I am a genius.
Do you joke? (I am joking)
I am joking (joke)

If you noticed your friend painting your nails, what would you react?

YYY: It is lightning!

Katya: My friend bought 3 liters of "live" beer. So it lived in him for 3 days...He even took the hospital.

When it comes to braking...
Recently I spoke to a friend and told about myself and my family. says the husband.
A year as a trolleybus driver. I slept badly, all the time.
dream on the brake crashes, broke the back of the sofa... so we recently new sofa
I bought it, without a backpack...I say – and he is probably screaming in his dream now?
She (confused): Yes, and how do you know?

xxx: I am sitting on a notepad and wondering why there is no headline in it
xxx with hyperlinks

I recently bought a new car.
The Fool...
Q: Do you know that we have gasoline in the area?
WOW: No
xxxh:parked means my tank close to the fence, in the morning I come - the car so carefully pulled off a meter 2 from the fence, gasoline slit... :D

How do you feel about my new hair color?
Good that it is not red.
HGH: Why is it?
Red without soul
If you wanted to fuck a red woman and she didn’t give you it doesn’t mean she’s without soul.

Russian rosettes are the best rosettes in the world! Not that my child, I will pull them out!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Is your member insured?
yyy (22:19) :
No is!
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It is bad))
yyy (22:21) :
I have to be insured.)
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Just like Jennifer Lopez 😉
yyy (22:22) :
Has Jennifer Lopez insured her member?
This is a good girl.

about the fires of the office of the Edinoross-finally, and you thought the ambassador phrases "fired the office of the one Russia-be a man, blow!" the ego will not be burned?)

I previously trained a team on CS 1.6, and we went to Omsk for competitions. The youngest was called Levi, and he often forgot to let his mother know about his departure.
We sit at night after the competition in the train, and I get a message from an unknown number: “I’m looking for a lion.” I found nothing to answer except "I buy an elephant" :D

After a hard day of work. I went to sleep with my wife. Then she said, “Will you be me?” I was somehow confused, she usually does not ask so cynically when she wants sex. Okay I say, I will. And she said, “No, you’re crawling in bed and waking me up!”

People are used to responding with good for good, but everyone is waiting, who will start first?

“Your fuel is running out.”

Flights to Nigeria usually followed the route.
Syktivkar-Sheremetyevo-Prague-Casablanca and Bamako-Kano In Casablanca it was a pleasure to spend the night, and in the morning there was a 4-hour, maximum range, throwing through the desert. And here is one of the crews, consisting of a great flight chief, a young second pilot flying abroad for the first time, a rarely flying overseas assailant and, thank God, a veteran of these flights - a flight mechanic, started for the adventures. They flew through Europe like on oil. Upon arrival in Casablanca, the assailant told the flight mechanic how much petroleum to fill for the flight to Bamako. And this figure was one and a half times less than the usual fuel. The on-board mechanic was surprised, but did not get into the subtlety of the calculation and poured, for every case, as usual, full tanks. Here it is necessary to explain: on the Tu-134 fuel system and its indication was probably invented to make the life of the crew as difficult as possible. The pilots were intrigued by its subtleties usually at the time of billing and immediately safely forgot until the next time. Only the boat mechanics knew the real tank. They also exhibited before the flight the amount of fuel poured on the "hours" - a spending meter with a clock-like index, which as the fuel was consumed, the indications were ticked back. His indication was and I understand. Another device, actually a fuel meter, showed the actual fuel in the tanks, but its indications were available only to the most talented pilots.

So, our flight mechanic exhibited the fuel calculated by the assailant on the "hours", and they flew unknown. Further from the words of the second pilot: When we were already in the middle of the desert, the assailant suddenly smoked (before this in smoking on board was not noticed)... He began to intensify something again, smoked again, gained courage and admitted that we do not have enough fuel... He, it turns out, when calculating forgot that it has to do with sea miles, not kilometers (all his previous international experience was in flights in the southern part of the country).
Bulgaria and, accordingly, calculations in kilometers). A mile is longer than a kilometer, roughly twice. Consequently the fuel. When re-calculating, it turned out that it would end, at best, at the start of the landing. There is no scene. The curtain... All together with the cold then about one thought: “Yes. and your mother!And, in front of the eyes, the picture of the ruins of the Tu-134 among the barkhans. The second pilot has another thought:
“Why are you killing? For the first time abroad, and I have not yet lived.
The commander from hopelessness still put the selector of the fuel meter, in which he still did not think of anything, and asked for a cigarette (previously never smoked)... In his head also flew the thoughts of the inevitable, though posthumous, shame, the washing of bones on the rounds, telegrams on measures to prevent such incidents, hanging in all the strike countries. And journalists will not even write that the crew drove the plane from residential buildings in the complete absence of those in the alleged place of fall.

The on-board mechanic gave them another ten minutes to enjoy the feelings of an imminent end and with the words "Your fuel has expired, now we fly on mine" put the "hours" on the actual number in the tanks...

To whom does a child look like?
For my father, of course.
You are stupid! The child should be like the husband.

The Peace! The work! May is! For the cat: Murr! The Track! The March!

I am looking for an epilator.
I: Mom, have you seen my vibrator?
Mother: No, the absence of a man will not lead to good!!! to

XXX: Did I leave you or did you leave me?
YYY: That’s not my question, okay?
XXX: I just don’t remember.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! to
XXX: by God
XXX: Who is this?

I have a suitcase with Kurt Cobain.

O_O with the body?

by IneSSa:
In the winter, I was standing on a crossroads, next to the car. Here in her back so carefully slightly touched another enters. The man who entered was probably frightened, and then dropped the brake and again just as lightly.
Here, from the first car, the driver rises up and cries to the second: "You are ashamed of what you are ashamed of, run out and fuck it right!"