We recently had a child. I sit with my wife in the kitchen, drink tea, and she says:
Where will we spend the New Year, in the kitchen or in the room?
= = )

Review of Harry Potter and the Gifts of Death 2:

The scene, when Voland during the battle urges Harry not to destroy friends and says "Come in the forbidden forest at night" was extremely successful supplemented by the phrase from the hall "so he is not alone, he and the carpenter will come!" =)))

From the notorious social network:

XHH: My friends! Who is with me at the theater today at 7 p.m.?
Electrical Participation
The MMM?
Yyy: Oh, I’d be happy, but I’m going to the movie now :-(
zzz: I would be happy, but sadly I won’t be able to;)
Nnn: I would be happy, but between us 2 thousand kilometers.
I would be happy, but it’s already 23:02

Barsa Spartak is like porn with close people, they are of course nice to get into the cinema, but they still fuck them.

''Happiness is a gift to all, and let no one go offended'. A bright memory.

From Habr:

A U.S. programmer decided to diversify his life with gifts... his program takes a random word and searches for goods on Amazon for that keyword. If it’s a book, CD or DVD and it’s worth less than the budget it’s put in, then the program buys that product. The program runs in a cycle until you waste the entire budget or buy a certain amount of gifts. About the fact that he bought the script he will only find out when receiving the goods by mail.

I think it’s easier to have a wife. It will handle casual purchases better.

It is more difficult for the wife to program a budget limit.

xxx: I know a girl who is 22 years old and weighs 45 kg.
YYY: How is it? Is her body harmonious?
XXX: Meaning of the size of the breast?

I went to Moscow from Peter on a bus. The night. Moving on the track. Everyone is boiling. Suddenly the voice of the elderly: silent fucking, the driver is sleeping! There was a dead silence. He was driving two.

Commentary on a child’s wheelchair:
"Resume - no better car!! I decided to let my boy ride on his beautiful and comfortable wheelchair. Walking is convenient, the legs up is even more comfortable. We have a few of these in the area, and still people look around."
"Sorry, I write from the phone, of course "sleep" is convenient. This car is comfortable."

The Boomerang:
Two weeks ago came the gas meter to check the man with the grandmother, I was not opened for a long time (not heard) so they started to argue, asking - your dogs don't bite? Well, I answer them - they just bite pidders and Gandons of all kinds... the man to the baby says - well you go down, I'll wait for you here... :-)

Shaman®
I will take a cat in the office, appoint him as the head of the relaxation department. If someone works for me for food...

XXX is Eureka! I understood!! to
yyy: What is it?
See, let’s see Moscow. A person lives, rents an apartment, receives a tax payment for it, and naturally does not pay taxes, although he is obliged by law. Thro Moscow they are like dogs, and no one catches them, even if the money is big.
YYY: Well let’s assume that does?
XXX: That is what. This person goes, say, to buy a car, and since the grandmothers for an apartment in Moscow are uncomfortable, then a foreigner. Always wondering why the state has such devastating draconian duties on foreign trademarks, he now understood: These are taxes on those who have become rich by failing to pay taxes!
And yet more gasoline! There are taxes to the fucking. In short, as much as you avoid taxes, and the state will take them anyway.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Those who pay taxes honestly pay twice.
XXX is yes!
YYY: So is he a dude?
XXX: Well you can do that.

Reviews of the goods:

A normal proct.
Benefits: Perfect for cutting a cat.
If polished, it can be used as a mirror.
Disadvantages: It is badly heated. I wanted to cook peelings, left without dinner.

The Stranger: Oh yeah! The radio is working!
Den Stranger: And the dictator tells about the shame that is happening in Israel.
The backdrop is machine guns, Arabic speech, explosions and... the sound of a Star Wars laser gun shooting!!!! to
What do I not know about this world?

Deep at midnight.
She says: Let’s go to sleep!
He said: Let us drink tea!
I don’t want tea, I want to sleep.
He: Well, sit with me while I’m drinking tea.
In 15 minutes
She: Well, you have a cup of tea, let’s go to bed now!
He: No, it's somehow not fair: you sat with me for 15 minutes, and I'm going to sleep with you all night now?! to

X: Nicole, you are 17 years old. Stay calm with your superheroes, they are not!
Y: Ruslan, you are xx years old, and you are a monarchist.Calm up with your kings, fools, they are not!

My mom and I are worried about your new hobby, so my mom will come over the weekend to talk to you.

What? Strictly go on! Have a conversation with your husband.

The most grandiose plans are built on the couch.

This story happened to my distant relative, a Moscovite.
My native country is wide, there are many peoples and peoples, autonomous republics and regions. Here is our hero - let us call him Ivan Petrovich Sidorov - not purely Russian, but for a quarter... let it be a papua. His mother’s grandmother came from the Papuan SSR, where the young papuas are famous for their non-terrestrial beauty. Outside, Sidorov looks like a purely Russian man, light-haired and blue-eyed. But the Papuan language he is taught and mastered in perfection, as well as Russian.
And here in his work appeared a new employee - a true papua. Young and beautiful. Ivan Petrovich fell in love with her at first sight. And she did not reject his pleasures, they became close friends, she went to visit him, and he visited her family, who lived in Moscow on a rented apartment. But until then he decided not to devote the future bride to the mystery of her origin.
And one day, when he was visiting Papuanka and her parents (and they spoke exclusively Russian with him), the phone ringed in her apartment. Papuasca removed the telephone and spoke in her mother tongue. Ivan Petrovich quietly talked to his parents, pretending that he did not understand what his lover was talking about there. "I found a fiancée in Moscow, soon we will marry and move with his parents and younger brother to his three-room apartment. The youngster is not rich, but, as you know, suddenly there will be a more profitable party in the future."
When it was time to say goodbye, Ivan Petrovich told her in the purest Papuan language: "You think in vain that I don't understand Papuan."

A devout Muslim sits in a London taxi and asks the driver to turn off the radio because there was no music at the time of the Prophet, and therefore he cannot listen to the music of non-believers.
The taxi driver stopped the car and opened the door. The Arab asks:
What are you doing?
The taxi driver says:
There were no taxis at the time of the Prophet, so go and wait for a camel.