During the Soviet rule in Odessa lived one descendant jeweller - Khayim Osipovich Ermolitsky. When he decided to emigrate, the KGB established a 24-hour surveillance. The commissioners had no doubt that he would try to take out his diamonds. When they saw that he had bought two pairs of shoes on a thick waist, they realized that he wanted to hide the jewelry in them.

And they were right. At home, Khaym shattered the curtains on the windows, took a drill, drilled holes in the helmets and poured stones into them. The holes are carefully sealed. Then I put on my shoes and walked around the room. The diamonds issued such a terrible scream that the old man sweated out of horror.

But since he had no other plans to take them out, he shrugged his hand and said, “Whatever happens!”Diamonds, in principle, he had not very many, so one pair of shoes was enough. The second one he gave to his nephew Misha.

On the appointed day, Haim went to the sea station. The ferry to Haifa departed from there. Misha went to accompany him. In the car he was very nervous.

Misha, you know what? He told his nephew. I am 80 years old. Why do I need these treasures? I want to kiss the Holy Land and die peacefully. You will still need them.

After that, he changed his shoes. At the station of Haima immediately directed to customs officers, who had already been warned. They polently asked him to relax and disassembled his new shoes into component parts. They were so confident that they would send this perpetrator not to Israel, but to the opposite side, that they were even upset.

Then they called where to go and said, “There’s nothing in the shoes, what to do?” They are answered: waste the suitcase, jacket, pants, if there is a hat, waste the hat. They did it – nothing! Again they call where they need to be, those: turn it out, it is impossible that it should not be!

Customs officers, not thinking long, took the unfortunate to the hospital, where he was washed the stomach, forced to drink a liter of contrast fluid, took a X-ray and again found nothing. This time they already say: it’s hard to believe, but apparently we were wrong, sorry for the worry.

Then these customsmen washed their hands with soap and went around the houses. The next shift was followed by a new group of customs officers, which included junior lieutenant Tatiana Nikolaevna Lugovskaya.

This was a simple Soviet woman 55 years old, who due to circumstances of personal and work life was in a rather depressing state of mind. There was a reason for that, but remove it. Just that day, her cat gave birth to six kittens, and could not give them. None of one. They used to eat, and now they say they don’t eat anything.

Then she, with a heavy heart, poured half a bowl of water and drowned them. And the cat went all the way into the bowl to find out what the owner was doing to her puppies. At the same time, she whispered with such a wild voice that this whisper stood in the ears of Tatiana Nikolaevna all the time she was going to the service.

Through her usual affair, Tatiana Nikolaevna hoped to distract herself from the experience, but it wasn’t here. In the office she was waiting for Hermione. The old man, as they say, had no face. And, more precisely, there was nothing on it at all, except blue sitzers and partly white shirts.

This is who? She asked.

He was stuck there, I explained carelessly.

Tatiana Nikolaevna approached the old man, looked at his documents and asked:

– Haim Osipovich, do you have anything to wear?

“I have a desire to die and not see this nightmare,” said Khaym Osipovich.

Does someone accompany you? asked the customs officer.

“Neighbor,” said the old man, and slightly waved in the direction of the door through which he entered the cleansing place.

Then Tatiana Nikolaevna went out to the hall, where the accompanyers were crowded, and asked whether there was a nephew of Khaym Osipovich Ermolitsky among them.

There is! He was immediately found.

“A young man,” said Tatiana Nikolaevna. For reasons beyond my control, the costume and shoes in which Khaym Osipovich was going to go to his historic homeland have become useless. But don’t worry, Haim Osipovich himself is almost in full swing. He just needs to change his clothes before he leaves.

“I can only get rid of myself,” the nephew suggested.

Would you go home in shorts and shorts?

- Listen, in Odessa, a pedestrian in a coward and a maid is a normal phenomenon, - found a nephew. Maybe he’s coming back from the beach, or maybe he’s gone out to throw the garbage. But to appear in this way abroad is uncomfortable. Foreign media may misinterpret this. Do you understand me?

“Well, let’s see what you have there,” Tatyana Nikolaevna breathed, and five minutes later, Khaym Osipovich wore his nephew’s jeans, his Adidas T-shirt with three red strips on his shoulders and completely new shoes, where all his life’s savings lay.

How do you feel? The younger lieutenant Lugansk.

“Better,” Haim Osipovich replied laconically and went to the trap.

Vadim Yarmoulinets