The guards stopped in the morning. Check the docks. As if they were asking:

Q: Did you use it yesterday?

I : No.

Why is the face red?

I: You see, I’m a non-drinker, so I’m ashamed that I don’t meet your expectations.



Purchased and released.

At the next table a little girl cried and cried very loudly, the parents had zero reaction. She returned with the phrase, “Why are you crying, you want me to be your mom, I and your dad liked it.”

I’ve never seen the kids calm up and leave the cafe so quickly.)

And another story, which I heard as real: one man rented a house to tourists in North Transvaal, and he lived in Pretoria.

One day, neither light nor dawn, his mobile phone was called by other guests, Americans, and with a panic voice began to ask for advice, what to do - in the bathroom! As it turns out, it was a big varan.

The man, cursing about himself "these dumb people from the stone jungle," advised to drive out the squabber's donkey and fell down to sleep further.

But he failed: the guests called again. “The caterpillar has taken the swab from us, what should we do now? “!”

They say “reform,” we mean “they will steal.”

In 1955, the first secretary of the Central Committee of the CPSU Nikita Sergeevich Khrushchev during a trip to the country visited his native village of Kalinovka in the Kursk region. By this time, in honor of the outstanding landlord, the local collage named Chkalov was renamed the collage named Khrushchev.

By the arrival of the renowned guest, the village, with the support of the district committee of the party, was thoroughly prepared - the tables were broken from drinks and snacks. Khrushchev recognized his relatives and friends, whom he had not seen for 20, 30, 40 years. The dinner continued until the deep evening. Friends of childhood approached the head of the country, talked about what they lived, asked for something. The helper of Khrushchev only had time to write: “Bring a shiffer, nails, cement...”

Conducting Khrushchev to the car, Nikanor Krotov, a childhood friend with whom they grazed livestock, and now the chairman of the farm, spotted the departing guest with a protective bass:
“You Nikita, don’t worry. behave with dignity. Do not let the loops go down. Work honestly for the good of the people and remember – YOU HAVE THE NAME OF OUR COLHOSE!”

Dear U.S. Senators, please include equipment for the production of borderstone on the sanctions list. thank you.

The Major asks:

and washed?

and washed.

He, feeling insecure in my voice, clarifies:

Fuck the laundry?

And here from the whole list of words that ran before me, I chose:

With moderation...

Oh, how many times did he fuck me this “moderate.”

There was an interesting situation with the bubble today.

I always take it for tea, it always cost 10 rubles. I decided to buy two today. I took 20 rubles and went for a bucket. They knock in the box and say:

It is 21 rubles.

I am such:

Eeee what? He was always 10.

I took the money precisely so that there was no temptation to buy something else, therefore, I did not have too much ruble. The bucket was worth 10. 90 and copies are always rounded.

Okay, let’s get one, I say.

The cashier calls that type:

Zinnah, do the cancellation.

Comes "Zina" conducts the cancellation, they knock me through a bucket, I give 10 rubles, I get a bucket and a check. And here I am:

Now you can break another one.

The eyes that looked at me will not be forgotten for long. I am pleased with the two bats.

The paradox is that a former criminal is doing honest business.

An interesting arithmetic for future doctors.

Now is the time of entering the universities. I decided to look at what happened with my admission to my native First Honey, from the walls of which 20 years ago I came out as a young and enthusiastic doctor. The course remains the same – 300 people. Do you know how much budget there is? You’ll never guess, I’d never believe it. That is 10% of all.

Do you know how much you want to do in those 30 places? You can’t guess 3000. Here’s how many young people who want to help people can’t do that, because not everyone has 200 thousand a year for 6 years.
And it is not necessary to say that there is a maternity capital, and in Western countries pay much more, etc. and etc. A doctor in Europe or America knows that after graduating from the university he will receive a decent salary, which will quickly repay the cost of training. And our doctor knows for sure that a good salary will be considered 1 (one) thousand dollars per course, and give god that the course does not throw out a fort like in 1998.

Doctors, teachers... an eternal theme. In our God-saved country, those who sincerely want to teach and treat for the money that our dearly beloved government wants to pay them, this very government should bow down and kiss hands, and not fall into the pocket at any opportunity. But to close the majority of district hospitals across Russia and fill the road with purchased equipment on which no one can work, a couple of exemplary institutions are much easier. And call it modernization, optimization and innovation.

Once again, I ask a question that has already filled me: how do the rulers wake up in the morning and look in the mirror? Who do they see there? Where do they find the strength and determination to steal and lie so wretchedly?

Some people continue to naively think that they never buy or eat outdated foods.

Every government would be fine if it weren’t for the people.

A 17-year-old brother late in the night, drunk in the sludge, was pulled home by the police. The father helped bring him to bed, the mother talked to the authorities, signed some papers. He was laid in bed, divided, and laid to sleep. In the morning, a beginner alcoholic came into my room, carefully woke up and asked if his parents noticed yesterday that he came a little drunk.

The palindrome "A rose fell on the lap of the Azores" is known to everyone, but "Hole the old man's ass" - only in the Pension Fund of the Russian Federation.

Do not demand too much from yourself. Thus, those who wanted to demand the line was established.

Higher Pilot Actors

We walk in the park, dinner, people are very few.
In the sky, hairstyles wind, catch their sharp dinner - a careless mosquito, committing crazy piruets of unbeatable as pilots.
Suddenly, a bird with an unnaturally twisted wing falls at our feet, literally in half a meter. I take her in my arms, she does not resist, does not feed, and does not break out! He looks trustworthy, simple. He breathes hard, shakes - probably a broken wing hurts.
We rescuers felt so successful in the right place, at the right time!
I feel like Dr. Ibolit. The wild bird is not afraid of me. We will cure and care! How well, how untoldly lucky the bird that we passed here, picked up, and if she died, wild cats would eat...
Then the little girl saw something brilliant under her wing. Something strange, up to a centimeter in diameter. Where do the birds come from? I pulled her off with a stick - it turned out to be a clover.
And the bird on the palm is like unconscious, the eyes are shaken, the wings are somewhat theatrically hanging. Then I saw the second tick, pulled it out.
After this, the haircut suddenly met, revived with the body, aroused with the spirit and flew away, without even saying goodbye, without kissing! The whole wing!
We were immediately confused by the miraculous healing.
Surprisingly, the trick was absolutely not injured. With a good play, the little virtuoso asked for help.

I brought a serum of truth. Now we will know how you really treat me.
How you are angry with me! Typical man, you can’t do anything in life! I hate you! I have been sleeping with my neighbor for six months.
You have to drink it first...

My grandmother was a thin little girl in her youth. She was very afraid of heights. But one day I decided to ride on the wheel of observation, overcoming fear. I paid for the ticket. In the first round, she realized that she was dying of fear and reluctantly tried to get out when the cabin was down. But at the attraction worked a healthy aunt "seven for eight-eight for seven", who replied to the attempts of the girl to go out "for three rounds of time! " I pushed her back. This was repeated after the second round.

The time was Soviet, whether the aunt worried that there would be an attempt to return the money, or if she simply thought that once such an order, then there is nothing to violate it...

Love of the Fatherland in small doses is medicine, in large doses is poison.

This story was told by a familiar doctor, I only tell as I can. Once it happened that we love in the country after a bath, under a cocktail, bikes to get in good company. This time we talked about miraculous salvations, I told you and my own, you can read here: https://www.anekdot.ru/id/951977/
The doctor also did not remain in debt, he has such cases, of course, in order more, further from his words, but I am not a doctor, so I could misunderstand something and misunderstand, well, the tales from doctors usually with eternal medical cynicism, with their special attitude to life and death, which sometimes corrupts the ordinary person, so the rumor I smote it, in general - do not judge strictly.

After graduation, I began my medical activity in 1995 at the regional hospital of the city of Petropavlovsk (Kazakhstan). So it turned out that for the entire hospital I was the only neurosurgeon, and by the feeling that in the whole city too, an ambulance with CT (cranial-brain injuries) brought everyone to us. There was more work than before Doha... well, to say gently, it was a lot. Sometimes there was a feeling that the world behind the walls of the hospital went crazy and there are fighting, and I am working in the hospital almost at the forefront. I was then given a room near the hospital, young, single, and was dragged at any time.
Another late winter evening, I went to the office and decided not to go home, drink tea and fall on the couch here, one hour at night will definitely be raised. So it coincided that there was a duty, and a few complicated operations, in general, on the legs at 35 hours exactly. The nurse offered to warm the couch in the nursing room, but not before you, the thoughts - to lie down and sleep, sleep, sleep...
When we woke up, looking at the clock with the arrows, for a long time I could not understand how much time has passed, if more than 12 hours, then what do you want to sleep, no, apparently only 20 minutes. My face is washed off, I go, and my eyes are closed, even if you put the light bulbs in, it is also snooping, it is shaking, the heating has been turned off? Well there is light. At that difficult time in Kazakhstan, wind turbines were practiced, sometimes in the residential sector, electricity was given only for a few hours a day, hospitals tried not to turn off, but it was also frequent. In short, I persuade myself, not only 20 minutes managed to sleep, but a whole 20 and going home, it could not work at all. Okay, coffee bread, the anesthesiologist will breathe oxygen and it will be normal.
So what is here with us? A boy in a police uniform, a younger sergeant aged 23-25, lies on a catwalk unconscious, got a steel bar or a pipe on his head. The mission broke the skull in the area of the junction of temporary and thymal bones.
- Okay, what to think here, go to the operating room, the opening will show.. - the last words I said almost in the corridor.
What is this opening?!!! – In the evening, a whole major of the militia jumped to me – a low and thick Kazakh.
We brought it to you alive, e-ha, we brought it! – grabbed me for the oral coat, sprinkling the saliva major.
"Calm down, he is alive, I will do trepanation, thyfu - the skull needs to be opened, here I said the opening - I flushed away from mint.
Are you someone? - almost instantly calming down, the major with suspicion looked around me and began to smell. Yes, it was immediately clear that my appearance caused deep doubts in him. Young, insolite, roasted, with red, tearful eyes, unbroken, in a faint and not very clean coat, in a hospital shirt on a barefoot, whom he still tastingly shakes in the cold, and also lost the front tooth of the third day by misunderstanding (slide and hit the edge of the shell, the lip has not yet healed and whispered noticeably), there was still a good smell of frostbite (although the nurse offered to brew alcohol), and so the spilled bombage.
- Okay, I went to prepare, time is expensive... - I rushed through the corridor.
“Yes, you don’t worry, this is our neurosurgeon, a good doctor... This is an elderly sanitary major whose suspicious, narrow-eyed look in the back I felt directly physically. This is another problem – do not give Hippocrates, the patient will die.

I made a cut, removed the fragments, well, even if there is luck, there is no bleeding inside, the brain will not fall. About luck rushed, another surgeon immediately went, said that in the neighboring operating room another miser is already being prepared for me. Fuck, when am I going to go out?
I let the nurse team interfere. This is such a two-component type of patch, when hardened, quite hard and elastic, having good adhesion to the skull bone. The edge of the hole was leveled, he drove longer than he had planned, the sister was already squeezing in his hands, grabbed on the machine, began to form a puddle. When I sample, it turned out that I did at least twice as much as necessary, to rework late, to catch the beginning. Okay, and so it will come down, well, there will be one cubicle more, on a not-so-perfect skull.
The skin is stretched - I seam, and the worm in the shower glutes, in the center is almost a centimeter thick. My professors-teachers for such a halter head with their hands would cut off, yes, even eggs...
The patient once after the operation observed, wrote the recommendations, the guy came to consciousness, well, of course, shook strong, but thanks to Hippocrates, they did not force all of their operated.

A few months have passed, and I have forgotten how many have passed through me.
Another challenge in the reception, gunshot injury of the head, again a police officer, a sergeant this time, the butt and half of the face is wrapped with bandages, like 20 crooks were wrapped, oh these ambulance officers... I ask another mint of the partner, what, and how. They fired meters from 4-5 from Makar (pistol Makarov, caliber 9 mm). In the touch? Almost in the top. There is no entrance, no exit. Hm..., it doesn’t seem to be a resident, there should be brains in the bush, I’m wondering – why did we go here, do we have nothing to do? Okay, I will come and see. I feel the pulse, it is necessary, still alive... Oh, he suddenly met up, standing up, Azamat-suku to him, you see, it is urgently necessary to wet. As in the anecdote from the series: the bullet asked for a whisk, came out of the second, but the brain did not hit...
- Lie down, lie down - both of us and our partner barely hold him.
"You have already soaked your Azamat, I personally soaked when he was shooting at you," a partner told him.
Winnie is silent? I want to see if I get up again.
You have a bullet in your head, I lied. I shouted the second mouth again. He finally calmed down, lying down... In full consciousness, the speech is a bit vague, it is understandable, but it doesn’t look like nonsense. Just thought so, he began to call us all into the carpentry, urgently he suddenly stumbled, something fell asleep. And you go nakui, and you doctor too go nakui... Yes, no rich people have moved in the Kazakh villages. Okay, prepare it, and I went too.

Only I looked at the broken turtle, sewing my own hand over the clot, so I immediately remembered it. How did I not admit it right away? The bullet entered almost exactly the center of my leech, and it stuck there. If she had fallen into the skull anywhere else, or if I had done the right thing then, they would have a cold corpse now, and so only a shock of the brain and a hole in the skin. So think, rework now, as it was, or as it should be?

As Maradona said after the quarter-finals with England at the 1986 World Cup: “If it was a hand, it was a hand of God.” So what goes? It was not my halta that was wronghanded, but this is the fishing of God.