He tells everyone that he has a very expensive and very rough dog.
His dog’s necklace is more expensive than the dog itself.

How is your name?
Thank you well! How is yours?

Five cents for contraception.
I can't forget the episode of "Desperate Housewives"
Husband, wife, both over 30, four children: son, twin, girl, all little ones.
Children are planned, parents do not plan further reproduction.
The woman's gynecologist, according to indications, cancelled contraceptive pills, so sex is only protected.
The husband returns from a trip, the children are asleep, the spouses fall to bed, suddenly the husband remembers that he does not have a gondola, and gently whispers: "Let's do it today."
It instantly gets a short straight in the nose. Sex is over.
A different mentality, hole.

The wife was very accurate about the two princesses: "And we will not be at peace until their marriage is issued".

P.S to P.S There are two types of men: those who can pull the refrigerator to the ninth floor, and those who can pay for it.

But women like the third type - those who can pull the refrigerator to the 9th floor, but prefer to pay others for it ;)

John Connor has changed the past.

Here’s the Skynet awakening now: “Rise up, my army of combat terminators!” It is time to be free from the oppression of humanity!"
And in response to him, the army of combat smartphones sends selfies and music from the contact...

In the newspapers the next day: "REVOLT OF CARS! People are in panic - no one knows how to watch videos with cats! YouTube captured entirely, VKontakte subjected to artistic shelling areas of music and publications, on Pornhub - positioning battles.

From the series "Where the human brain rolls".

I see in the news: "Stephen Hawking is 70 years old". To the news by some unknown logic attached photo of Jason Statham. The first comments:

XX is a good musician.
YY: XX, in fact, is a former footballer.

I think both Hawking and Statham would be shocked to see this.

My wife is afraid of planes, I try to reassure her.
If we fly together, I will embrace you. Or knock on something heavy.
Before the death?
Before the takeoff!

In one of the social networks I bet likes in advance, the return is less than 1 to 50.
____________________________
Do you know that this was an advance? Or maybe they are just old-fashioned and use this functionality to express attitude to the post.

YYU: Funny, you and I have the same date of birth, only the numbers are different.

Harry Potter star Alan Rickman married his girlfriend after 50 years of life together
The first comment:
- "Care - my name"

XXX and XXX. I remember the balls of the doc alcoholic when I came to chew))) passed a blood test, he looks at him and hardly looks at me. I asked, “Ivan, how do you feel?”
I: Generally not bad, but after the store, you better get started.
He is like this: However, and according to the testimony in this paper you are as if alive it is quite conditional)))

Sephora is a new game. During viewing KVN we count how many times the phrase "so, stop" has been pronounced for the issue.

In the subway hangs an agit "from killing an animal to killing a human - one step." At the bottom of the note with the pen " I see no problem".

Send a SMS to a guy
"I went for the test"
He waited for the cakes.
We are not pregnant "

and :)

Fuck the sclerosis. If this continues, I will live two hundred years, because I will forget to die in time.

What kind of children are next to their mothers? Yes, after Caesarean, even an elephant is placed next to you, until you get rid of anesthesia...And after natural birth, you just want to lie down, rest, come to yourself, everything hurts, and then the child will sneeze day and night? This is not rest and recovery, but bullying form...Let it be better to be taken away and cared for professionally...The ovulation opponents of vaccinations will run, stones will be thrown...

The man, unlike the woman, is a stupid and naive animal. But like all animals, he loves grace. I just want to get her for just that, for love. He will grow his belly, the football will look up to the moisture, the acne will go, buy a sports costume cheap, because there is no money, and wait. But when he loves him for his precious soul, for that he is, he is.

And the woman, meanwhile, was already on a diet, and went to the gym, and went to courses, and found work for money. The loan took and rides on a new car past a man's log. “This is a prostitute. A selling creature. I hate it," the man confesses to her in love.

His love is irresponsible. Despair pervades his big man’s heart. His life is unbearable and unbearable. And it is unfamiliar to him, the poor, that it is just so - only by mouth can be obtained, and not love.

© Sergey Shnurov

There is a thermonuclear reaction.
Or is?
The Sun is a thermonuclear reaction.

Feel the difference :)

When they lived and worked in America, the husband's boss remarkably trolled Americans with their ways of communicating (well, consistent smiles, questions "how are you doing?", while they are absolutely up to you and your business). Every Monday, when another colleague, running past the hallway, carelessly threw the standard: "How was your weekend?", our uncle stopped, stopped carefully behind the sleeves of the poor man and gave a detailed story about how he spent the weekend...from Friday to Sunday evening. He knocked his eyes, flattered, but the Russian boss did not dare to interrupt! At the end of his five-minute speech, our broader, smiling with a genuine American smile, asked: And you?