bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №158037
 17.05.2022
I go to bed after lunch at 14:30.

The Wife:

How much are you going to sleep? Will you go back to six?

“Natasha, here at least to sleep at three. Children can get up at any moment.

I slept. The woman wakes up with the words:

I told you to sleep until six.

Is it already six? I say demand.

No, now there are four.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №158036
 17.05.2022
A high-end joke is advantageously different from ordinary lovers to joke with blues of all shades.

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №158035
 17.05.2022
That was a long time ago, in Soviet times. I was then a student at the Military Flight School. At that time, all the students were in the military position at the school. In the rare dismissals to the city, I preferred to attend museums, theaters, concerts, because my father in my childhood struck me that a Soviet officer should be an intelligent and versatile developed person. At one of the dismissals in the city, I met Katie. I then came to a free lecture about the Bee Gees. The lecturer, when he saw me, squeezed a little, because he had not yet seen military students attend his lecture. I went in and sat down on a free spot with a beautiful girl I met. Listening to the lecture, I took her phone. He then invited her to a date at the local theatre. She has come. There were three more calls before the show. People came, dressed up and walked around the theater hall. I saw a piano in the hallway and invited Katya to take a walk with him. I came, opened the cover of the piano and played a couple of notes, the piano was set. I told Kat, if you want, I’ll play for you personally and now I’ll sing a song. Katya was upset and smiled guilty. I understood, she agreed. I sit down and start playing a song from the Beatles repertoire, Let it be. School lessons in the music school hands remembered. The bored people begin to approach and listen to the military student with interest, women begin to look at Katya with envy. Katie's face was dotted with dotted paint, she did not expect such attention to herself. I played and sang one song, then another. The public applauded. Then the third phone sounded and we went to see the show. But the further relationship we had with Katya did not work out, too she was stuck on her mother, and I needed an absolute free girl who could go with me on military service and through fire, water and copper tubes, which I eventually met.

[ + 16 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №158034
 17.05.2022
Ukraine would have won the Eurovision Song Contest 2022, even if it was represented by Zelensky playing the piano.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №158033
 16.05.2022
I work in resuscitation. Changes for 12 hours. Today is day. It is warm in May. The sunny day. Beautiful weather. The green grass. Flowers of chestnuts and strawberries.

The patient arrived. brought from the fire.

The room smelled shrimp!

How to complete this change now?

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №158032
 16.05.2022
We live in Peter. My mother brought meat home 10 years ago, she says she bought pork in a barrel on the corner. She washed, pulled off, said again, here are the bastards, washed with vinegar, and they said it was fresh! Well, they started to roast the strawberries, and they smell terribly. I came out of the room, smelled and said, “You, mother, what do you want to say, but at least it is a stinking pig, and the maximum... Leave the bowl.”

Then I ran to the barrel and asked, not a pig? The mentions are already there. That’s how we barely get Hannibal.

In general, I collected all this good together with pots and scissors and mints carried. How many people have eaten is unknown. It was very long ventilated, the mother green walked, the younger didn't tell anything.

Easy to get rid of, I can say.

Discussions about the split are welcomed

[ + 49 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №158031
 16.05.2022
Let’s change the subject and there will be no war! The apples bloom so beautiful!

The eggs and pears also flourish.

And what fog over the river floated in the morning, you would see.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №158030
 16.05.2022
Today she proved to her daughter that she has 11 fingers. Remember this joke? On the first hand we count the fingers from one to five, and on the second hand we count the fingers in the opposite order - from ten to six. Six plus five is eleven. My smart daughter is still sitting and counting. I do not understand...



Yyy: A ready-made horror script: Mom joked and "proved" to her daughter that she had 11 fingers on her arms. The picture is changing, Mom is bustling in the kitchen. There also comes the daughter with a bloody hand brush and stretches her mother something in a towel - there is a "surplus" finger. And my daughter says, “I just wanted to be normal.”

[ + 29 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №158029
 16.05.2022
Paranoia of Level 1:

“Have I locked the door to my apartment?”



Paranoia of Level 2:

“I closed the door. But can I trust myself?”

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №158028
 16.05.2022
It has been noted that if you often settle with enemies and argue with friends, then the enemies will not get rid of, and the friends will become less.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №158027
 16.05.2022
One day in the kindergarten, we were asked who our parents were working for. I remembered my dad — a nail seller (director of a methyl trading company). And my mom...? And then in my head came a picture from the book: "The driver drives the car." Well of course! Mom takes me to the garden, so the driver! At home, my mom laughed and said, “I’m not a driver, I’m a lawyer! If they ask you again, say so.” The next morning I told her, “My mom is a driver, but she asks me to say she’s a lawyer!”

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №158026
 16.05.2022
Character is when a man is not liked.
If you like it, it’s a sign of attention.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №158025
 15.05.2022
A bad reaction to alcohol is when a person drinks vodka but does not get drunk. The other reactions are considered acceptable.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №158024
 15.05.2022
My friends decided to marry me. Probably jealous of the independent life of a single man. With all my neglect, there were many acquaintances, but one thing I remembered. A cute girl without a higher education with a longing for a good life and three children from different men. We sit down, drink coffee, I try to quietly jump off after the above, thinking about how to get better off the sweaters. Then she said, “I hope you don’t have children. I will not accept other people’s children.” When I noticed that her children were foreign to me, she called me a pig and left, leaving my account and freedom.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №158023
 15.05.2022
Contemporary media has become SMRAD – means of mass advertising, agitation and disinformation.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №158022
 14.05.2022
I went to work by tram. For a couple of stops to the end point, the tram chatted and stopped, a little standing, the driver ran to the street, returned and the speaker reports, - dear passengers, the tram broke, please move to the next, tickets are kept. Well, okay, we fall out of the crowd and the next tram just arrives, everyone enters it, distributes around the salon, presents tickets and... we stand, the tram before us does not go, broke.

I walked to the end.

[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №158021
 14.05.2022
Everyone’s life beats, just a few.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №158020
 14.05.2022
I’ve been afraid of dogs all my life. I got married, my husband wanted a dog and I wanted a cat. I refused dogs and my husband refused cats because he didn’t like them. But once in the winter we returned from the guests and saw a dead puppy on the road. I don’t know what moved me, but I grabbed this baby and immediately started calling the 24-hour clinics. My husband was in shock, but he was quietly driving with me around the city. In two clinics said that the puppy is not a resident, and in the third took to bring him back to a full life. and healed! There was only a slight crumb and a frozen ear. The puppy grew up into a small ridiculous dog, earsome and thick, but modest and obedient, I loved him with all my heart, with pleasure go for a walk with him, run on the weekend in the park.
Late in the evening my husband called me and said he had found a dead cat. We went to the same clinic where the cat was rescued. He has a small jaw problem and also a frozen ear. The husband loves the cat, they roll on the couch together and watch football. I now penetrated into the dogs and my husband into the cats.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №158019
 14.05.2022
Russia is the only country in the world that is surrounded by the West from all sides of the world.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №158018
 13.05.2022
The cyclist who rides without a helmet knows the taste of all the insects in his region.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna