bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №157913
 20.04.2022
I remember I didn’t like going to school at all. At work too. Something is wrong with this walk.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №157912
 20.04.2022
The daughter participated in a school event called "Smart and smart" between 5-6 classes (six teams). They went to the final with their fifth class, against the sixth class. Comes after the end upset, I ask:
Have you lost?
Not much of what we lost, so I also defeated the team.
It becomes clear - the final was held in the type of a flash survey - a question is asked, and time is given for discussion, who first pressed the button, he answers. For the correct answer plus a point, for the wrong answer minus.
I don’t know if it was intended, or if it really worked out, but the last question proved to be decisive: the points of the teams are equal, who will answer and win.
The child says, before asking the question was further announced, that since the question is decisive, it is "super complex, logically, with a star, etc. D is.”
The question was: Why does a man freeze when he comes out of the water?
I don't know how in the sixth, and in the fifth the child does not go through the physics, but because of his curiosity - counted, for his age knows a lot. So immediately, without discussing, I pressed the button and answered approximately the following:
When a person comes out of the water, there are drops on it, they begin to evaporate, and since for the transition of water from a liquid state to a gas, energy or heat is needed, the water takes this heat from the surface of the human body, cooling it, so the human body cools and it freezes. So if you wipe it out, you will hardly freeze.
Naturally, the daughter, confident in her rightness, began to expect at least praise for her knowledge, and received about the following:
“Well, you name, you invent stories, no, of course, that’s not the right answer...
The second team did not answer, but according to the rules of the competition, the child's team removed one point and they lost. In fact, her classmates did not condemn her daughter, but she herself believes that she deceived the team.
And now the "right" answer: Because there is no wind in the water, but on land!

P.s Explained to the child her rightness and returned faith in justice "harmful pizza" with "not less harmful pepsi".

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №157911
 20.04.2022
Do you want to visit the Museum of Soviet things and household?
Dad, I won’t go to the house anymore!

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №157910
 19.04.2022
The time of bread is over. The time of spectacle begins.

[ + 45 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157909
 19.04.2022
Once Yuri Nikulin went early in the morning to work and witnessed a terrible tragedy - a young woman and her six-year-old son were shot down by a car on a pedestrian crossing. Mother is dead. The boy was miraculously injured. He just pulled his hand out of his mother’s palm when he was on the road. The first thing that Yuri Vladimirovich did was to take off his jacket and cover it with the body of a woman, so that the boy did not see the outcast, blood-filled mother. Very quickly arrived the militia surrounding the scene, "ambulance", somehow firefighters, a huge crowd of people gathered. They all walked, walked, and discussed what had happened. Sometimes it turned out that without attention was left only a crying boy sitting on the side of the road. “Well how is it?” - thought Nikulin, came out of the crowd (militia seeing a famous actor to stop him did not just give the honor) and sat next to the boy. He comforted him as he could, gave him his red tie with the image of a bee, and then he took a taxi home to his grandmother.

On this day, Nikulin was appointed for a serious meeting with the Japanese delegation. Yuri Vladimirovich was naturally late. He was late for almost an hour and a half, and also entered the office without a jacket (the suit was purchased specifically abroad for protocol events), without a tie, in a white shirt with sleeves tied to the elbow. The head of the Tokyo delegation, Ito Kobayashi, and his colleagues regarded Nikulin’s appearance and delay as an insult, a violation of the protocol on which the Asians are stuck, and demonstrately left the circus.

It was only five years later that Kobayashi discovered the true reason for the late arrival of the Circus Director on the Colour Boulevard. Nikulin was invited to the Japanese capital by sending him a plane belonging to the company. In the office of Yuri Vladimirovich met seventy-eight low-worshipped Japanese without jackets, without cravings and in white shirts whose sleeves were wrapped to the elbow.

[ + 31 - ] [3 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157908
 19.04.2022
Many politicians have promised the Ukrainians that in the near future they will join the European Union.
Many promised, but only Putin kept their promises.
Even though he did not promise it.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №157907
 19.04.2022
I regularly conduct special operations to get rid of the old barrel. In strict secrecy, otherwise misery. My husband, an adult boy, is hysterical. Every stitched socks, every stitched shoe they are gently loved and will still be useful. For the sake of Barakhla, he easily changes his principles. One of them says: first buy new, then throw away the old. I could not break up with my old washing machine for a week. Let it stand in the corner, it doesn’t bother anyone. Suddenly it will be useful! I watched out the window who would take her. I’m afraid I’d kick off an unworthy candidate. But the washing machine safely disappeared under the cover of the night. Aaaah aaaah!

[ + 30 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157906
 18.04.2022
I sometimes dream at night as I joke, from the stage, in the company, everywhere. Then I wake up from my laughter. I think I should remember a joke, I will tell you in the afternoon. I wake up in the morning and remember nothing... and the grey kids don’t understand why I laugh at night.



I don’t know why you sleep with your kids.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №157905
 18.04.2022
On the one hand, a lonely person and complain to no one. On the other hand, not for whom.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №157904
 18.04.2022
Due to circumstances you can guess yourself, there was no internet access for several days. Therefore, it was not possible to send it to Space Day. So do not search.

After Gagarin's flight into space through the dioceses, a circular was passed for all priests: on the Sunday sermon it is necessary to say that the Soviet man Yuri Gagarin flew into space. He did not see God there. Archbishop of Alma-Atenas and Kazakhstan Joseph Chernov said: “The first Soviet man, Yuri Gagarin, visited space. He did not see God there. But God saw him and blessed him.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №157903
 18.04.2022
I recently went to a free hospital. The hammered doctor caught, prescribed a couple of medicines for the barrel and let go.
He decided to go to a paid hospital... He came to him. A polite, good-hearted, imposing man. I wrote, really, the same thing.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №157902
 18.04.2022
I went to a woman’s gynecological clinic. He looks into one of the offices.

There are two men in white coats, talking about something. Such strong men.

Hi to you!

Hi, hi to you!

I don’t feel an orgasm at all.

What do you say! Well, let’s try it out. The men tried. Trying

Yes, it does not come out. Try it too, it doesn’t work. Try Edak - nowhere

not suitable.

Yes, says one of them. You must appear to the doctor.

And you are who?! to

We are Malaria.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №157901
 18.04.2022
Xxx is w. Who was I in the store before? A boy, a boy, a young man. And now what? I stand in a line, a woman with her daughter approaches and says to her, "You are still following a man, and I will quickly run away and come back..." And I turn around, and there is no man behind me. That is strange!



Yyy: Grandfather, it’s a compliment to you.

[ + 33 - ] [10 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157900
 18.04.2022
I have a good friend who lives in Germany. I trust her, so I am sure it was so. Beyond her face.

I stand in a row to Tafel (the place where products are handed out for a symbolic fee to socially protected groups). It is necessary to say that the line has become significantly more recently due to the influx of Ukrainian refugees. I have no complaints, only sympathy. They speak Russian to each other, discuss domestic affairs, and have never heard of Russian German claims. Ordinary people, like everywhere.

Well, in fact - one another says - called yesterday to the neighbor, says that the Russian soldiers came, they wasted everything - your salts were taken from the basement, the irrigation system and the bicycle.

The second one asks her, is there any nonsense, Naphika? And the first - here and I think it's the fucking neighbor to his relatives or to the market dismissal. I am back, I am gone.

The Conclusion.

Marriage there is, but, as you know, the neighbor’s good is the most desirable. War will write it all.

The uncles are adequate. I wish them to come home as soon as possible and get it done.

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №157899
 17.04.2022
Fuck, when I was very small guided by all kinds of New Year's trees, the performances usually always ended with the question of Santa Claus: "Well, what will the children forgive grandmother Yagu / Koshcha / Karabas-barabas Y. T. D.? " (I need to emphasize)

I have always spoken NO! Because it is tired, every year the same, to forgive them and they will be tormented again in a year.

And once still managed to get the crowd, so as not to forgive grandmother Yaga, but the actors still twisted and forgave her again.

And then I realized that public opinion does not influence political decisions.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №157898
 17.04.2022
When there is war, take care of yourself and your loved ones and think with your head, not your ears.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №157897
 17.04.2022
DPS post at the entrance to Nerungri (Southern Yakutia), 2016. I go to a Toyota Sequoia with Moscow numbers, the car is loaded under the roof, there is a powerful mud rubber. A young man stops me. He checks the documents, goes by the car, wrinkles and asks, "Why did you get such a rubber? You came from Moscow and you think there are no roads in Yakutia?” I, inside, smile and say, “I don’t think, I know!” As a result, he demanded back the documents and spent half an hour browsing through all the bases, including, probably, Interpol, what a redis came to visit them. Nothing was found, very upset returned the documents and said: "I usually wait here in 2 days for the third. If you are an honest person, on the way back you will find me or my colleagues here and tell us that we have good roads, of course?” I had to agree and cuddle, hiding a smile. After a month and a half on the way back, the post was closed, and a dishonest man had to return. I did not leave a note.
In 2018, I ride the same car and the same rubber again. The road is empty, dark, the DPS post I pass around the hour of the night. On it, I am stopped by an elderly haishnik with obvious Caucasian roots, checks documents, asks to get out of the car. I get out of the car after four o'clock, I pull. He lights me in the face, and I sneeze. “Go to the post!” Opanki, why am I so violated that they are leading up to the post? I go after him. On the post, he points to the chair, gets a cake and pouches into a glass of tea. “Eat and drink tea.” I try to refuse – I crash into the steel look of a professional law officer. I drink and give cake, although it is delicious. “Are you in a hurry? “Where are you going to sleep?” No, I say, I am not in a hurry, I was gathering in the city in the cabin to pokemon and continue to drive on the star. “Clearly. I am on duty. In the corner we have a couch, go to bed, at 6 am I will raise you up. You are tired, I forbid you to drive in this state.” It was said in such a harsh, caring tone that he did not object, laying on the couch and perfectly pokemary until dawn. I got another cup of tea in the morning. While drinking, the haishnik asks me, "You were here two years ago, too?" I almost drowned with tea, I don't fige myself, I think the second year the local haishniki pastured me! I tell him about my meeting with the young man two years ago, about my work throughout Yakutia. The elderly man smiles: “I was waiting, all looked at your car, noticeable. I remember how a colleague told me two years ago about a similar car on mud rubber and everyone was upset that these Moscovites sit in their capital and think that there are no good roads anywhere else. You do not offend him, he is a good guy, just he from Nerungri in the car himself never left, other roads of our have not seen, and in our city they are really not bad! " I looked, I remembered the other Yakutia roads, on which in the summer after the rain, the fours on the cabin collapse, and I say, "You tell him that I, as an honest person, told you that in Nerungri the expensive are good, and the lane "Lena" has become good, but the rest of the roads are still waiting for their hour. And if he is also an honest man, he will agree!” He put off the apple and went on.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №157896
 17.04.2022
Two issues on the agenda today:
1st How to produce nails.
2nd Flight to Mars.
Since the nails we have learned to do, we immediately move to the second question.

[ + 31 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157895
 16.04.2022
No matter what kind of nation you are, it is important not to be a Nazi.

[ + 49 - ] Comment quote №157894
 16.04.2022
My mom is very good. In the 1990s, she hung on order to feed three children. She worked, planted a garden, and hanged at night to get on time. Once a aunt, the wife of my father’s brother, said that since my mother is well-trained, all her nephews should walk bound from head to foot. Mom was even confused. But my brother did not get confused and said that since my aunt is chasing a car for sale, we, her nephews, must always walk drunk.

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