bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №155655
 14.01.2021
The Czech Republic is stopping the development of its coronavirus vaccine. They have beer all the time.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №155654
 14.01.2021
I met a guy 6 years ago. He moved to live with me so that I couldn’t spend money on renting the apartment. I lived for a month and got a cat. A week later, the kitten became seriously ill and I took the box with him to our bedroom. We both worked and I decided to put the camera in the bedroom. The boy did not say. Toli forgot, Toli has something else. But the fact remains a fact. I sat a few days later at work and the alert came on the phone... I was slightly surprised, because the camera did not respond to the cat. The guy was at work. No one could take anymore. and OK. I go in, I look at it, and it’s all according to the classic of the genre. The guy, the girl, the bed and their passionate stormy sex... She showed the video to the boss and went home. She personally took me home in her car and helped throw away the guy, the girl and the stuff of the fool. So we stayed with the cats to take care of the good.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №155653
 13.01.2021
As a child, I thought pads worked like diapers. Waited until the parents were not at home, put one in the cowboys (every day or not I don't remember already) and began to do a wet job. What was my surprise when the warm moisture flowed over my feet and formed an impressive grove on the floor. Traces of the experiment hid, the parents did not inform))) but my intriguing mind did not stop it. There were some strange experiments.)



Yyy: Oh, and you are like, “Experiment 1 failed. Experiment 2: Will the tampons help you not to get upset?

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №155652
 13.01.2021
xxx: Set up cameras, after acquiring a four-legged friend in the form of a dog... very useful thing. At work, you observe how the dog with anxiety breaks off the pieces of linoleum in the kitchen, bites the legs of the table, eats the stool from the couch... During the day, you analyze the scale of the incident, find ways to solve the problem, at the same time you run through the catalogs of construction stores. You come home with building materials and already calmed nerves. The adoption phase has passed. You are met by the finest boy, cheering with his tail, and in his teeth has an elephant horn, which you, the fox, left specifically for him to bite him. I just bite him!”

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155651
 13.01.2021
My father has a cousin, with whom we were born on the same day, but with a difference of 10 years, so I am constantly told that if you don't care about yourself, you will become like Vasya. Vashi, by the way, has two apartments, a solid car, and in general he earns well, except that he was bald at 30 years old and is still not married. But that year, he found a person, his mate, with whom he rides on bicycles, goes to restaurants and so on. So recently there was a case that he was at her house and suddenly his girlfriend called his mother with the joyful news - Anja, open the doors I will rise up, brought you from the village a roof on a mantle. Vasya and her mother are not familiar and so Anja hasn’t come up with anything better than hiding it in the closet. Oh yeah, people under forty, and he was sitting in the closet for an hour with the thought - Well, when she'll be gone. His father ruthlessly trolls on the subject, telling her she struggled to show you simple.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №155650
 13.01.2021
The shit is easy to keep on floating. The rest must be broken.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155649
 13.01.2021
This bridegroom is broken!

Immediately after graduating from school, Masha inertly ran to meetings of classmates taking place at the disco in the park nearby to the school. He runs through the park past his native school, spends a couple of hours dancing, exchanges news and goes home on a tram.

And here one summer night Masha jumped from a tram at the stop at home. and fell. Very unsuccessfully fell - broke the ligaments on the ankle. Masha didn’t feel the pain, she just couldn’t get up. Masha lies at the stop all in the dust and one thought in her dumb head revolves: how to get home? No soul around.

And here, according to her command, a human shadow appears from the street and goes straight to Masha. A man in military uniform.

Do you know the girl Zina? She lives at this address. The sheet extends her. Masha whispered her nose, read the address and whispered:

We have no zen. I know exactly. I know everyone here!

It cannot be! The military cried out. What is it with you?

“I fell,” said the fallen Masha. My foot hurts. And the military, generously offering her his help, brought Masha home.

A glass of water? He asked the calf.

“Mommy in the night,” Masha’s fever broke in her head. Grandma is at home! He sleeps sensibly! Behind the wall! But he helped... he brought me home... I’m not an ungrateful one?”

The last thought won and Masha took the guest to the kitchen. I poured a glass of water. put before him. The village opposite. The soldier took off his cloth and drank. He said quietly and simply:

Get married to me.

Masha whispered her nose again. She was not prepared for such proposals. Yes, and in the read Masha novels it all happened somehow... Something was wrong...

“I am now,” said Masha. And cuddled into the bathroom. O my God! From the mirror, Masha looked at a strange face painted with tears. Tears like spring canals dry through the dust snakes. The clothes are dust too. And it broke on the shoulder... “Bride!” – Masha nodded, washed and brought herself in order.

In the kitchen, the military also sat still in the previous place. She sat opposite again. And he told her that he would be transferred to a new military unit, and there would be given an apartment on condition that he would get married.

While he told her all this, Masha looked at his stubborn eyebrows and thought. He doesn’t even know my name! He knows nothing about me!

Can I ask a question? I asked Masha. The military shrugged. Well, let’s say you bring me to your military unit, go to serve... And I don’t love you! And there’s a young soldier...and we’ll love each other...What are you going to do?

“I will kill you,” the bridegroom walked away without thinking.
to whom?
and both.
Thank you very much! I do not need! Masha breathed out joyfully.
He carried a guest over the threshold.

In the morning, my mother came from work, cried and cried, looking at the swollen daughter's leg, took her to the hospital. And the grandmother, who slept behind the wall, hearing this story, extended with pity:

Oh yeah, a fool! This bridegroom is crazy!

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №155648
 13.01.2021
“It’s not that your family is rich, I really love your daughter and want to marry her.
Which of the three?
In any...

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155647
 12.01.2021
Everyone knows that doctors often (permanently) patients give in gratitude boxes of candy. Naturally, in order not to spend an extra time on candy these boxes are transferred. A friend of my mom came to the tea (the ophthalmologist) with a box of raphaelocks, they opened it, and from there, along with the candy money looked at them... Aunt Tanya said that the case was difficult, but the eye saved the man, he so thanked, so thanked, candy gave and smiled... She then sat all night with a confused face and thought if she could have someone else from her stocks to pass on candy "with gratitude" and that it was necessary to check the remaining stocks for every case)))

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №155646
 12.01.2021
I found a button cell phone in the lawn, clearly childish, judging by the color range.

Included - works and in contacts "Daddy" is, I pick up, tell what and how. In response, the bullshit and talk about the fact that this is the third attempt of his son to "losing" his non-fashionable mobile phone.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №155645
 12.01.2021
At school, we were asked to stick three-dimensional geometric figures. Who doesn’t bring – Tom 2. My friend and I broke. And I suggested to stick again. He asked why. And I said that most likely everyone will forget and, in order not to get 2, will be ready to buy. We damned those figures. There were 4 packages. And we did not lose. Indeed, almost no one glued anything and our figures broke apart, like hot cakes, for 50 rubles. Then another few days we glued them for those to whom the teacher gave a postponement and for parallel classes. I have never had easier money in my life.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №155644
 12.01.2021
Our power always takes credit of trust from the people, but it is never counted for it.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155643
 12.01.2021
In the discussions, the abode of all kinds of frics and other criteria, sometimes adequate, I was asked the question: what is school leadership? What I want to do, I will answer in the release. I once tried to take that leadership.

March 1979, Sedanka, is a village near Vladivostok. Stalin-era barracks entered the land, plus three new officer houses. My first lesson. I am a foreigner from communism, from the military town of the elite part of Alma-Ata. I am almost 14. When we were born again, there were no grandparents, no goops, no bullies. I look at it, what shit? With me, the newcomer, no one sat next to me. The whole class is boring. On the shift - three happy fools spit girls and try to reveal something from them, despite energetic resistance, none of the guys enter. All the boys, like abandoned, try not to notice. Two ploughnuts begin to climb up before me, amusingly looking at the captain, the ambal of the middle articles - and isn't it time for him to come to them for help?

The breakdown came quickly - at the next lesson we were driven to grind the leaves in the school yard. It should have been done in March, I don’t understand it now. Three men approached me and offered me to go out of the corner. Find out the relationship. I look at them and think that’s a script. The captain will most likely beat me himself, in an honest fight around the corner - really powerful and probably pumped on such fights. If something goes wrong, two sprinklers will help. The result is 100% - a gentle, slightly beaten and completely loyal guy will return across the corner. Like all previous ones.

But do I need it? I had the only chance. The captain was overwhelmed by his threats. I gave a blow to the jaw, added a knee to the eggs, then a few beats on the painful places. The biggest damage was that he bitten his tongue from the first blow. The means of communication with the herd were lost. There was only a complaint in the curved position. I asked the rest of the crowd who would go out with me, one on one. To continue, so to speak, the dialogue. Both of them somehow stumbled, and began to blatantly explain what prevents them from doing so. Basically they fought each other - a colleague, in their unanimous opinion, was more worthy to represent the combat qualities of the Stay.

The girls laughed - this was the real end of the criminal group. They were no more flattered. Upon returning to the class for the party, a strong guy, also from an officer family, sat with me. His mistake was that he once obediently walked over the corner, like a bull for slaughter, and was thoroughly beaten. And in the battle with the superior forces is real, the lower, the better.

Have we taken the lead? In the sense of stopping the hoppy image - yes. In terms of use, no. The girls in the class seemed unhappy to me – my heart was broken by the remaining in Alma-Ata Oxanna. And the neighbor's party was all the way, only to prevent him from studying.

It is curious that in the best universities in the world there is the opposite phenomenon, but equal - the strength of the smart. Mike Crow, the rector of the University of Arizona, himself reading the lectures, said about the following:
“Before the pandemic, I didn’t like the fact that in a full-time class there were always two or three (a few) of the most cowardly students who were the first to answer questions and were willing to engage in discussion, while thinking about what they wanted to say, except for the absolute need to speak first. The rest of the class was forced to polite silence over the lack of time. In zoom, I myself choose who to give the word, based on the replies received in the chat.

That with fist, that with tongues, even with a thorn, even with a thorn, youth tends to aggressively self-affirm. But to humiliate the especially embarrassed is always easier than it seems to a frightened peer.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №155642
 12.01.2021
Someone can explain me one thing.
Has the person who has access to the nuclear weapons launch button been found too dangerous to have a Twitter account?

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №155641
 11.01.2021
Once in my youth, a friend came to visit me on Christmas with a nightclub. I brought a bottle of cohora (Christmas too), which was very pleasant!

After drinking, smoking and talking, we sat down and watched a movie, and a friend asked me to wrap her haircuts for the night, so that my hair would be wavey in the morning. I say, sit on the floor, it’s all right now.

Spotting her hair, which apparently makes her start to relax even more on the backdrop of drunkenness, a friend says she is already cuddling her nose and falling asleep sitting.

I: What, the blame was taken away?

You will be forever, you will not be able to live without your subjects. I came to you for a celebration, and you are insulting me today!

I (in shock): How am I offending you?

Q: You’re going to cuddle now that you haven’t called me right now!

I: How did I call you? ? to ? to ? to

The pigs!

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №155640
 11.01.2021
I don’t know why a couple of spouses are so forced, because the battles between a couple of spouses are much more epic.

Yyy: Because the daughter-in-law is funny, and the daughter-in-law is scary

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155639
 11.01.2021
This movie is relatively fresh.

YYY: YYYY is 2008

XXX: Relatively

YYY: About what?

XXX: About us

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155638
 11.01.2021
I live in Germany. I speak German a little better than my wife, so I often solve questions by phone, but some services are fixed on my wife, because it is easier (she has an unlimited visa, and I have a renewable).

Usually there is no problem, my name is Ivanova Oksana Igorovna - and it's okay.

I call the next office, there they answer "Contact IDLOG, operator Miller! "

I begin to explain the problem, to register the application need to pass an identification. The operator several times asks me if I am really Ivanova Oksana Igorovna (usually everything rolls perfectly, ask the date of birth, a secret word and everything is okay). Finally, when I realized what it was about, I said in Russian, "I already understood that you are the same Mrs. Miller as I am Oksana, a contract for a wife, but she speaks poorly in German."

Mrs. Miller, whispering, confirmed the application and everything went well.

That is how we live!

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №155637
 11.01.2021
I had a stomach pain yesterday. I am sitting in the home pharmacy box, looking for a nose. I burst under my nose that I can't find a fig because of a cloud of unnecessary and already outdated medications, which my wife buys for the chance, and they never fit.



The wife replied, "Yes, I had a pharmacy before - a dose of courage: a patch and aspirin."



My inner philologist wondered what a beautiful and tangible expression. A dose of courage I have never heard of. The fact is that I am from the north of Russia and my wife from the south, and even now, after 8 years of marriage, we often discuss the lexical differences in our speech.



What a cool expression, did you invent it yourself or do you say it?

What expression?

Are you courageous about medicines?

The woman is silent for a long time, then begins to roast wildly.

“Dear,” I said, “before marriage,” you are my linguist.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №155636
 11.01.2021
During the practice in the universe, arranged to the factory, everyone called, and need to come.

I came, to the staff department, the aunt calls the boss and says, "We have an intern here, do you? “” I hear in the phone, “Let him go!”

The aunt slowly puts on the phone and says, “Sorry, we don’t need interns yet...” This was my first experience of communicating with the bosses.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna