bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №118528
 17.09.2015
and kissing
As far as I remember, if you know the CVV along with the card number, then steal money from this card is like not doing. And if I still know my name, surname, age, e-mail and the validity date of the card - I would think sharply about this form, and I would refuse sharply to fill in something there. There is always a separate postal index.

Alexander Myodov
You have just revealed to all of us a little-known fact: the data that is typically entered in the form for entering payment data allows you to make a payment!

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №118527
 17.09.2015
of St Petersburg.

In the Russian police for a long time decided where to place a transvestite - in a female or male SIZO.
There was a risk that "camera companions may not resist such beauty."In the end, despite the fact of storing drugs in a large amount, the detainee was released home, taking a subscription for non-exit from him.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №118526
 17.09.2015
Transmission "How it's made?" ("How it works"), issue on the metro of St. Petersburg. Workers are collecting huge elements of the tubing of the underground tunnel under construction. The text of the rector behind the frame: "...and now they carefully grab the details with the screws".
And on the screen at this time, the worker's plumage, cheering joyfully, with all the hardship cheats a squat on the bolt.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №118525
 17.09.2015
Updated Yandex Navigator. Now they have a voice set, like Google, everyone knows what to say Okay Google to make it work. With Yandex it’s easier, you just have to say "Yandex" – and it opens the voice set. But we live in Russia, as much as I did not say, I did not shout "Yandex!!!" is not included Eventually "Sly-y-ish, Yandex" - the voice set immediately turned on. A Russian navigator.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №118524
 17.09.2015
Warsiq: Yes, and there is no such thing as two methods of multiple inheritance resolution.
BlackCat: In fact, the OOP can also be implemented on the assembler. Only that makes no sense. So if there is nothing in the piton, then there is no need.
Diff: for example, compatibility between versions. Who needs it yet?

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №118523
 17.09.2015
The IBM Conference.
75 terabytes of data are generated every day.
Comrade quietly: because stupid puzzles photograph their breakfast

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №118522
 17.09.2015
From The Stranger:

He listened beautifully again. The uncle who stood next to me spoke so loudly and expressively on the phone, telling me about the construction of some object, that I was almost stifled by the fury and laughter when I heard the following phrase:
And give this fool that I will not pay for the hospital. You should have invented, to arrange a fence on the gasoline!


[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №118521
 17.09.2015
XXX: The courier now easily and unforcedly brought under his mouse a closet in a flat package, as if it was a folder with papers. The closet weighs 23 kg.
YYY: In his free time, he wears a mask, a strange suit and saves mankind.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №118520
 17.09.2015
Thieves and thieves, you are the shit!! I can’t call it normal now ?

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №118519
 17.09.2015
“Now the barrel decorates the top of the Elbrus and is part of the monument installed on it.”

“No, no... But you’d probably want to know where I got the clavecin from. Imagine it was taken by the alpinists. They set a record and pledged to drag onto our mountain clowns. There are a lot of unexpected objects at the top. The mountaineer thinks to climb up to us on a motorcycle and here we have a motorcycle, although damaged... Guitars are hit, bicycles, busts are different, anti-aircraft guns... one recordman wanted to climb on a tractor, but the tractor did not break, and he scattered the asphalt slide. If you could see how he suffered with this catch! How I tried! But he didn’t get anything, he didn’t get to the snow. Fifty meters did not reach, or we would have had an asphalt slide.

[ + 16 - ] Comment quote №118518
 17.09.2015
This

Stop chasing the buttocks!! This is a quiet bedroom area. And if you light up the road with an iPhone, you can be robbed in any area.

Good attempt, but no...

[ + 29 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №118517
 17.09.2015
I got those caring stuff. Then take gloves, then do not lie long in the sun, then parachute on the day...

[ + 16 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №118516
 17.09.2015
xxx: What is the difference between “Software Developers” and “Software Developers” in your test?
YYY: A software developer develops software, and a programmer makes cupcakes and downloads toys to the tablet of Aunt Pasha’s daughter

[ + 17 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №118515
 17.09.2015
The greatest amount of shit in the head accumulates after regular brainwashing.

Joseph of Egypt

[ + 38 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №118514
 17.09.2015
VITJA (part one)
October 1993, the second change. It’s dark and coming home from school is dark. Six lessons end around 19, at this time the city is already sinking into darkness. The road to the house takes 15 minutes through the park. It was a good city park, but some entrepreneurial citizen decided to organize a landfill on its edge. It slowly expanded, attracting homeless dogs to its territory. 
Or you could have walked around, but then the road would take 30 minutes. 
I was a 8th grade student, Vitka Ivanov, returning home. It was cold from the recent rain. Heavy clouds were hanging in the sky. I wanted to get home sooner, my mother promised not to be late. My mom cooked my favorite potatoes today. It was a very strong incentive. Based on these thoughts, I was plagued by doubts about going through the park or walking around the road. If I run along the road to circumvent the park, then at my speed of running I will have time to the promised time. But then I sweat and, as usual, sprinkled the dirt from the back of my pants. My mother will be telling me that I will have to wash my school clothes again and dry them at noon. My mother did not want to be upset. 
If you choose the road through the park, then there is a risk of encountering the hooligan Kolka and his friends. Kolka has been engaged in boxing for six months and markedly excavated, demonstrating in every way his superiority in strength over others. His friends had no idea of themselves, but they were four, and together they were dangerous like a bunch of wild chakras. 
Of course, you could just run through the park and save a lot of time. But again, the pants will be dirty, and the mother will be upset.
With these thoughts I approached the gates of the park. I had to decide...
I waited a moment and walked into the open gates of the park. Not that I made a clear decision, just as if someone had pushed me into the park gate.
It was darker in the park than in the street, there were almost no lights here. The lonely lamp that lit the exit from the park was not visible from here. I knew all the paths of this park and could walk with my eyes closed. All summer, my friends and I ran here and bathed in the fountain. Here I knew everything, the park was like a native, but at the same time there was a threat in its depths.
I ran through the park. I listened in the hope of hearing the conversations of Kolka and his friends. I thought if I heard it, I would go around them behind the fountain, and there was not far from the exit. Even if they decide to run after me, they are unlikely to catch me. In school, I ran on the same level with 10 classes and ran on all running competitions from school.
I ran and listened... my breath was smooth, I knew how to breathe so as not to be knocked down.
And then something unexpected happened, I stumbled on something, and flew forward with my nose. After releasing the diplomat, I put my hands forward to avoid falling into dirt... I heard a whistle behind my back. 
I stood up, and turned around to see what interrupted my run, and saw the rugging Kolka and his chakals. 
These villains stretched a thick fishing trail on the trail. And so amused watching the fall of the lonely passers. My fall brought them great pleasure. I actually fell effectively. He flew forward 3 meters and splashed into the dirt.
“Fuck,” I whispered, but apparently I did it loud enough. The chakras stopped roasting and moved toward me. 
“I’m breaking your nose now,” the leader exclaimed. I am not so lucky. I didn’t have time, and I started from place to place. Picking up my diplomat on the way, I ran, there was urine. Thoughts rolled in my head. The calculation was this: a sharp rush, then into the bushes, and through them to the house. It was scary. My heart was beating like crazy. Pulse was down. The persecutors remained behind. I turned up. He ran away without knowing the roads. Some unknown force kept me away from my persecutors.
When I stopped and listened, I realized that the persecutors were backward. Well, you can go out on the road of the park and move home. I looked at the clock. It was 19.07. I succeed. He came out of the bushes. At the next moment I flew to the ground from a strong blow in the face. The blood went through the nose. I didn’t see who did it, but I realized that it was Kolka who tracked me and tricked me.
Chakras fell upon me and began to pin. The strikes were weak, but there were many, and not all of them I had time to defend myself with a diplomat, which I used as a shield. One of the villains tried to take the clock away from me, but at that moment someone cried out. “Go away from him!” A man was screaming. 
The hooligans went out...
I also got up and ran.
I didn’t want any of my neighbors, and they went here enough, to see me beaten. Tears and insults. My nose hurt. Probably really broken. I ran away without knowing the way. My feet took me somewhere. I’ve forgotten about the time and about the potatoes. It was not so painful as it was offensive that I could not resist these wickednesses. When I was able to stop, I realized that I was running out to the edge of the park, where there was now a laundry. I stood up and looked at the clock, it wasn’t there. Still removed it. The tears came back into my eyes again.

The Dog (Part Two)
How hard it is to live alone in the world when you are a homeless, homeless cowboy. Everyone is trying to choke you or just drive you out. No matter what you go, you lie, there will be someone you interfere with. And it's good if they just scream, or even throw a stone or heat a rod if you don't turn around.
Food is also tight. All the washes are occupied by other clusters, and there is no possibility to stick to them. The only way out is to try to strain other dogs or drive cats out of the food that their grandmothers bring to them.
I’ve always wondered if cats are better than dogs. And why they are so loved by the grandmothers who sit at the entrances, and we are simply hated for some reason. What are the benefits of cats? So what’s good about it? It hurts and hurts. And I can also whistle, and whistle with my tail, and whistle, if necessary, and protect. [Only] a defender of myself now, three days have not eaten anything. But if I were fed like cats, I would, oh how, protect!

This is how he walked and thought about an unnatural dog without a name. He had no name to be given to anyone, because no one needed him. He walked around the city from laundry to laundry, from house to house, trying to find something to eat. He caught rats. He took food from the cats, if, of course, there were no people nearby, and pulled snacks from garbage tanks.
Apparently he was a great gentleman. Beautiful color with flames, good brown eyes, ears, the tips of which hanged a little. And a special pride is the puffy tail. But the rapper, stuck in the wool of the tail, concealed all its beauty. Probably, if he was washed and chested out, he would be quite a nice dog, but his wool was broken down and he didn't look very good. In addition, it was also purchased by apartment owners (BLOGS). 

Where to eat, maybe in the park? There, if you steal from the side of the street, you can snatch something until the local dogs have heard. Although if they learn, you can break across the road, they will not escape there. And even more cleverly - to give a circle around the park, to lead the locals on the bushes, to get away from them, and while they are looking for me, to scratch to the pile, and there to scratch some good piece. 
My thoughts and an empty stomach led me to my goal. But not everything was as good as I thought. From the side of the street, a bunch was filled with construction garbage, and getting something out of it was unrealistic. The only move left was to go to the park... “Hunger is not a aunt, or like people there,” I thought and stumbled into the park. It was dark and quiet in the park. The smell of the laundry tempted me more and more... By the smell I heard, there is something to live out there... When I came to the nearest bushes, I stood up and listened. Local dogs walked near me. Madonna, it’s not very good. Either to die of hunger, or to risk. And I risked. I came out of my shelter, and immediately three pairs of evil eyes stumbled upon me. The Local. 
I rushed back, hoping to break away, but apparently my dog guardian angel took a vacation that day, and everything went wrong. 
I stuck with the confused hair of the tail behind the bush of the bush and stood up like a buried. The bush holds tight. At that moment, the teeth of my persecutors hit me. I resisted as much as I could and even more. I protected my skin and my life. The forces were on the side of the locals. That bush holds me. At some point in the fight, I broke out of the chain of the bush and was able to fully defend myself. But the side, leg and neck were procured. I was losing blood, and my strength was diminishing every moment... “Well, this is probably all,” the thought came.


Victor and the Dog (Part 3)
“The frogs! The clock was removed,” I thought.
And then from the thoughts of the lost hours I was distracted by the noise of a dog fight. I looked out of the bushes and saw three dogs bite the fourth. This dog, of course, resisted, but apparently, the forces were unequal, and the dog suffered enough, as he shrugged. The falling leaves around the dogs were in blood. The realization that a little more and the dog will end came instantly. Without thinking for a second, I threw my diplomat into the dogs. He struck one of the attacking dogs, and she, bored, jumped back. And I lifted up a great stone from the ground, and healed another. A throw, a precise hit in the head, a whisper, and the dog is taken into the dark. The other two dogs stopped to figure out what had happened. I didn’t waste a precious fraction of a second. The stick nearby was already in my hands. And I ran to the dogs, raising my weapons over my head.

Where one of the attackers fled, I never understood, but something or someone forced him to flee the battlefield. Two other attackers froze, looking at the sides. I also raised my face and saw a 14-year-old boy running to us. He had a stick in his hand. And he cried so loudly that my opponents crushed my tails. I didn’t wait long, but stuck in the throat of the nearest offender. Immediately they were hit by the city. I was too weak to squeeze my jaw, and so the opponent broke out and, proclaiming the night with screams, fled into the dark. His companion followed him.

“Stand still you! Do not hold! I will not hurt,” I said to the dog, examining his wounds. “Wow... they’re serious about you... no, you’ll survive... you can go?” I tied my leg with my nose cloth and walked away from the dog, watching him hold on his legs... he was standing, a little wandering. “Bad... you want it.”
“You shouldn’t eat, you shouldn’t eat!” “Well, I hear, you have bread with oil in your diplomat,” the dog thought, smelling the food.
“Listen to! I have bread with oil! “Will you?” I got a sandwich from the diplomat. I ate cheese from it at school, but I didn’t eat bread. I opened the bag and gave the dog food.
The dog, without thinking, took and began to chew. He handled the bread very quickly and looked at me, as if asking, “Is there another piece?”
“No, friend, there’s nothing more,” I replied to his silent question. “Let us go with me. I’ll ask my mother something for you.”
The conversation was interrupted by the noise of steps. My heart went back to his heels again: Did Colca and his chakras find me? 
“The dogs are back,” the dog whispered in his head, and the wool on the stitch rose. The dog cried.
“Hold the dog,” a man’s voice heard. 
I swallowed the dog and took him for a hole. The dog clung to his foot. “Who could this be?” I thought, and the next moment I saw a man coming up on us.
You are running fast! Elijah has caught.
Why did you catch me? I was surprised.
It was I who frightened the hooligans who beat you. How are you? Have you been heavily removed? 
“Yes, I think not,” I replied. The nose was broken and the clock removed.
These these? The man gave me my clock.
and yes! I was surprised. Did you catch them? 
“No,” he smiled. “They dropped them, when they ran, I raised them. Let me look at my nose. is normal. not broken. What about the dog? 
Local people beat him. He probably came to their territory, I replied.
“You eat, you know everything,” the dog thought. A bold guy. I would like such a master. This guy is nice, you can see it in his eyes. And also from him the dog smells home, it means good.”
Did you get rid of the dogs? I protected him, right? The young man! A worthy man’s deed, praised the stranger. By the way, what is your name? I am Sergey. It is easy, Uncle Seresh.
“And me, Vicia,” I answered modestly.
You are not Victor, you are Victor. Sergey said. Your name means “Winner.” You are the winner today.
“I don’t have a name,” the dog thought and cried out. 
– Okay, Uncle Sereza... I’ll go... or maybe a lot of time... my mother is probably worried... I’m still getting stuck for my dirty clothes. 
Let’s go, I will accompany you. Where are you living? I asked Serge. 
In that five-storey blue color. 
We are neighbors, we live in the neighborhood.
“I’ll probably go for a walk with you,” the dog decided. It’s safer to get out of the park.”
We headed out of the park. The dog ran after us, squeezing a little on the front leg. A few minutes of silence. I thought what to say to my mom. She will be upset when she sees me. 
Why didn’t you fight the hooligans? I asked Serge.
There are so many, and I am alone. This boxer, this boxer, is very healthy. Immediately I get stuck,” I said and nodded my head. It was offensive and painful.
What are you doing, are you afraid of them? 
It goes so.
What are you afraid? 
- That the nose will be broken, that the clothes will be dirty, the blues will be instructed.
I broke your nose, and what next? Broke the nose, break in response! And fight as long as you can fight. Come out like your tail friend! You, out, for the dog on other dogs threw and knocked it off from them. These dogs are worse than hooligans. Huligans can only strike, and dogs can kill. You were not afraid and won. You see, out, he goes thankful for you, his tail flaps. It’s scary, not blue. It is terrible that then in front of yourself and people will be ashamed for not being able to protect yourself and your loved ones... Blacks, they will pass, but there is hardly any soul pain.
We talked to the house. 
“I live here,” I pointed to the entrance and saw my mother standing at the entrance. Mom looked awful.
“Thank you for spending,” I thanked Sergey and, hanging my nose, went to my mother. 
Where were you again? Like a dirty pig. Mother was annoyed.
“Don’t blame him,” Sergey went in. He acted like a real man today, he saved a friend from death. That’s what he said to the dog.
Mom shrugged her hands.
He is all in blood! Shake him like! She looked up and approached the dog. 
The dog wrapped his tail and licked his mother’s hand.
“Well, go home quickly,” said the mother. We looked at the dog.
What are you watching! Take a friend and take home. Let us treat him.
This is the dog’s happiness! I found a friend, and with him a house!” thought the dog.
“Thank you for having my son,” my mother thanked Uncle Serge.
Not for what. Every man would have done so,” he replied and went to his house.
My mom and I washed the dog at noon. He was shaved and treated his wounds. He ate almost all my mother’s potatoes. And clean, pleased, he slept on the old blanket that his mother laid.  And I took my old belt and made a dog collar.  The name was chosen by him. I think a good name. 
Bill was lying down and couldn’t believe his luck. He liked everything: the house, the food, and the masters. And his thoughts were such that for them he was willing to give his dog’s life.
And I was constantly thinking about Uncle Serge’s words. Why are you afraid of blue? Blue is not scary. And even a broken nose is not the same. It is terrible then to feel guilty before yourself, and there is nowhere to go from it.
Thus passed a week. Bim accompanied me and met me from school. We walked around the park together. One weekend I met my offenders. 
and AAAA! The Run! They were delighted. No where to run now!
They began to surround me. I whispered. Immediately at my feet, Bimm grew up and showed his flat beautiful white teeth.
“Bite the dog,” one of the chacals struck.
Kolya stood behind the back of his six.
“I’m not going to get rid of it,” I said and looked Cole in the eyes.
And as soon as our eyes met, I realized that he was afraid, and he was not cool, but just a coward. 
I took Bima for the necklace and we headed straight to Kola. The Chakras split up. Kolya began to stumble and, uncomfortable stumbling, sat in the dirt. Here the tears turned before his eyes, and he begged not to touch him, that his mother was whipping his dirty pants. He was so low and weak. 
Bob and I passed by him. I cheered in the shower.
“Here I used the master,” he rejoiced. 
We walked along the path, two loyal friends, who were so accidentally, or not, brought by chance and the city park.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №118513
 17.09.2015
To the note of the RPC: it turns out, Jesus did not have a SUV, he did not turn a fist, and he did not dress like a clown.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №118512
 17.09.2015
The Revenge says:

A criminal case was initiated against 40-year-old Irina Terehova, accused of giving bribery in the amount of 50 thousand. for her son to be taken into the army."

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №118511
 17.09.2015
<Christopher Robin> must be squeezed
<Datura Pyromonta> What, the fingers are interwoven? :D
Christopher Robin> Deoxyribonucleic acid. It is not) )

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №118510
 17.09.2015
Call to home. I take a phone. There a young man offers me (calling by name) to connect to an internet provider. They now have action and generally excellent conditions.
I am : me?? to
He is: you.
I am... no?
He is: Yes.
I: (after the break) And let’s go!
He was very pleased. I asked him to tell me again about their tariffs, terms of connection. What he gladly did. Then we discussed the convenient time for me of the master's arrival to wire the cable and connect. Then I wrote the address, the floor. Everything seems to have been agreed.
He had already wanted to hang the phone, but I said I had another, last question.
I: Tell me, and with the first cable, what will we do? And nothing that I have had a regular annual subscription with C...net over the last few years.
He said, “Are you already a subscriber to us?
I : Of course.
He: Thank you for calling.
I am :?? to
He hanged the phone.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №118509
 17.09.2015
Discussion at work how managers got the "white collars" of the management company in Moscow with their dumb queries, reports, etc. We came to the conclusion that Kutuzov was tired of this too at his time, the moment turned, he took advantage of it...

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna