My name is Eugene. I always forget the names. When I get into strange companies where there are men, and after dating I forget their names, I usually call them by the name of Zhenya. Then they say to me, “I am not Zhenya, but Dima.” And I start to laugh and say, “Oh shit, sure, Zhenya is me.” Usually everyone laughs, and an uncomfortable moment can be avoided.

A man goes to a colonoscopy.

The doctor, sitting, does not look at the patient, fills the papers, says:

Go over the screen, dress up, wear single-use trousers.

Don’t worry, it’s not scary at all.

The man was not on a colonoscopy, never seen cowards with a cut.

I pulled the back forward, pulling out the "farm".

The doctor turns to the man and says thoughtfully:

Now I am scared...

To fly, you need not have wings, but a plane ticket.

In the first days of January 1982, I, a newly-cooked lieutenant of the militia, went from Central Russia on a trip to the Transcarpathians.
And how it was not to go if, in one of my first criminal cases on fraud, the citizen of G. G. 1910 was detained in Moscow, who was declared by me in all-Union search. convicted of theft and fraud.
During the interrogations, which took place at me as usual “in a warm friendly environment”, the arrested person told me that in one of the last episodes of the accusation she sold the stolen jewelry to the staff of the sanatorium in Western Ukraine.
I was always going to “only belt,” so on Christmas 7 January I was already in Uzhgorod. Overnight in the hotel, in the morning was in a sanatorium near the city.
The director of the sanatorium treated my mission with understanding, helped me in its execution, but warned that I should be introduced to the local ments. I didn’t mind, especially because I counted on their help.
First appeared the district Vanya, then came two more "shops", dressed as a citizen. To me, at the height of 170 all the two-meter men seem to be cabinets.
They turned out to be employees of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of the Ukrainian SSR, who guarded the resting in the sanatorium of the Deputy Minister of Internal Affairs of Ukraine. In general, they were four, guarded and rested alternately in pairs. They had their room in the sanatorium with an enormous bed.
The guys instructed Van to provide me with all the necessary help, as it was necessary to work in the settlements. Closer to the evening, we and Vanessa established all the buyers, interrogated, confiscated the values. We went to the cafe to drink tea, drank, as usual, vodka (but from the tea bar). They took vodka and vodka with them (Vanja found) to serve colleagues, and returned to the sanatorium. I had to go home the next morning. The “guarded body” went to sleep, so everyone relaxed.
We sat down with the guys five in their room to “talk” and ate dinner together. The question of the place of my bedroom did not arise at all. We communicated very mentally and qualitatively (the boys also "were" and a lot), so in the morning I found my body on the above-described bed in the same pile with the bodies of all four bodyguards lying on the fold.
Well, they fed me breakfast, wished me a happy trip and spent. The impressions of that meeting remained the warmest of all.
And even more pleasant impressions added a girl traveler who was driving in my coupe to Moscow. She just got smoked fat and homemade sausage out of her bags, the whole wagon was swallowed with saliva, and our coupe delicacies more delicious than I have never tried since.
What did I remember? The Soviet ments always found a common language among themselves, because in general they did one thing – they fought crime, although they regularly distracted us to all kinds of nonsense such as someone’s protection or participation in all sorts of events held “for the hole”. In a dreamy dream, we could not have dreamed that we could become enemies.

Interview for job admission:
HR Department employee: Are you planning to go on maternity leave in the next five years?
I: And you?
I think this is an inappropriate question!
I: I totally agree with you!

My mother’s acquaintance’s husband worked as a guard somewhere in the North and brought a second family there. Later, he found a good job in his town and moved this second family closer. In both families there were daughters, the second younger, naturally. On the spot, of course, burned in front of his wife, divorced, and he married a "what woman." But the child from the first marriage did not give up, helped financially, took with him for the weekend. The first wife did not object, the 90s, was pleased with both financial help and household: take the child from kindergarten / school, take it to the clinic, etc., because of the fact that the child was not allowed to go to the hospital. She worked a lot herself. The new wife felt guilty and tried to make friends with that daughter too. Then, in the second family, a tragedy happened - a child died, a car struck. The new one was not born, all the attention eventually got to the daughter from the first marriage, including the attention of the second wife. Years went by, this man died, the daughter continued to communicate periodically with his second wife - the relatives were far away, friends of close friends did not come to a new place, well, the type is not a strange person, then with the children she even helped, calling them her grandchildren. This second wife was diagnosed with cancer. I needed help: to go to the hospital with her, to visit, help at home, financial. And to turn to no one, it turned out that closer to the first family of the husband, this woman has no one nearby. And the daughter of this family, the work, she came to her mother - said, here, the trouble is such, not a strange man, like to give up, we need to help together. Well, in general, now this first wife took the second wife to live with her - so it is easier to take care of, but it is quite bad. She carries the duck, helps to wash, puts anesthesia, prepares for her, leads to doctors. She laughs that if she had been told many years ago that she would look after her husband's mistress at old age, she would have rushed in the face. And now the kind of relative thinks she is, say, not a stranger, but like to give up.

Employment of a person in the position of a tester. He was unable to fill out an online job admission form, as he found a bug there, which eventually crashed the system.

The more losses in the army, the more stars generals have.

When I see a couple in a cafe where a guy is sitting, stuck in his phone, and the girl with him is just sitting, sad, forging a spoonful of salad, but does not use his phone at the same time, apparently, showing a good example to the guy, or waiting for him to finish there, I always ask the waitress anonymously to give her flowers or dessert with the phrase: "So that such a beautiful girl would not be bored, but smiled." Interesting to see the reaction of both. Most often, the girls bloom, and the guys in shock jealously look at the sides, clean their phones. The girls sit with a mysterious smile, and the guys begin to actively conduct a conversation. Do not come to dinner/lunch together and then hang on the phone alone. I see it as disrespect for the person sitting next to me.

He and she are on a date at a restaurant.
She (the menu list): a buzz, well and the prices! Go home and eat the peelings.
My dear, do you want to be my wife?

My son 4 years. When I was walking with my grandmother, I met a girl of her age, Zlatan, at the playground. According to the stories, grandmothers run barefoot together, wonder, climb everywhere. They already know each other.

He went for a walk with me today. We come to the playground, I see a girl described as Gold.

I ask my son, “Is this the gold you talked about? “” The son thought.

The girl who heard us, sweetly shortsighted - "I am Katya, but I can be a little bit of Gold."

She divorced her husband because of his betrayal. They talked because they have four children. He married and divorced once officially and a couple more times so, without a stamp. She walked like a horse, raising the children, because he helped little financially. She doesn’t even think about marriage, more because of the children, although she looks very good. And here recently (after 15 years) her ex calls out and says, "I'm getting married. This time it is serious. You probably get married, don’t wait for me anymore.”

A girl who knows her price is no longer a girl, but a commodity.

Karma in action

I stood with a plastic pad and with a great mood at the tape in the Sheremetyevo airport inspection room. There was a journey ahead with travel and adventures.
From the side came a man of thirty-five, with a bald child in his arms. The man, quietly, slightly pushed off his poddon my and also slightly whipped the poddon in front of the grandmother. He set his own in the breach that had formed and measured it as if he were standing here.

It is clear that he took the one-and-a-half-year-old child in his arms only to make everyone see that he is a tired madonna with a baby, although this baby even a minute ago was perfectly running around the airport in his little shoes.
If the man said he was late, or that their mother went ahead, or that they need to change the diapers faster. Anything is whatever. Even if I would say directly, “Nothing, if I stand before you?”
I would like to miss a person with a child, especially since I did not rush anywhere. But after all, he just bluntly, mechanically pushed the line and just stood in front of me.
The mood of the great became normal. I decided to keep silent, thinking that karma itself would one day catch him.
And then a man with a child saw my feet in the bacillus, pointed to them with his finger and without preface asked:

Do you have to wear Bachelors?

Here I joined:

- I don't know about Bachil, but it is necessary to take a checklist.

The man understood what I was clinging to and decided to include the final ham:

- I, somehow, without your advice, decide myself - where and what to do and where not to do. Okay is?

We both understood that fighting at the airport under the cameras we will not in any case, so that our duel although gained momentum, but remained verbal and even emphasized on “you”.
I answered:

Okay, okay, of course okay. Just know that your ham strategy of behavior in society will not lead you to anything good.
Why won’t it lead? Nothing at all. has already brought. I am in front of you right now, correct me if I am wrong. So my strategy works well. Ha ha ha.
Laugh, laugh, but in vain you think that disrespect for others will advance you in life. In the long run, karma will still catch you and play out.
and karma? Ha ha ha. I have heard it somewhere. In fact, only life losers like you are hoping for karma, and determined people like me are always at the forefront.
- No, but imagine this option: you will go people on the heads, and people in turn will, for example, tell your son that his father is a piece of shit. This will be your karma. How do you?
- All this is just your unsuspecting, wet fantasies, dear, not karma. It does not work that way.
Why not sales? Those who do not believe in karma immediately get a slight click on their nose. See how it works.

I smiled widely and slightly bended my head to meet the cheeky child. The child also smiled at me and I said to him loudly and cheerfully:

Boy, and your dad is a bit of shit.

The child heard a familiar word, joyfully looked at his dad and ticked him in the face with a finger.
The man shook and almost shouted:

You are a piece of shit!
“It doesn’t matter who I am, your son won’t remember me anyway. Most importantly, he will remember that his favorite dad is a piece of shit. Yes little boy?

A smiling little boy, sitting on his arms, waved my hand, I waved in response, but he was quickly taken away from me somewhere far away.

The most difficult thing at school is for chemistry teachers. They know how to blow up or poison any minor bastard, but they keep up with their best.

Once I tried to call things by their names. is useless. Things are not recalled.

It’s about pearls, if...
I could not tell this story. I love watermelons, but because my twins, Katya and Lena, love them, I didn’t stand by. In addition, near their houses were laid shrubs. I saw Katie first.
The Arbuziki! Going to the shelf, without nitrates. Boyko asked her. It’s August and I love it!
What a nitrate, a miracle, not a garlic. Like the honey. Jigita stood behind the shelf.
I know, I know. Please choose a good one. Not too big to bring home.
We will make everything beautiful, tasty and not heavy! Everything is right. You will eat and rejoice. Look what a beautiful man! And he stumbled on a barrel lying in a huge pile of peanut.
Come on, let’s go! I’ll swallow it right here! How much of me?
After calculating, she grabbed the watermelon with two hands and pressed to the stomach and headed to the entrance, under the jigging of the giant following her small figure. She didn't have time to enter the apartment, as through the corner of the house, Lena came out of a women's consultation. Because, by the way, its suitable for the end of the period of pregnancy. That did not hinder the desire to taste a mountain on the ruin of the product. Sometimes even reinforced.
The Arbuziki! She spoke and headed to the shelf. Please hang up! Average but good! "Gigit pulled off his smartphone, raised his eyes and lost the gift of speech. He looked at Lena and what thoughts he had in his head was impossible to say. It also annoyed Lena. What is? - She didn't understand, - please give me peanuts, I really want to, I love them.
- Yes, I understood, I understood, - the seller finally spoke and took a bunch of watermelon. Looking at Lenin's stomach for some reason, then once again looked into his face, as if checking whether his visual memory had failed, and stumbled, carrying the watermelon past the weights.
How much of me? “I don’t understand anything,” asked Lena.
I give, I just give. Good buyer, come back again.

The taste of their dishes and the appearance of their women made the British the best sailors in history.

We sit with my husband at home, waiting for the installers for the length of the inuit. We wait a long time, 6 a.m. The husband begins to stick in order to do sex. I am :

- Well, stay away, you know the law of wickedness: just start, so somebody will stop.

My husband persisted. I am :

You don’t understand at all, right? Distance to!

The husband:

Keep quiet, I’m deceiving the monitors.

Eat the cucumbers yourself, give the cockroaches to your friends, and leave the strawberries in the rack.