bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №146353
 11.11.2017
In the theme of the upcoming series "Lord of the Rings".

Legolas: I hope they don’t make me gay.

Pray that the Negro do not do it!

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №146352
 11.11.2017
In order to gather thoughts, there must be at least two of them.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №146351
 11.11.2017
I recently needed a flashlight. I found it, probably not used it for more than twenty years. Washed, cleaned and started. When the lamp warmed up and went into the standard mode (transparent blue flame, a characteristic sound, like from a small jet engine), the noise was drawn to the older son of twenty-three years. For a few minutes he looked at the flames, and then said:
- Something I have this sound causes some disturbing sensations, it hurts from something in the chest and up to frostbite with whirls all over the body...
In the how! Immediately recalled the story from the times when the wife was still pregnant with the son.
So, in 1994, a large Siberian city practically on the border with northern Kazakhstan. About the middle of November. The wife is already well pregnant with the firstborn (approximately eight months) - she cried: I want to see my mother! Well to my mom, so to my mom, my mom almost lives nearby, only 600 km, in the Akmolin region of Kazakhstan (formerly Celinograd). On the train is not an option at all, almost a day on the road (train to Kokchetawa, then a bus), the aircraft do not fly (I don’t remember why), but I have a 3-year-old 99th (VAZ-21099), in good condition – decided to go by car. There is a small business, but a partner guilty (Dima – hello!So I can afford to leave for 4-5 days.
Short retreat: Northern Kazakhstan at the time was a very and very unpleasant place to live. There is no gasoline and solar, not at all, from the word at all, all gas stations are closed, wind turbines (light is given for only a few hours a day). The mass exodus of the local population, for example, ethnic Germans to Germany, leaves entire villages. Then I read somewhere that about one million people left for Germany from northern Kazakhstan. All economic ties are destroyed, inflation, but wages and pensions are not paid, but barter and natural exchange flourish. In short, total destruction, imposed on huge distances between cities, villages and villages (50 km – the norm), steppe and winter terrible thunderstorms, sometimes lasting several weeks. When at minus 10-15 degrees the strongest wind with snow blows, the visibility of 20-50 meters, in the best case, will see all the roads. I personally saw a section of a few kilometers away, where when cleaning the road K-700 (a large powerful tractor) with a special grille with the discharge of snow, I just dug a cane from the height of the wall of about 4 meters (!) making every 500 meters "pocket" for the departure of the meeting transport. There was even a case at the time when the bus slowed and all the passengers froze, not to mention the numerous incidents with a tragic end with single cars.
But we go! In the car, I am confident, the lawn with my own hands is taken almost entirely. In the last Russian village on the border I pour a full tank of gasoline and two cans in the trunk (20 and 30 liters). And also, with him a full set of tools (only a cuvalda and a coil was not))) and spare parts for all cases of life. Somehow: generator belt, GRM belt, switch, coil, Hall sensor, trampler cover, high-voltage wires, candles, front crane (crab), patrol, safety, gasoline and so on. Naturally: oil, thosol, brake fluid and necessarily a solder lamp. You may have forgotten something for years, but any small-term repair on the road would do without any particular problems. The reliability of those machines, to say gently, did not differ, so it was very and very even relevant.
We left late in the evening, the road is dry, frozen, somewhere minus 12-14 degrees, the sky is clean, there is almost no snow on the fields, transport abroad too, once every 15-20 minutes there is a meeting, and there are no cars at all. I keep a speed of 80-90 (the road is not very), I plan hours in ten to get to the place, my wife is sleeping. We left approximately 150 km from the border, suddenly the car stumbles on the move, I whisper and open the cap, jump out of the car. So, gasoline in the carburetor, what about the spark? Please turn the starter. There are no scars, neither on candlesticks nor on the wire from the coil. The fucking!! Is it the GRM (Gas Distribution Mechanism) belt? Yes, I had it in the garage three weeks ago, just replaced it with a new one. I cut off the plastic coat - exactly the belt. Everything would not be so scary, the engine with a volume of 1500 when the belt is broken, the valve does not go away (unlike 1300), change the belt and on, just take a lot with it, I was in the garage (light, warm) then for more than 3 hours. He jumped out in a sweater, already frozen. What to do?! Around the steppe, there are no cars, no lights around, only the stars shine, the sky is all filled, like diamond dust with the incision of large shining diamonds, such in the city you will never see. As in Highotsky: “Around 500...” There are 50, but this is not easier, blows on the steppe, flat as a table, such a wind is not weak, along with the frost, on the street, to say little, very uncomfortable. Dressed, sat in the car, also quickly cooled, scrolled all his actions in his head. Just sit down and wait for someone too. There were no mobile phones at the time, as did the evacuators. He went out, got the old working bucket out of the luggage, launched the soldering lamp, weakened the fixation of the generator, undercut and removed the front left wheel. He dropped the belt of the generator, put his wife behind the wheel, pre-enabled the transmission, said to press the brake and hold. Turn off the crawler and slide on the knee (key to 32, if anything...). Weakened the pressing roll, removed the lower lid, now the labels on the shells kneeled and spread out, you can't be mistaken. I put on a belt, rolled a slide and a hump and scrolled the engine several times, checked the labels. There is! It got right, now collect it all. I am now telling it briefly, but the short word “removed”, “done”, “put” and so on. - involves a lot of actions, not always convenient and simple, and the hands very quickly "dry", although in cloth gloves, but their "brush", they stopped holding the steel tool, heated quickly at the soldering lamp (painful when they go away, but what to do?). The wife was also frozen in the car, sitting even colder, stood up blinking at the "fire", her lips trembled, whether from the cold, thickened from excitement. All gathered, the coat did not start to wear, and without putting the wheel, went - URA! It works! Probably set a record worthy of the Guinness Book of Records in replacing the GRM belt in field conditions. It was in the 20-25 minutes. I was sitting in the car and slowly moving away from the cold and tension, and my wife nearby was crying silently, probably of relief.
Can we go home? I asked, licking her on my shoulder. She only shrugged briefly. Well, such a hint above that it is not necessary to test fate further. I set up the wheel, turned and moved toward the house (there were no adventures). In the morning, the wife called her mother, and she was already out, and the storm began. Here and think of what this new belt broke, maybe a factory marriage, and maybe the guardian angel tried. About a month later, almost on time, a son was born and this story has been forgotten over the years. And then suddenly such a reaction to the sound of the soldering lamp in him unexpectedly appeared.
“Well, you and the fools... were...” only said the son, listening to my story.
Yes, I agree fully now. Youth and youth.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №146350
 11.11.2017
In the USSR, the opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" was banned as religious propaganda, in Russia - as blasphemy.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №146349
 11.11.2017
......

And when they started living together, did they not work? If it works, they both come home to sleep. On weekdays - work, on weekends - rest (sitting at home is not rest, if anything). Well, and cats, the more two is a diagnosis. You are sick.

...

I am not the author, but:
1st Work happens at home (unexpectedly, isn’t it?)
2nd Rest is different again. Everyone needs different. Sometimes after five days, where a day is 8 hours behind the machine and another 3-4 as an automaker. Yes, I sleep most of Saturday or just lie down.
and finally
Three Do you not take too much on yourself? I also don’t like cats, but why do I call them sick? Per they have a cat for everyone and they don’t want it differently.

Take care of yourself, to begin with.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №146348
 11.11.2017
Not on the threshold? This is how... (and further)

The Fire. If you go through the sequence specified by you "mentions-psycho", and also to both of the specified categories of gossip to pay - then the mom will go as cute for forced (treatment according to article 29 of the law on psychiatric assistance to the population). And, believe the person who headed the department in the psychiatric room a little longer than you go on the Internet - to send a person to the forced hunt is easier than to get him out of there even with a strong desire.
But it is hypothetical.
And in reality - if you have a mommy who is so frozen to knock at the door for hours - then the psychic shines on her without any bribes. Classics would call decompensated psychopathy, in modern "anti-social personality disorder". And if it is easier to let her destroy the family, settle in the apartment, and other ugliness to allow her - then, it seems, the whole family is broken.

[ + 17 - ] Comment quote №146347
 11.11.2017
xxx: Can you suggest working rune formulas for finding a good job in the specialty? I am confused with them.
XXX: Thank you in advance

yyy: The combination of the runs of Re Zhu Me.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №146346
 11.11.2017
xxx: By the way, the guest of the medieval Chinese in the form of special politeness had to be relieved in his garden.
Such things.
Yyy: The times were tough, weed was lacking for everyone...

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №146345
 11.11.2017
Funny cleaning

Cleaning is different. Old wooden frames stood in the parent’s apartment, and washing the windows turned into a long wet event associated with a test of strength and flexibility. In his apartment he put glass packs of two large wire, and it turned out that the windows can be washed "under mood", five minutes per wire. In the parent house, the floor needed to be washed with your hands and a cloth from an old towel - constantly on the slope or on the four, with tangible physical activity. I bought myself a convenient sweater, and it turned out that in ten minutes you can wash the hallway and the kitchen to shine without any stress. As a result, I wash my windows and floors much more often and faster than my conservative parents do. Just because it is easier and easier.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №146344
 11.11.2017
Your fierce dispute about cleanliness reminded me: I eat in the electric car, opposite two old ladies are sitting, one tells the other with a whisper: "How he lives with her at all! I looked into the wardrobe slowly, and there was a body towel and a hand towel on the same shelf!

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №146343
 11.11.2017
I like how everything here is driven by the motto “an adult person will not/should not/should not do it, and that and that.” I directly already see this adult: comes home from work, where it is unknown what I was doing, slept for four hours (no more), did not eat (eat only on weekends, because you can not go to shops every day, and pizza and sushi are ordered to the house only by marginal teens), pets, children, no wife, hobby too, and well let's drive the switches with lustres and things from place to place to move.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №146342
 11.11.2017
and Romans

Well, and cats, the more two is a diagnosis. You are sick.

I like that you’re sick with a cat.
I like being sick with cats.
Why do we need children? Someday later...
And come with fish, not with flowers.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna