With regard to the idiots with analyses, a friend told me this story:
They came with the class to the medical commission in the military department. They were strictly warned in advance to have urine and fecal tests with them in the appropriate container. But they had one real fool (whether he loved it, or was he really a fool), in general, when the turn came to him to present his analyses in the window, he proudly put a litre bowl of mayonnaise on the table. When the surprised host asked "what is it?" he opened the cover. The bank was half-filled with urine, in which a huge cacao floated.
He did not go through the medical committee.