bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №126153
 30.03.2016
Livsi: Citizens work well for the state, and the state protects, treats, teaches them.

Cadaver: I feel like citizens are venting the state with their work for how it protects, treats and teaches them, especially the guards, doctors and teachers.)

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №126152
 30.03.2016
I took the medical examination. In the hallway a crowd of people, in front of the door on the chair a very elderly woman. From the door comes the chairman of the commission, too, very years ago, recognized her. And with the phrase "Here I am on you today" I went back. Group members, as it turns out.

[ + 22 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №126151
 30.03.2016
It seems to me that the best role of the main character "Titanic" would have suited Adriano Celentano. He was confused with a rich girl, and in the end he would save himself, and drowned her.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №126150
 30.03.2016
Many have started appearing fitness bracelets at work.
So the plankton was pumped to the phytoplankton.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №126149
 30.03.2016
X: Something terrible is flying there, and I go to work.
In this case, good socks from OZK.
X: This is what?
X: Omsk factory of clothes?

[ + 32 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №126148
 30.03.2016
I called a taxi. While she clogged her shoes, closed the door, the taxi driver Anton Alexandrovich called twice to remind me that he was standing near the entrance. Late in the evening, a call from the same number again.

“Allo, Tatiana, this is Anton. I met you on a dating site. I call from the airport. I just returned from a trip. From Paris. Do you want to meet right now? We drink French wine.

“I’m not Tatiana,” I say, “the numbers are confused. You took me a taxi today.

- Oh, - confused taxi driver Anton Alexandrovich, - sorry, the mistake came out.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №126147
 30.03.2016
Today at work, one acquaintance said thoughtfully:

It turns out that, Patriotism, is a scientifically popular and not too offensive explanation of why We should live worse than They.

He quickly left the office. Something I worry about him.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №126146
 30.03.2016
And nothing that, according to the Christian canons, witchcraft, magic, guessing is sin?
What about those who are engaged in magic, were removed from the church, and sometimes burned on fireplaces?

and then! Good, all-forgiving Christians burned on the fires of competitors.)

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №126145
 30.03.2016
Windows... Very good that when connecting the phone to charge it switches all the active windows and asks what to do. But I know that almost everything can be arranged. I saw at the bottom of the dialog box a small inscription "choose the default action"Bingo! Click, I choose in front of the phone "do not perform any actions"- OK!
Now when the phone is connected, the screw still switches all the active windows and yes, nothing else is done. The handcuff.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №126144
 30.03.2016
What if I have specific tastes?
Xxx: I add cooked strawberries to the pizza...

[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №126143
 30.03.2016
The Russian Post has a time machine.
It comes to me "Notice". But somehow "secondary".
I went to the post. I searched for five minutes - no order letter. They said that "the postman has not yet returned to the postman". Why "secondary" - did not admit; and the first notification was not.
I arrived in 4 days. There was not.

He left his phone. The next morning they called: “We had a computer failure, this letter you received in 2015.”

[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №126142
 30.03.2016
Some spammers in the chat:

“Hello to you. You may be interested. We sell out the remaining hoodies. I have an inf on the wall. Write if anything, I will be happy to help, to suggest where you can measure and so on."

I: What is Hudi?

C: Pytes, switches, but only longer

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №126141
 30.03.2016
Husband of a goat.
He approaches with a very serious face and asks, “Do you definitely not want to accept Judaism?”
I thought that a job in the historic homeland was offered, and just opened my mouth to the respondent "Why do you crack?", as he continued: "You get very good at drinking all the water".

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №126140
 30.03.2016
My father sneezes like the devil. Some nights seem powerful, and when they come, it is almost impossible to wake up or stop it.

Once, when I was a small shit, my sleep was once again interrupted by a snoring that penetrated the brain, I got out of bed and decided to try to stop it. Having realized that such a strong sleep could not be interrupted by peaceful arrangements, I struck the snoring bat quite strongly, after which he, still asleep, gave a sound of awareness of pain and the snoring stopped. The next night I woke up again from snoring and immediately went to break the silence, because now I knew what to do. As I approached, I immediately struck the same as last night, but suddenly my father opened his eyes. This was the first time I got puzzles.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №126139
 30.03.2016
Coincidentally I met a parent’s family. In the morning, mom and dad collect the butter for work, the child turns around:
– Maaaam... Paaaap... I don’t want to go to the garden!
There are many stereotypical answers to this - "do not harm", "you are what, in the kindergarten is so interesting", "and here is a good girl Masha never capricious". But here the parents give out, without saying:
Nobody forces you to want it!

It is not necessary to complete all children's hotels. Respect them must be.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №126138
 30.03.2016
One day, an American named Larry Rutman threw a bumerang, which came back and hit him in the head. Larry sued himself for $300,000 in damages and won the case. The money for inflicting beating himself was paid by the insurance company, in which Larry was insured against such claims.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №126137
 30.03.2016
List of tariffs of the capital mobile operator. The first comments:

BlackD: You have no price in Russia. I am from Tallinn (Estonia). I have a package in Tele2 costs 8 euros. It includes free calls within the network, to other networks 1000 minutes + unlimited internet. There is no roaming inside the country.

I found something to compare. There is no roaming between North and South.

[ + 28 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №126136
 30.03.2016
Half a day, half a life, half a glass... Are you serious? Children, the floor is only in the rooms and in living beings. The floor is parquet, linoleum, flat, and also male and female.

Rules for words with "pol", meaning the number:

1st Sex + consistent is written without a gap: half a day, half a day, half a life, half a kilogram.

2nd Exception - half + l: half a liter, half a tablespoon, half a tape, half a lemon, half a sheet are written through the defect, because "l" and the quantity (half a liter - a bottle, not a quantity; half a liter - an adjective, not a quantity).

Three With a defiant we write if the root with the vocabulary or the own name: half-Arbuza, half-Arab, half-autumn, half-streets, half-Moscow, half-Addis Ababa, half-Muchosransk, half-Borovitska.

A funny story:

Half the first, half the second, half the third, half the fourth, half the fifth, but half the eleventh.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №126135
 30.03.2016
Rest with my husband. I lie down and I say to him:
“Arthur, you haven’t made a compliment for a long time!
He squeezed a little:
How did I not? I told you recently that you are clever!

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №126134
 30.03.2016
What does it mean when stupidity borders with stupidity?

This is when two neighbors are at war.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna