From Habr.
Therefore, we will go from the most important limitation – the budget, determining that the main priorities for us are:

the integrity of the hands and legs of our colleagues;
integrity of equipment;
Minimum intervention in the budget.

Now it runs %username% and says that the first two points are confused by places.

As a child, in a sanatorium, my friend (not both hands) and I (not one leg) caught and beaten a guy who was constantly clinging to us because of his disability, and was generally a ugly guy. My friend beat my feet, I beat my hands. I always remember this case when they talk about working in a team.

Eximer laser for vision correction

xxx: I wonder, but how do such lasers test, exactly on whom? Who will voluntarily agree?
Have you seen bombs in your glasses?
XXX: No
YYY: This is...

to this:

This is no lie. In a child's New Year gift, a candy is called "The Bite of a Woman". I read it 10 times and thought something was wrong with my eyes. It’s called a woman’s bite.

The Volgograd factory. I want to look at the poor man who gave birth to this. Man, is it so bad?

Ask about the names of sweets. The Union of Confectors (Babaevsky and others with them) took and patented names in many recipe sweets. That is, before there was one single recipe for the production of sweets and they were made from Kaliningrad to Vladivostok. And now they can’t be called so – patented. And they are sending out to all confectionery factories a ban on the manufacture of sweets that could previously be made. The case goes to court. This is what they call “Woman’s Bite” and “Man’s Tear” – they were not patented. Excellent candy if anything. :)

Windows falls because it is placed on the edge of the hard disk.

There was a young man in my house who wanted to learn to play electric guitar. It would be better for him to ask for the music of Santa Claus, rather than an electrocu. He had conversations with him and the tenants themselves, and the local, he was cut off electricity in the shield regularly, and the shield itself was twice crushed with a spade (not me). But only after the second time he moved to rehearse on the roof of his grandmother's house on the outskirts. You can’t get rid of art with anything!

Meanwhile in China: An official in charge of building demolition work in the Chinese city of Zhengzhou has been fired after a bulldozer struck the walls of a local hospital on Tuesday, the state television of the People's Republic of China. Doctors and patients escaped, and several bodies from the morrow were buried under construction garbage. The city authorities were accused of violating security equipment. Police are conducting further investigations. The Huizhi district administration earlier explained in a statement that the computer tomography office and the morge were located on the ground allocated for the expansion of the road. According to the authorities, they asked the hospital several times to demolish part of the building on its own, and evacuated patients on Friday before the demolition began. The incident has sparked a wave of outrage in China, where forced demolition of houses is a common phenomenon.

A long time ago we had a patient from someone very “above.”

Broken neck, 50 years old. Her fun was not to remove the bad finger from the selector, endless complaints and “up” calls. Throwing the ship with the shit into the incoming medical staff, pouring food on the floor. We all wrote a complaint on her and transferred her to another department. The selector was cut off for a while. There was no one to give up the shit and she decided to go out into the corridor...and broke her second thigh.

Recently remembered. As a child, my brother and I noticed that my grandfather had broken pants between his legs. We were 6-7 years old then. I asked why so. He said for ventilation. After an hour, all the pants were cut between the legs for ventilation. We haven’t had such trends for a long time.)

In the past work there were two adjusters with the names of Rabbits and Wolves. The chief always sent them together in command and called the eyes of the "Now the weather".

You may want to talk to me tonight, but I am not.
Evgeny: I will communicate with the generator and the battery tonight
I wonder what you will tell each other.
Evgeny: They will be silent, and I will be silent.

Feeding of other animals
One of my friends in student youth moved to my aunt when she left. And my aunt had a spaniel, which was to be fed exclusively with peelings. 16 points at a time. The whole fridge is filled with those pimples. A friend dropped them himself, and the dog learned to eat capriciously a week later.

The man with the cat, this one:
When we put something especially delicious in her bowl, she can't immediately believe it, rubs her legs, squeezes around the bowl, worriedly looks in her eyes: "Is it me? Couldn’t you be me?" We hung, we persuade, we take on our hands. We behave like a person, thereby depriving the freedom of movement, distancing ourselves from food and further increasing its anxiety. But keeping up and just leaving, seeing such a panic, is almost impossible.

I got this cat a year and a half ago. They lacked hands, just smooked and talked, not leaving the dish. No worries or problems now. But one special effect we scratched. Every time hungry, the cat approaches the bowl and flies in front of it - waiting for it to be fried. An unhealthy cat does not eat.
Good luck with yours.

If you are really smarter than your boss, he will never find out.

Once removed a house in the village, to rest for the weekend. The neighboring house is free. I hear someone coming in. I think I’ll meet my neighbor.

It turns out - and this is his patient, just released, a former paranoid.

Well, like the former... since then he no longer believes doctors that they are not watching him...

From the Habbri:

I remember the conversation:
Boris, what did you do with the contract?
Did you see section 4.2.2?
“I saw, noted as muddy, asked the lawyer to explain.
I will explain to you without a lawyer. There’s a bas that says, “And if it’s not right, you’re fucking going.” That is why I wrapped.

In the morning - 300 thousand, now - 2.6 million.

I suspect that by the morning the stolen bag of the Gazprom cleaner will cost the entire annual budget of the country.

Leo would have his experience in the Titanic. You see, you would spoil a shark, get into it and survive.

A good lover has a scratched back. A good lover, but a bad conspirator, and also a child.

Mother, looking into the room, strictly orders:
Go to sleep, my dog.
When I came across, I blamed myself that it was too early to sleep. Immediately, it is explained that the mother was turning to her dog, who is cuddling and cuddling under the table.
- This is how you raise a child, you love it, and he still automatically accepts the turn of the "shell" at his expense, - the mother breathes.
What a child! The father immediately answered from the couch. I just exhaled myself.