The astronaut, who went into space for the first time in human history, was unable to return. He freely steamed at the end of a 5-meter rope over the planet, but when it was time to return, it turned out that the scapondr was bloated and did not climb into the gateway.

In order to get there, he had to increase the pressure in the skafandra to 0.27 Earth pressure - this happens somewhere three kilometers above Everest.

It was a miracle, but he did not lose consciousness. But now the second gate did not let him go. It was possible to enter it, only grossly violating the instructions - forward with the head, not the legs. He fell next to his comrade. Hardly rested, the news came - the automatic system of return to Earth broken. Again, for the first time in human history, a ship had to be returned to the planet manually. And then there was a problem: on the new Vostok - 2 ship, the only window of the illuminator looked to the side. Only the stars were visible. You start the engine wrong - instead of going back, you will fly further and stay there forever.

The cosmonauts desperately crawled through the cabin, stared from different angles into the unfortunate illuminator, pretended to remember where the Big Bear was and where the Earth was, and finally launched the engine. It probably sounds funny, but again for the first time in the history of mankind, they occupied their seats with a working rocket engine, the acceleration of which is hard to turn into a leech. It remains a mystery where it will take them.

They hardly remember the descent. Woke up and left. around the belt. It is cold – minus 30. On the ship was a mass of rescue means - fishing hooks, a means to scare off sharks, the only TT pistol, and so on. I did not think of the cold. The cosmonauts removed the scooters, poured out of them five liters of sweat each, opened the fire naked, carefully wrapped up and began to wait, periodically knocking on the morzjanka - SOS. The text did not diversify - but what exactly to write for the entire planet? We are Soviet astronauts, we are in hell know where, we are bad.

This signal was screened by trees. The cosmonauts guessed they were moving on the rocks. Ultimately, SOS was caught in Bonn. The Germans informed the Kremlin. Our people did not believe.

At that time, the only thing the Flight Control Center knew about the missing astronauts was that they landed somewhere in Russia. Hundreds of helicopters were lifted into the air and chested the surroundings. At this time, the telecast that the cosmonauts landed safely and rested in the sanatorium. The pause between this message and the appearance on the screen of the astronauts themselves was clearly delayed. Unable to withstand, Brezhnev called Korolev and asked what to fuck. King's evil answered: "My job is to launch astronauts, yours is to notify. You were in a hurry, not me.”

Finally, one of the helicopters caught fire and two unfortunate astronauts near him. Sitting there was impossible. A group of skiers went on foot to clean up the site with a tail. And from the sky came gifts - warm clothes and box of cognac. The clothes hanged on the trees, the cognac broke. The astronauts stumbled and darkened.

I deliberately put it all in the genre of a vertical adventure novel. To understand the contrast. I just told the documentary recording of Alexey Archivich Leonov. As if in denial of complete nonsense, two stars of the Hero of the Soviet Union burned on his chest. I would give a dozen for more than Brejnev, and for every “first time in human history” in this flight. They are all so Russian.