From letter to summary:

Hi Mary Ivanovna!
There is a vacancy in your department. Look at my resume, maybe I’ll come. Tired of driving to work for three hours at a time, I would like to get closer to the place of residence. There were no business contacts with you, however, in the mid-1990s we provided you with two machines of production inventory, the calculation was done carefully and quickly, which was remembered. The only excitement is your phrase in the requirements for the candidate: "Skill to work in a team". Experience suggests that it is the ability to drink. Alcohol is an inevitable part of business. I am tired of drinking before. So, if you need not a young and looking, but just a working, let me know. Better to call by the contacts indicated in the summary...
With respect,
by Ivan Ivanovich.