bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №150489
 11.06.2018
Is the Nostalgic Club here?

But he is not as before...

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №150488
 11.06.2018
Two years ago, I worked in a fire alarm company. The General won a tender for dismantling and installing in several kindergartens. He sent our brigade there. To be honest, I resisted for a long time, it was very hard for me to watch the children who were abandoned. But the boss sold, and we started the work. At first, the children were afraid of us, then used to and already helped, unfolded control blocks, wrecked wires, and we brought them anything delicious from the house for this, the educators did not object. It was even fun, fast friendship, but there was a moment when we needed to move to another object. The separation was not easy. Even my wife and I rushed to adopt one, but we were not given, because in the demands we needed our own apartment, and we only rented and had a newborn child.

In general, children are very cruel, and here, where there are no one who could fully give them their love and care, especially. And especially children are cruel to those who are not like everyone else. And one girl in one of the internships was exactly like that, red, red, like fire and all, all in the lights, straight, all the face wrapped. Obviously, the children attached to her and often offended her. Several times, I remember, I even talked about this topic with teachers, but the conversation was very cold.

Because her friends didn't go well with her, we quickly made friends with her. She was very curious, she wanted to know, “What kind of box is this? What are you doing with this plastic? Why do you have a screwdriver with a lamp? She had to explain everything thoroughly, otherwise she did not lag behind and asked to explain it in a new way. For this, sometimes in the morning, when she came to "help" us, in a joke, I called her Vaccination. “Here, the spark has come again.” She was terribly offended and red, becoming just fire. Then I came down from the stallion, knocked her on the shoulder and said I was joking. Then I picked up cookies or candy and cooked.

It was winter and I built them a hill in the yard, in the breaks between the work. I bought a few inflatable plugs and during the walk there was a whole agitation, everyone wanted to ride. And as to the evil on this hill, Prishekka broke her hand, a unsuccessful fall, and most likely one of the children pushed her, and the educators did not look after her. I remember that day I came home upset when I told my wife that they both separated. Thank goodness, everything went well and my hand quickly healed, but I did not see Prishpka again, because she was transferred to another corps, which was in another part of the city.

But this is not the end of the story, this story has a happy end. Not long ago, coming from another trip, I went to pick up my bone from the garden. As usual, I dress him in the dressing room and comes in, whoever you think, a stick! Oh, what a joy, she immediately recognized me, hugged me, say hello, Vladimir Andreevich. I too, how cold are you? And here mom goes in, you won’t believe, too, red-cutting and with swallows. We talked, I told everything, how and where, under what circumstances I met. We agreed to meet in the children’s park. It turned out to be unlikely to have them in the family all red and dad and mom and son and now Nastenka. They had a tragedy before that, got into an accident and the youngest daughter died. And when the sorrow became unbearable decided to adopt a child, came to the first internship and accidentally saw the Vaccine, it was like a thunderstorm in the clear sky. They adopted her without thinking and lived there for a year.

I hope we will continue to meet them. And they will be fine.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №150487
 11.06.2018
Five years ago, we lived in a private house. We had an old six (Vaz). Here came the moment when we purchased a second car in the family, but since a tranche was excavated on the site, there was only enough space for 1 new car, the sixth decided to leave behind the yard.



One day, I will drive a six, but literally in a few minutes it will swallow. The gasoline was zero. He wrote everything down to his illiteracy, dropped it out of the canister and went.



Literally a week later, the situation repeats, then it has become obvious that gasoline is melting. And the most offensive, the tank was filled in the evening, and in the morning all the gasoline was sucked out. And not just for us.



This situation was discovered by the grandfather, who stumbled, called them chacals and said that he would take revenge.



The tranche that had been excavated earlier had already been buried, so the sixth in the large number could be won. But the Father forbade to do so until the offended are punished (literally).



The grandfather disconnected all fuel highways and the pump from the six tank. He poured water into the boiler, diluted it all with salt and sugar, until it did not fall into precipitation. Then he added some chemical fertilizer for the plants, a little yellow colorant and finally gasoline for the smell. Waited a little, watched that the mixture is stable, does not foam, does not spit and does not try to burn.)))) Well, he poured it all into the tank, the car was forbidden to use.



The car stood for a week and a half, until in the morning they saw that the fish was hanging. They pulled out almost a full tank. Then the grandfather told me to push the car into the yard. The tank was removed, washed well and placed in place.



How do we know that karma has surpassed its heroes? A couple of days later, on our fence in the night, they wrote a yellow paint "Pida races" and struck something twisted a couple of times. Unfortunately, 2 leaves were damaged and had to be replaced, but the grandfather was pleased and personally replaced everything himself.



There was no more gasoline on our streets! :)

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №150486
 11.06.2018
The cost of travel on paid roads should not exceed the amount of the fine for excess speed on free roads.

[ + 42 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №150485
 11.06.2018
I write a story in some sort of sadness, again understanding that anecdote.ru is not for philosophy, reasoning and conclusions, but a type for rust, as many believe. But anyway, opening the site on "stories" you are waiting for, of course, life tricks, and again, individual negative lessons of other people teach you to find those tricks that you need to see in time and bypass the side.
So here...
For example I.
Former Special Forces Officer of the USSR.
After the collapse of the country - former mint (on retirement).
What it achieved. What I know and know...
But I understand that if before, after a parachute jump, I ran with the soldiers 45 kilometers and performed the task, and in the meltdown, when there was no OMON and SOBRA, I crashed into all the heavy, then now I do not lift anything heavier than cocktails of cognac, pen and mouse comp.
Heavily, I hope for communications and telephone calls, and I don't bore NEVER (a type of lawyer).
At 55 years old, I ride a small jeep home-work-store-home and back.
It is idyllic to me!!! to
Oh! I’ve been raising my son for 18 years and I’m not a borse!!! Not a border!! I’m going to kill you if you’re wrong!! As a condemned.
and here. I go with my son on the way home, a million times on the same route. This is a type of signal!! In the window of BMV swirls, swirls, and again, the fuck, the fuck!!! The fucking!! When will these mountains stop us from giving birth to Russians from these mountains? The cock!! Which king invented these villains to include in our country?! The fucking!! Live in your mountains!! by Aula! Shake at yourself! Stay in the parish!! All of us!!! to
They cut. In the middle of the road in 4 rows! Two black men come out. Why Why? The cock! Why Why? What can you tell me in Russian? That I’m a little gray, old and on a expensive car?
Here the shoulders are straight down from the understanding of sadness.
I went out with my son and went out each time. I am the one and the son of the other. They went well, they went to bed. There are 10 cars!! Young and old came, men and women (even) pulled us a little away. But I understand that the mountaineers got so much of them that even we started to get a lot of them.
So these blacks sat in the car and, with the gasping, with the cries of Allah Akbar-type silenced. And we, the man 20, stand and look at them.
I don’t want to be an extremist, a chauvinist, or whatever they call me. Oh shit, you catch up! And with them! and catch! Catch your underdog!
The Russian! Take a handball fight! Only this “Russian language” will understand everyone!

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №150484
 11.06.2018
How my parents taught me to be independent:
I come home and see a note:
Salad on the table.
The next time:
Salad in the pot on the plate, warm up.
and then:
Cakes in the refrigerator. and sware.
and then.
Salad in the store. Money on the table. Go, buy and cook.
The last note read:
Salad in the store. Money at work.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №150483
 10.06.2018
When looking at these legs it becomes not even interesting how a woman looks higher.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №150482
 10.06.2018
Defender Akhrik Socratesovich Zweiba, who played in his time in four national teams: the USSR, the CIS, Ukraine and Russia, tells the story.
Once my first coach Vladimir Astamurovich Shamba gathered in Moscow. There were no tickets. Friends promised to help, came with him to Adler airport. Drinking on the road. They decided to joke - instead of a Moscow flight, they boarded a plane that was heading to Arkhangelsk. Uncle Woo immediately fell asleep. He opened his eyes when he heard the stewardess’s voice: “In a few minutes we will land at the airport of the city of Arkhangelsk.” He descended from the trap, went to the post office, repelled the telegram: "I flew well. I often remember your mother.”

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №150481
 10.06.2018
And Vladimir Vladimirovich?
and yes.
Is it you?
It is me.
Is it really you?
Really I am.
And Putin?
And Putin?
Can I talk?
You speak.
All that I think?
and all.
All of it?
It is all.
Thanks to you!
Please please.
You listened to the short content of the broadcast "Direct Line with the President".

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №150480
 09.06.2018
The case was in the mid-1990s and I had a neighbor Andrew, 4 years older than me. Every day we played together in the courtyard, riding the great ones, generally doing what we could. One day, his parents bought him a dandelion. For the first month, I spent almost all my free time watching TV. Fortunately there was no limit. But a couple of months later I learned from Andrewha that his parents decided to move to a different city. The last day, before he left, I came to say goodbye to him. It was very sad to lose a friend. We shrugged each other’s hands and promised to write letters and keep in touch. And before I was about to leave, Andrewcha asked him to wait a few minutes and ran home. What I didn’t expect was to see him with Dendi in his hands and words:

Hold it! It is for your memory!

Every time I played dendy, I remembered my friend Andrew. This is neighborhood friendship.

R.s And I am still in contact with Andrew.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №150479
 09.06.2018
( by v. I don’t understand anything in the code. Jan doesn’t understand anything about the product. The only developer who understands is gone. And here we sit together, he says that the example should do this piece of code. I show him what theoretically this can be in the appendix...

You are just like detectives. Who is Holmes and who is Watson?

“Honestly, we’re only drawing to the Scotland Yard police for now, which Holmes treated with extreme contempt.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №150478
 09.06.2018
In our army, the senior man used the word “sexual” all the time and called everyone “gay.”

For example:

“Yes... you two gay guys have taken this box in your hands and sexually carry it in a cap.



YYY: Such jokes can talk about latent homosexuality.



XXX: I don’t know about homosexuality... but the pidoras was rare!

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №150477
 09.06.2018
The phrase “loans are taken by people who don’t have money” is correctly written as follows: “People who take loans don’t have money.”

[ + 47 - ] Comment quote №150476
 09.06.2018
Tatiana Isakovna saw a child standing on the second floor window.
He, pressing his nose to the glass, watched the children playing in the fields.
All the children were already taken out for a walk after a half-day, and this watched them out of the bedroom window.

Actually it was me.
I rarely slept in the “silent hour”, and that time the educators decided to punish me by locking me in the bedroom for a walk.
I went out on the window.
Tatiana Isakovna was leading her group for a walk when she saw me standing dangerously. She was terrified, spoke badly to my teacher, ran and took me to her group. and forever.

He was a man of decisions and actions.
A few years later we went to Moscow with her. In the electric. We are me and mom. Then we joined her and her family.
And here we went into the electric car, the doors were shaken, closing, with a slight push the composition touched, I began to look at the place near the window, when in the tambour people excitedly climbed, and outside a female scream was heard.
This woman didn’t have time to jump into the car. Half her coat clamped on the door, and now the electric car dragged her on the perron.

Someone in vain tried to open the door. And Tatiana Isakovna, scattering men and women, stumbled into the stop-kran in a tamper, threw off two such yellow pencil on it, and for these pencil turned the steering wheel. The electric stands up. The door opened.
We went into the car again.
I sat by the window and, not noticing the scattering landscapes, thought, “How does she know how to use a stop crane? Why did she stop the composition? How did she know what she was supposed to do right now and exactly that?”

Twenty years later, I came from Moscow.
It was day. The car is half empty.
I looked out the window and on the sides, paying attention to the young women.
Someone was standing with a wheelchair. Going out was.
Through the door window I could not see her, and I thought that when she came out, I would appreciate her figure through the car window.

The electricity stopped. The woman pushed her wheelchair to the exit. It did not appear on the peron.
She remained in the tambour. Obviously I was going out.
The driver said, “Be careful, the doors are closing.”
I realized that most likely the wheel of the wheel fell between the edge of the perron and the threshold of the wagon. and stuck. There was simply no other explanation.
In confirmation of my guess, a weak alarming and complaining scream was heard from the tambour.

No one in the car could see it. Perron was empty.
He moved through half the car to the stop-crack, and knocked down the red pen.
The passengers looked at me with round eyes.
And I jumped out into the paddle and saw that she was already on the paddle, nervously crying, and the wheelchair on the paddle next to her, and some man standing nearby, who apparently helped her.

In the car, nobody saw or understood anything. Can you imagine how surprised they looked at me?! to

If it wasn’t for Tatiana Isakovna’s deed, I’t have been able to break the stop-kran right now.
If I had guessed, I would not have decided.
This understanding came in childhood - there are situations when you cannot look back at others, but you need to decide and decide yourself.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №150475
 09.06.2018
Is the Nostalgic Club here?
But he is not as before...

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №150474
 08.06.2018
It happened yesterday in Spain, during a vacation with the family on the coast. Dinner at the hotel restaurant, everything included. The Swedish table. I’m standing in line to pick up fresh cut ananas. In front of me, a 40-year-old man puts himself in his plate. On the other side of the table where sweets are laid down, my daughter picked up different sweets. I see that she already has a plate full of candy, I say, "Have it already put on, you will be carrying over the edge." The man stood by my back and thought it was me. He turns to me and with his eyes like a cat from Shrek: “Sorry, friend, but the pineapples are very delicious.”

He explained that the call was not for him, but for his daughter. We broke together :)

The pineapples were really delicious, I ran for the supplement twice.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №150473
 08.06.2018
Everyone is happy about their career and business success stories. I will tell you about my file.

He worked in a dining room and went from cook to technician. I have a good relationship with the owner of the business, retirement age. There were great prospects to become his founder, and then e. o.

And here, I have a brilliant idea - to sell the products of the dining room in vending machines. I found special ones that could heat hot food containers on their own and leave cold salads. He told the director, he found out the cost of renting in the halls of several business centers, estimated the cost of this device, and decided to take the risk, buying, to begin with, one device.

So, they installed, they launched. We went to watch this evening and ate almost everything. It is success! Rapidly reimbursed, the director generally takes all the funds from the dining room budget, that is, even from the salary fund and buys several devices for all the money, while there are no niches of freedom and competitors. There are office centers without dining rooms. Start and wait.

The next morning, the driver returns with bad news—of all the devices very few bought lunch. Only the first one is 100% satisfied. Well, we don’t think people have tried the summer, the holiday season.

On the second day, in general, they stopped taking food, except for the leader - the first, you have to unload and throw away all unbought food every day, and there are a few boxes... We load at a minimum, we go with the director to watch - there are no cafes or dining rooms nearby, the people walk with boxes. They tried to buy themselves, the devices were glucose and did not accept many banknotes, or from the tenth time. We pin the service center, the appliances repair in a hurry, we wait further.

A few days have passed and the situation has not changed. Again, we check ourselves - it does not give the delivery, it glutes and hangs. Again, we are fighting with the waiters. A few more days pass.

We are selling in the first place! Just one day, straight to zero. And on the day of salary to employees... no money, not to hold for something - in a couple of days the purchase of raw materials for the needs of the dining room. Because of the holidays, the revenue of the dining room and so on zero, there are no banquets.

The salary day. Employees stand in line and declare - without money we simply won't work.

We cut off the delivery time of lunch to customers (the lion's share of profit, and competitors down, and we are so far from the ideal and often cut off).

One day, all our customers are refused delivery. The chef and I try to cook something personally, we don’t have time.

A few more days pass, some of the chefs have already resigned - near full of food with conditions not worse than ours, they take the staff immediately. Rental of equipment. We have to dismantle them all, take them to our warehouse, and try to sell them (not done).

It takes two weeks - we just work in the dining room, the turnover is only enough to maintain existence (we do not pay the rent to the dining room with a small budget. of arrangement). Here is the call:

Hey, did you put the food machine in that center? Where did they clean? I loved eating there! And breakfast and lunch, and for the whole family took for dinner!

So, it turns out that only one man ate to the ouri from our machine))

[ + 37 - ] [4 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №150472
 08.06.2018
In the morning program, we prepare a dessert.

- Melt a chocolate tile, add an explosive caramel (I hz what it is), put a strawberry on a spade, wrap it in chocolate. So that the chocolate freezes faster! Put it in the liquid nitrogen for a few seconds.

The final phrase is also amazing: - That's all, fast and delicious!



Looking around your kitchen, did not a thermos with liquid nitrogen collapse?

[ + 30 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №150471
 08.06.2018
Our chief Tatyana Anatolievna has no right ear. She was cut off in the 1990s when her husband tried to squeeze the business. Her husband was eventually killed, and her ear was cut off as a penalty for not wanting to hand over the company’s shares to the bandits. The company was eventually destroyed in the 2000s by checks and fines.

Because now she leads an entire department of 8 young girls, there are often conflicts and misunderstandings. Especially when very young accountants lack knowledge or this knowledge is questioned by Tatiana Anatolievna.

And this morning I am going past their office. Tatiana Anatolievna flies out, knocks at the door loudly, then opens again and screams to one of the subordinates: "Bl*d, Yulia! What a X you are carrying! ? to You have a higher education! I’d better have my ear cut off so I couldn’t hear it. “”

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №150470
 08.06.2018
I work in the same room with the guys who sell freon.

2 friends, known for more than 20 years decided to open a joint business, so they are working together.

There is a website with one phone number, and we posted an ad on Avito with another phone number.

Calling the main work number

Good morning, I want to buy from you 100 balloons of freon.

We only have 84 at the moment.

Give me a few hours and I’ll call you back.

It takes minutes 30-40 and the second number that was specified on Avito calls from this same number and offer us to buy 84 ballons at a price 2 times lower than wholesale.

At first, the scheme was not understood at all, but when they called back to the main number and said that they were ready to buy Freon, only he will need to be brought there and there and when the gazelle arrives, the money will be thrown on the card.

The essence of the divorce is the following, the scammer finds the seller and the buyer, when the gazelle with the goods comes to the buyer, then they call him and say that they would throw the money and start unloading, but in fact the seller does not even suspect that he just brought his goods which he is not going to sell below the market.

After the scheme became clear, the main number again calls the scammer and says that everything is ready, download the gazelle, as you arrive at the specified address, then call, the guys began to ask him for a prepayment for the car in the amount of 5000p, he answered for a very long time and said that on the spot we will solve all the issues, as a result dropped on the 2000p type card for the car)

Then he called us back to the second number and said, wait for the gazelle, it will be in 5-6 hours.

After 6 hours, we called him back and said that the gazelle has already arrived, the lucky man calls the second number and says that he would have dropped 310 000 r on the card because the gazelle is already worth it, and he can look at the goods.

Then we called back, thanked him for bringing us with such good suppliers and we bought the whole freon directly from them, though a little more expensive than we had agreed on the phone with the scammer.

If you knew that he started speaking there, and that we were pydors, and the statement runs on us, and that so people don’t work, and in general he wanted the best but in the end we dropped him...

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna