Xxx: I’m going on the bus, I’m going to get out at the stop. I approached the door, and in front of me was a girl with a three-year-old boy. The girl has a bag in her hands, a bag, and the street is slippery, so when the door opened, I picked up the baby’s ankles and put it on the ground. Instead of thanking me, my mother looked at me with horror-filled eyes and said, “What did you do?” I realized that I made a mistake when I heard the scream, “YAYA HOTEEEEL SAAAM!” Apologizing, I rushed to work as it happened to me with this couple was on the way and all the way I listened to or that he wanted to go out by himself

Xxx: During a fight, one of my children broke a window, and 20 years later they still didn’t admit who did it. They don’t know I have a video from a surveillance camera, and I’m planning to show it at a criminal wedding.

How can you tell the difference between a man and a monkey?
The monkey has everything. A man says one thing, thinks another, does the third, and comes out the fourth.

One old man, a typical representative of the class of the bourgeoisie, came to the doctor for a reception and ran on Lexus, but that doesn’t matter. The doctor nodded over his back, smashed his side and decided to let go with peace and courage, to return in 2 weeks.
“And while you’re at home, do the exercises yourself,” the doctor tells him. “Here’s the disc of Dr. B. You have to do every day, from the morning, everything that is shown there, except GREBLY! Remember, except for the rabbits! Understood everything?
The man said he understood and went away. A week passed and he called the doctor and said:
"Listen, I did everything like you said except for the scramble, but I didn't understand the disc.
How did I not understand? Can you not understand there? Come here, I will explain.
The man left, and while the doctor was waiting for him, he thought. “What, stupid, what you can’t understand, physical exercise disk, look and do.”
The man came and found out... It turns out, the daughter put in order in her father’s office, and in the box with the disc of Dr. B. was an old Czech cartoon about KROTA! Remember this good Soviet cartoon? So, this man watched the cartoon about the crocodile this week and performed all the movements behind it. And in this series, there was just another moment where the crot on the boat creeps. Well, the man, as he promised, did everything except roast.

As my grandfather told me, "Don't try to make all the money, try not to waste what is."

Xxx: When we returned home without the dog, our cat, about half an hour after our return, suddenly caught up, went around the whole apartment four times, made sure it wasn't there, looked at us for a long time - and we didn't say anything here - went to our bed and lay down to die. For a few days I barely moved. I reluctantly sliced half a tablespoon of farce from my hands (this is our cat who loved to eat all his life!!!He agreed to lick the water twice and lay down.

He survived when he brought a puppy. I smiled. He got up, went away. and Eat. I found the strength to live another year and a half. He grew up this young man and yet gave in to the age. I hope he is there with his beloved girlfriend. We will meet again, all together.

Oh, I once had a husband, too, he had a madam "yes, she was like my younger sister, but never for anything, and there were no thoughts!" Do you know Sha? Not scorned, scorned, betrayed, it turns out, with a completely different grandmother!

I remember a companion went on a business trip for a couple of weeks and gave me his cat on a bench. The cat was old, did not eat food, eaten almost basically only fish, which she needed to cook, because from old age to chew raw could not especially. And one day, and it was summer, my colleagues and I organized a small corporate, went to fire a shale, where I dressed quite, which is not inherent to me in principle. I came home at night and remembered that I needed to feed the cat. He took a small pot, threw the fish there, poured water and decided to lie down. Naturally, in a drunk state, I immediately crashed. I woke up from the fact that this cat wept at me, beating my legs on my face. The whole apartment was in smoke. The water apparently boiled out, and the fish in the pot began to roast and then burn. The apartment was fully ventilated then day two, and the cat came out and saved the life of a drunkard.

xxx: I want to be a stupid cock, but to do that you have to pump.

My wife and I agreed to go to the cinema tonight. In the afternoon I was at work, she went to the salon. They were supposed to meet in a shopping center in a cafe. She turned from light to dark, and I walked around the cafe for five minutes and couldn’t find her until I called her on the phone. This is the best proof that I immediately noticed the change of hair.

I don’t understand vegetarians. An animal can get away from a person. Or to escape. Plants are defenseless.

A friend is a programmer, or rather, a database architect. He once designed the structure of a base for some German pro-government organization. Knowing of the rise of Western tolerance, he programmed them up to 10 parents per child and up to 40 gender options.

“You’ve gotten too old,” the Germans say to him. - Parents we have, as appropriate, from one to two, and the gender options are four: male, female, other and "not specified". But the base will not go anyway, we need to rebuild. The number of children is wrong.
What does it mean wrong?
The whole number.
What do I need?
It is fragile.

A friend’s roof was touched. 10 parents he could still poorly imagine. Dad, mom, new mom’s husband, new dad’s wife, two grandmothers and two grandparents – here’s already 8. But one and a half earthquakes, that is, one and a half children – this is, forgive me, how? One whole and one without a leg. Or do they consider 5 months of pregnancy to be 5/9 child?

It turned out, it was easier. German tax law. Each child is subject to a tax deduction, but if both parents submit declarations separately, this deduction is divided between them in half. That is, the child of a single mother is a whole unit, and if two parents are both working, then each gets half a child. And that database was related to taxpayers, so we needed such a county.

By the way, the notorious “parent number 1” and “parent number 2” are also invented not for gay perversions. Parent number 1 is the one to whom kindergarten or school appeals first in case of need. Usually this is the mother, but if, for example, the parents are divorced and the child lives with the father, then the first parent will be the father. And if, don’t give god, the father and mother died or are absent for another reason, then the parent number 1 may be a grandmother or an adult sister. A family of two mothers or two fathers also fit conveniently in this scheme, but such families are significantly fewer. Don’t look for a black cat where it isn’t.

And I would still check for any case - is there still on the reserve route our armored train? Or is it just reporting?

Xxx: My brother served in the army and a group of Muslim recruits were called there. They began to grieve that religion did not allow them to wash the floor. His brother went and took the Qur’an from the library and said, “If you are so religious, I will meet you. Whoever quotes at least half a page, the floor will not be washed.”

Everyone was washed in the end, because no one in this group remembered anything.

Xxx: A story from a familiar.

Her husband took her to the barber. I took it from the barber. brought home. He looked at her in the elevator and suddenly asked:

Have you cut your hair?

Xxx: I don't know how on the plane, but on the heatway if you turn on the light in the ruby at night, you can cover it.



Yyy : Why?



Zzz: by eblo

I worked in a beauty salon. The working day was until 21:00.We closed the room with a colleague, the time at 21:02, a couple: "Oh, you have already closed?"

“We work until nine.”

They look at the clock: “Oh, two minutes late! “” People were sure that at 9 o’clock they would be able to do it.



Yyy: I work as an administrator in dentistry. The same situation. Working until 16 in the weekend. And also with the scream “Successful!!!” They are at 15:55. Where did they succeed? The doctor left, I closed the box. I can record for tomorrow.



Zzz: Okay, remove the tooth – just one clearly placed hit... pieces for 3 seconds)

They worked together all the time, they are always mentioned together: Leonardo da Vinci.

In Soviet times, there was the Order of Friendship of the Peoples and the King. The order, a healthy glimpse of two meters in diameter, was cooked in the middle of the ship's superstructure, and our king was not simple, and the chess champion - the world champion Anatoly Karpov, who took the chief over our steam ship.
The idea of taking care of the sailors walking in the sea under the Order of the Friendship of the Peoples came to the chess king clearly not by itself, but chief assistance Anatoly Evgenievich provided in good faith: he visited our hot boat, which stood in the port of St. Petersburg, gave a ship library, ate lunch in the cabin company and won chess from all willing.

A couple of months later, as a chess player who played with Karpov himself, I was sent as a team to some city chess tournament from my native sailing.
At all my modest attempts to protest that I am not interested in chess, preferring domino, I was objected that in our sports team is under-completed, I will be there for the bar and wins from me no one expects.
Do you know the rules? The coach looked at me with anxiety.
Well, approximately, I answered unsure.
"Fight for the center, at the first opportunity, make a rally and at your advantage immediately go for an exchange," he advised me.
Its advantage is unlikely. I did not agree.

The chess tournament struck me with its organizedness: tablets with the names of the participants, chess clocks and notebooks to record the moves. Here is my first rival – a bald uncle in a gray jacket with a keen look over his glasses.
- Boris Arkadievich, - he presented himself, decoding his initials on the tablet.
– Sergey, – I sneaked and we shrugged each other’s hands.
“Well, young man,” he asked, sitting at the chess table, “who did you play last time?”
- With Anatoly Evgenievich Karpov, I honestly answered.
“But,” surprised my opponent and continued, “you have black, turn on the clock.

Matt he put me only an hour and a half, on 31 moves.
After handing over the sheets to the judge, we went to the dining room together. At lunch, my visavi asked for a long time about my chess career and about my last game with Anatoly Karpov. Having learned that I do not have any chess titles or titles, he was noticeably amused and went on to dessert.

The second game, playing black, Boris Arkadievich won me in 8 minutes.

Why is it nice to drink in a club, and intelligently drinking alone at home is alcoholism?