Strange...When I say that the authorities are dealing badly with fires, they say to me, “Well, go ahead – go yourself and extinguish.” And when I say that a governor or a deputy instead of work carries a shit and obviously does not pull, nobody offers me to go to work as a gobber or a deputy.

I have a hobby – I sell shirts of large size and height. As it goes, I myself faced a problem and thought that I was not alone - an idea for business. This resulted in a divorce and it was then decided that it was a better way to take the free time than alcohol and questionable women. I make a living in a different way and this occupation in the best case only pays for itself. Commerce is purely remote, even a warehouse in a garage, I usually send by courier or by post. But sometimes, if the customer is in the same city and allows time - I bring myself. Moreover, when selling directly, there is a greater likelihood of selling something other than the ordered. And recently I went to such a delivery, there a 16-year-old boy - you need to prepare to go to school. Word for word:

Where do you want?

In a buffalo that I didn’t decide on. IU there or SM

- Oh you, the world is tight, and I finished it. Also, what kind of cabinet?

And here I see, on the face of the mixed feelings in half with despair - well, so, a man has learned and now shirt trading?! The fall of life goals, spirits and faith in a bright future at the same time.

I had to confide in the conclusions.

What size is your dinner table?

YYY - 60x120

Yyy - True, my wife for some reason calls it a computer and asks me not to eat after it.

Try to promise less. Especially myself. Others are fine, but you are exhausting all the nerves for the unfulfilled.

The wrong pharmacist.
A doctor recently prescribed me a horse dose of antibiotics. Everything ended well: I am very even alive, but the ranks of bifidobacteria in my body have been waiting again. With age, I developed a habit of paying more attention to my health, relying on the expression "who in youth ate delicious, he in old age eats useful."
After watching advertisements on TV, I went to the pharmacy to buy a couple of billions (or maybe more) of these same bacteria. I didn't even expect that there could be such a great variety of them - my eyes just run away, looking at dozens of bottles of different names and manufacturing companies. Having taken several different bottles of bacteria, I went to consult a pharmacist which one was better. On the other hand, I was just like Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg: jeans and a T-shirt. I was not very similar to the inspector.  I explained the situation to him, and he asks:
Do you have nowhere to spend money?
No, I’ve even roasted, there’s a lot to go.
Then put these pots in place and don’t shake your head – the bacteria in your body will recover on their own.
I did not expect such advice from a person interested in selling pharmaceutical goods, so I asked him about it, nobody else’s good was nearby.
- I work today the last day, tomorrow I will be retired, so at least once in my life I want to give an honest advice to the buyer!

Why don’t you pay back my debt?
It is economically unprofitable.

I went out for a walk with a dog, next to the house a kindergarten. At the edge of the entrance to the garden is a man lying on the ground, next to him is a boy of 5 years old, crying heavily. I approached them, wanted to help, whether little to him, the heart or what... And he is drunk in the shell, hardly speaks. Who gave this companion in the garden son is a mystery. Oh well okay. It was his fault, not his fault, that his father had stumbled. I asked the child where he lived, and he said he would show the way.

And here we go. In one hand a dog who is shocked by what is happening, in the other a child who is shocked no less than a dog. A drunk batyu was picked up, he moved in autopilot mode and with the help of God. The man tried to tell me all the way about the fact that he crashed at the funeral of a friend, the child told about his day in the kindergarten. I listened to the stories and thought about what to do with them. Here the idea came to mind to call the boy's mother (with his words she was at work) and tell her about the condition of her husband and that the child with him is in a frightened state. She answered the call, I told her this story, she said it was clear and put the phone on. In short... We got to their house half by half with grief (it was decent to go), and here a new test is the 5th floor of a five-story house. The father barely stood on his feet, fell from the stairs twice, broke his head, but was conscious. I found the keys from his apartment, I wanted to open their apartment. While I was busy picking the keys, the mother of this family came, I gave her the child, the phone, the keys, the package of a man. And she... She silently just opened the door, took the child, her husband and everything. and all! No thanks, no please. I, of course, did not plan to collect laurels, but fucking... I briefly took my pet and we went home thinking of such an unusual walk...

I sit in the children’s yard of my house. My nephew is running somewhere. Not far from me in the sandbox are playing two Gypsies - brother and sister, apparently. Some Russian girl of 4 years of age suits them and actively tries to engage in a conversation, but the Gypsies do not understand Russian, they play on their own. Someone cries to the Russian boy:

Masha and Masha! They speak another language, they don’t understand you.

In another? She shouted surprisedly to Diane.

Second 30 thinks something, then turns back to the Gypsies and says loudly:

Hello May friends!

Interestingly, do people who passed the law “On Insulting Religious Feelings” realize that they insulted common sense?

It was affair. I went to my mom for business. Behind the fence a walk, songs, dances. and fun.
He came home, and here, the neighbor, through the fence:
Do you go to Chechnya?
Well yes, and what?
“Take up,” he said, “friend, you’re on your way.
No question, I say.
The body comes out, in a state between “fucking” and “now singing.” What do you do, we sat down, we went.
I won’t tell you how he fucked my brain, “You don’t hold the steering wheel, “gaze give it,” and so on. We walk through the bull, there are menta. They brake.
From that moment the show began. This spinoff, falling into the driver's window, pushing me into the seat, and fell: The reason for the stop, and show the documents, and I turned you all on the ass. I’m not sinless, but in my whole life, I’ve never been so ashamed and offended.
I can’t say how long I’ve been pudding my brains. As a fool, I tried to explain something. At this time, the body, splashing around the car, promised the mints the punishments of heaven. Hardly called out.
Okay, I let it go. We go. Mood is ruined. Orangutang again begins to catch up with the driving, teaching driving skills. And here I broke.
– Denis, I say, and you don’t want to suck? It is nice to sit on the track.
The patient was excited. I stop, release the dude to the side, then give up a little back, slow the door to clog, and go home with a brick face.
As I was then crucified, "And fucking he will hit you, and will tear your ass into slats." “You, Gandon, have abandoned a man. He had to walk twenty kilometers on foot in the rain. His wife had that still sprinkled saucer. The neighbor stopped greeting.
Am I ashamed? No is. Would I do the same again? Yes is.
This is such a story.

Everyone is equal before the law and the court.
No one should be tortured.
Everyone has the right to the secret of correspondence.
Housing is inviolable.
Freedom of the media is guaranteed. Censorship is prohibited.

The provisions of the Constitution of the Russian Federation sound like slogans at an opposition rally.

My father from a business trip brought a jeans pair, and she was small to me.But it was a jeans shit, he barely pressed and went to school. The legs like sticks, in the knees do not bend, the jacket barely stuck to all the buttons, but behaved like a tough corset. In short, I walked like that robot from Star Wars. And when it was necessary to sit down at the party, as the teacher said, a loud thunderstorm broke out in total silence. The pants broke in the ass. I don’t know why, but after that incident, I got the name Lisy.

When I was seven or eight, my uncle brought me a cool T-shirt from Poland. In the front was painted a spider-man performing some incredible culbit and shooting a web, and in the back in the whole back is depicted his head and the inscription "SPIDER-MAN". In those not very prosperous years, it was the most beautiful thing in my closet. At least I thought so. And here I decided to go out in this shirt to the street, so that everyone would be jealous and realize what I am dirty and careless. But here’s the disappointment... the shirt was the size, or even two more than I needed. Therefore, a vertical fold was constantly formed on the back, which covered the letter "S". Guess what word did these evil children call me in the courtyard?  (╥﹏╥)

A year in Russia.

All news is more funny than a joke.

I met in comments on the Internet:

Commander of part. The Colonel!! He sent KamAZ to the other end of the city to purchase two (!) cement bags, because there a cement bag is 50 rubles cheaper than here. The fact that solariums on this car run required the equivalent of seven bags of cement he did not take into account. Fighters have taken into account! Solarium was sold, bought here two bags of cement, the rest was drunk...This is the "savings".

Doctor, how can I cure it?
I will bite now.
Or maybe I myself?
Let us not self-medicate...

You cannot buy youth, and you cannot buy old age.

About re-qualified taxi drivers with unusual biographies. Recalled from the history of August 1 about a Canadian taxi driver-scientist who met a taxi driver-graduate of his university:
https://www.anekdot.ru/id/1034656/

Many criteria have questioned whether this is possible. well well.

I remember my best taxi driver. He really saved me. The flight was in the morning. Leaving home very early in the morning. And if I was late for him, I would have gotten a real ass. I was very afraid to sleep. It was a mission. But he slept. He was in some frustration and agitation, wearing around the house like a rage with the last collection. In the firefighter mode - for all about 40 seconds. Because the pre-ordered taxi has arrived and is waiting.

The firefighter came out of me fucking. As I rushed, I ran out in about an hour. After a long time, I can’t remember why I was so delayed. Certainly something of an important importance. Per the passport was not found in the ordinary box. Maybe you put the money in the wrong book. Not the essence. It’s that I ran out like a sparkly cock and honestly told the taxi driver the time of my flight. With sadness untold, he promised to add five hundred if he delivered to such a time. Otherwise a black shit. It is an honor to be on this flight.

I noticed that he shrugged. How he didn’t hit the price of ten in this arrangement – I’m surprised. Instead, he encouraged us that our case was hopeless.

Then began the French series Taxi. Through the deserted curved streets, which are unknown to navigators, it flashed through the entire center of Moscow to the traditional traffic jams in Leningrad. I didn’t know if I should be grateful or not. But in the traffic, life was not in a hurry.

Who is driving an alien? I looked at the taxi driver. Ordinary Slavic face. It’s amazing for a taxi. Looking further, the face is also smart and strong. It was as if they crossed an academic with a special force. It doesn’t get stuck in the traffic, but it does get stuck. What fucking unseen thing did I get? have talked.

He was my pilot. In the sense that many times he flew with me on board on the route Vladivostok-Moscow and back. He is my taxi driver. Not in my clerical sense, of course. I am his passenger. But guys, I’ve got my ears up! A few polite questions passed by in the middle of a long conversation. I’m convinced that Nippon is, of course. Yes, I am lucky in a taxi b. airliner pilot. He is lucky at the airport and is not especially excited that will not lucky me further, a few thousand kilometers away.

But how so? My brain exploded. This man at 40+ was raising huge IL-62 and Tu-154 into the sky. Take hundreds of passengers to another part of the planet. He successfully planted them, judging by the fact that they were still alive. Now he’s 50+ and he’s dragging my lonely body on the ground. How could this happen?

It turned out, simply. After the liquidation of the Russian fleet in the form of these very IL-62 and Tu-154, they were replaced by Western airbuses. The pilot 40+ did not want to re-learn them. Afraid that he is no longer young, he is poor in English, and threatens a few hundred passengers headed by him. Better than a taxi.

We surprisingly quickly arrived at the airport in this congestion. At last, I asked him what it was. When you have a couple hundred souls behind you, and you are responsible for them. He smiled, right now you were behind my back. In the only copy. Suppose you are at least two hundred. What difference? The main thing is that I want to live myself. I drive for myself and I sit. But most of all, when I was younger, I liked to drive the car, not the passengers.
What is SP? I asked Sonny.
The driver seemed to be disappointed. He explained politely:
The station is like that. It is called the North Pole. I usually dropped them from the air and flew back. But sometimes they cleaned the lane. How not to sit here?

have not agreed. I still regret not having met this man. Is it hard to drive so fast? I just didn’t have time to remember.

I found in your pocket ammunition and a note in Arabic!
- In fact, these are rectal candles and the recommendations of the doctor!

He lived in communion with two Tatar brothers. The elderly man owed money, and returned it in parts and reluctantly. During the next financial crisis, which happened to students at least once a week, they went to the debtor. The neighbor opened it and shouted into the room:

- Denis, the Tatars are here again for the tribute!