My daughter, 8 years old:

"Mommy, why did daddy's phone write you "beemot" (there was something more funny, but the meaning is the same)"

I, naturally, beat my husband with a rock, he whisper, then whisper from where I know he has the phone. I ask my daughter:

Why did you think of it, and why did you put it on your dad?

Why did he crack and say it was me?

In December 2017, we were passing through Qatar on the MSC ship. After going out into the city, we went to some shopping center, found a man there who was ready to drive us in his car and went. This private man took us to our business, we bought a small wheelchair broken the day before, then he drove us down the city center. Then we asked to take us to McDack, which was on the main track and then planned to let it go, the ship was five kilometers away, we planned to take them a walk along the shore and play at the playground that we noticed at the port.



Stopped at McDack, I and the child went inside, and Max stayed, with a disturbing look of the video, he noticed that police on both sides of the road blocked traffic, forced to park unparked cars, that is, cleaning the road for something. Five minutes later, a cortex of three red jeeps went through the road, Max made a three-second video, a police officer approached him, carefully and unexpectedly took the camera from his hands and said something to the rack.



When I thought to go out, there was already full of different kinds of people, first came the police in white cars, then in black, all of them carefully viewed the three-second recording on the camera, joked and somewhere called. The situation was complicated by the fact that our passports were on the ship at the reception, we had only a photo of the passport, and on the number of the passport the visa of Qatar (and at the time it was needed) did not fight, we simply did not have it, we left the ship on a visa concession, about which neither the road police (?) Even those in white dresses had no idea.



Minute after forty it became clear that the husband was taken away, at the same time wanted to pack and our taxi driver, but I asked not to do so, because without him I will not be able to bring them the original passport, because I just don't understand where to go. The cops agreed that this was reasonable, took the taxi driver's documents, put them in my husband's car and went in an unknown direction.



My taxi driver and I jumped onto the boat, which instantly got up on our ears, as soon as I appeared at the reception with a three-year-old child in front of me and with the words, "Give our passports, my husband took the police," there was a feeling that dozens of people ran at the same time, dozens of phones ringed, I repeated my short story to new and new people and feared only that while I was talking here, the taxi driver would drop somewhere and we would not know where my husband is.

As a result, I was assigned a man, he was given our passports, a taxi driver (senx gad) was waiting for us in the car and we went.



For the next five hours, I felt like an eastern woman, because I and my little one were just transported as a cargo, on the road, a issued man broke our passports through the bases, found out the lack of a visa and also began to call somewhere.

In the first police station we were told to go to the second, in the second to the third, then another car joined us and they began to walk in three, by the end of the second hour came a guy who spoke Russian, he first spoke to me, said that everything is decided at the level of the consul, everything will be fine. In the end, we went to two other places. In the latter, none of us were allowed except the uncle who came specifically, he didn’t talk to me, I don’t know who it was. 15 minutes later he went out, said something to a Russian-speaking man and left. He rejoiced, told me that it was a hat, now I will be taken to the port, and Max will come in an hour.



Then Geneva and I sat in the harbour and waited for Max, the harbor workers were bothering around me, they were all the time calling someone, we already loaded everyone onto the ship, which because of us had to be delayed for an hour, and I sat and thought that in front of the payment with the taxi driver, who did not depart from me for a step, and who knows how much will cost our six-hour journey through Qatar in addition to those 20 euros that we have already paid him, then remembered that somewhere they wrote that if because of you the ship is delayed, it is also a fine, and the camera, most likely, was taken away, in short, they had taken a trip, they would not have to sell the apartment.



As a result, it was like a movie, the night, the red Toyota Jeep comes in with flashes, Max comes out, the three-year-old Zhenya shouts "Daddy" rushes to him on the neck, port workers applaud.

A five-minute swing of people is formed around us, everyone kicks Max on his shoulder, holds his hand, wishes us good luck, I see a Russian-speaking guy on the edge of the eye who approaches the taxi driver, gets his wallet and asks, "How much do they owe you?" “Well,” the taxi driver replied, “they’ve been with me since the morning,” I stopped listening.



We boarded the ship and left the hospitable Qatar, and in the morning for breakfast I heard a conversation at the neighboring table, two Germans discussed that yesterday some Russian terrorist was removed from the ship, which was perfectly legitimate, but he was still calculated, despite his wife and child, so the ship was delayed.



A terribly long post, but a few more sentences on the case: we were told that we were very lucky that there was no king or ladies from the royal family in the cars, but only the prime minister, otherwise the matter would be much more complicated and we would have to sit down.

The camera was given, the memory card was formatted and also given. There was no penalty for delaying the ship.

There are poor people in the cars who have no place to put their bicycles.

My father is a military officer, head of a food warehouse. Every month, in addition to his bowl, he brought home and the remaining unnecessary products, and it turned out that we had the entire kitchen and balcony filled with bags of flour, crops, stools. And at the age of five I was able to pull some foods to a lonely old lady from the neighboring yard, she worked in my kindergarten as a babysitter and loved me very much. The parents found out when the notary called them. My grandmother died by rewriting her apartment to me.

Listened

Miracles of Economy. We are told that the Russian economy has slowed. Oh fuck to fuck! He stood still and suddenly slowed down.! to

Sometimes you need to be very different to introduce a rule after your actions. The guys on Reddit shared their outings, and I chose the most interesting and translated for you. A pleasant reading!



1st In high school we had a drug project, and we had to prepare a presentation about a drug. It was also necessary to briefly tell about where and how it is produced (well there, grown or in the factory). But I was a little misunderstood how detailed this part needs to be revealed. In short, I spent almost an hour telling first-class students in detail how to make black heroin, supplementing my story with a presentation in PowerPoint. After my speech, they removed this task from the project.



2nd We had an unlimited coffee for employees at work. I worked for 3 weeks and a sign appeared near the coffee maker stating that one employee should not have more than 3 cups of coffee a day. P.S At the time, I was stuck, so I could only drink coffee. I drank 8 to 12 cups a day.



Three “From now on, men are allowed to wear business shorts in the office.” It was previously forbidden to come in shorts, but nothing was said about shirts. I had to come to the kitten one day and the rules changed immediately.



4 is When I was 12, I discovered the charms of masturbation. And like all the boys of that age, once I tried, I decided not to stop and trembled as soon as the opportunity appeared. One day, my father took me and my sisters to a hotel with a jacuzzi pool that was accessible directly from our room. It was already quite late, about 23 hours, shorter close to closing. I was sitting alone in the jacuzzi, all the curtains were stuck. And I thought - the perfect place and time to swing.  When I finished, I saw a hotel employee approach the pool, and he calmly asked me to return to the room because the pool was already closed. I left hoping I wasn’t caught in what I was doing. The next day, the jacuzzi was closed because a child supposedly sneezed in it and now there was a sink (no, it could have happened in principle, but I knew it could also be my fault). Somewhere after 1-2 months we stopped at the same hotel again and I found that the list of rules was added: "Don't masturbate in the jacuzzi." The fact is that the 12-year-old didn’t think I could have surveillance cameras in the pool, so yes... it was very uncomfortable.



5 is  In the vineyard where we celebrated our wedding, we are no longer allowed to celebrate weddings.



6 is “Students are prohibited from organizing, advertising, playing, watching or otherwise participating in any form of rammi (*card game), blackjack, Texas holdem, 5/7 card ctade (*stad - a type of poker), пай goo (*also a type of poker) or poker during the lunch break. Poker chips and cards are prohibited in school unless required for specific, pre-approved events or projects. Violation of this rule may result in exclusion and application to law enforcement for illegal gambling. “It was in high school, decades ago. Our first (and last) annual Texas Hold’em tournament, presented at Jr’s Bait Shop, was a stunning success.



7 is  In the library appeared a sign that states what is allowed and what is forbidden to do on the computer. And all because I enviously persistently restarted the comps of noisy children.



8 is Students were forbidden to jump out of the windows. 



9 is In my past job, I was crumbling indicators, and I was threatened that I should be stressed or I would be fired. But from my point of view, under the current procedure, the indicators requested could not be achieved. It turned out that I was right. Everyone agreed with me, but no one decided to make an offer. People simply continued to do as they did, then they simply adjusted the results of the system records, which created the appearance of the effectiveness of the working rules. I decided, fucking, that I would be fired anyway. And I documented everything I did in my own way, in the smallest details, and this proved: my option significantly accelerates the process. Eventually, I was set on fire, I provided my work, as well as evidence that the rest of the staff were engaged in the snooping. As a result, I was asked to clean up the processes in the entire department, I found numerous shortcomings and loss of efficiency in the processes that we implemented earlier, in order to speed up everything in times. I was also appointed to be responsible in a special "curator" department, which was not covered by the rules. We were given a blank card to fulfill our high priority tasks. Eventually I moved to another unit, but my method still works.



10 is  When I was in the 4th grade, we had a museum of wax figures in our school. We dressed like historical figures and performed with a presentation. My friend got to be Harry Houdini and he had bracelets. Since we’ve been there for decades, we’ve decided to binge and my friend has chopped the bracelets on me. And it was not a cheap plastic scarf, but real metal bracelets. In short, I got stuck, and three people tried to free me with a pumpkin knife. My sister later said that when they had this event, the use of handcuffs was banned. Thank you, Nathan, for arresting me then.



11 is Don’t sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” while working with a swab. The rule was born in public works.



12 is It is forbidden to bring tarantules to school.



Thirteen When I was in elementary school (class 2nd) I wanted to go to the toilet, but I was in a music class and the teacher sang under the guitar. But I still decided to approach her and go to the toilet, she was somehow upset. And from that moment on, she constantly reminded us not to go to the toilet while she was singing. I just didn’t want to get rid of it, lady.

You can’t wipe a person’s feet and wait for him to wipe your tears.

© Dmitry Sviridov

Postal Marks That Were Not In The Catalog

When I was a child, there were postcards in almost every home. These times were late in the summer, and now there is only one philatelist among the acquaintances. But what! If Tartakovsky from the Odessa Stories of Isaac Babel was called "a half Jedi", then Edik can safely be called "a half philatelist".

It can be a long story about him, but I will limit myself to one fact from his difficult life. He refused to go to Germany with his wife and children, because “Russian and Soviet marks are not needed there.” Since then, he has lived alone behind the massive steel doors of his Donetsk apartment. We talk to him via Skype several times a year. I call to see if he is alive or not. He calls when something is needed.

Last time I called a week ago. He urged me to send a thousand dollars. He said he would return two and a half in three months.
“Why do they ask you, I ask, to buy back from the chakras?
"No," he says, "there is a possibility to take two sheets of the 69-year Brežnev marks. No one knows exactly how much they are worth, but a thousand is iron. One sheet I will keep for myself, another I will sell in Moscow for five, and we will divide them in half.
Seven and a half thousand to you and a half to me is half? And I risk the money.
Okay, let you have two. And then I risk my life. It’s me going through the blockposts.
After five minutes, we gathered for two and a half and, having finished the earthly, moved to the highest:
What is the Brežnev Mark? I have never heard of such.
I could never hear. This brand is not even in the catalogue.
It does not happen.
It happens. Listen to here! Leonid Ilyich met with front friends twice a year. Not for the picture on TV, but for myself. Once, one of his friends complained that he had written a letter to the address: “Moscow, the Kremlin, L. I. Brezhnev personally,” and the answer did not come. Brežnev instructed the secretary to find out. The next day, the secretary that among the thousands of letters sent to the Secretary-General, one could have been lost. Therefore, for private correspondence, Leonid Ilyich will have a special address consisting only of a postal code and a box number. Like a defense factory. No names, no names. The new address will be notified to all persons on the list of friends. The reverse address of Leonid Ilyich will also not look so noticeable. Brejnev liked the idea and he even developed it: he asked to print a stamp with his portrait, so that it was immediately clear from whom the letter.

Why is the envelope not ready?
I have no idea. Probably forgot that there are such... So, the mark was printed in a printing of not 500, not 1000 copies. Since then, Leonid Ilyich on every personal letter pleased to paste "his" mark, sealed it and passed it to the secretary. The ordinary mail, of course, did not go. The address was delivered by the KGBeshnik and transferred to the opening and reading. After reading, it was removed under a signature on non-disclosure, sealed in a special package and sent to the archive. There these letters lie to this day... along with the marks. Cute philatelists know about them, but no one has them.

Where did they sail from?
“These two blocks of 10 marks were taken by an officer who commanded the cleaning of the Brezhnev cabinet after his death. He thought it was ordinary marks and took it for his son. His son did not like them, and he changed them with his classmate. In the summer, the classmate was sent to Mariupol to his grandfather - a philatelist, he took with him the marks he collected for the year. Grandfather was a small collector, but like any Greek, he had a good smell and developed sense of danger. In short, the brands, which did not appear in the catalogue, he took from his grandson and told only a few friends about the finding. I know this story from one of them, the earth is puffy to him. My grandfather died this spring, he was almost 100 years old. The heirs for the entire collection want a thousand dollars. The rest is probably rubbish, but this is a case where it is not worth negotiating.

How do you know they are not fake?
Paper, stamp, glue and toothpaste. A brand is a product of technology, everything must correspond to time and place. I am an expert in this. According to the story, this is a colorful vinyl portrait. In the photo I received it was exactly like that.
Can you take a photo of me?
“Simply,” said Edick and dropped off.

After two days of reflection, I was almost ready to risk my blood. Anyway, the extra money has not bothered anyone. The matter was small: something in the picture confused me, but what exactly I could not understand. On the third day I woke up in the middle of the night, opened Wiki’s article “Brezhev’s Prizes” and read that “Serp and Hammer” he received in 1961, the first “Golden Star” – in 1966, and the second – even ten years later in 1976. So, I said to myself, the third star on the 1969 mark can not be, somebody pairs a foul, my affair is on the side. With a light movement, he dropped a heavy load of doubts from his shoulders and instantly fell asleep.

Before, when I was told that Soviet education was the best in the world, I began to argue. Now I will be silent. I will not tell you that the knowledge of Brejnev’s biography, obtained not only for free, but also largely forcibly, can save you a thousand full-weight U.S. dollars. No one will believe it anyway.

P.S Gentlemen of Philadelphia! Specifically for you I posted the image of the “brand” at https://abrp722.livejournal.com/ in my Live Journal. You can go there, you can just press “Source”. You will also be offered the Brezhnevskaya-69.

Judging by Miller’s and Sechin’s salaries, only these two thought giants have the secret of extracting oil and gas from Russian subsoil. Disappear tomorrow these two titans, and with them this sacred knowledge will be lost forever.

I got my ears sick on vacation. They were put on the plane. A few weeks of treatment and this morning the hearing returned to me. As my body gradually got used to this condition, my hearing worsened. The alarm ringed louder than ever. In the car I heard a suspicious noise, people around were talking too loud, and I felt some discomfort from all this. And I remembered the story that happened to my fellow man many years ago.

At the end of the winter, Olya gradually began to lose hearing. Every day it got worse. In May, she had already re-written all of my lectures, because she just didn’t hear the lectures. And the conversation on the phone consisted of the phrases: A? Could it be louder?

Eventually, Olya enrolled with an otolaryngologist on Friday, after school.

On Monday, Olya all the first couple chews and rubs her eyes. Did you walk well yesterday? And here she tells:

“I went to the doctor on Friday, I complain that I don’t hear anything. He slips into my ear with some instrument and I feel, he begins to pull something out. I panicked that he found it in my ear. He also pulled into the second ladder. From there it pulls! and all. I hear. I hear it!! The doctor asks me: - and how long have you been walking with tampons in your ears? Judging by their condition for several months. And here it comes to me. On the winter holidays I went to visit my grandmother, where I fell ill. The temperature is high, the throat hurts and the ears start shooting. My grandmother called me. The doctor put something in my ears, told me to take it out in the evening. I took out the cotton, which was on top, and the turundos themselves with the medicine were there. I’ve been with them for almost half a year.

We laughed a long time. The joke happened.

Doctor, I hear badly.

Did you try to remove the watt from your ears?

I ask :

Why did you not sleep? Return of hearing?

No is no! Just now I hear so well that I can't sleep, then the water drops from the crane, then the neighbors on top walk. You just don’t know how the pigeons fall!

Xxx: My brother’s father brought my brother to the garden for the New Year’s tree in shorts and a maid for a masquerade. I thought it was shorts and nothing bothered him that around the kids in costumes danced. Then, when the photos showed my mother almost caught a heart attack.

Yyy: T-shirts and t-shirts are the "Batya" costume, it's okay.)

Once my mother got sick and my father had to go to the meeting.

he was sitting for an hour at the meeting of another class, gave money and came happy that there were no claims to his child.

In connection with the fact that mathematicians approached the solution of the formula for calculating retirement savings, the PFR is forced to change it.

The words of a friend.

My wife and I decided to give our daughter to Mat. school in Petrograd. There was before such, not quite of course maths school, but mathematics was taught well. I took my daughter to an interview, and she was 6 years old. The questions were easy, she answered everything correctly. Then the teacher asked her the last question:
Imagine you have an apple, with branches of apples on it. On one branch 7 apples, on the other - 8, on the third 9. How many apples in an apple?
The girl, without thinking, says, is 24.
The teacher wondered how she thought.
- Well, I took one apple from the third branch, weighed on the first, and three times eight will be 24.
This interview ended.

The teacher takes me to the side and begins, - your child is of course weak, maybe our school will not suit her, but... and herself, rubbing her fingers reflexively, as if she was already counting the money. I understood what she wanted, and, confidently looking in her eyes, I said:
In fact, she has just developed Gauss’s method of finding the sum of a series. So you’re right, maybe your school doesn’t fit her.

My daughter, by the way, was taken. Maybe I’m going to complain.

The President of Estonia declared that for the Estonians the Second World War ended in 1994. I once thought stories about slow Estonians were all jokes!

The words of a friend. My wife and I decided to give our daughter to the mat. School in Petrograd. It was there before, not exactly Matt. School, but mathematics taught not bad. I took my daughter to an interview, and she was 6 years old. The questions were easy, she answered everything correctly. Then the teacher asked her the last question:

Imagine you have an apple, with branches of apples on it. On one branch 7 apples, on the other - 8, on the third 9. How many apples in an apple?

The girl, without thinking, says, is 24.

The teacher wondered how she thought.

- Well, I took one apple from the third branch, weighed on the first, and three times eight will be 24.

This interview ended.



The teacher takes me to the side and begins, - your child is of course weak, maybe our school will not suit her, but... and herself, rubbing her fingers reflexively, as if she was already counting the money. I understood what she wanted, and, confidently looking in her eyes, I said:

In fact, she has just developed Gauss’s method of finding the sum of a series. So you’re right, maybe your school doesn’t fit her.



My daughter, by the way, was taken. Maybe I’m going to complain.

She told the story of a colleague after a vacation in Samarkand to relatives (she and her husband are Russian). by her words.

Her husband went, let’s call him Ivan, to the market for watermelon, he was immediately warned that it was not possible to take the price offered by the seller because they are accepted to trade and the price can be cut down at the proper scale almost twice. At the same time, he has to say that he is local from another city otherwise the price will break.

He went to a barbecue store. The seller said that watermelons cost 17 p (a colleague for our convenience said all prices in rubles).

Ivan was very surprised that watermelons in Uzbekistan are more expensive than in Russia (we now have about 9-12 p / kg). A funny trade began. We agreed for 10 r.

But when Ivan offered the seller to weigh the watermelon, something happened.

In general, it turned out that watermelons in Uzbekistan are sold in pieces and the price was for watermelon. And Ivan thought that the price was per kg.

I once picked up a wanderer, it was beautiful and young, the hair was long and curly. It looked like a plush mouse. But it was p*z*c! It was impossible to keep him in the house. I don’t know how much fluid he had, but he targeted everything! A table, oven, refrigerator, bed, wallpaper, door - everything! There were no dogs in the house before. He was driven out to live in a booth, he and his booth methyl, and the bed on which he slept. Then a wild thing began! He sits in the corner of the courtyard and waits for hours! You call him and he’s zero attention. He went away full and cuddled. Then he began to sneeze endlessly. If he does not sneeze, he sneezes. Then he started fucking eating. The cat will meet, buried, and this straight immediately digs and eats! I went to the veterinarian and I was told that his head was not fine. I thought all my life to suffer with him I will, but the fate thanked) near the aunt lived, she was not all home when they met - it was love at first sight) still live together) 7 years has passed! This whispers endlessly, and the one on the tubes in the house with a hammer, the rat drives out. Happy End, Bl. After that, I do not take dogs from the street, only cats.

Xxx: I have a wife in my virginity - Long, so my friends called me "Long Job".

Yyy: I have a friend whose wife in her virginity had the name Babko. Clickuka Babkoeb forever now with him.

When I was in school, one newspaper held a competition for funny surnames, but it was necessary not only to send a surname, but a copy of the passport, certified by a notary. A woman sent her story. When she was a virgin, she married a man named Invaluable, and in every quarrel he told her, “Silence, Invaluable, I have made you invaluable.”