On a mortgage, one apartment is bought to yourself, the other to the bank.

I bought a flash for 8 gigs, asked how much the video will fit there? I say 8 gigs. He asks, what about time? There is a man next to you, that’s important. I answer, let’s take a three-litre jar, how much beer will fit there? He says 3 liters... I ask, what about the time? He has a stupor. And the man next to him, as he roared, says this is the best comparison he has ever heard.

We had a very funny psychiatrist. Aunt Ahovo loved her work, and all of our classes were conducted with great enthusiasm.

Once in practice she joyfully said: Today we have an interesting patient! Let us communicate with him!

She brought out of the chamber a tiny little man, somewhere 160 height, kil 50. He sat next to us on a chair. They began to ask:

Sasha, why are you here?

I don’t want to go to a prison psychic.

And why?

My mom and sister said it was bad.

Why did my mother and sister get there?

They killed people, their voices told them.

The voices talk to me too, so I came here.

Who is talking to you?

Three beautiful girls from space.

What are they saying?

The man silently wrapped us in the eyes.

I want to kill you all, but I don’t listen, I don’t want to go to a prison psychic... bad there.

I had the shortest date. I come, I get out of the car, I see a woman standing 15 years older than me, very wide in my shoulders, and says, "I am a woman simple. I am a former athlete, throwing the core. I don’t go to bed with everyone. Only the one who meets my condition. My condition is simple: you now pull out a member and put it in my hand. He will shut down my hand, let us go to me, he will not shut down, and hope not.” And stretches a lap, the size of a small bowl. I immediately said, "Well what you, what you, I will not close, I will probably go," and retired.

Today I will tell you how I met the first nest in my life.

A story about kindergarten, many physiological details.



Larisa Tychovna was a babysitter in my group and sometimes beat me with a folded jump. In general, she didn’t touch me very often, I was quite a quiet obedient child, more often the boys stood barefoot on the cold floor in the toilet during the quiet hour, well, or the girls were fed with a bowl of soup so that they blew in plates, and they were then fed again with the same. Ordinary kindergarten.



Definitely now they will write to me that you did not say anything to anyone, I would... Well, how would we think that everything is okay, we were brought to the kindergarten of mom and dad, and they know exactly how and what to do. So it's right that Tychovna periodically squeezes someone in a beet salad, gently squeezes a dishwasher on his face, or promises to all to remove the cowards from the child.



Once Larisa Tychovna became seriously angry and took off the cowards in front of everyone from some little insomnia.

The episode struck me and I told my mom everything. Mom cautiously asked me about Tivovna and cried, in the evening Dad promised to put the heart of the babysitter in our living room on the carpet.



The next day we went to the head, she told us that this was the first complaint, promised to resolve soon and sent me to the group.

Further, I remember only that I was not allowed to go to the toilet, for some reason, it was important for me to get rid of it, and better to get rid of it. She whispered to the children not to play with "this snake", but they seemed to play anyway, I don't remember the discomfort about this, but sometimes I wanted to suck desperately. The number of insults increased, but the handwriting stopped.



I don’t know how long this would last, but the case helped.

One day my dad came to me and found that five children were sitting in a group and playing, and there was no teacher or babysitter. He dressed me and took me home.

At home, he told his mother the situation, that he was completely offhelied, the children were left alone. My mother ran to the garden.



She went into the group with the parents of another boy and asked loudly:

So, where is my child?

Panic began, the educator and Tychovna ran down the stairs, then the nurse and the head run with them. Called the militia.

The police arrived, guessed to call us home, the child was "found", but a report was sent to the Reno.

Rono began the inspection, other children were questioned, a lot of shit came out, and with this muddy stream the headmaster, educator and Larisa Tychovna was forever wiped out of my life.

A country in which the price of a commodity is hit at the factory when it is manufactured is an example of stability and confidence in tomorrow. Until the idiots control it.

The True Romance

A few years ago, a guy worked with me, despite the age of a little over fifty, he is still a guy.
He is a real adult man, but in terms of energy a young man, and in terms of feeling and appearance a 30-year-old guy.
I had an exacerbated “zož” phase (healthy lifestyle) and we started running together once or twice a week after work.
It turned out that Stefan, which is how he is called, Ironman (Iron Man). This means that he swam, ran, cycled a lot of kilometers in a very short time and won this title. At the time of our approximation, he was preparing for a “running” of 160 kilometers in less than 24 hours. Now, dear reader or listener, Stefan has already done this and probably now has the title "Titanman". Even if he doesn’t have that title, he deserves it.

One day we talked about who spent the weekend. There was a marathon in Berlin and I asked him if Stefan participated in it. The answer surprised me, Stefan said no and smiled, which caused my sincere surprise. I thought he was participating in all marathons, which is true. But then I understood his smile.
Stefan's wife enrolled in this marathon, but for some reason did not receive standard support: water bottles or isotonic, tonic drinks at certain stages of the race, checkpoints.
Without this support, it is harder to escape. I did not run a marathon (42,195 km).But I think so much!
As an option, you can run constantly with a supply of water, and this is a tangible gain in weight, which does not add clutter and ease to the runner.

Stefan solved the problem.
But how...
He ran parallel to the official route, because as a non-marathon participant he had no right to run the marathon route. He had a bag with drinks for his wife. He had to run around spectators, sometimes to make large runs, as the nearest streets were blocked by police, and these guys did not miss a guy running around a marathon and also with a bag weighing several kilograms.
Plus, he had to be on checkpoints at least faster than his wife, to explain to the organizers every time why he is here, encourage his wife, give her a drink and run on.

In the end, she ran the whole marathon.
This was her first marathon.

Stefan ran a half time longer.

Opening the door of the car, passing forward, moving the chair and other manifestations of care for a woman, of course, is good and in my eyes important, but what Stefan did stands at a very different level of care for his partner.
I was upset when I heard his story about how he spent those weekends.
Happy and long years together, Stefan!

In Moscow, a new airport will be built, which will serve only officials.
He will be called Darmoedovo.

Raise your hand those of you who read the entire user agreement? So, what about those who do this every time they read the treaties? Admit, there are few such people. On Reddit were those who scrupulously read the terms of the agreement and stumbled on very interesting points. A pleasant reading!



1st If you make money on Tik Tok, the service owners can assign your earnings to themselves. And they can also use your videos in their advertisements, naturally without your consent.



2nd I’m not sure anyone will be surprised, but when I read the entire rental agreement for my first rental apartment, I realized I would have to pay even if I died.



Three Sony may sue you for not updating your console software if you were connected to the Internet.



4 is In the employment contract of the company in which I worked, on page 22 a line was buried, which stated: whoever on his first day of work that he saw this line in the contract on such an email, will receive a bonus leap this year.



5 is On April 1, Gamestation decided to add a special clause to the contract - "On the Immortal Soul", which stated the following: "by placing an order through this website on the first day of the fourth month of the year of Christ's birth, you agree to give us in free use for eternal eternity your immortal soul."



6 is Someone, Doug Heckman, installed the Pitstop program for the PC and read the entire license agreement. In it, he found an item stating that he could get a financial compensation if he wrote to Pitstop by email. The result: the man received a $1,000 check as proof that it would be good to read the license agreement (three thousand people did not do it before him).



7 is I don’t know if they fixed the item or not, but earlier at FedEx, if you indicated that the cargo was “fragile,” it didn’t mean they would handle it more carefully. This only meant that you confirmed that the cargo was fragile and that was why it broke, and that FedEx was not to blame. Thus, they deprived you of the opportunity to file a lawsuit for damaging your package and obtain any compensation.



8 is A few years ago (somewhere in 2011) such an entertainment as "Work from Home" was popular, widely advertised everywhere, promising huge payouts and a free trial. (It was about the signature, as you can guess.) I became curious what exactly the fraud was and I read their contract. There was an item requiring you to pay them $10,000 as compensation if you applied for a refund of previously paid funds. And although it was unlikely to come to court, dealing with collectors who kindly offered to pay "only three thousand" is still shit.



9 is I learned that Amazon can pick up books I bought from the Kindle store at any time.



10 is If you intend to sue Huawei, you will have to do it in China. But you will never be told that a foreigner has almost no chance of winning a case in China.



11 is By the way, and also Amazon has a clause in the contract relating to the onset of the zombie apocalypse. No, seriously: “H, this restriction will not be effective in the event of the occurrence (and official confirmation of the COC) of a crushing viral infection transmitted through bites or by contact with biological fluids, and causing the resurrection of human corpses seeking to absorb living human flesh, blood, brains or nerve tissue, which could lead to the fall of civilization.



12 is I had a Victoria’s Secret coupon, the terms of use of which were as follows: Canadians need to solve a math problem to be able to take advantage of this coupon.



Thirteen Once participated in a story contest, which organized an amusement park, under the terms of which your story can be published, but...

Any story sent by them will belong only to them and will not be used by you or third parties. In addition, they could:

Throw out your story, but you still can’t publish it anywhere.

They could make money on your story without giving you a penny.

They were not obliged to refer to you as a writer, except for the only mention in the first publication.

They could modify your story without consulting you.



14 is And I was lucky one day, I read the entire contract and there was such a item: "Dear customer, thank you for reading all the terms to the end. Write us to the mail referring to this item and we will send you a box of chocolate as a gift. They really sent out!

When I was young, I worked on repairing my small area. I had a house instead of a wagon in the form of a barrel.

A couple of young families were housed nearby.

So I got tired of using the drill. I forgot my home. I ask my neighbor.

I – “Listen, let the drill drill a couple of holes.”

The neighbor says, “I don’t have a dick myself.”

I am. “Well, I’ll ask another neighbor.”

S is "A bad idea, it is inadequate at all, it is better not to connect with it."

To explain “inadequacy”, however, he could not.

I go to another neighbor.

I – “listen, the drill is needed, just a couple of holes.”

The neighbor 2. "Listen, the drill is not new to me, you understand that if it burns in your hands, it will be unpleasant for you and me. I will be ashamed to ask you for a new drill, but you will be unhappy to give a new drill for the old drill.”

I thought, “Now it’s clear why he’s inadequate, greedy on the go.”

And the neighbor continues - "giving I will come to you with my drill and help everything that needs to be done, for free and neighborly. And if anything happens to the drill, it will be boring to me alone.”

He came to me and helped me. Since then, I have done the same with others. In my opinion, the most appropriate decision.

Humble people, always on top.

At old age before retirement I had to move from a forced place to another city. In addition to everything, I had to re-formulate my certificate and in the Military Command. The town is small, almost a village. I come, give a military ticket and the necessary papers, the chancellor goes for a personal affair - there is no personal affair. No and no, look for it. They are looking – there is no one. It must be a scandal. Once again they take a military ticket, look at the specialty, scratch and run to the military. He found my business there. It turns out, in our town, all military personnel have traditional military specialties, such as motor shooters and only I have one kind of unknown type of ballistic missile ignitor. Military for some reason decided that if I am called, it means one thing - run, Vasya, run. Here he installed my only daddy in the whole town with a specialty for himself in the regiment waiting for the time of Ch. and fortunately.

Aunt: “My husband took all the money to buy a car and left me with five children.”
A neighbor: "My girlfriend was beaten by her husband and broke all her teeth."
“My brother-in-law drank the TV and then beat the brother-in-law for what she allowed.”
Everyone asks me, “When will you get married?”

I order a beer at the CB on the spill, the seller asks:

Do you have a passport?

I answered: there is

The seller is already pressing: - Passport is there! ? to

I pressed too: I have!

I was upset, poured a beer and asked nothing more.

The passport was with me. Don’t ask stupid questions, you won’t get stupid answers.

The case was: I get a message in VK from an unfamiliar girl, looking very nice, I initially even accepted for a fake. Instead of the expected advertisement, I see something like this: “Hello! How are you living? Do you remember me?” To say that I was surprised - nothing to say, I do not remember having had acquaintances with such a kind of beauty. It turned out that we were in the same camp a long time ago, about seven years ago, and then she suddenly decided to write to me. We talked a little, remembered past times and here she SAMA on the first day offered to meet. Of course I agreed, set a time and then after a couple of hours we sat in the cafe. Everything went pretty well, I took her to a taxi, we said goodbye in a good mood and then until the very night we corresponded.



I thought, maybe this is my chance, such a cool girl first writes to me and offers to meet, you need to take advantage of the moment and not scratch her. I did not even have to do anything, she appointed meetings herself and took the initiative on herself, already on our third meeting it was visible that everything worked out and went smoothly. I didn't believe that this was happening to me - that's how, you can say, a good girl fell to me from the sky.



A week after our first meeting and praised her at the cafe, on what she said, better let’s take a walk near her house, I was surprised, the street was pretty cool and the wind blowed that day, but I agreed, I was no different. After about ten minutes of walking, she said it was frozen and we’d rather spend time with her at home. I wasn’t ready for such an unexpected turn of events, but of course I was glad it was what I was so waiting for. At home, she changed her clothes and came out of the room to me in short shorts and an open t-shirt, sat next to me on the couch and quietly smooked my hip... Since the time of the camp, I knew that she was still loose and behaved freely, but I didn’t think that much... I couldn’t withstand such a pressure and after a few seconds we were both without clothes. I stood, she fell on her knees in front of me, took my device in my hand, and then a terrible thing happened... whether it was from excitement or something else I stumbled on, and not just but with a dull, the most real, it flowed on my foot right onto the carpet on which we stood... We were both in shock, there was something on the face of the girl between surprise and confusion. I fell into a stupor for some time, I stupidly did not know what to do next. And then I quietly turned, left the room, found a toilet in her apartment, there quickly wiped out all the misunderstanding with paper, returned to the room, the bullet dressed and ran out to the street. I just walked the street straight to get as far away from the girl's apartment as possible, went into the bar for cigarettes and smoked, although I didn't smoke, so much at that moment I was nervous.



Further, neither I wrote to the girl nor she to me, it was very uncomfortable and I wanted to forget it soon. This is all over...

Early 90s, I am 21, a virgin. My mom’s girlfriend’s daughter stays with us for a while while while she’s looking for work. 19 years old, long dark hair, cute. We spend a lot of time together. I have to drive it for different things.

One day we were home alone. Look at Robocop. She stops the movie and says she wants to show me something. Loads another cassette, smiles and presses "play".

There is porn. I've never looked at him before, I don't understand why she put him. Please turn the robot back on.

We watch Robocop in silence.

A great movie.

This story happened last summer and changed my life forever. I am 21, I live with my mom, my father left when I was 7. Then the family of my mom’s childhood friend came to visit us from another city. Well, according to the classic, my mom wanted to introduce me to her daughter, because I am so shuffled, I sit at home, I don't walk with girls, bla bla bla. The day before the arrival, my mom warned me not to sit at the company until late, as the guests would be early. Well, I bought a beer and in the evening decided to try to find the same girl with whom I wanted to get along. Since I knew all the data, it was not difficult. A cute girl, red hair, blue eyes, still a child’s face, nothing special, the usual profile of a 19-year-old girl in VC. I drank my beer, laid out the couch in the hall and cut myself off.



The guests came in the morning, as the mother promised. After all the kindness, in the form of choking for the cheeks with the words: "what guy was choking out" everyone sat down at the table for tea, the family and we and they are decent, nobody gathered from the morning to binge. After the tea, our guests and mom decided to leave until evening to see other common friends. My daughter did not want to go with them and stayed with me in the same apartment. When I accompanied all their company and closed the door, my mom didn’t blink ambiguously to me.



“What shall we do?” I would like to sit at the computer, as usual, but I thought it would be ignorant. However, she just hanged in her phone and completely ignored my question. No, not a big loss. I sat in front of the computer and continued to suffer from the scourge.



“Do you know the city well?” A soft voice came from behind my back. “Well, yes,” I answered without taking my eyes off the monitor.

"Let's go for a walk, it's better than sitting at home bored. My name, by the way, is Xusha" - she stretched out my hand, I carefully grabbed her, well, I agreed, why not.



We walked around the city, entered the city park and talked a long time. As you could guess, her mother also dropped on her brains about the absence of the guy and was going to introduce me. And what surprised me was that she was interested in a lot, unlike most of her peers. She was fascinated by astronomy, studied piano, read world classics. Xusha easilyined the conversation, there were no uncomfortable pauses at all. The day passed unnoticed, we walked, laughed and when the evening approached decided to go home.



The house was still empty, my mother and her guests have not yet returned.

Xusha spotted all the rooms and said, "Well, we were not just left alone." She approached me and kissed me gently in the lips. I stumbled, stood in a stupor like a degenerate virgin, though they were not. She just smiled widely, took my hand and dragged me into the bedroom where my mother’s double bed stood. After that, she grabbed me with one hand for the back of the neck, pulled it to herself and already with wild force grabbed into my lips, which was a bit painful, and with the other hand she put me in my shorts. I knew no boundaries, but not for long. I forced myself to gather, lying in such a situation I did not intend. I dropped my things, pulled a light saraphan off her and fell down on the bed, kissing her whole body. Then I just pulled the cowards out of her, pulled the rubber on me, turned it on my stomach, gently inserted it, and it went. I tried to think about anything, I didn’t want to drop the time sooner. I remembered every post about shit I’d ever read in Japan. I lost the course of time, but I think it lasted long enough, because at the end she screamed like a sirene. At that moment, I was afraid that the grandmother living across the wall would tell my mother about what I heard. But I could finally relax and finished myself. She turned around, laughed and looked me in the eyes and asked if I knew what gold rain was. I shrugged. “I know, but why do you ask?” “I want you to suck on me,” she said immediately, quickly and confidently, with a voice that she did not speak to me during the day. I barely stopped laughing, thinking it was a joke, but she continued to look at me with begging blue eyes, like a cat in boots, and waited for an answer. I strapped the rubber and started the process, feeling an incredible bliss and relief...



I woke up when my mother struck me with a towel. I barely pierced my eyes, I saw that the family really arrived early in the morning, they stood in the room, together with the same Ksyusha, and looked at me, while my mother fucked me with a towel and cried that I was 21 years old and I... and I lay on the sofa in the puddle of my urine. There was a half cup of beer.

In connection with global warming, Trump expects to relocate Americans to sunny Greenland.

Half an hour ago, there was noise in the street. I went out to wonder.
The garbage reform has produced a crowd of parasites with roofs at the top. Even now, representatives of the rural administration walk through the courts demanding to pay for garbage. I also reached my neighbor. He is 92 years old, lives alone, all his life, years until 75 worked as a motorist in the local agricultural machinery until it collapsed. He still looks no more than 70 years old. The man is actively working at his site, and what kind of garbage can he have? What burns, it will burn and ashes for fertilizer, drizzle from 10 chickens, the same. Plastic is purchased on the sidewalk.
Now he is trying to duplicate this psychotic lady. But he does not want to listen to anything: he has a command from above, to lead to the obedience of the holops. In the end, she can’t stand:
When do you, old pearls, lift up?
The neighbor answered decently:
Thanks to you baby! I have lost my purpose in life lately. I began to wonder why I lived so long. Now I have a goal: I will bring the most beautiful bouquet to your grave.

In ancient Rome some slaves were allowed to have their slaves.
This is called the middle manager.