bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №152062
 06.04.2019
A few months ago, new recommendations for the organization of work came to our office from above. Surprisingly, reasonable and appropriate recommendations. When trying to refer to these recommendations in work, the management replied:

They are just recommendations, they are only recommendations. You may not be guided...and what they understand there.

A few days ago, from the same "top" dropped recommendations concerning dresskod.

This is just a recommendation, we decided.

You are what! These are recommendations! They are mandatory to execute! Everyone immediately start matching the dressing! The management told us.

The main thing is that the costume is seated, caroche.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №152061
 06.04.2019
Our country cooperative is no longer protected in the winter, so I leave the potential thieves in the hallway half a litre, 3 cups and a bowl of cucumbers.

There were “visitors”.

Drink vodka and the bank is empty.

The feet are washed and carefully placed in the buffet.

All property in place.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №152060
 06.04.2019
I drive with my 10-year-old granddaughter in the car and accidentally hit the clakson. In any case, I tell her:

He accidentally pressed.

I understood.

How is?

You didn’t say “the goat.”

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №152059
 06.04.2019
The case was in a music school where the teacher is engaged with one student (this is the case). One on one, and immediately a lecture for the crowd.

Report a teacher to a student who is constantly finding scams not to come to the class.

How are you going to finish your training? Where will you go next? How much can I carry single certificates? Where do you just buy them? Van Ivanov even brought the certificate of his death once. By the way, here is he!

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №152058
 06.04.2019
Returning home late on a taxi Wandex, in order not to fall asleep, I talked to the driver. He puts mat in every word. I, B is the driver.

I: You less argue, you are recorded.

A: And who?

I am “Alice.”

Q: What does it mean to record?

I: That means Alice is recording everything.

Q: It can’t, if it is, then I’ll remove it.

Q: Calls to the phone: Alice, are you recording me? - a second silence on Gogol, a pleasant female voice from the phone - Well, I don't see anything wrong with it.

*** by

I quietly calculated with him, and he was finding out the relationship with Alice.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №152057
 06.04.2019
Call at work:

and greetings. These are colleagues from Dagestan. Is it possible to take Takayovich?

Call back in half an hour or leave your phone.

Okay you write.

I recorded. I ask, “What is your name?” Without waiting for the answer, I write “Mahomet.” No need to correct.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №152056
 06.04.2019
In fact, the naked king knew very well that he was fooled by fraudsters, but he had no other way to paint before the people in what his mother gave birth.

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №152055
 06.04.2019
Business Plan and the Grey Wolf

Grandmother Tamara once became seriously ill and her granddaughter, also Tamara, an eighteen-year-old student from St. Petersburg, moved all affairs and struggled to save her grandmother.
My grandmother lived thirty kilometers from Moscow, in a blooming wooden house, a pre-war building. A garden, a well, a raft, under which the grandfather kept the beaten bricks and rust wheels from Moskovich. It all looked pretty sad and hopeless. But once, when Tom came here as a child and grandfather was still alive, chickens, goats and even goats ran through the courtyard. And at this arrival the house looked empty and thirsty, like an incurably sick patient. Of the survivors, only the grandmother Tamara and Timur were in the house. Where without him?
Timur was a huge gray wolf, but fortunately, he was not too racial as a wolf, so he was considered a dog.
Grandma Tamara, tried to rejuvenate, welcoming a dear guest, but it went badly.
Even Timor did not look like an eagle, which has never happened to him before. An ordinary gray wolf. In the old days, Timur made an indelible impression, he behaved as if the whole house was rewritten on him and grandmother and grandfather were needed here, only to pour water into the bowl, and to shake sugar bones.
Tamara went to the nearest store a kilometer from the house, bought medicines and all kinds of delicacies, drank her grandmother with tea with raspberries, laid her in bed and began to run the house. Well, more precisely, throw away garbage and spoiled products.
Grandma just cried out:

Where is the bread, where is the bread?
Grandma is green.
What a bad thing, green. Cut a little and that’s it. Normal is bread.
How often do you go to the store?
In the summer, once every two weeks, and if the weather is good and I feel normal, then I go every week. I got a car, took it and pulled it. On the way to her I will sit down, rest and go on. And this time, I thought spring was already here. The sun warmed up, I was delighted and ran into the store in one cage, swallowed and got cold here. And in the winter, I am afraid to go so far, well, maybe once a month and I go away. And my retirement is not enough to go shopping every day.

Grandmother, is anyone coming to visit you?
They come in, sometimes.
Who is Aunt Lena?
Lena was two years old when she died. The Kingdom of Heaven.
So then who?
Who is? Who is. Well, it turns out that nobody. Who should go to me? Who needs an old grandmother with a wolf?
- That's what, grandmother, you don't need to sneeze, but to come up with a good business plan.
What is?
A business plan. I study this in the universe. Imagine - every person can come up with and organize for themselves, some powerful business. The main thing is to come up with a business plan.
“Tommy, do you see how I am? What is my business? I am 80 years old. From day to day I stretch my feet. Wouldn’t you leave Timor if anything?
Stop to stop. Can you sell something simple? You also have a track behind the fence, and a bus stop underneath the house.
What to trade? by myself?

Days went by, the sick slowly got up on her feet, and the granddaughter from morning to evening walked through the courtyard and thought about a business plan for the grandmother. At six o’clock in the morning, Tamar was awakened by a wolf. He does not know how to laugh, but to laugh and grind is half-turn.
Tamara looked into the window and saw Timur standing on the roof of the cabin, so it was more convenient for him to look through the fence. Grandma was no longer asleep, she was hanging, listening to the radio receiver.

Grandma, who is he fighting with?
So people go to work.
For what job?
How do I know which? to any. Each has its own. They go to our stop, get on a bus or bus and go to Moscow for work, and back in the evening.

Tamara thought about it:

Grandma, what are these people, in the sense, where do they all come from?
How, from where? These are our villagers. Do you know the lake? Some even come from there. At least an hour from there, a pedestrian will probably get there. What to do? We need to feed the family, and that’s what it takes. It’s good for me, I’m retired yet, and people are forced to go to Moscow every day. There is no hunger, there is no work.

Until the very evening, the granddaughter did not talk to anyone, neither to her grandmother nor even to Timur, and late in the evening she suddenly shouted, frightening her grandmother:

Grandma and Grandma, wake up! Do you remember painting when I was a child? Are there colour pens?

The grandmother was surprised, but gave out a bunch of pencil and long-dried flommasters.
Tamara worked all night and in the morning created a bunch of touching, colorful ads with samples.
And in the morning, even without breakfast, I picked up a tube of glue and left. She reached the village beyond the lake and, starting from there and almost to the house itself, laid out her simple announcement on the pillars and fences:

Dear neighbors!
You can leave your bicycles in the house N2 on our street. (House at the stop, with a green fence) Ask Tamara Pavlovna.
The grey wolf is responsible for conservation.
Payment is purely symbolic, you will like it.”

Since then, three years have passed, Tamara Pavlovna has flourished and changed her mind to die.
Every day, from morning to late evening, in the courtyard of the house, under the raft, there are thirty, and all forty bicycles and even a couple of motorcycles waiting for their owners. Only the gray wolf Timur has more accurate numbers. Timur, too, became sick and looked satisfied and important, as if he had just eaten both the Red Hat and Tamar Pavlovna.
Timor always stands at reception and delivery. Serves people quickly, politely and correctly. He will never let out the courtyard, a client with someone else’s bicycle. Experiments were conducted specifically. Just a wolf blends the smell of a customer with the smell of a bicycle. More reliable than barcode.

The whole village loved Grandma Tamara, because she saves people the most precious thing they have – sleep time. Who has 40 minutes and who has 2 hours a day? Riding a bicycle is not the same as getting your feet dirty.
Students and those who are younger pay grandmother Tamara three hundred rubles a month, the Tajiks cleaned the well, repaired the roof and set up an antenna, someone brings home testicles and bread, someone brings a bowl of milk from under their cow on the big, someone will just thank you, and in case, always to the store for the grandmother.
And so, from the early spring and until the first snow, even in the winter, a pair of snowboards and a motorcycle are left.
Business works like a clock.
To be honest, one day there was a small mistake. Once a Tajik man took his bicycle and tried to chew Timor. The wolf, of course, procompounded his hand.
Very strange case. I, for example, can’t even imagine how it can be thought that in a bank warehouse, receiving gold bulbs from his cell, a armed guard’s head should be bitten in execution.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №152054
 06.04.2019
Downshifting is not when someone worked in the office and then moved to live in the village. The real downshifting is when you come, say, from your own Italian villa on a daytime to some former vice-premier, and you find yourself in an investigative isolation.

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