali flag. Go out for training... attention – the drumming sounds – from April 28 to May 10. On a bloody weekend. That’s what I understand, that’s the company’s commitment. And, note, they will learn, without regret, 12 hours a day. And all with the same mysterious guru teacher. The main theme is “effective management of personnel.” This is not I invent, and the time, the timing, and the teacher, everything is stated in the contract.
So let me see? She said Alla. I watched. Do you know who they are teaching?
Hit me in the very heart.
To ourselves, loved ones. Thus e. The staff and development department orders training for themselves. You know, here, under the contract, the action will be at the building. Let’s look at these students.

We visited all the conference halls. O gods of gods, all are empty. I passed through the staff department. What a coincidence, nobody learns. Everyone is busy with their business.

Old contracts and accounts have been lifted. It was so simple that it wasn’t even funny. The staff and training department has successfully ordered "training" from a couple of suppliers for years. Occasionally they were actually carried out, but most often these orders were for themselves. That is the most basic scheme. But nobody even thought that the most politically correct and tolerant leaders of the department were industrializing this. By the way, very lucky, in a couple of years dropped from the company about 600 pieces of evergreen.

You can imagine the end yourself. Without such "managers" the department was rapidly discouraged. Yes, and glamorous girls and loose boys disappeared somewhere, literally in a couple of months.

Well, when I returned from a business trip for the "eichar", I filled out the form, marked the "targets", wrote the "development and enhensment plan", all as the regulations require. There was no way to send those papers. I tried so. It is offensive.

When the Federation Council announced that a murder suspect would be arrested now, half of the senators grabbed the heart. The other half did not understand Russian.