I look at last year’s code.
He is just like my life.
xxx: funny and ugly
XHH: and it improves over time

Smart people not only have a hobby, but also get good money for it.

The case was in the village. In the sub-chief collage, where we, six young specialists (four boys and two girls) in the rainy fall of the eighty-seventh sent the management of the native factory. This colloquium was so dull that if you imagine the ass of the world, and then find on this ass the most hidden and inaccessible point, this will be the village of twenty courts in which we end up. A night on a train, four hours on a collective bus on a road that had traces of asphalt, and another hour and a half just on the fields in the truck of a tractor "Belarus", with three bags of potatoes and two dead animals.
What is it? “Has a thick finger in the carcass of a pig and a pig,” Tanya asked. I will not go with the bodies.
They are not bodies. He responded by a tractor driver.
Yes! yes! And what then?
Your food.

We were settled in an empty house on the outskirts of the village. The rain did not stop for a day. Every morning of our new life began with the arrival of a brigadier at eight in the morning. A few words about the brigadier should be said separately. He was a man of middle age and about the same degree of intoxication. He was not a drunkard, not an alcoholic, it was just such a way of life. Neither sober nor drunk we have ever seen him, he was always in the same state. And every day, strictly at eight in the morning, he came and announced that due to weather conditions, the battle for the harvest was postponed indefinitely. Then we were given to ourselves. We just did not have fun. Cards, anecdotes, books, games - everything quickly ended and tired. And once after dinner, when we were sitting as usual and trembling about nothing, we talked about pioneering camps. Where and how they lived in childhood. And the lion said:
I liked the camp. We had a party in the camp every day. Today, for example, is February 23. And we went on strike all day, depicting the combat squad, singing military songs. Tomorrow is March 8. We congratulated the girls, prepared a festive concert for them, made some gifts, and depicted galantine knights. and so on. Shortly for the change we had time to celebrate all the holidays that are in the year. Including the New Year.

Shut up! Suddenly one of us said. Do we celebrate the New Year too?! to

Everyone laughed, but nobody took those words seriously. But somehow imperceptibly and involuntarily, this idea suddenly became full of real and clear prospects. Soon all the plans and roles were detailed. Since the morning, work has been over.

It was a hundred meters to the nearest tree tree, and an hour later the beautiful tree was standing in the middle of the cottage, relying on the ceiling, and emitting the incredible and unparalleled smell of the holiday. After that, even the most outspoken skeptics have changed their mood dramatically. We cooked, made decorations, cut snowflakes and garlands, painted patterns on the windows, and came up with what to make the costumes of Santa Claus and Snowmen. As a festive drink from Aunt Vali, two three-liter pots of village samsung were purchased, and several cans of strawberries. At the same time, as a bonus, she managed to kick out an apple girland for a while. After weakening a portion of the samon with strawberry and well water, we obtained several varieties of beautiful strawberries.

By eight o’clock, everything was almost ready. The table was broken by an abundance of snacks and drinks. The tree shone with lights and filled with bright jewelry. The music played loud. The girls at the stove drove the last marathon. Soon the celebration began.

What to say? Per a more bright, fun, and unusual New Year I will not remember in my life. There was everything, and New Year’s gifts, and Santa Claus, and “Yellow, light up!"and the styles on the table, and the chord around the tree tree, and even the New Year's disco. At three o’clock, we were silent. Not the last role in this was played by the authentically walled village self-driving.

At eight in the morning, the door opened as usual, and a figure of a brigadier appeared on the threshold. The brigadier took a step forward, opened his mouth for his traditional morning greeting, and so with his mouth open and measured. In the middle of the cottage stood a tree flowing through the fires. Under the tree, putting a bag of gifts under his head, and stuck his nose in a folded beard, Santa Claus slept sweetly. In the corner on the bench, she sang swirling with a snowflake. On the right side of the window was a table with the remains of a rich New Year's meal, all in serpentine and snowflakes.

The brigadier stood for a minute, then closed his mouth, approached the table, poured a glass of самогоon, and without a snack drank. Then, trying not to make noise, he walked around the room, looked out the window, admired the tree, sat down near Santa Claus, returned to the table, and poured it again. After drinking the second glass, he sat down, smoked looking at the tree, then cleaned the edge of the table, placed his hands with a cross, placed his head on them, and grabbed.

He woke up an hour and a half later, at a clean table. We sat at the same table and played cards, trying not to make any noise, so as not to disturb the peace of the collective chief. The girls prepared breakfast. The brigadier looked muddy, first to the empty table, then to us, then to the rest of the room, and asked with a whisper:
Where is the tree?
What tree? He asked Valer, handing over the cards.
The tree. The New Year. She stood here. The brigadier said in parts.
We looked surprised.
Was the New Year’s Eve here? I asked Valer. Did the cowardly rabbit not jump under her?
I did not jump. The brigadier said. Santa was sleeping under it.
"I too," said Lechka, "this kind of shit can be dreamed, especially if you are sleeping uncomfortable.
Good to fool! The brigadier said. Did I think you went crazy?
No of course! Valeria said and asked. – Victor Ivanovich, what is the number today?
The brigadier turned his hand with the clock, then said, "Tyfu on you!“He stood up from the table and walked into the middle of the house. There, for some reason, he looked first at the ceiling, then, more closely, under his feet, probably trying to find some confirmation of his words, but found nothing. Again, looking carefully but unsuccessfully around the table, he returned to the table and asked:
What to drink?
Maybe a champagne? I proposed a leopard. A cold one, right?
You will joke with me! The brigadier said.
Valera got out of the store a bank with the remains of the monk.
Silently drinking, the brigadier, not saying goodbye, went out of the door, and dissolved in a moist mist.
More in the morning, without any particular need, he tried not to come to us.

British scientists have established that at the price of a barrel of oil $100+ officials do not have time to throw all the babies, and the country begins economic growth.

Minsk Zoo accepts tree trees for animal feed, Belta reports with reference to the capital zoo. Trees that need to be removed should be left at the entrance to the zoo from Monday to Friday from 10.00 to 17.00.
- In needle legs contains a lot of beneficial substances, they go to the food of the copper. Do not hesitate to eat "colliecs" zebra, deer, camels. This is not the first year that we have such an action, many citizens are responding to our request.

I was in a clinic with a therapist (T). There, on the first day, a new nurse (M) ~27-30 years old, Toli Altai, Toli Cossack went to work. Beginning of working day. The nurse can not log in to the system, on the screen the inscription "wrong password". It causes sysadmine (C). The following dialogue:
Q: Here is your password (a combination of numbers, large and small Latin letters) on the paper, did you enter it?
M: Yes, but I’m not sure what’s right. Are there big or small numbers?
C: In the sense?
M: Well, I picked up big ones. The big eight is the shift + 8.
C: Shift + 8 is a star.
The surprisingly incomprehensible look of the nurse.
C: *Deep breath*...Next time write small numbers.
is leaving.
Q: And the numbers are big and small too?
M: Finally!

Q&A: Have you forgotten it?
yyy> No
yyy> I go
XXX> Where is it?? to
yyy>...the number of Hz

From a review of the English series "Faith":

Watched the first series of the 2011 British detective television series titled "Faith". I managed to watch the series in English in the original, which I even regretted a little, because the main character and some other actors have just a terrible British pronunciation, just sometimes nothing is unclear..."

A few weeks later, the timlid found a constant — the number of days per month. “Thirty.” February and so on.?" – we thought and added the bag to the tasklist. The next day we found the constant of the “months of the year.” “The 13.”

to this:
For violation of the law on silence citizens threaten to be fined up to 2,000 rubles, officials - up to 5,000, organizations - up to 6 thousand.

How much should I pay for ringing the bells at night?

As one of my friends said, looking at the furious Komsomolists, when we came to a closed rock concert organized by the Central Committee of Komsomol exclusively for their own: “See how easily the Komsomol icons fly away from their clothes when you listen to “Led Zeppelin!”

One acquaintance told: to them in the department came a soldier, who did not get a retirement. Why he left the troops, for a long time did not cuddle, but then told drunk. From the first person.

We served at the PW station. Quiet, no bosses, spare parts by helicopter. A year and a half in total. They are very warm Finnish houses. I was especially lucky. Neighbor of the house commander of the unit. The only anachronism is a glass of gene instead of a toilet. The channel broke! ! to Sanitary, of course not. I decided to show officer wisdom. He took the explosive package, blinked from the rod, lit it, threw it into the shell, covered it with a cloth and stood up (110 kg). Bumped quite, removed the shit, the genuine whole and clean. He did not have time to rejoice in his ingenuity, as the commander flew in an extreme state of rage, even saying nothing but matta could not. I pulled it into his variety, there is everything stuck, but the worst thing is that the ceiling is clean. Everything that was supposed to be there was on the back of his wife, who was all in shit and fainting lying on the half at the entrance to the toilet. 72 hours for meetings, as Russian diplomats, slight brain shock and here, experience was not enough.

Dinner with my husband’s older brother.
One night the hamster ran on the wheel, almost without stopping.
How sad to realize that even the hamster is in much better physical shape than I am.

My wife makes salads. I decided to count how much it ended up, it turned out to be seven. On the four.
I’ve decided to do so much...
She is not eating, I told about twelve...

I go into the offices of the employees and drive them out of their seats. Seeing me, the all-powerful director begins to whisper, “Wait, I’m now,” and the terrible headbone – to hurry quickly and rush. I occupy their jobs, the girls from the accounting office get up and out quickly when I go, no matter how busy they are. And while I am in their offices, everyone stands in the hallway waiting for me, nervously picking up the keys and supporting the walls. I am free to enter the door with the sign “I am everywhere, I have ALL the keys.” I look at people passing by and they start crawling along the wall when they see me. I am a superman! I am a cleaner!

rv3dmg:... My wife once calculated that I spent ten shubs on my hobby
A friend - that three tanks of spirits
I don’t like to drink in such a cottage. :)

This story has been 11 years. The incident occurred in the Crimea, on the top of Ai-Petri. There was also the famous museum of ancient torture (per it still exists today). A group of teenagers, rock climbers, went on a tour with their coach. The road by the serpentine, the lift over the abyss, the sunset and the clouds below us – was exciting.

Among us was a boy, one of those people, according to whose biography it is possible to make an almanac of ridiculous situations. Nothing predicted...

Already at sunset, before departure, we went to the museum of torture under the open sky. Well, “museum” is a loud word for a small bunch of wood and debris, as I then imagined. The guide told about the torture tool "grush". Those who were interested came closer to him. Further, the guide guided children and adults from neighboring groups to other fascinating subjects. They went further, somewhere deeper. The coach and the girls looked at the objects separately, on the side. I and several other teenage girls stayed with the boy N. who suddenly came up on the stage. In the literal sense. N. (He was 11 years old) and his elderly companion rose up on a kind of shaft. In the middle of it was a guillotine. Of course, the hiccups and thin whispers of the girls only encouraged the rabbits. Further, N. looks around and, without finding the eyes of adults, lies on the shaft and places his head in the hole of the guillotine. Everyone is funny. But not me. The guillotine is real, the blade is not rusty, it shines, and the coach is my native aunt. To quickly grasp what the situation gives, we and the girls call the coach. N. receives an immediate instruction to get out of his dangerous position! For now, everyone is funny. When N. tries to pull his head out of the hole, he fails. The more he tries, the more the wooden structure is shaken together with this damn blade.

Scream, panic, the elderly hold the blade with their naked hands, others hold the trigger rope, all worship (in general, laugh and cry). The guide calls. Changing the face quickly penetrates into the urgency of the situation. Thirty seconds later, the hostage was released. The hostage is silent. The guide smiles embarrassed. The coach is silent. The children are silent. They all went back quietly. Places wanted to laugh, but the secret decision of the whole group was to spend the evening journey back in silence.

For a long time I dreamed of this moment with its possible outcome...

It is no secret that many teenagers of the 90s secretly took video cassettes with "erotics" from their parents, and after viewing they returned to their place, pre-wrapping the film for the right moment. But even though I did the same thing, I was constantly falling. And for each such offence I was punished with house arrest for a day or two, depending on how long I was out. A few years later, I realized my mistake. It is all the fault of a “sweeper” who has one special function. Before spitting out the cassette, he automatically wiped off the film five seconds ago, shifting the already wiped boundary. And by this "shift" my father knew exactly that I was taking his tape. These damned five seconds cost me hours, or even days of “freedom.”

I was 9 years old, the year was 1995, I lived the ordinary life of a provincial city's shuffler: I walked through garages, long-range buildings and exploded an aluminum with magnesium and was childless and joyful. In my house lived a crouch - a man with criminal ties, who was chasing in Togliatti for the 9th and the 99th, ie. With a company of friends, I brought 6-8 cars at a time, quickly pushed them and again on the road. He was a very athletic guy: a boxer, he swung, the only one from the whole house who raped the turniks. His friends had the same. His name was Uncle Andrew. He was in power for 30 years.



And right now, I am sitting on an ordinary bench, forging a stick with a knife, uncle Andrew comes up with a blue urka painted, similar to the Azer, not to the Armenian: spikes on his arms, iron teeth, the body of a young man. I am driven out of the bench, I go to the turniches, I sit on two tubes (where the press swings and the back), I look at their dialogue: first the urka sat, then they sat together, then the urka stood up, from the neighboring house began to drive a heels (412) bad blue color. And here, when the heels were equal to Urka and Andrew, Urka got something out of the back pocket, a couple of times literally hit Andrei in the chest and jumped to the front open place in the heels, whistling tires (well well - a screw). Andrei stands up and goes to his entrance, has not reached exactly 5 steps... He died. I called the neighbor’s grandmother to call an ambulance and menths, waited for them, and as a young pioneer proudly said: the witness is me. Fortunately, after a couple of months, the nightmare stopped, I was shown the face of a dead urki, and my pursuit of threats ceased (although they came to our house too). My mother breathed calmly and restored my freedom of movement, and I was still the same careless and stupid child.

Good time of day. I work in a fairly large organization. 1K is overtaken. We are gathered as a leader to summarize at the end of the year, tell us what has been done and what will be done. He sings to us that we are the continuers of glorious traditions, what we all need and so on and the final gives.



People who come to work with us. They are people with high morality and ideas. We don’t work for money, but for ideas. If there is someone here in the room who came for money, then there is no place for you here. I offer to pay a naked salary for three months (from 8 to 14 thousand). Let’s see who has the crack. Whoever runs away, runs away!”



I sit down, I look inside myself... rotten, rotten. It is totally rotten =))