The Prehistory:
A month ago we arranged with our best friend for the same job, for the same position, and here we were left for evening duty in the office (the organization works until 23:00), the office is empty, there are no calls, there is nothing to do at all, and we have a dispute with the Correspondent who is stronger Reptile or Scorpio.
A week after the duty we were called to the meeting of the executive staff, extremely surprised by the events, I hear the hellish rust of all possible directors and their mouths, their tears even flow, I myself almost cried out of shame when I saw on the screen, a film taken on the camera of video recording, as we and a friend mount hands and feet imitating the idols of childhood... just saw how the harpoon in the throat started. I don’t know where to go from shame. :)

xxx: Next "Virus under Mac OS X", which you need to download, enter a password, disable the firewall [link to news]
YYY: It is quite standard. Should I compile it?

I received three SMS messages from an unknown number.

1) Dare to me, Dare to me

2) I am a fool.

Sorry, but this was not meant for you.

Ree: By the way, do you know what Stalingrad is named for?
In honor of Stalin, right?
Ree: Almost
Mmm... more in detail?
Ree: Just one day a large town of a strange shape fell on the city - in the form of a head with a moustache and a tube. Concerned residents decided that it was a sign and named in honor of this city: Stalin-Grad
Ree: I can tell more about the history of the name of a city
The New Uranium)
Previously, only Jews lived in the city. Accordingly, the city council was formed. And then in 1907 they watched a Liverpool match, which was played by Harold Uren. They were so impressed by his game that they decided to name the city in his honor. Since he was a non-Jew, he was called Uren-Goy.
Why added a new one?Uruguaia is another city.
Ree: Who will find out about these Jews? They did not agree in the interpretation of the Torah and left to found a new city. The name left

The teacher explains the essence of the concept of "horse power":
So, if you can move 75 kg for 1 meter in 1 second, you can come to your parents and say, “Mom, Dad, I’m a horse.”

- If you believe that the higher education received does not affect family life - your right, I will not convince you.
My wife has two higher, and I have none. I work, and she is not.
Which of you two is smart?

XXX is
Are you sober?

YYYY
two

XXX is
I understand)

Just in the process of discussing the problem of data transmission on the network has been formulated an idea!
Why a varied idiot is unable to understand the normal Russian language without inserts "b.. nas.. " and so on:
The speed of processing of incoming data by the brain is low, and so insert inserts make the necessary delay so that there is no overflow of the buffer at the entrance. This is the "traffic shaker". Just like with the #nop processor.

Fuck, I’m just a girl. But I rent the house in half with a friend, because in comparison with him, any girl is an unclean, homeless lazy.

You will cook for me, or you will live alone.
Don’t forget coffee in bed with croissant.
Gal: to pull out...

by Google VIO

Question: How to offer a girl to date if I am 13 and she is 16?
Answer: Put her in the back of the neck, drag her into the wardrobe, and when she hesitates, say “It was all wonderful.” Girls are very attached to their first boyfriends.

From Habr:

XXX: I moved from php to ruby and rail since a year ago - stopped working.

YYY:... the back pain disappeared, the hair became soft and silky, the wife and taste for life returned...

What a girl calls, and with a hysterical voice "Where are you?and "
I’m in a stupor, I want to ask the kind of person she wanted to call at all? But it turned out to be a foolish phrase "Who am I?". The girl was silent about it. ?
I ask, say who she is calling at all, she grit Andrew, I kind of "You probably didn’t get there"...Well, I put the word "probably"?)))as if I could be Andrew, or he’s sitting somewhere near here at noon at night:)))

How did you go to the pool?
2nd PDC...
1: What is it?
2: decided to buy new swimsuits, went after the universe bought, went to the pool.
2: came, changed clothes, washed up, roasted...
1 and?
I look, everybody is screaming at me, and when I look at them, the coach looks at me and scratches, I am completely confused, the coach is still silent and scratches.
1 What is the joke?
On the new sweaters was written I LOVE MENS, I LOVE BOYS.
I am a fucker ?
1 and now?
He threw off his swimsuits so that his girlfriend didn’t burn.

I don’t like your name, I won’t take it.)
YYY: If you will be, I will not offer it to you.

News on 1st:
In Russia arrived a holy place - the Belt of the Virgin. Since the 10th century it has been kept in a male monastery, to which women are prohibited from entering. He left the monastery for the first time. It is believed that worship of the sanctuary helps to get pregnant and carry a child safely.
How did they know about it?

Public Alcoholic: - Well in general, I saw on the dating site an advertisement of a guy of 27 years - intimate for money. I ask for interest – how much? He is 500 rubles and I am yours for the whole night. I write, the photo is out. She sends me a photo of her member ))))))))
I fucking, I say - fucking you sent me fucking, you are all there on one face, give yourself your face. He sent. Well, the guy is like himself - passes by - you will not notice. Okay, I say, give me the phone.
It gives. I call. What, I ask, is life like that that went into prostitutes? Well, in general, it turns out, he works as a guard, somewhere sleeps in the bedroom, and everyone wants to eat". I wanted to ask - and in no other way, but he interrupted me - type,

you want to talk for life - call, pay and fuck ))))))))) I already died there laughing - here is the fuck, invite him to you to cheat, feed, catch up and go on the way another five-hour sun
- and I say - okay, no problem, you will have a night and you will have money, I just have a maid. Only you have in mind - no one there to fuck, for you will be a special assigned role: you will stand in front of us naked in a white forehead with an apple on the head, and we will shoot him out of a gun. - he is so scared: from which? - I rju - well from the toy, of course, that you - he asks: and there are many girls? I’m 5 – what kind of one, agree? And he thinks and thinks so: No. I’m a cowboy, so do you? And he answers me, you won’t believe it! He said to me the fucker,
Because I am proud!

Real luxury is not measured by money, but by the amount of time a person can spend on creativity, without compromising the diet and the closet.

Play Off or Stone Age
The old KGBist Yuri Tarasovich provided me today with a delightful story from the fiery 90s. It was told by a friend and companion Tarasych on the dacha.
What horrors he sometimes did not fall on us, as long as the appetite disappeared and the snail in the throat did not slip (because he is also of meat...) But this is his story from the series - and it is most pleasant to remember and tell it is not shameful...
Now he is a retired colonel, and then, in the early 1990s, he was a captain and served in the city of hero Kiev:

Every day somewhere “shooters”, explosions, shootings, “confused rams”, and
Damn to crack. On a summer day, after another call,
I go with the group to the event.
A small building, almost in the center of the city. Parallel to the ambulance, we see - there are two cars, in front of the "Jigul" spinning in a bunch of sand, and behind the jeep "Cheroki". I’ve seen cars many times after the explosion, and at first I’ve done something against the infantry. On the jeep there is no whole glass, and there are characteristic incisions from fragments throughout the body, but at the same time the "giggle" has all the glass whole and no scratches at all. From the jeep, doctors pulled and transferred four brothers (the fifth was bleeding under the car) to all the fragmentary brain injuries, although there are no severe, three in consciousness, but on the faces of no whole fragment.
The injured brothers were taken to the hospital, and during the search of the jeep, in the reserve, we and our friends found a TT pistol with ammunition. Subsequently, two of them "settled" for a long time, and the other three managed to cope with severe fright (crackles in the bones of the skull, teeth broken, and one lost the eye in general). But I will not run forward.
They began to figure out – who exploded, who and what? Looking Uninjured
The driver is sitting with the eyes of a milk pig, who miraculously managed to spit out an apple and escape from the New Year's table.
We pulled the lucky man into the air, we are interested in the details of the events.
The man came to himself and said:
“I bombed quietly around the city, four girls aged fifteen to sixteen, ordinary ones, with bags and tennis rackets in coats, vote.
We sat down, we went. Here along the road - these injured bandits on a jeep, adjusted side by side, wreak, threaten. Whether I cut them off, or they wanted money from me for "shakes", and most likely - just my girls liked them. They scream that they will be shot and that I will not stop driving after them.
They came to this building, jeeped me to the sand, pulled me out of the car, knocked on my mouth, then took my passengers. They stood one foot, she cried, well, she got - her nose to blood was broken.
The other three under the noise ran to those heaps of sludge, scratched the rackets and took meters with seven, stones to shoot. You know them like guns. The shirts at first rushed to them foolish, and where there, only the mouths are rubbing...
They would be foolish. The straw drove into my head with such a terrible sound as the strawberries burst. So much so! Only the hands removed from the head, three or four stones get in there. It’s horrible, I haven’t even seen it in the movies. Tennis players surrounded them and rushed them back into the car, one under the bottom flooded. And the athletes all squeeze four in the jeep, the submissions work. Like a machine gun. The brothers tried to look, but quickly realized - to stay alive, the main thing is to lie below the level of the glass.
Apparently, the guard called the police and when your sirens were swinging in the distance, the girls hid their rackets and quietly went to themselves.

Tennis players I did not want to look for (the same grew), and the detainees did not insist, one thing - on the construction "in an accident", and another.
Playing with minors.

A drunken man from a distant village appeals at the city station to the police guard:
Hello, Comrade of Police, be kind.
Not a comrade, but a gentleman.
“Sorry, Mr police officer, be kind.
Not a policeman, but a policeman.
Oh oh! Sorry, Mr. Police... what do the Germans have been in town for a long time?