bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №157171
 12.11.2021
Young man, we have a bottle of half-sweet.
Can you look at your papers?
Don’t we see that we can already?
Fuck you will understand. You seem to look normal, and then it turns out that you are 65+ and you need to sit at home.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №157170
 11.11.2021
A well-known network of hypermarkets. I lavish among the shelves, in the wheelchair is a daughter, she is about 4 years old. In front of it is a car, so that it has sealed the whole passage. I just wanted to ask to move, and my daughter quickly gave me:

From the road, chicken legs!! to

My aunt falls into a crash like me, but goes away.

As it turned out, the grandmother was reading a fairy tale to her granddaughter the day before and she remembered the most emotional phrase.

[ + 43 - ] Comment quote №157169
 11.11.2021
It was 1990 years. Father went for a walk with a dog (Coker Spaniel, nicknamed Lorik). He walked with him without a guide, on a fairly large area along the river, where bushes, trees and a river. Well, as is the case with the cocker, the dog went in an unknown direction. The father and father said, “Loriko! “Lorry!” Someone else is hearing “Laura! “Laura!” He goes to the voice, and there a man calls his dog. My father is riding on this man, the man is not a man. As a result, the matter goes to a fight and here from the bushes resort to two cocker - Lorik and Laura. The man apologizes, the man too. They divide. Dad comes home. Mother sends him a knot, because the dog is fucking that! They confused the dogs - met on the boulevard, the benefit of the micro-region is small. The portion. This man gets a beer. They sat down and drank beer. Here, the wives went out to look for men with dogs. They met and became friends until the death of my parents. Now I am with them and their kids :)

[ + 43 - ] Comment quote №157168
 11.11.2021
When I was a little boy, my father made me walk, I was 6 years old. These are 2-metre barley sticks, 50-60 mm in diameter, with two degrees. The first stages, like stages, from the rod two pieces were cut off and crushed to two hundred nails, were 0.5 meters from the Earth, the second went through 0.5 meters from the first, and they were from the outside. The first time I stood up on the footsteps, I woke up, high, scary. How to move, move, maintain balance is not known. Once it fell, two, and everything became clear. In the yard, I began to look at everyone from high. A few days later, having mastered this instrument, I learned to run on them, and to give sockets. If you have two darts, you are invincible.

Just remember, and you are the Internet, the Internet.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №157167
 11.11.2021
In recent times, political correctness has become so complicated that I have finally become confused: who can not be called by who, and who must be called by what.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №157166
 11.11.2021
The Law of the Good Samaritan. I remembered one Russian celebration of this law according to the story of a doctor of the Emergency.

He pulled his uncle out of the world of the straight lines of the cardiogram. A mini-oligarch of some kind, judging by the situation of the apartment, as well as by the twisted character of relatives, friends and relatives of the half-dead. They immediately joined up and organized something like a press conference - crowded, excitedly walked and baffled on phones, trying to scream each other.

The atmosphere was created the most psychotic - someone lamented something, someone replied with a choir on the whistle, sharply smelled valerian. From her the cat went crazy and started to wear around the apartment with soul-breaking cries. Who rushed to catch a cat, who broke into the bedroom. One bully then broke in and pulled a whole crowd on its shoulders, hanging on it.
Let me go to him!! She called.
Only through my body!! The other shouted.

A new successful breakthrough from the flank of this fight - the guy had time to call himself a son-in-law, but as he looked at all this, he caught him. He crumbled, pale, and grabbed his heart. He leaned to the wall, the coat at the throat stretches, and the fingers do not fall.

- I have seen such cases in my practice - explained the further doctor - there is nothing to be confused with, and seconds decide. You won’t get a valerian. I grabbed him by the door of all his clothes at once and rattled from the soul, but the buttons across the room jumped - from the shirt, the jacket and the coat. Well, he pulled the discharge with the same defibrillator so he couldn’t get up twice. I felt the collapsed body - the pulse is there, returned to the main patient.

This son-in-law, when he stumbled, was grateful for saving the life of his precious father-in-law, but also upset - it turns out, he tried to stumble in his loaded pocket and was afraid that he had lost it. And he leaned to the wall, so as not to interfere with doctors and not get under the grandmother's decomposition. As he saw the angry faces of the brigade in white rushing to him, he thought that he would be beaten now. I thought it was time to get out of here, I can’t remember anything. Especially not bothered, the sensations after the electrical shock described as revitalizing. I managed to pump the aunt - and okay, figured with her with discolored clothes.

In the meantime, he woke up, slowly waving his hand to his grandmothers, but his face became sad, as if he was thinking about ways to retreat to another world. At the sight of the son-in-law of the toples and in the lush spots below the belt, like a papua, the patient began to revive, listen, and finally spoke. He assured him that he had seen all this from above from the astral, and only after he had restrained, an irresistible force brought him back into his body. The act of a good doctor, who struck an electro-shock in nothing guilty son-in-law, remained unpunished.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №157165
 11.11.2021
If I take a panoramic view of Vichino on which the temple will fall, will it be considered a photo of the ass on the backdrop of the temple?

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №157164
 10.11.2021
I met a guy in the subway. He walked around and led me home. I invited him for tea. We sit down and drink tea. Both are uncomfortable. We both understand that the situation seems to imply, but both are fucking “not.” And then I cuddly poured a boil on his pants. Honestly, I accidentally broke out. I think of myself, “It’s straight like porn. “Well, I really want to fuck.” And I say to him with the most innocent appearance: "Take off your pants, we will dry on the battery." He looked at me with horror and somehow turned off. I drank tea and he was at the door. Here I took him for the shovel (literally), I ask:

Cho, did you not like it?

You liked it, what?

You did not get my number. Let me record.



In general, they have been married for five years. Once we remembered our first acquaintance, he said, "You are offering me to take off my pants, and I think fucking, it's straight like porn, well, it can't really be. I’ll break up, and it turns out you didn’t mean that.”

That is, not that he did not understand the hint, he understood, but insured the journey.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №157163
 10.11.2021
When I was 25, I started working in an organization where most employees were women.

And although they were only 5-10 years older than me, they really seemed "old" to me at the time.

Now I am 44 and looking at the photos of those years, I realize that the aunts were ogo-go))

[ + 29 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157162
 10.11.2021
Today, in a common chat, an employee mistakenly dropped the correspondence with his wife, the television they chose. Chat responded, variants were pushed, from KVN to Horizon)

And I remembered when the chief of the shop was working, I called the Chief Technician, we talked. And the telephone he did not turn off after the end of the conversation, and I listened to his opinion about my decision and about me as a person for 5 minutes).

I worked with him for a long time, and he never knew about it. Jevgeny Sergeevich, greetings from you from the.udak puppy eye)))

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №157161
 10.11.2021
Great nations are not built by sludge and sludge. But this is a decent condition at the expense of the budget – very even.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №157160
 10.11.2021
I honestly don’t understand why people buy dogs. Why dogs – I understand why they buy – I don’t understand. We have this wool good absolutely free all shelters and shelters, I don't want to. For every taste, color and size. I, for example, either picked up all my dogs on the street, or took them from people who did not need these dogs.
Even stronger, I don’t understand why people buy all kinds of bald exotics, in which in our climatic conditions, the cockroaches freeze right in the ass without having time to fall out. In the place of animal advocates, I would catch owners of such dogs, remove their scalp, and sew out of these scalp clothes for such dogs.

The story is not about dogs, but about Valera.
He had such a dog.
Specifically, the dog was not Valera’s, but his wife’s.
That is to say, Valera first had a wife, then a dog.
No, not so though. First Valera had money, then a wife, then a dog. Then the money ended, then the wife left, then...
Fucking no! It will come from the beginning, in order, otherwise nothing is unclear.

In short, at the end of the eighties, Valera rose steadily.
I’m not going to lie in detail, I don’t understand this, but only Valera, yesterday’s MIFI student, worked at the Institute of Nuclear Research as a very junior researcher. And something they there with a group of the same outsiders invented, or invented, some device, or device, which at that time was completely unwanted by domestic science. But this was something that greatly interested our best friends at the time from beyond the ocean, who wiped out of the collapsing alliance everything that was wrong. They bought an experimental sample. Incredible money at the time. And then, after making a number of constructive remarks, ordered a few more such devices. Valera quickly formed a cooperative in his name, and made a deal with Americans by the cash of his native institute.

The money fell right from the sky. And Valera, who half his life lived in a pub, where fried potatoes for dinner were considered a delicacy, began to cheat them. Right and left. A new eight with a conveyor, shrimp, two-chassis sharp, panasonic telecast, leather jacket, and other attributes of a successful life.
The door of the room was not closed day or night. Endless friends sneaked there and there, the smoke stood in the spotlight, and all the time someone either ran into the bowl, or returned from the bowl with another portion of expensive strawberries and a foreign drink.

It all ended, thank God, when Zina appeared. Where she came from, nobody knew. Painted blonde of the breed that smells of other people's money by the body specially embedded in them, Zina quickly realized that Valer needs to be rescued. That is, you need to save money, of course, and Valer simply as a temporary owner. So soon they took off a separate apartment, scheduled, and began to live, live, and live well. And when Zina already had everything her imagination could come up with, she suddenly said, I want a dog!
Valera, of course, loved animals, but only in a well-cooked form.
Are you Korean? – he asked, but the joke did not go, and in the coming weekend they went to the Bird.

It is a rat! Valera said when Zina touched a strange bald creature with her finger.
You are a rat! Zina replied, and she was excited when the puppy, which she pressed to her rich chest, pulled her new coat.
This for a second reconciled Valer with the inevitability, but when the seller proclaimed Valer's price, he understood that the Gypsies at the Kiev station were just children against these livestock.

Despite the pronounced gender causes, the dog was named Dusai for some reason. In fact, of course, Dusi had a real, some long foreign hard-to-pronounce name, which was written in the genealogy. But the genealogy disappeared before it was read to the end. So he became a duo.

Money has an unpleasant ability to end up. When Valera’s money ended, he didn’t notice it. Because everyone around was easily and willing to give in debt. He noticed this only when they stopped giving in debt, but instead began to unconsciously demand it back.
But foreign investments at that time were already exhausted, Valer abandoned his job, following the principle "if drunkenness interferes with work, quit work", and there was simply no way to get new money.

Immediately after the money, capturing everything more or less valuable, Zina ended up. He died in an unknown direction. Then there went the shmidics, white eight, new furniture, refrigerator, and other joys of civilization. Many friends dissolved like in the fog.

When the representatives of the next creditor came, in the empty rented apartment were only Valera, a TV, and a strange bald creature named Dusya. Valera and Ducey were sitting on the floor and watching TV. There were two plates of peelings. Of one, Valera ate, the other stood next to him.
Gray the pellets! It was Valera Duce. You will not eat peelings, you will die.
But the duo in response only cried and scattered.

Yes to Valeria! We take the telephone! – said representatives of the lender, strong guys in sports costumes.
You do not take the telephone. said Valeria.
And the ass in the ass? Ask the young people.
At least two leaflets. said Valeria. But you will only take the telecast through my body.
We had no instructions about your body. One of the visitors said. But about your rat’s body, that’s a good idea.
You are a rat! said Valeria. Did you know that this rat is worth as much as ten TVs?
You are chasing! Che, is it serious?
Go to the bird, you will know.
and mayoo! So we’d better take the rat.
And take it! He suddenly shrugged Valer’s hand. I have nothing to feed him. And if he sees the petal, he refuses to eat. The habit of delicacies, shit!
While the guys caught Duşou slippery like a piece of soap on an empty apartment, he had time to chew a couple of fingers and tear off a couple of expensive sports costumes. But in the end, he was caught in a barrel, wrapped in a blanket, and the visitors, dirty mother of the damages received, fell away.

If life is striped, sooner or later the black strip is replaced with white. When Valera stopped pouring dark beer into his head, there was room for light thoughts. And soon he had already transported the goods and collected revenue from retail stores, and on the local market he had two of his points.
Only now Valera did not deal with the money. He folded them carefully paper to paper, and when the necessary amount was accumulated, he sat down in his old shuffle and went to the address known to him.

The door was opened by a guard. Behind a high, strong fence, in the middle of a spacious courtyard, there was a large mansion. Near the gate were two giant Caucasian shepherds. When they saw Valera, they stood up and threatened.
Go to me! A little frightened, as Valerie seemed, the guard shouted.
From wherever I went, a duck jumped out. He did not go to the guard, but to Valera.
I found out, the shit! Valera joyfully said when the dog jumped on his arms.
The shepherds, seeing how the Dush lies a stranger in the nose, immediately calmed down and lay back. And on the door of the mansion came the owner and joyfully stretched out his hands.
and Valerie! What fate?
The debt came to give and take the dog.
What is your debt, Valeria? How much time has passed! These days are like at war. War writes everything. There is no debt, forget. I will not give you the dog.
Why is this?
Why do you need a dog? You do not love them.
For the memory. said Valeria. “This dwarf creature is the only living creature that didn’t melt when I was a little bit of it. Done on viral.
Walker, take another one. A normal dog. Take a Caucasian. any one. Or let’s go for a bird and I’ll buy you any dog you choose.
It is not in concepts. said Valeria. “I owe you, you took a dog. It is in concepts. I repayed the debt, you don’t give the dog. It is disgraceful.
You have done it by concepts, not by concepts. What are we here, the bandits? Go home, I’ll tell you what.

They sat on the veranda, the master poured, and began the story.

“You know, when I started building this house, there was nothing, no field, and a bunch of building materials. Well, I hired a man, Serge, like a guard. He lived there all the time. He looked after the builders, the farm. A shorter man. Nude all the time. Buy me a dog. The times are ferocious, the people are hungry, everyone is just looking wherever they are. I wore it all, and here, throw it, the boys bring your soul. Well, I scratched him and threw him. touched the guy. You asked for a dog, here you have a dog. Siroha was of course offended, but Dusya so remained on the site. Where do I find his day? Then the building was really built. The tool, of iron there is something. And the serpent was given. Then I went to the breeding house, took two puppies, Caucasians. They talk in the courtyard.
Well?
- Well, then the construction ended, I moved to the house for a stay, and Seroga went to myself. He came from somewhere, I don’t even know the address. And when he left, it suddenly turned out that these dogs, the Caucasians, they do not perceive anyone other than the Seroges at all. He educated them in such a way that when he is not there, anyone on the site is the enemy. You can’t tell my mom you’re not able to. I understood?
I understood. I don’t know what my soul is about?
Are you stupid or are you crazy? Dogs are a room. The serpent was the main. Serena is gone. The main thing is the soul! Without them, they will eat them all! So either you take all three, or you take none. Otherwise, I would have to shoot the Caucasians. They do not listen to anyone but Him.

When Valera and his master went to the gate, a disgusting bald creature named Dusya ran in front of him on thin curved legs.
Envious of him, the Caucasians, lying at the gate, as a team stood up and gave way.

P.S All the readers of the site, its authors, and Dima - with another anniversary. All good and positive.

[ + 60 - ] Comment quote №157159
 10.11.2021
Regarding Kadyrov’s words, that he got him, that in everything they accuse the Caucasians... A familiar Tatar said: As long as you are a MAN, no one in Russia is interested in your nationality. As soon as it became a cattle, everyone immediately wondered whose cattle is it?

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №157158
 10.11.2021
I was five years old and it was the USSR. The woman in the store smiled at me and said, “Do you like my pants?” It had Czech crystal beams, I liked them endlessly, they played the sunlight. And I say to her, terrible! She changed her face and left. Sometimes children can’t formulate a thought. It meant “horribly liked.”

[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №157157
 10.11.2021
When I was a child, my brother and I stayed in the village for the summer. I am 6 years old, brother 8. We found two empty bottles of vodka and went to the store. In the store, we were given a bottle of lemonade and a bowl of bread instead of money. What my brother said for one bottle of lemonade and for the other. You say drink the first lemonade and eat half a bride and I will give your bottle and take a lemonade. I barely drank everything, he went to the store to change and went out with another bride.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №157156
 09.11.2021
Near my house, two bomziki - a woman and Yeny Khahal - settled on a garbage site, in a section for large-scale garbage. They pulled sofas, mattresses, blankets and telogreeks. They set up a household, set up a guard uber-dvornyagen. and what? In the morning, they get up at 6.00, do a cultural exercise in the surrounding bathrooms and reception points. Closer to noon they go to the elite store White & White, buy and taste the top quolite VSOP aperitif "Vodka Holiday", then eat. In the evening, all three sleep together with the dog in a hug. In the evening they sit, empty and overlooking the surroundings. Then they eat, take the digestive of the same top brand and quietly go to sleep. No loans, liabilities, utilities and uncle jobs. Always in the fresh air.



And the beauty!

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №157155
 09.11.2021
Mature women fall into bed.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №157154
 09.11.2021
I took here from my husband's flash to use it - my died, it seems.
I put it in the computer and open...
And now imagine what a range of feelings I experience at once, discovering among all the documents a FOLLOWER folder!
In preparation for a grand scandal, I open up.
No pictures - consistent texts, presentations and tables, all of a purely business nature.
I spent two hours analyzing the content, trying to figure out if there was anything else behind these dry numbers and charts!
I asked my husband tonight. It turned out that POTAKUŠKI - it is such a synchronization folder, that is, he folds files in it, which is needed between different computers!

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №157153
 09.11.2021
Those who handed over to the authorities five anti-vaccinators will receive a QR code without vaccination!

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №157152
 08.11.2021
The morale of the grandmother is hypocritical, she has in her closet for all occasions in life, hanging sweaters of different lengths.

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