bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №154321
 28.05.2020
The path to defeat begins with the thought of one’s own invincibility.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №154319
 28.05.2020
Borders are closed, rallies and gatherings are prohibited, any travel except for work requires a special pass, pensioners die, and working pensioners can not be paid. Do you really think they’re going to look for a vaccine?

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №154318
 28.05.2020
At the end of the biographical films must show a photo of the prototype, so that everyone would understand how ugly he is compared to the actor.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №154317
 28.05.2020
On Saturday, there was a bold and, I am not afraid of this word, a professional robbery of our firm.

Audacious because the guard was fifty meters from the central office, and professional because two thieves (cams shot three, but one was on the road) in just seven minutes had time to silently expose the glass package, open the door of the box office, scrape the 70-kilogram seat in the concrete, pull it out the window, sink and hide in the car...

The speed and coherence of actions spoke about the fact that the thieves spent more than one day on training, every step was thought out, every little thing except one... on this day the cashier foolishly forgot to remove the safe all the daily revenue (a little more than a million rubles) and left it a row on the table under the folders...

Even a little bit of theft, so tried...

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №154316
 27.05.2020
Previously, I worked as an electrical assembler and came from the guard after a few days of rest, I started shabashing, first with acquaintances then when Avito appeared I had an announcement there about the urgent work of Electric. And a woman calls me and asks how much it will cost to change the lighthouse in the room. Started to find out what exactly the luster, that is, different, turned out to be a simple 5 rough, named the amount (I don't remember the exact amount but in the transfer for our money now) about 1500 rubles, the lady agrees and I take the tool with food expenditure to the address.

I was met by a normal woman, Hello, Go!



I went through, looked at the front of the work and in the runway, in five minutes removed the old one, 10 minutes took the assembly of a new one and 5 minutes to install it in place, even the perforator was not needed, the holes under the fittings were perfect. In total, taking into account the inspection and clarification of all cases, the dismantling and installation of the luster took 25 minutes.



I say: All the housewife take the job and show that everything is turned on and lights up and I am pleased that I quickly and without dust settled in half an hour.

Here a gentle woman gets 200 rubles and gives me with the words "My husband said that this job is no longer worth it and too much for 20 minutes of work, he doesn't earn so much."

Whose husband did not change it? And he works, he earns money, she replied.

I begin to explain that my knowledge of electricity, tools, consumables, transportation costs and wages, i.e. profits, and your 200 rubles are only transportation costs for gasoline, i.e. to go to you through the whole city. I also begin to say that I agreed for 1500 rubles with you and not with your husband and if you initially sounded the price of 200 rubles then I would not go to you, and you agreed, so please pay.

Here the woman began to scream like a heat-taking whistle, STRONG AND CONTRA, that we are all scammers and that we would only use them and exhaust ourselves from here.

I understand that it is useless to scream with her, I quietly stand on the board and take off a new luster. She stopped breathing, she stood dumb and quietly watched what I was doing, and I removed and disassembled the screws and hooks again and put it back into the box beneath her and silently try to leave. Here she woke up and let us say how they are now without light and that they need to be collected back and hanged. He replied to her: The work was done, you did not pay, what is the matter, now you need to do the work again, accordingly, the price increases twice, i.e. with you 3000 and right now otherwise I will not do anything.

So much dirt to his address never heard, eventually sent NACHER her and her sick head, then began calls from her and her husband with the demand to return to the place at least the old luster, but were also sent NACHER!



It turns out her husband works and earns money, and I fucking go pine!

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №154314
 27.05.2020
xxx: I remember being brought somewhere in my childhood (years 7) on a shale in the woods. I got out of the car, standing and thinking where to run. I see - in the bushes there is a beautiful green grass, flat such, only surrounded by grass, like bortices. Well, I think I will run there. I was going to jump over the grass right on that grass. What stopped a few steps from the grass, I don’t know. changed my mind somehow. She returned, told the adults about the "pollank", and they were so lazy, "A, it's a mud."



YYYY :

A minute of education. :D

As an inhabitant of the taiji, where such swamps are more than solid soil, I can tell an interesting thing. How the shake works.

The fact is that the whole mud is impregnated with natural gas bubbles to the depths. and methane. This is the result of the decomposition of the organic matter from which any mud actually consists. Remains of plants and insects. Even the turf itself (and such swamps are almost always turf) when decomposed releases gas.

So here. In a calm state, the gas bubbles are quietly at different depths, dissolved in water, attached to the remains of organic matter, and do not disturb anyone.

But it is worth getting into this dirt to the person as he begins to "destroy". From the vibrations, gas bubbles are released, crushed into larger balls, and, in fact, turn the water and dirt around the person into carbon. The dirt literally begins to “burn.” At the same time, it reduces the average density of the substance. Such a gas-rich dirt is much less dense, it literally becomes lighter than a person. And, according to Archimedes' law, a man drowns in it like a cast iron battery.

That’s why the first rule for a crashed person is not to move.

It doesn’t matter, quickly, slowly – any movement causes the separation of gas bubbles, and a complete loss of fluidity. Lie on your stomach straight, breathe lightly, shut down and wait for help.

To hope to be able to swim out, or escape by yourself, is the same as crossing a river with a band of bricks.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №154313
 27.05.2020
A worker is a person who prefers to work in his free time.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №154312
 27.05.2020
At the beginning of the century, Kolya moved to a new apartment and was happy. Comfortable planning, new micro-area, intelligent logistics. Everything is wonderful. It is a bit unusual to see rows of identical garages, which could only be distinguished by the number. Yes, in the old garage apartment everyone put himself, hence a variety of sizes and colour palette. And here? An incubator of something. But it could be survived, because the main thing in the garages is communication, and it just wasn’t. Knock, at best, when meeting, and it is not all and not always. Nicholas really missed his friends.
At that time the social networks were not yet developed and the garage brotherhood successfully replaced them. You could come here with any problems. Getting money before pay, asking for help. Immediately to decide was not possible - definitely someone had friends or acquaintances who could help. Repairs are done, friends are always there. Assemble, disassemble, break down any difficulty (well, almost). The tool – in the garage, like in Greece – has everything!
The usual weekend is when you come to the garage, pick up the hood (but you can’t get stuck) and go to the neighbor to discuss the news. Football, politics, wives, children – themes will always be found. Yes, men love to crack, well, what do you do here? And there are others pulling up, after fifty and life went more fun. Yes, sometimes you can relax. Who doesn’t drink? call me! No, I’m waiting for you!” But it is not necessary. Great friendly collective, regardless of the size of the garage and the brand of the car. Even a bicycle! And these are REAL friends that you all know personally, not some virtual ones. No one can have 500 friends. Friends yes, but friends not.
So Cole suffered. Hears a new joke-oh, in the evening I will tell the guys, and then recalls... A couple of times I did not stand and went to the guests, a little reassuring, but the grief still.
Cole has decided. The wife went to the maid for the weekend, nobody distracts from the thought. If you cannot overcome a problem, you must lead it. somehow so. There is mango, shampoo and wood. Buy and soak the meat, soak the refrigerator with various liquids. The opening of the garage season began on Saturday, closer to lunch. The wood has burned, you can cook a shishel. The mangal collie placed near the garage, not to notice.
Here’s the first “float”.
Hi my neighbor! Which celebration?
Well yes. The weekend. Join me!
I am now!
I came back in a few minutes with a bottle.
The Gene!
and Cole!
Five minutes later, Alexis’ vegetables were added. Then again, the emotions crossed the end. We left late, but everyone was happy. The social network “unitary” is created.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №154311
 27.05.2020
And let’s sing something to support artists who are in a difficult financial situation?

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №154310
 26.05.2020
Recently, a friend asked me about one of my brightest memories, when "the lion didn't go off the face." The most bright I did not remember from the course, but one moment I still remember very well.

In 9th grade we changed the teacher of physics, before that there was such an uncle with whores, who came, just dumb read the material and sometimes called to the board. After reading the theory, he sat down and did his business. Boring and incomprehensible. And behold, he went away, and a new teacher appeared, and he was quite young (years 23-24). Of course, everyone began to behave provocatively before him.

Despite his young age, he was the best physics teacher of all. He not only explained the material well, he was able to really interest. I even started reading the textbook not with difficulty, but it became really interesting. And my score from the former five (by 12 points) was 10-12, we even thought to go to the Olympics next year.

Unfortunately, closer to the middle of spring, he left for some reason, and we were replaced.

And then on the last call I saw him, and I went to say hello and just say thank you, for the fact that at least 1 year in school was memorable. I was so happy to see him that I asked him to embrace me. Instead, he raised me up and began to run around. At that moment I was so happy. And here I write this happiness and I really have a smile on my face).

I’m so glad I have such pleasant memories that make me feel good. and :)

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №154309
 26.05.2020
I go with my nephew (student), and touched the topic of how doctors and teachers earn. I explain that they are budgeters, where they get their salary, and unintentionally I notice that their salary is small.

Why do people work for budgets? Do they not know that they pay little? My nephew asked.

Why did you take it? I asked.

How is it! There are budget phones, budget machines - this means that they are cheap. So those who work in budget organizations will also be paid little.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №154308
 26.05.2020
I had a date. So I decided to build a bathroom. I was told that in a couple of hundred kilometers from the city, cuts to the bath are doing. Compared to the city – much cheaper and quality at the level. I ordered. After a while, they call: ready your cut, take it.

I came and looked at the product (class!), agreed with the accompanying car, loaded and went. We left at night, and in the morning we were already there. However, upon arrival, the driver with the partner refused to provide assistance in unloading, even for a fee. Well, where am I at 6 in the morning, outside the city, in the country, to find cargoes? Even annoyed.

Here I remembered one of my friends, Mitte. In the past, we served together at OMON. I then moved to another position, and Mitty is there. I think: why do they run there in the OMON without reason, and the rails pull? Help your former colleague. I call Mitte, by the voice it is clear that the man from the bodyness or recently finished walking. I briefly explain to him: I came to the country, brought a rubbish, I can't unload one, help is needed! At the end of the wire there is silence, apparently narrowly thinking brother after a walk. Then I hear, "All, don't call me on the phone anymore, wait, I'll be soon!"

Okay, it’s good that Mitchell is coming soon. But he stopped the conversation sharply. Strange somehow. I didn’t even bother, because as a fascist, I painted his problems early in the morning. I sat on the wing, waiting. I went to sleep with my partner in the truck.

A 30-40 minute later, through a fence from the forest side, he jumps to me at Mitja's land. All dusted and evaporated, like from the marching through the crossed terrain. He approaches me, hits a car with a bath in the body and asks, without greeting, “Well, where is the corpse?” I am in the “which body”? Mitya closes her eyes and says, “Well, what you need to unload and hide.”

It turns out, Mitya was a little confused with the word I used in the conversation "srub" and perceived it as "carcass". Pommelie, 6 a.m., the quality of the telephone connection... Having understood my request in his own way, he responded to a friend’s request for help and took a taxi to leave the city. A few kilometers before the dacha, he dropped a taxi, hid a pre-off phone and went through the woods, trying not to be noticed, ran to me.

We safely unloaded it. And then they drank beer all day and life.

It was then that I realized that I had real friends who were ready to carry ammunition and unload bodies without asking any questions. All the questions and then...

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №154307
 26.05.2020
For some reason, the confident and impartial “invisible hand of the market” promised to us has turned into a sweaty, greedy and stolen hand.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №154306
 26.05.2020
Problems

On Thursday, the boss held a meeting, the disbursement was arranged capital, the deadlines were delayed, the claim work was not established, the percentage of marriages increased, the quarterly premium is not to wait, if not eliminated. and etc.

We left the meeting, went out to the fresh air, we stood with a colleague, and he was somewhat dumb, silent, thoughtful.
I say:

- Max, don't worry you so, we will correct the situation now, the cause of the marriage has been identified, corrective measures are already being carried out, not for the first time, we will break. solve the problem.

He silenced and then said:
- You know, my wife and I go to the children's hospice on Saturdays, my wife is a volunteer, animator, and I do, help when there is time. Yesterday, my wife asked me to go with her after work. On Saturday we go on vacation.
They organized a children’s party, a theme party. At the end of the evening at the delivery of gifts, a boy, 7 years old, approaches Alena and asks:

Why did you come today, we thought you would come on Saturday?

On Saturday we can’t, we’re going on vacation.

Of course, for a long time?

for 2 weeks.

Long time, sorry

Why is?

I’m going to make a painting on Saturday, I’d like to give it to you.

You will give it after the holidays.

Two weeks long. I have an operation tomorrow, it’s fourth, I can’t wait for you. Oh I invented! I will give Svetlana Ivanovna, she will give you if anything.

The boy escaped. This boy has problems, and we have small difficulties at work in achieving the tasks.

The story was in December 2019, the boy was waiting, but now he is no longer. Maxim's painting at work, hanging on the wall, he says, not to forget what the real problems are.
The quarterly prize has never been awarded, and damn it.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №154305
 26.05.2020
If the president, after leaving the bunker, sees his shadow, the quarantine will last for another six weeks.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №154304
 26.05.2020
In the wave to say so. Grandma and granddaughter are waiting for guests from afar. There is also a grandmother, only with her granddaughter. The children have never met or communicated. On the eve of the arrival, the grandmother gives the grandson of ZU: "Maxim, behave well, share toys, and in general, when guests do not need to "pull the blanket on yourself." The child's eyes are rounded by horror: "I, what, should I sleep with her?“?”

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №154303
 26.05.2020
When I was a little boy, aged five to six, my dad and I went into the elevator, and our neighbor came in with us. Growth below 2 meters. The elevator runs, the usual uncomfortable silence, and here I say to Dad:

- Well, do you remember the quote "Uncle Stepa is a giant, golden eyebrows, in summer wearing a shirt and in winter trousers"?

Dad just stunned at his neighbor and became very thick red.

Then they told me what I was going to do at home. But the expression of the father’s face, when he seemed ready to give everything in the world just to fail through the earth, I still remember.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №154302
 26.05.2020
The manifestation of childish directness caught me in a semi-empty tram that took us home on a hot summer day.

At one of the stops in the transport appeared a couple of girls-representatives of the near abroad, each accompanied by two or three children.

When the seven sat down on the shops, the daughter carefully examined them and asked me a sacramental question:

Why are they black?

I asked again because I didn’t hear it, or if I was squeezed by surprise. The four-year-old boy repeated with a ringing voice:

Why are we white and they are black?? to

I started the ultra-tolerant talk that all people are different and the color of the skin, like the color of the eyes, can also be different. There are people who are black and even more white than us. What this affects is the country where people were born or their families and bla bla bla.

One of my moms started touching me. The shopper was uncomfortable. If I knew the cherry cake would come later.

My daughter asked me where black people came from and whites came from, and she seemed to be calm.

Already standing in the door, before leaving the tram, the daughter once again looked carefully at this companion and said:

How good that we are white, yes, Mom?

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №154301
 26.05.2020
When I was small, 5 years of age, my weakness was to find my mom’s cosmetics, use it as intended (not always) and run to my mom with screams: “Mom, am I beautiful? “The beautiful?” She smiled and replied, “Beautiful, beautiful... Just like a monkey!”

At the same time we visited my mother's brother and wife. One evening they were gathering for an event and, of course, the uncle’s wife marathoned before leaving. I sat next to and admired how my beloved aunt became so beautiful and dressed that at the end I could not stand and with all childish enthusiasm and tenderness cried, "Aunt Gula, you are so beautiful! As a monkey!”

It was only then that I learned that the monkey is a Tatar monkey.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №154300
 26.05.2020
My father had a walk by the grandmothers. As long as I remember, I have always flirted with women.

He and I used to go for a walk while his mother was cooking and cleaning up at home, and he couldn’t think of anything smarter than walking by his grandmothers, dragging me after him. Take a cup of tea and talk to a friend.

Probably he thought I was small, I didn’t think about anything and I didn’t understand anything. Partly it was. Well what? I was visited. Candy with sweets in front of me put, cartoons included - I am pleased.

And what they do there in the kitchen or in the neighboring room - I was not interested.

During the summer holidays, he also travelled with me several times. On the sea, in the sanatorium.

I remembered one episode very well.

I am 4-5 years old in the area. In the evening my father brought me to visit a woman. Not one to leave me is small.

They talked, they drank something. Very late already. I begin to fall asleep.

They decided to put me to sleep. Something in her room.

Sleep like that. I slept.

I woke up at night because of something, well, like any little child, in an unfamiliar environment, began to sneeze.

This woman came to me. and naked.

Even in the dark, but I knew it.

I was kissed somehow. I told something. Maybe a story. I no longer remember.

In the morning, I did not think about what happened. It disappeared before leaving the memory. The childhood though. So much interesting around.

He returned home from the sanatorium.

My father went to the store.

My mother asks. Where were they, where were they?

I tell: to the beach, to the zoo, to the cafe, to the park, to the movie, to my aunt.

Mother is surprised:

Which aunt?

I, absolutely, without a back-thinking thought, simply proclaim what remembers:

and naked.

It was an epic moment. My mother began to ask me about everything.

I tell you all honestly. What I remember, of course.

The scandal at home was serious. My mother drove my father out of the house. He explained for a long time, relying on the fact that I invented everything myself. I never confessed. Like convincing my mother.

She had a persistent belief that her father simply could not change her.

Of course, he did not take me anywhere else.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna