One day in a sample store where I work, a woman long persuaded her husband to sample another jeans. On the offer also something to look after, she replied, "I have everything, I don't have time to wear! “”

Here is the dialogue between the cabins:

Someone: Man, and where did you find such a woman? There is more there?

Our man from the cabin: no more, I will not give.)

Women: I have a lot of disadvantages, I drink and smoke))

Somebody (admired): So you can even bump! ? )

At school, a math teacher replaced a geographer and asked about the highest mountain on the planet. Everyone is screaming about Everest and it’s with them, and I’m picking up the Olympic peak on Mars. The teacher wanted me to get a pair, but I said I was right, because it was necessary to clarify on which planet! 10 for cleverness and cleverness.

Lunch at work. I ask the new one:

What year will you be born?

by 1997.

I went to school this year!

A man from the neighboring department:

In 1997? I finished school that year and went a long walk.

This was how I first felt old, and immediately realized that it was not quite yet.

Once at a literary lesson, the teacher asked what was the essence of the silent scene at the end of Gogol's play "Revizor". I had a book with excerpts from Gogol's letters to friends, I quickly reviewed them and found one where he wrote about this scene, said, will best show the shock of the heroes, a spectacular ending. And I sounded. The teacher said that this thought only pulls the four. I told my mother at home, they burned. The fourth is the thought of Gogol. On the four...

If the lady opens her mouth, and the man does not get any pleasure from it, then you have to change the entire lady.

sadly
I will be 53 years old in December. Pension under the new law. Since January I fall under the law that those who are 5 years before retirement, those not to be fired.
I was very happy to be able to work for 5 years and pay my bills. Salary is good, conditions are good, a dream, not a job.
Last week my boss called me and announced a reduction.

This is so. And with this new law I may not be able to work now.
I worry.

Soon we will see the first case in history where a prosecutor, a defender, a midfielder and an attacker will appear in court.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the cinema with my kids. We bought tickets 5 minutes before the start, and then they remembered that they hadn't taken anything from food with them, so it turned out that they hadn't eaten since morning. I say to my wife - go to the hall, I'll run to the KFC, I'll buy the little things and coke, I'll come back in a few minutes. I go back with a bag in which there are whistles, in the hands of a couple of large glasses with a collar, and here my way is blocked by a guard. Sorry, but not with your food and drinks. How I begin to get angry. - These are the rules, read here, and point to the tablet on which it is written - you can not bring food and drinks purchased outside the cinema area into the hall. Everything needs to be purchased in a local cafe, where it costs times more expensive.



The security guard explains that there are cameras everywhere and the management monitors this. Hm, and what should I do now? I ask him a question.



“You can put it on this table and take it after the session,” he said. How is it? They will disappear! I’m already preparing to leave them there because the session has begun. And then the guard approaches me and quietly says: you can buy in the neighboring "children's world" package, put your food there and pass, it's not forbidden, nobody sees what's there. I thank him, I go to the “children’s world”, I buy a package, I put my purchases there and I quietly pass by the guard who pretended not to see me. We were the only ones in the room.



Thank you guard!

Religious views: an atheist

One day my best friend decided to go on a diet. Well, you know this classic diet: in the morning black coffee and toast, for lunch chicken breasts without salt and salad leaves. And since we rented the apartment together, I was forced to sit on that diet. for the support. For the third day, I lie without strength on the couch and say:
I feel like I have super abilities. Especially the super smell. Here I hear on the 2nd floor in the apartment number 40 cooking soup. of beef. Probably with a housekeeper. What a delicious.
In fact, I just opened the cat’s canned food. I feel like they have to be hidden from you.

Ramzan threatened all Chechens who behave unworthy in Moscow with a terrible punishment - to return to Chechnya!

Good deception begins with half-truth.

About the issue of divorce on the phone. What there was the IRS - I was hit here "from the VTB support service": a robot with a well-established voice, Igor Kirillov, with a tragic voice, what I had (oh horror, horror!) The credit card is blocked and I need (already with the metal in the voice and the press) to immediately call back to the support service on the determined phone. At first I simply ignored the calls, put the numbers in the block list, but then the number of calls per day exceeded the limit of decency, and I was given free time. I put a plate of seeds in front of me (I don’t like popcorn) and put a watch in front of me. He answered with a “shy” voice. I regret, the imagination of generating stupid questions around the given topic, ohms, breaths, jokes, additions, old-age whistling and "leaving" from direct requests to tell the number of your card ("you should know yourself" - a taboo) I only had enough for 8 minutes, although I planned to stay 15. At the next stone of a young man who was already boiling, but did not lose hope, demanding to tell him the number of the card, that "he could help me," I took a deep breath and, as soon as I could, said that "but this is not understandable to me, practically inexplicable to me, and that most confuses me in this difficult story, although in 1975 I had almost the same story (here is an insert of the story about the sberkass in Urupinsk, "on Lenin's street, what was there about in the middle, on the left, you know? How not? Then I will tell you...” which, however, I could not clearly shake up until the end) because I just don’t have any of the most collapsing VTB cards, which I am very sad about.” The pause on the other side before dropping the line was long and magnificent. The phone did not answer, the calls did not repeat.

Dmitry Rogozin flew to the landing site of the "Union".
I had to leave Roscosmos.

I live in South Korea. I stayed in the motel for a few days. I have a cherry on my foot. As a man of old hardening, I trust ancient remedies, so I treated the wound with Vishnevsky ointment, which I carried with me, glued it with a patch and fell asleep. And in the morning I found that the bandage was asleep and the dark green, brown ointment was slightly smeared on the snow-white bed.

I think okay. Change by evening.

In the evening I come back, and really the bed changed, and in addition to the bed, in the area of the ass, I laid a cloth... There was still a butterfly on the tub. The shameful...

My friend went on a trip to Obninsk. I decided to connect the local simka. He enters a communication room.

and hello. I want to connect to the local network.

Good morning, please get your passport.

The girl takes a passport, leaps to the page with registration, raises her eyes and says:

We cannot connect you.

Known with confusion:

Why is? ? to

“Because you are registered in Kamchatka, and this is not Russia.

...... ? to What is this?

I do not know.

- Girl, open the first page, there in Russian is written "Citizen of the Russian Federation"!

No, we will not sign a contract, take your passport.



Connected to the neighboring room. The foreigner EPA.

Here you are even afraid to raise the voice on the official, and Kokorin and Mamayev decided to raise the chair!

I’ll tell you a cat’s story. Sometimes it can?

When I was a student, we had a cat at our college. Ordinary such, grey striped. They called her Docente (women’s gender from “docent” in Lithuanian). What is the name of the university cat? Especially one who likes to attend lectures, exams and accounts.

We met her on the day I came to take my first entrance exam - the history of the USSR. I was nervous, of course. I was worried. But when I entered a small, sun-filled audience, I saw that a cat was comfortably arranged on a wide window and was washed in nothing. The spectacle was so home-friendly that all the nervousness evaporated somewhere, and the exam passed surprisingly easily and calmly. Especially because the examiners were rarely kind. Per the cat also acted calmly on them?

When the school year began, we saw that Docente loved lectures and preferred to have as many people as possible. In the audiences there were long old banks-party, where five or six people sat. The cat was usually arranged between two students and slept, listening to the lecturer. Those she chose felt very polished and confessed, not forgetting to scratch her behind her ear from time to time.

She loved the subject of "Ancient literature". These lectures were held on Saturdays – the elderly professor who read them was, simultaneously, Minister of Higher and Secondary Special Education of the Lithuanian SSR. And by education he was a philologist-classic (Latin and ancient Greek). He loved his subject so much that even ministerial duties could not force him to refuse to teach his beloved Latin and ancient literature.

He seemed to have lived for these few Saturday hours all week and could not wait. Students felt and appreciated this – the lectures were extremely lively and entertaining. Despite Saturday morning, almost no one ever missed them.

The professor himself was a remarkable figure. High, wide-handed, with a lush grille of gray hair, always unusually elegant in a dark suit and a white shirt, and the voice is a deep rocky bass baritone. Two hundred people listened to the lecture without any stress, it was heard perfectly even in the furthest corners of the huge auditorium.

Sometimes the professor was fascinated and began to declare Latin or Greek hexameter, walking from window to door. (Steps helped hold the rhythm.) At the same time, he still raised his already powerful voice, and then his declaration began to ring the window windows.

The cat did not like it anymore. As soon as the poems began, she jumped off the bench and walked relentlessly through the passage, proudly holding her tail with a pipe. Arriving at the professor, she tore his trousers, as if advising to stop this noise, and then, without achieving the result, also hastily went to the exit. The professor, not stopping to declare, opened the door (the students grumbled - the lecture was interesting, but with the cat was somewhat cooler), released it and continued to step out.

The cat was also present at other classes. A teacher of German used it in grammar examples - Die Katze sitzt am Fenster.... A young and very enthusiastic teacher of vocabulary as an oral exercise offered to tell what a cat thinks about students or life in general - first-class students forgot about their shyness, and the stories sometimes turned out very funny... The tortured teacher of logic, pointing to the four-legged "free listener", urged students to listen to his lectures just as carefully...

Sometimes she was with us and in the reading room. In the long winter evenings, the circles of light from the lamps lay on the tables, and in silence only the pages shurched, and the cat murmured... The blessed sense of peace and peace in these evening hours was remembered after many years...

The librarians did not bother the cat at all. They only rejoiced in her presence – for books, mice pose a serious danger.

In the spring, cats were born. Three grey-banded, and one black with a white manic and in white socks.
- Such an educated lady, - the students pretended to crush, - and where was it, I wonder, she was able to find a couple? She needed a Cat Scientist, and there was probably just a cat...But where is it? Look at this cavalier.

The cat did not wait long and announced quite soon. A week or two later we found him in one of the small university courtyards, where he obviously decided to settle. A black valley beautiful man with white breasts sat on a height and thoughtfully looked around the surroundings. With the posture and expression of the face, that is, forgive me, the mouth, he reminded us of someone painfully. When I looked closer, I suddenly realized who it was.

The cat was called “Professor.”

As it turned out, Kokorin and Mamayev celebrated the end of the football career.

I was 18 years old. The Winter. I ran for a meeting with a girlfriend. My path was to the subway, and there is a small slope, well, and the sidewalk plate lies, as Sobyanevsky suggested. Slowly shorter. So here, and on the way my grandfather gets in my eyes, old and with a stick. I think I will help him. Or suddenly slide, there is a fracture of the hip neck, the hospital and the grandfather's cranes. I approach and ask:

Hi to you! I’m always polite to help you. I can lead you, or smoothly.

My grandfather was delighted, and in my hand was stuck an acky cloth. He said he was chewing at home and gave me the address. And happy, I know the address (with my topographic cretinism).

I know where it is. I live in the same house!

My grandfather was blooming. I carried him until I came in. And he says:

Here is thanks! Which entrance are you from? Could we meet?

Stay a lot??? What do you mean, grandfather?

Move to me.

I strongly refused. But now I regret, the apartments with the old grandfather on the road do not fall!