bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №151254
 12.11.2018
Hello to all!

On Friday I decided to go to the cinema. I called a taxi. A taxi driver arrives. I sit and look at him. The beard almost to the belly, obviously a guest of the capital. He looked at me and said, “Good evening.”

I said, “Good and clarify the address.”

He looks at me and says, “Hey brother, we’ll go anywhere, stick here.”

I am what? What kind of shaker?”

She said, “Well, you’re what, wow, you’re what!”

I sit and I don’t understand what I’m talking about.

And then he says, “Well, stecker, you are what? You do not know! “Safety shutter!”

I: “Well, if the security plug”

attached to go.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №151253
 12.11.2018
I am waiting for my wife, next to me is the daughter of my wife's friend, 5 years old. We communicate. The teeth are partially in caries.

Jasmine, your teeth didn’t fall out yet.

J is no.

I. They will soon begin to fall out and new ones will begin to grow.

and mmm. The important thing is that gold does not grow.

Do you not like gold?

How cheap they look.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №151252
 12.11.2018
xxx: In order for Sisadmin to understand the hint, it was probably necessary to lay out pieces of the wire "pull me out." Otherwise, I fear, the probability is extremely small. Well, or a sheet A0 on the wall with the same message in large letters.

YYY: Then he fucking pulls out that list. Because TZ must be written literally and clearly.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №151251
 12.11.2018
Oligarchs are fed from oil wells, and journalists from locksmiths.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №151250
 12.11.2018
Charlie, who is not Chaplin.

Charlie, it’s a bird, a strawberry, and it’s also my child. No, not in the sense you thought it was my adopted child.

So the case was so. On a hot June morning in 2008, I walked out on the lawn in front of my house and saw a large black crown seated tightly on a pebble tree that grows right in front of the windows. Then I just thought, “Well, to eat somebody came, probably, the devil’s trouble” – and went back home.

A few hours later, I went out again to cut the grass. To my surprise, the crown was still on the cradle and everyone was trying to get something out of there.

I became curious, I approached, the crown, of course, immediately left.

I looked inside the coil – the first thing I saw was a reversed bird nest. “Everything is clear,” I decided, “I got to the smallest...” And then suddenly I didn’t even see or hear it, but rather I felt some kind of choking downstairs. He lifted up, of course. There the bird's child hangs, without feathers, blind, and the yellow cloth has opened up.

This is the seat, a! Okay, I took this miracle in my hand and went home. And the miracle is obviously about to die, and I understand it - who would survive so long without water and food, getting caught up in a cane, especially when all sorts of predators are trying to eat you?

I was somehow not arranged the intention of the child to die, so I started to spat him with water from the pipette. At first, this straw from my water refused, and then suddenly stunned and drowned the whole pipette. Then I realized that I would agree with him.

First of all, I was concerned about housing. He fled again to the culled tree, took from there the overturned nest, dragged it to himself on the loft, and there the yellow claw and settled.

Drinking a baby is good, of course, but it also needs to be fed. And the birds are bitter. Okay, no problem, jump into the car and get food to the nearest pet store. I bought what I needed, some special mixture for chickens, this mixture looked like a regular paste.

We run back home, with a piece of the test in the hand, and there the bird child is already pulling his neck into the whole fool and cries about the fact that he is not fed.

and feeding. And the child, eating, whispered, and imagined, say, Charlie is his name.

I joke, I joke, the child whispered after the patch just and fell asleep right away. He just whispered somehow like the word Charlie, and since then I have called him Charlie.

The first night I slept next to the puppy – was it too little? He did right, as it turned out. Charlie wanted to drink and eat about every hour, so I served him. What next to be? - I need to work, and the puppy obviously will not do without my care. I went and bought a cage, and with Charlie's parent nest, I entered it, and took it to work.

You would see how my colleagues cracked. Here is Vova Sidorov, and he has a cage with a yellow-roast chicken in his hands!

Nothing, my colleagues have become accustomed to this exit.

Charlie was growing up. The whole was operated, his tail slid and he began to swing his wings.

Here I got into my second seat. By naivety, I thought that birds have the ability to fly on the level of instinct. As it turns out, the puppies should be taught to fly just as much as we teach our children to swim.
So I took the business. He first put Charlie on his shoulder, and began to knock himself on his sides with his hands. Type: “Hop, you see Charlie?” Charlie saw it, and took to knock my wings in response. “But now, cowboy, you see?” Ah, like, I see, and in response to me also the same "chop-chop-chop" with wings gives.

At some point, I felt that Charlie was no longer clinging to me as much as holding his wings for the air. Then I decided to do my most desperate thing. I took Charlie in the hand and threw him. I don’t know who was more frightened at the time—I or Charlie—but he flew. He flew badly, but quite successfully and gently landed on the back of the chair on the veranda.

And then we got things easier. Every morning I sat Charlie on my shoulder, and started running with him on the lawn, grinding my hands on my sides, like my wings. At first, Charlie didn't look very well at these excesses of mine, thought, probably, that I mocked him, and then realized that parents don't choose, and if he got such a strange and awkward daddy, then that's the case. And I started to pull my wings into the unison.

I think you can guess that one day Charlie flew by himself. First he flew to the nearby tree, thought, and flew back to me on his head. I pulled him off, stretched out my hand and said, “Charlie, fly.”

He thought a little, and then scattered and escaped in the crown of the tree.

No, I’ve seen him a couple of times – when the lawn was coming out, Charlie was flying and sitting on my shoulder or on my head. Once upon a time, I even stumbled on my head on an old memory. Then disappeared forever.

I know that the birds have a short life, and Charlie is probably old and dead, and for some reason I look around and try to find my Charlie. Even if not Charlie, maybe any of the birds, his daughters, will fly on my shoulder when it comes, and will say that she is Charlie’s daughter.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №151249
 12.11.2018
Pipe-leggers are very polite people and always skip the asphalt-leggers ahead.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №151248
 12.11.2018
When I was 23, I worked as a publishing editor in a newspaper. Sometimes I had to go to the publisher and control the process, and one day I was given an assistant to a lady whose approximate age I immediately estimated at 35-40. We talked to her and she asked me how old I was.

and twenty three.

The lady thought sharply.

And I am twenty-three.

I have already thought here.

Are you married? She asked.

and no.

The lady smiled relieved:

Oh well understand. And I am married.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №151247
 12.11.2018
Once, while on vacation in one of the Middle East countries, I hired a local guide to join the country’s cultural and historical values. Agreed in price. The road is not close, we go on his minibus. Omar turns the lamb andins a secular conversation - we talk a little about everything - about the weather, cooking, family...

Question: Do you have children?

There is. I answer. The daughter. 20 years of her.

and wow! What are you saying, dear! ? to He cried in English with an Arabic accent. How old are you then?

and forty two.

and waii! You don’t get more than 25! How young you look, dear!



I was not even surprised by such a sincere lust - the culture is eastern, a person clearly expects good teas, and unfounded. Polite thank you.

Having recorded a positive reaction, Omar turns to me and with joyful excitement says, "Well, karafuzzi, now you - guess how old I am?

Well, I think you will have to play according to the rules of Eastern diplomacy – you have to respond with kindness to kindness. I appreciate the appearance of my visavi - a swollen face, bags under the eyes, porous skin, baldness, penetrating grey. From the presumed age I mentally take ten years and confidently say, "Forty?

Omar did not answer immediately. For half a minute, without blinking, he stared sadly at the road right in front of him, before pressing out: “Twenty-seven.”



The rest of the road went in silence. The conversation did not go. Everyone thought of something of their own.

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