I worked at a very secret institute near Moscow. One of our employees returned from a business trip from Baikonur and, among other interesting facts, that there were so few women there that, as the locals say, “one woman has ten meters of goats and a can of eggs.”

They laughed and started working. Not everything comes out of his head such a wonderful fact. But since all men are scientists, with education, and not with one, someone thoughtfully said:

Is it true that 10 meters is a hole?

Everyone abandoned their important scientific work and started calculations. How interesting it was! The entire department of the secret institute spent the whole day engaged in such matters as collecting the source data, that is, clarifying the average size (how many disputes there were - everyone was embarrassed to say the size in centimeters out loud, so that others would not laugh at it), calculating the volume of the ellipsoid, even introduced the "coefficient" of placing in the cage. Then they remembered that this coefficient was a non-linear thing, because the upper eggs would press the lower ones! Even taken into account

The shape of cane. In general, by the end of this day, the result was obtained - a little more than half the cage. And at this time, the whole country expected from Soviet scientists new victories in space.

The story of the surgeon who collected me.

When I was a kid, I was severely broken, but that’s a different story. So, the surgeon who collected me was just an impossible enormous! In his office in a three-litre bowl stood a tea mushroom and he poured this liquid into himself taking the bowl with one hand! It was clear what he had gaps and strengths.

So, this story happened to this surgeon in 1988. He goes to work in the morning through the forest, and then to him are driven by three local people, whose pipes are burning, who, as always, lack. He refuses and he:

We will be happy to bury you here.

- Boys, I'm breaking you now, and then I'll collect you, maybe you won't add work?

did not succeed. I came to work, called the police, said that in a hurry the clients will come, changed clothes, and just by this time the police arrived. He wrote a paper that so and so, there was a confrontation, which resulted in injuries in the form of a broken right key in all three.

The police officer walked away and asked:

The victims, where are they?

And now, they will come.

And just a call from the reception room - came three fireplaces. And the results of the examination confirmed that all three had a broken key.



P. S is

He gathered them and treated them.

I remembered history.

We went to the institute and went with fellow members to mark this case. We are standing near the city of Park of Culture with a fun company, jokes-supplements and here comes to us a bomb.



“Girls, give me 100 rubles, and I’ll show you a horse’s harp.



Let us roast. One guy says, fucking you are intrigued, here's a hundred - show it.



Bohm hid the stake in his pocket, got an A4 sheet with a photograph of a horse hero. It was just some kind of fierce treasure, they remembered all night, told everyone and rattled over it.



Now, every time I walk past the Park of Culture, I remember this story. Bohm if not sleeping, it is probably the director of marketing in Google.

The summer. Being a small squid, I rest in the country, but at the same time I help my parents as I can - then raps to collect, then raspberries, then apples, and we were there 11 apples and an apple year - there was nowhere to go, but we collected and cooked pures, compotes, dried, etc. Our country cooperative consisted of 90% of pure Jews with direct-speaking surnames such as Salzman, Katzman, etc. And here our neighbor, an old Jew, calls me and says that he wanted to change the watch strap (well, you can afford it at 30 years old) and lost the strap, and since the eyes are already bad, find it for me, and I will make a good gift for you. I started looking for a small stitch and in 20 minutes I found it. My neighbor was very pleased and cuddly went for my gift. I am waiting and waiting for a gift. A neighbor comes and holds his hands behind his back:

Guess which hand.

On the left!

The boy guessed.

He gives me an apple.

Freedom is not when you can say what you want, but when you can do what you need.

Now with the girl received diplomas on the graduation of magistrates, both lawyers. We took a taxi for delivery. As soon as he sat in the car, the address was specified, near the campus of the university is the ZAGS. The driver immediately asked:
Are you going to marry?
I get my diploma, I answer.
For whom did you study?
For the lawyers.
I also finished legal.
An uncomfortable pause.

The father tells the son:
My mom and I found porn magazines in your closet. The question is, where do we pay for the internet?

My friend has birthday today. 30 years. He works as an admin in a small company. And then his words:

The boss gave me a cognac and said that tomorrow is a weekend, because I quote, "one shit tomorrow you won't go to work."

A small collection of translations from Reddit



Once, when I was a kid, I was invited to stay for dinner at my friend’s house. His mother poured ketchup into a deep plate, and the whole family smooked and licked their fingers during the meal. © [deleted] / Reddit



When I was a child, I once visited a friend, and her mother poured us orange juice during lunch. When we ate, she took the undrunk cups and poured all the juice back into the bag. Even as a child, I thought it was disgusting. © munkyyy / Reddit



My wife invited me to dinner at her house for the first time. They had two big dogs. I asked in advance if they could give them food from the table. I was told that I could feed them anything: all the dishes were still given to the dogs. I ate and laid the plate on the floor. The dogs ran out quickly. Then I picked up the plate to take it to the kitchen and asked where to put it – in the dishwasher or in the dishwasher. And they say to me, in the closet, because the dogs have already washed it well. I laughed at that joke and repeated the question. It was not a joke! My friend went into the kitchen and put her plate in the closet, next to the other “clean” plates. I was almost sick. I cut off all contact with them. © ebil_lightbulb / Reddit



I knew one girl. If she couldn’t drink a glass of water, she poured the remnants onto the carpet because it “absorbs everything.” © knittedfleecesweater / Reddit



A colleague of my wife, a honored doctor, invited us to dinner. As soon as we entered, I saw his full-length portrait given to him by one of his patients. I saw hundreds of photos in the room. Each of them had a home owner. Neither his wife, nor any of his four children, nor any of his relatives or other dear people. The group photos were cut down so that only he remained. I went into the bathroom, sat down more comfortably and took one of the books from the shelf near the toilet. The first book was written by the owner. I took another, again his authorship. I found that all the books were written by the owner of the house. I raised my eyes and noticed a photo on the small table in front of the toilet — and it was the owner of the house again... © castr0 / Reddit



In high school, I studied with a girl whose family decorated her house as if it were a painted house for sale. In the dining room on the table on beautiful plates lay plastic food. The bed in her room was filled so that the upper corner was turned as if she had just gotten up. There was a plate of fake oatmeal and a glass of fake orange juice. On the floor were painted and tiny, as if there was a child living in the room. And in the parent's bedroom, artificial pink petals were carried to the bed. © RCDagger / Reddit



I met a guy and his family was just very strange. They all did not do like everyone else, sometimes I even started to suspect they were aliens. No one in the house knew how to use the plate. They warmed food in the microwave or did not eat at home. All the cabinets and boxes in the house were wide open, as if they had no idea that they could be closed. His parents went to McDonald’s to watch TV, despite having a good TV with cable channels and a satellite antenna. © Reddit / Reddit



My friend David once invited me home. I had no idea that his whole family were nightmares. The floor in his house was simply not visible, I was literally on the plates with oatmeal. At some point, I saw a snake crawling among the garbage. I immediately figured out the patch that I was sick and ran home. Just a horror of something. © ev6464 / Reddit



My friend and I were looking for something in his father’s closet when I noticed a bunch of expensive electrical equipment in the depths — all of it was packed. I asked a friend about it. It turned out that his father kept all the new things he bought unprinted for about a year and only then began to use them. My friend didn’t know why, but I’m still interested. © dingobiscuits / Reddit