If Coley and Olli were asked on that day, “What is the shortest month in the year?” they would have answered, “Honeymoon.” Only four months after it began, when Olya finally first had a need for a dress (at least for the weekend), they and Kolya left their room in the dormitory, holding in their hands a slice of a fortress, bought by the young man for the wedding in a fold-in by all the students and teachers of his home school, and headed to the female fortress Perelmutter.

On that day, Cole knew exactly that his wife was the most beautiful woman in the world, Olya knew exactly that her husband was the noblest and smartest man, and they both did not know the female messenger Perelmutter at all, so without thinking they pressed the button of his doorbell.

and a! He cried out to the prostitute, opening the door. And finally! — screamed this rapist, similar to composer Ludwig van Beethoven, what a brilliant musician is painted on portraits in that period of his life, when he was very old, a little crazy and himself is already deaf from his music.

Do you see Rome? Perelmutter continued, addressing someone in the depths of the apartment. By the way, they are customers! And they still came! And you also told me that after I shaved the hood for Madame Lisogorskaya four years ago, no one of the sensible will come to me!

“We’re with you about the dress,” Koala began. We were told...

Do you hear Rome? He was broken by the Perelmutter. They told me that the dress was for me. Thank you God! There are normal people on earth. I thought everybody was mad. Only you can hear around you: “Carden!”, “Dior!”, “Lagerfeld!”... Who is this Lagerfeld, I ask you? He cooked the porridge, entering the collar. He is dressed as the Queen of England. No, please, if you want your wife at her young age to look like the Queen of England now, you can go to Lagerfeld!

“We can’t go to Lagerfeld,” calmed the crooked Cole.

This is your great happiness! In turn, he reassured her.

“Because, unlike Lagerfeld, I can really make your wife a queen. And not any English! A real queen of beauty. Well, now for work... But first the last question: do you know what a dress is? be silent! You can not answer. Now you will tell me: rushes, wraps, pulls... Erunda! Maybe even Lagerfeld. The dress is completely different.

The dress, young man, is first and foremost a piece of matter, created to shut down everything we lose from a woman and to open up everything we win from her. Do you understand my thought?

The lady has beautiful legs. So we sew it something very short and thus win on our legs. Or, let’s say, she has ugly legs, but a beautiful bust. Then we sew her something long. In other words, we close her legs. But we open the bust, emphasize it and win already on the bust. And so to the infinite... Well, in this case, — the carpenter looked closely at Olya, — in this case, I think, we will not open anything at all, but we will, on the contrary, sew something very strict, absolutely closed from the neck and to the feet!

What is “totally closed”? I picked Cole. What will we then win?

In the colour! I joyfully cried out. “These raspberries on the green background you brought to me, I think, are very cute! - And, having picked up his crush meter, he began to skillfully measure Olya, writing something into the notebook.

“No, wait,” said Cole, “something I don’t quite understand!” Do you think that in this case we can no longer open anything at all? For example, what do you like with your legs? Do you think they are too thin or too fat?

— What about here? — replied the prostitute, without breaking off from work. Is this the matter? The legs can be thin, can be thick. After all, different women have different legs. And that is good! It is worse when they are different in one...

Something something? I picked Cole.

Maybe we’ll get out of here, right? He asked Olga.

“No, wait,” her husband stopped. What are you saying, dear? How are they different? Where is?! to

“Look at me,” said the prostitute. Do you not see that the right leg of your charming wife is much more massive than the left? She is more muscular...

He looked at Cole. What does that mean, Olga? Why didn’t you tell me anything about it?

What was talking here? I was upset that. In school I jumped a lot. He defended the sporting honor of the class. My right leg is shaken.

Well here! He solemnly shouted. What I am talking about! His left leg is normal. The human. On the right, it is clear that she is in a strong position. No is! This defect must be closed!

“Well, let’s say,” said Cole. And the bust?

And this too.

What too? Why is? To me, on the contrary, it seems that on her bust we can in this case... it... as you say there, very much win... So I absolutely don’t understand why we shouldn’t open it?

“You see, young man,” Perelmutter said, “if there were not a carpenter in my place, but, for example, a sculptor, he would have answered your question as follows: before you open any bust, it must at least be installed. I think you and I have the same problem. Do not be upset!

Think of it, Bust! Believe in the power of human imagination. We should correctly drape the fabric even what we have now, and the imagination of men easily drape under this fabric something that Mother Nature, with all its power, is unable to create. And this does not only apply to the bust. Take her face, for example. I, by the way, was always very upset about what the invention of ancient Eastern fashion designers, such as the...

So, do you suggest wearing a parapet on it? I was scared of Cole.

I didn’t say that...

“Cola,” said Olya, “let’s go anyway.

Stay still now! broke her husband. - I must, at the end of the day, figure it out... Listen... e... I don’t know your father-name... well, you persuaded me with a bust... Yeah, I see myself now... But what if we try to win, say, on her thighs?

That is how? Interested in the pork. Do you suggest opening them?

Well, why, you can, as you say there, emphasize... Make some extract...

— It is possible, — agreed the prostitute. - Only first will you emphasize where you see her thighs, and then I will make her an extract in this place. And in general, young man, stop rubbing my head with your foolish advice! You have already done your job. You are married. So you think your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Now my task is to convince at least a few more people. Yes, you too, lady, “Let’s go from here, let’s go!” If you want to be beautiful, be patient. All of. Today the work is finished. Samples in four days.

Four days later, the murderer Perelmutter met Kolya and Olya right on the stairs. His eyes shone.

Congratulations to you, young people! He was screaming. I have not slept for three nights. But, you know, I know what we will win in this case. Apart from color, of course. Really on your feet! Yes, not for everyone. Our right leg is, of course, pushed, but the left is normal. The human! So I propose a cut. on the left side. From the middle of the so-called thigh to the very floor. Do you understand?

And now you imagine the picture: a sunny day, you and your wife are walking on the street. She wears a new dress with a cut from Perelmutter. And everyone rejoices! Those around you – because they see your spouse’s luxurious left leg, and you – because they don’t see her less spectacular right! I think genius!

— Probably. — Axius agreed to Cole.

Listen to Rome! He screamed into the depths of the apartment. And he still doubts!

A few days later, Olya came to pick up her dress without Carly.

Where is your worthy husband? I asked Perelmouth.

– We’ve split up... – Olya whispered. It turns out, Cole did not expect me to have so many shortcomings.

Oh, that is what! She told the prostitute to invite her in. “Well,” said the carpenter, helping her get a really beautiful and very suitable dress. I didn’t like your ex-husband right away. We ladies have a blind eye on this. Think of the shortcomings! You may not be eighteen now. So, don't jump a year or two in height - and both of your legs will become exactly the same. And the hips and bust... If there is a market in our city "Privation"... In general, believe me, after some time you will still have to come up with the shortcomings. Because, frankly, we men only admire women’s merits. I love you... I don’t even know why. Maybe because of the shortcomings. My Roma, for example, had a huge number of them. Maybe that’s why I still love her as much as I did on my first date, even though she hasn’t been there for ten years.

How is it not? Olya was surprised. Who are you talking to all the time?

With her, of course. With whom else? And you know, this is exactly what I wanted to tell you about your ex-husband.
If a man really loves a woman, he cannot be separated from her even such a serious trouble as death! Not that there is a half-crazy parrot Perlemuter there...
Rome, am I right?

by Georgy Golubenko