He enters the night in the duty of challenges. On the phone, you can directly hear how the mother in despair brushes her hands and rubs her hair. She says, she said, her daughter is missing, her dear little girl.

The guard begins with one hand to record the call, with the other hand to give instructions on raising everyone on the alarm for the care of the minor, with the third hand to pick up the phone of the person in charge of the city, the fourth...

“The daughter has come,” says the mother, “has left the dog and has gone somewhere at night, and does not answer the phone calls.

“Where,” the officer asked, “have you come from?

So she walked out of her apartment, they lived in a row, smashed the dog and went to his business. He says to walk.

The official image begins to fade.

How do you say from your apartment? Do you live separately?

My mother answers, she lives with her husband. And with the dog.

In the duty apopee-apopheosis, with one hand cancels the alarm for the care of the child, with the other hand calls the number of the person responsible for the city, the third... In any case, sends the investigative-operative group to the challenge.

As a result, we have a lady who, under the pretext of walking with a dog, left the faithful to rest at home. The dog, after the passage of necessity, dropped on the way of the mother and with a calm soul went to the lover.

At first, actually removed from the man, the lady angrily whispered to the police officers who arrived. Later, upon the arrival of the mother, husband and dog, it calms down. Through tears and tears we take the explanations from everyone and go to wait for further exits.

There was no morality, total immorality and adultery.

The famous German pathologist Rudolf Virchow was once asked what is the difference between the professions of a doctor and a lawyer. He immediately replied, “Doctors have less income. In fact, lawyers receive honorary, both from the living and from the dead, and doctors only from the living.

*** by

The Exam - 1

One day, at the exam, Virchow asked the student to list various funds. He began to list various means, but Virchow was all dissatisfied with the answers, arguing that all this may not help. Then the student burned:

“In that case, Mr. Professor, I have only one thing left: send the patient to you for an examination.”

*** by

The Exam – 2

Virchow asked the student what to do with acute pain in the kidneys. He responded quickly:

“First of all, to relieve the pain, I would give him morphine.”

Virchow replied to him: “Excellent! What is the dose?”

The student said, “Polgram...”

Virchow continued, “And what will you do with the corpse?”

P.S. By the way, the favorite question of our rector at the pharmacology exams.

*** by

The Exam - 3

Virchow loved to ask unexpected questions at exams. One student asked:

“Where am I going to get if I open this place with a knife?” – is

He touched the student’s chest. He calmly replied:

“In jail, Sir Professor.”

*** by

The Exam - 4

One of the students, Virchov asked, "What would you do if you were addressed with a twisted jaw?"

He thought a little and replied, "Sometimes a good result gives an unexpected and strong blow to the twisted jaw."

Virchow continued, “And what are you going to do next?”

The student replied, “Then I’ll move a little away so I don’t get a response.”

*** by

One day a young man came to Virchov who wanted to be his assistant:

“Mr Professor! I’ve been told you’re a rough jerk, but I’m so interested in your research that I’m ready to be a little bit of a jerk next to that jerk!”

Virchow cried, and then said, "Your words testify to the great courage that is needed in our profession. I will take you as a helper.”

I will tell the story of myself, why I have not left anything anywhere since then. It was in 1993, a week later, the issue, and I, a young junior lieutenant of the medical service, are drawing up a container on the Tomsk-Chernyakhovsk (Kaliningrad region) route. At the time, the passes were not given directly, the Union disintegrated recently, and I received a bunch of them: Tomsk-Red, Red-Gudogai, Gudogai-Nesterov, Nesterov-Chernyakhovsk, Lithuanian, Belarusian and Russian sides. At 9 o’clock, I come to the customs, I start the turnaround procedure, then, yes... A truck with a crane and a container on the platform has already arrived, stands. While running - lunch, at 13.00, but we had it all, there was only a signature and a stamp. The customs officer says, leave, say, documents with me, after lunch come. I’m happy, I’m coming at four o’clock and he’s not there. I say where? And you know, he went on a business trip to Novosibirsk, colleagues answer. I sat down on my ass and thought the train is leaving tomorrow, fuck me! Documents in the safe, this shit in Novosibirsk, what to do?! In general, with tremendous effort, filling my way with chocolate and champagne, I rearranged, but since then I have never left anything even for a minute. So far, the rule has not failed.

Lendrover - wood supplier in the Leningrad region

Juha

This story was told to me by an Armenian friend. It began at the cemetery. There are hundreds of tombstones with different dates of birth and one date of death. Seventh December of a thousand nine hundred eighty-eighth year, when a furious element destroyed the city in a few seconds.

Among all these tombs decorated according to all the customs of people, there is one without a cross, a star or a photo. There is no name on it, only the name "Jude". Once a week, two people come to her: a silent man of forty with a wealth of whiskers and a young woman, whom the companion calls Mowgli. A friend managed to talk to the couple and in the nearest cafe they told who Zhouja was.

The dog was called the garden dog. Nobody's house, with a pretty bad character. She did not touch the inhabitants of the yard, but could easily pull a guest for the caviar. Of course, swinging in front of this tail so that the person relaxed and turned away. Give Zhouzh at least external beauty and exterior, maybe someone took it for themselves. But the dog was like an eternal barrel, with tearful eyes and cracks of shaved wool.

Zhouji's main occupation was crawling, digging in the laundry and attracting crowds of fans, of the same unrepresentable appearance. She brought the puppies in the basement and while they were there, even the rough sanitary workers were afraid to go down there. The only ones that Zhouja never touched, although she could have crushed, were children. When the little girl had completely taken care of the dog, she cried and went to the basement.

The Saryan family lived on the first floor of a panel nine-story building. Mother, father and children: 10-year-old Ruben and one-year-old Lala. The boy always tried to pull something from the table and feed Zhou. It seemed right to him. However, she did not suffer from hunger and cried contemptuously for bread. Although the chicken bones, fish or catlet was not refused.

Lala's mother walked in a wheelchair and did not approach the dog, although the girl pulled her fingers. The perception of the interesting in children and adults is fundamentally different.

At the end of the autumn, Zhouja managed to bring the puppies and appeared in the yard only in search of something to eat. The winter of that year was rarely cold and early, so the dog spent more time in the basement under the heating pipes, licking out the puppies and thinking about their difficult dog thoughts.

On the 6th of December, she fell asleep, feeling bad. But people, as usual, did not pay attention to the courtyard. If you do not consider the attention of the wound of the yardman and the land thrown into it. And on the 7th of December the earth herself went mad of hatred for the living. The panel house formed like a pyramid of domino bones. The dog noticed in panic, but the outlet was blocked by a fallen plate. Another fragment of the second cut off the screaming of frightened puppies.

One plate fell. There was a desperately rising stump — a child. The dog rushed to him and pulled the cockroaches into a distant corner across the door. Either this is luck, or the dogs know much more than we think, but just that corner has stood. The cover did not collapse. Lila, and that was she, was crying out of fear. Zhouja laid it on the wattlet abandoned by some of the builders and clung to her. The dog’s warm body warmed and calmed the child. They began to wait. Not understanding exactly what.

Fortunately, there was water in the basement, a thin jet it flowed from a broken heating radiator. The dog fed the baby with its milk. After all, let it be a strange puppy, but it is a puppy and it needs to be fed and cared for.

They spent four days under the dam. When Zhuja heard human voices, she swung. How could she explain that it was yours? It is not the dog that must be saved, but the man. The rescuers heard and regretted the dog, but they did not have to choose between saving people or the dog. Zhouja felt that people would soon leave and did something she had never done in her life – bit Lala slightly.

He heard a child’s cry. And they succeeded. At first, without understanding, they wanted to kill the dog. Zhouja was so weary of hunger that she could not even resist. She saved the puppy.

Rustam jumped past the rescuers, the boy was on the street during the earthquake and therefore did not die. He thought he was left alone in the white. My sister survived. The guy realized that she had made a courtyard, and covered it with himself. So a dog appeared in the Saryan family. Grandmother and grandfather welcomed Zhao. She had to go through an unpleasant procedure of washing and haircuting.

Zhuja lived in their family for another twelve years. And when she died, her conscience did not allow her brother and sister to just bury her in the desert. Even if not by all the rules, but Zhou was buried at the cemetery and who will say that she defiles this holy land?

by Roman Udarcev

A five-year-old boy reads a tale about the king.
I want five wives too. One will cook, the other will sing, the third will bathe me.
And one will put you to sleep.
I will always sleep with you!
My mother’s eyes were filled with tears.
May God bless you, my son! But who will sleep with your five wives?
Sleep with Daddy!
Dad’s eyes were filled with tears.
May God bless you, son.

My younger sister loves taking my stuff out of my room, and my girlfriend loves BDSM. One day, the sister found the bracelets and asked where they came from. I said that I worked a little in the police, talk from there and stay. She didn’t believe it and tried to find out from her parents. They sat on the couch and even without changing their faces said it was true. The psychic of the younger is preserved, but my parents now call me a sergeant from time to time.

Now at work passing by the mother with the child, who came out of the session in the cinema, where they showed a cartoon, the edge of the ear heard as a mother asks a question to the son, said what this cartoon teaches him, and then I remembered the case, which laid in me the first concept of films, to be precise foreign fighters, which I would like to share.



I was 9 or 10 years old and I had a friend, let’s call him Dima. And as it was, Dima and I fought a lot, the matter almost came to a fight. Dimon catches a healthy stick, stumbles at me and here in my head there are scenes from the movie, such frequent in the militants of the time when two friends become enemies there is a battle and when one friend directs a gun on the other, he stands up and looking him in the eyes says, say let's shoot his friend and after these words the second throws a gun, they embrace, all well, happy end and the end of the film.



And this is the moment in my life, Dymon shakes at me, I get closer, I look in my eyes and I say, please, hit my best friend. Apparently Dimon didn’t like the movies, or didn’t watch these movies, but after my epic phrase, as I thought at the time, he grabbed me a little bit with a stick on the bush, scratching my head to the blood. At that moment, I realized that you don’t have to believe everything that’s being shown on TV, no matter how epic it may look.

Electric to Chelyabinsk. A man walks in the car with a cardboard on his neck: "Help the deaf." In his hands carries a basket with all kinds of stuff, when buying any item - a print with the alphabet of the dumb as a gift.

How much is the alphabet worth? - asks one of the passengers and sharply embarrassed, remembering the inscription on the tablet.



- Five rubles, - without a shadow of embarrassment, he answers the deaf, takes the money and goes on.

I don’t like summer, it ends too quickly.

The Doll (a very sad story)

I want to tell you the story of a little girl from not the most deaf Siberian village. She was conceived and born in a legal marriage, but never saw her father: he was taken by another woman while the mother and the newborn were still in the nursery. Three years later, the girl's mother married again, and the girl fully experienced what it means to be an unborn child. Her mother-in-law always treated her as an illegitimate. However, this word does not convey all the contempt, contempt, humiliation that fell on the part of the girl. There is such an old word: fool. Here it describes much better the attitude of the surrounding adults to the little girl: she was a bastard.

When she was five years old, she was obliged to go to the store for bread. She was given 10 rubles of "old" money to buy four breads of bread. Do you know what the store was in those years? One saleswoman traded everything: cider boots and cheese, blades and bread, nails and fucks. There was a miracle in the store. It was the greatest beautiful puppet schoolgirl Tanya. The little girl had a spirit. Since then, every time she came for bread, she stopped at the board with the doll and, holding her breath, looked at this miracle. One day, the girl looked at the doll longer than usual. The seller noticed her and asked, “What do you do, girl?” and then the little girl stretched the seller’s “ten” pressed in her fist and almost silently whispered, “Doll.” On the way home, the girl stopped several times, carefully placed the box on the ground, opened the lid and admired her treasure. The mother of the girl saw her out of the window and understood it. She came out of the cellar, without a word, took the doll and took it back to the store. This is how the huge light childhood happiness in an instant turned into a little black sorrow, sowed in the heart a small burning piece for a lifetime.

My wife told me this story several times. And every time she ended, she said, “I’ve never had a doll in my life since then.”

I’ve long wanted to correct the injustice, but the search for the most beautiful doll lasted for years. I finally found her. The most damaging, but such a sweet face struck me with innocent eyes from the computer screen and it seemed that she was about to say, "It's not me that put the button on the chair." Of course, this doll is not very similar to that Tanya doll from a distant childhood, but we have changed a bit since then. I gave my wife a doll on the eve of our 40th anniversary, the ruby wedding. She rejoiced like a child, and did not let the doll out of her hands all day, as if she was afraid that the dream would pass, and the little girl someone will take her doll again. Don’t be afraid, this doll will be with you forever.

The victims of the Assad regime’s chemistry in Douma have resurrected. Scorpions are resurrected. Babchenko has risen. It is just a celebration of life.

My father told. History of Soviet life.

I went to a cafe with friends. I decided to take 100 grams of cognac. Their five. They approach the “stand”.

The first ordered 100 grams of "black tail".

The bartender opens a new bottle, pouring into a measuring glass of cognac. It measures 100 ml. Stir into a glass.

This is repeated with each of the five. The last man sees that after the bartender measured 100 ml in the measuring container, there was another 2 cm of cognac left in the bottle.

Is it how?

“Somehow,” replied the bartender and removed the bottle from his eyes.

At the age of 30 - or sport, or vodka and dishonor
At the age of 40 - or vodka or scratch
After 50 years, there is no alternative to vodka.

Do you speak English?

They say that in America, the police are starting to shoot. I do not agree. And here is why. I have a friend of Pete. And he has a wife, Mila, whom everyone calls Mila-Pila. When this Petya came to America with his Pila, he bought a car before he learned English. And then I invite them to me for a vacation. I explain in pure Russian: "Peta, you go out on the 280th, it goes on the 80th, on the 284th exit you go out and call me, I pick you up." And I add, “Always focus on the sign ‘Remove’. If anyone has not understood, this is a landscape.
Where Petya moved on 287 and went in the opposite direction - to the south, I didn't understand, but now it doesn't matter. And here he goes and goes, he goes and goes, and there are no “Pokono” signs.
Two hours later, his Mila turns on her pile: "How could you not take the card? How could I not know where to go? How could I contact such an idiot? “God, how could I get into that?”
Then Petya thinks, "We need to go faster, because at this speed it will disperse me before we get to these Pokono."
He presses the gas and drives for five minutes – no more, because a mint appears behind him with its light music and demands to stop. Petya, a new immigrant with old habits, grabs his wallet and runs to the mint. He calmly gets his gun and says that if Petya doesn’t sit back in his car now, he will kill him.
Petya not so much by words, as by gestures, understands that they are not joking with him and returns to his car.
Mint hides a gun, comes out of the car, approaches Petty and says, “Give me your driver’s license” and points to the wallet. Petya again understands everything in her own way and gets $100 from her wallet. Mint says to him, “If you intend to give me not a driver’s license, but a bribe at work, then I’ll put these bracelets on you.” He shows him his handcuffs.
Mila, who also doesn’t understand why Mint refuses $100, asks, “Pete, what does he want from you?”
Peter replied, “I don’t know. Can I give him 200?”
Mila says, “My God, why did I contact such an idiot? If you don’t know how much it costs, find out with him.”
“Why am I an idiot? Pete is surprised again. “Just when they show me that gun or handcuffs, I’m a little nervous.”
“So stop being nervous and find out!” says Mila.
“Okay, I’ll find out now! – says Petya, then turns to the mint and, as he was taught in English courses, says, “Hello, do you speak English?”
Mint surprised: “Do you have a spike English?“!”
Peter said to him, “Yes, yo! Do you speak English?”
Mint is completely confused because he doesn’t know any other languages besides English.
Mila says, “I think he’s just as stupid as you are! Oh my God, how I went into it!”
Ment, meanwhile, recovers, hides a gun and says to Pete:
“Okay, where do you go, dude?”
“I’m Petya,” replies Petya, as he was taught at the courses. What is your name?”
Mint, without answering Pete’s question, takes his phone, looks at the last number he was calling and calls me.
“Hello,” he says, “I’m a police officer, you don’t know Petya by chance?”
I honestly say that Petya is well known to me, and since I was a child.
“That is wonderful! Mente says. “Then answer me this question: Does your friend suffer from any mental illness?”
I answer, say no, it does not suffer. “Maybe he recently suffered some serious psychological trauma?” continues Mente.
“Petta suffered a severe psychological trauma 30 years ago when he married the woman who is now sitting on his right. But judging by the fact that he has not suffocated her yet, he is in excellent psychological shape.”
“I understand it like no one else,” Mente thinks.
“He just didn’t have time to learn English yet,” I add. “Here are all the problems.”
“So where are you waiting for him?” asks Mint, and I explain where.
And then Mint stands in front of Petina's car and carries him with a flash a hundred miles to the 284th exit, where he passes it to me, as they say, from hand to hand.
Already in the country, I explain to Pete that we in America with mints need to be more careful, because they can be shot on the spot.
“I say he’s an idiot,” says Mila.
“Why?” I do not understand.
"Because no intelligent person will travel 100 miles to help a pet like mine if he can shoot him on the spot and not have that headache!"

At the Vexelbergs with deripasks, they are oppressed by Americans. And the offended immediately rushed to swear aid from the state. Strange... For some reason we don’t hear the indulgence “Money is not, but you stick.” Wishing you a good mood...

I remembered when I once talked. As a lieutenant of the armed forces, I often communicated with one major in service, I was 23 to 43. Ordinary fat, bald, major in glasses. On one of the evenings at the airfield, he showed photos from his tablet, leaving the next one - on the screen appeared a slender girl, light long hair, slim legs in shorts, a snow-white smile, the shortest airplane. I ask :

Who is this?

How who? My daughter too.

Here a joke flashes my head, about the fact that he is a fat man in his glasses, and she is a model, I say the following:

My daughter, I didn’t look at you.

He already swung his eyebrows so strongly that the folds formed from the eyebrows to the back of the neck:

In other words, not me?! to

The joke burned, I wanted to fall under the ground, but my mouth said:

She has long hair.

Major laughed, and I exhaled, since then I have tried not to joke about the appearance of others.