My mother and I recently talked about raising children.

I: Mom, how were you punished when you were a child?

Mom: My grandfather and great-grandmother decided that I should play a violin. I hated the violin. Every time I refused to rehearse, I was placed in a cellar. It was dark, cold. I sat there for hours and cried. I was very sad. It is still hard to remember.

I: It’s just terrible, how can you do this to a child? Was your brother punished? Or just you?

Mom: There was less demand for him, but one day he was very upset, he was locked in a cellar, like me. Two hours later, the grandfather opened the door and found the following picture: your uncle found a drill and pierced almost all the compotes that the grandmother kept. He was drunk and tried every taste. Then he slept safely. He was no longer locked in the cave.

You can react completely differently to the situation you find yourself in. Someone catches his head and begins to cry. And somebody will find pluses in their position and take advantage of them.

The presence of elections does not prevent the absence of democracy in the country.

We played at funerals and weddings.

The guitarist was an alcoholic. He smoked forbidden plants. I was fascinated by sad women, which is worse than drinking and smoking. The most impeccable was the vocalist, the only Latvian Negro Monika in the world. The daughter of an Olympic fool from Kenya. Her only unwilling sin was the tempter. Strongly melted, in the shape of a heart, incredible beauty. He broke fate and destroyed the psyche. Little black, he danced separately from his mistress. Because of him, the bassist did not sleep at night, once a month he offered Monica to create a family, at least for the evening. Monica whirled, left alone and took all the beauty with her.

Monica needed money, she was expelled from the apartment. For her, our black friend.We agreed to play on the outskirts, in a working area where seeds are more expensive than oxygen and someone is beating his mouth all day long. And we thought that hooligans are also people. And many of the beautiful are not alien to them, maybe even us.

One of my friends plays rock and roll. They have the front-man champion of the region in hand-fighting. Therefore, they even play in rural clubs for evil mechanizers. They are always paid and they have never sung Walls-Boston.

Although Monica never killed the lions with a duck and did not tear off the elephant’s hoops, we decided to come along too. Played for ticket revenues. People come straight, to say very little. Two people. With chains, with crosses, with crusaders. Sitting in the center of the hall. Elegant as the piano.

We re-calculated the revenue, we got two dollars for everyone. Basil said he can’t give up. A stupid note. Again, Monica needs money.
And a ball.

Disturbed by the ignorance of the public, abundantly comforted by the guitarist, Monica suddenly got drunk. In the second section, she didn’t just forget the words. He stopped recognizing songs. We played the entrance three times, singing the couplet ourselves. She looked and said, “Fuck, what a familiar melody.” He fell into anabolic again. Only the dancing ass in the shape of a black heart gave in it a professional and an artist.

The audience looked at the counterbus. very carefully. They didn’t sing, they didn’t knock. And Igor, the bassist, suddenly stood up side by side, leaned and so played. Then he said:
Oh my God! What a long, long song!
And he looked at us with pupils rented from Philine.

People with crosses turned out to be straw traders. In the entrance they learned in Igor the incarnation of Bob Marley and offered to blow up. And a kind of hellish decoction, almost rocket fuel. And the whole third department was waiting for Gosha to fall into a flower bed and it would be funny. He did not fall. Our Igorok stood, I don’t know what, like a fucking son. A few sides, but standing.

We played side by side and danced in the back of the department. The visitors, both of them, approached Igor, took his hand and said that he was a beast. He was the first who could not fall into the salad. And a counterball in his hands, and he played, did not fail. The Beast. (And it was the opposite, he hanged on the counter bass and so won)
And here these two get the shoulder and count 500 (five hundred!!!) and backs. The real presidents in the middle. At that time, the plane was about as expensive. And they offered to take us to a Mercedes.

The counterbus did not enter the luggage compartment, the griff was torching, I had to go to the counterway. It was the longest race since the conquest of Mercedes. I am still proud of the participation and that I have not wasted the pampers. The flight took place at a low altitude for 40 minutes without a break. The Crusaders sat in front, peeling seeds. We from behind tried not to open our eyes, hugged for goodbye and said what to pass on to relatives if someone accidentally survived.

All the way, Monica sat at Igor’s knees. Drink right here. Neither he nor she remembered it. Therefore, it is assumed that nothing happened between them.

c) Glory to you

In Russia, there is also the third oldest profession. The Judge. By the challenge!

I was 10-12 years old. Sitting with a friend on the bank of the river, nature admired. Summer is grace. Suddenly we see a couple from the rear: a man of an indefinite age, it is visible that he is professionally drinking, and with him a woman can get him. The woman stands, the man approaches us, says:

Oh well, break up!

And he climbed his hand into the double tree beside which we sat. He shakes there for half a minute, then makes a solemn shout and gets a classic granite glass from there.

“Well,” he said, “the party seemed to be successful!

Blinking and showing us a litre bottle of vodka lying behind the sinuses.

– Uncle, – we’re curious with the comrade, – and why are you drinking? It can be from the throat.

- Ah, little girl... - breathes the man, - I would have no problems with the throat, but today can not, with me the lady...

XXX is Giza.

8 years ago. The Wife:

Let’s take the dog?

I have only two conditions, you will walk in the morning and it must be a dog, not a microscopic laughing whore.

It is going.

We have a Labrador and my wife is pregnant. All the walks are mine. The condition is fucking.



yyy: Agree, then you will walk with the dog and the child))

How much should the head of the state discredit himself, that even his seemingly reasonable initiatives cause protests among the population?

My uncle taught me to believe in human reasoning at a nice and strange age. He worked as a master of the brigade of electricians-liners, who repair broken wires on high-voltage lines. High voltage is when, for example, the break falling between wires from a short switch simply evaporates. It is necessary to say that a person under such a current should not fall, in a closed tomb will be buried. 

And according to him, the main problem was not spare parts, not theft of copper, not long races, not the weather, not the habit of danger and ignoring TB. Not even drunk. 

The idiots.
Here is trouble.

They are allowed to arrive in the Sahara, which sits for two hours without light. At the substation, the large rubber is turned off, so that the line they will repair is sure to be without electricity, and they do not burn like the break when they climb to the wires. Of course, the machine worked and disrupted everything, but you need to reassure yourself.
They go properly along the columns of five kilometers, find a tree that fell on the wires and already climbing up to cut and cluster, in case they decide to measure whether there is no electricity in the wires.

There is electricity.

They carefully, without walking on two legs at once, leave the pillar and return to the substation.
5 km of fields.

You should probably say that for a professional electrician-liner means "Switch off the rubber on the substation".
This is:
- to warn that they turn off the supply and go to the line of service;
- on the enclosed and protected territory to turn off the rubber;
Add a sign “Do not include! Repair work is underway!with the skull and bones;
warn the security guard not to let anyone alone.

did not help.
"The master arrived, he was very upset that there is no electricity, on the farm doilki do not work, on the combinate, the sink without refrigerators kicks. I turned on the rubber, the electricity did not appear, even more grieved, left. Why not stop? failed to. Why not turn it off again? The Master too.”

The brigade exhaled, repeated their mantras, turned off the rubber back, hanged the lock on it, and went back to the breach.
Especially for such severe cases there are rubbers with openings, like on the garage door, so that you can be sure to be calm. They have a lock and a key with them.

5 km of fields.
On the Pillar.
Examination to reassure conscience.
There is electricity!! to

They flew back in anger, like wings.
"The engineer came, very upset that someone turned off the line, because the combination disappears, he himself the head of the district called. He ordered us to cut the castle, and we cut it down. I turned on the rubber, the electricity did not appear, even more grieved, went somewhere further to check. Why not turn off? I did not think.”

The evil brigade, who understands that he will not be home for dinner today, turns off the rubber. He takes it with him.
To be faithful, they leave Petrovich, who vows to lie on his bones, but will not miss anyone.

5 km of fields over which the sun is already sinking.
On a familiar column.
The inspection is nervous.
It is there!!! to

I was sent back condemned. At the entrance to the substation, the forest with the security guard was unwavering Petrovich, who immediately got everything.
Instead of the rubber, a healthy steel bar was inserted into the waist.
"And what," said the local electrician caught later: "I am called from the farm - save, there is no electricity. I am here through the back, there is a passage in the fence, and here someone has a rubber of spheres and a poster covered. I saved, there is also the herd, I now owe a bubble on the farm!"

The returning master and the engineer, meanwhile, were chasing the teas in the office and discussing loudly the lodiers-reparators and fools-politicians.

P.S Yes, the bull fell, and the brigade remained without a prize.

No one needs a blogger forced to close two huge airports, block major motorways and change the course of the airline.

They took the secretary job of a woman who saw the computer twice in her life and then on television.

The next day the boss told her to copy the document in PDF format, sent by mail.

Just done wonderfully!

In just an hour, I painted an A4 sheet with a pencil directly from the monitor.

Put the picture above and turn off the light.

Since then, the whole office has called her Light Photocopy.

In the summer I sit at work (office in a disadvantaged area), I see from the window lies a dumb type without movement in an unnatural posture. I’ll go out for lunch to see. At noon, an ambulance arrives with the police and closes the inspection. I go out, approach the body and the ambulance says:

Oh, one more one!

I mean... Meaning?

Your Comrade?

I am : No. What did you take?

A lot of you go here! Then you fall unconscious!

He was in Germany, Berlin. He went to the local handmade and bought gifts to his family and loved ones. Grandma bought a large piece of beautiful soap in the form of cheese.

It was given as a present after the trip. A few months later he calls:

– Grandchildren, such cheese is great, the truth ends, tell me where it got. I want to buy. With it, the omelette is just airy, with bubbles.

This is soap. Soap in the form of cheese. How much have you eaten it?

Every day I add a little cheese. The Germans can do it! Where can I buy cheese?

I work in a bank.



There is a man at the bank. I hear the sounds and say:

The blue arrow on the screen.

I pressed!

Press again with your finger.

I pressed! Three times already!

Bank of Oregon. I stand up. I pressed. Everything works.

I pressed it!

You are ticking! He needs to feel your finger.

You said that...I got hot in my stomach.

XX: It was somewhat similar, but the opposite. Put the cold in a thermos in the heat. Half the people did not understand what I was doing. He is warm!

Yyy: Yes, it’s from the series that people are surprised that the elevator is absolutely the same on different floors.

Zzzz: Why is it the same?

Yyy: Well because the cabin is one on all floors.

Zzzz: That is what! Or I go down the stairs on the day, check every floor, and I think: well, who whispered in the cabins on all floors, I am only 18.

Koshie is immortal because he has never been treated in a district clinic.

The Unlikely Fate of the World Ruler

This story, in spite of its anecdotic nature, is absolutely real, and is known to me from the mouths of one of its immediate participants and confirmed by another person, also indirectly involved in this amazing adventure. Naturally, the names and surnames of the main actors have been slightly changed.
In 1962, when the country of the Soviets was proud of the flight of Gagarin and Titov, on the outskirts of the capital of our homeland, the city-hero of Moscow, in a simple Russian family with a rare surname Ivanov was born a boy, who was named Vasei. Father Vasy, named at birth, apparently in honor of the legendary civil war hero Vasily Ivanovich, was a professional criminal and constantly improved his qualifications in the zones, and Ira’s mother worked as a cleaner – and at the same time constantly sought her happiness in her personal life. Apparently, she thought of herself as Isolde in the search for her Tristan. Therefore, the son of Vasenko was always on the second plan for her.
Given these circumstances and good heredity, Vasya from childhood decided to follow in the footsteps of an authoritative parent, and therefore from the age of 12 was registered in the children's room of the police. Vasya loved studying in his own way, preferring to study in depth what was passed by re-learning in the same class (that is, staying for the second year). Thus, by his 16th birthday, he, having obtained a passport of a citizen of the Soviet Union, decided to take off the garages together with his friends by drinking a bottle of Portwein 777 (more popularly known as the "Three Seals"). Naturally, one bottle of the "fire extinguisher" to maintain the festive mood was not enough and the banquet participants were drawn to the feats in the search for funds for the purchase of hot drinks. The result was an attempted robbery of an accidental passenger with serious bodily injuries.
Thus, on his birthday Vasya received a gift in the form of two years of colony for minors.
Two years later, after leaving the zone, Vasya first went to his hometown. There he stumbled upon his mom in the company of an unknown citizen of an undetermined age (from 40 to 70): apparently, this gentleman was currently playing the role of another Tristan for Ira’s mother (although was presented to Vase under the name of “Uncle Cole”). Imagining on a face not depicted by intellect, a stormy joy, the mother invited Vasa to the table, on the one hand, to celebrate the freedom of her beloved son, and, on the other hand, to present the offspring of their fellow resident, with whom, according to Irina, they have love to the grave: point-to-point, like Tristan and Isolda.
During the celebration, the door suddenly opened, and a tattooed gentleman appeared on the doorstep of the room, in which Irina recognized Vasya's father. Looking at the painting that opened up to him with an eagle's eye, Vasily Ivanovich expressed his disapproval of the fact that his dearest wife was not true to him. Vasily Ivanovich strengthened his outrage with action, building an Irina lamp under his eye.
Probably, the sparks from the eyes from physical exposure in some magical way enlightened the alcohol-obscured brain of the spouse, as a result of which she that she now finally understood: Vasily Ivanovich is her long-awaited Tristan, and she is his Isolda. Irina supported her decision with a bowl in the head of Uncle Cole and an offer to leave the apartments.
However, Uncle Cole, slightly recovering from the collision of the bowl with his head, in turn, did not agree with this development of events and desired to resolve the situation with the help of a duel - in full accordance with the way it is accepted by the noble lords. The duel immediately took place – however, the rules were somewhat violated, as Uncle Cole had to face three opponents at once: Vasily Ivanovich, Irina and Vasa. In connection with this, he defended, holding in one hand a kitchen knife, and in the other - a throat of a bottle with a broken bottom, called in the people "root". As a result, the duel grew into a battle, before which the battle of Gavgamel looked like a small court mess.
Concerned by the violation of the duel code, as well as the noise in the out-of-school time, the neighbors called the police (apparently, so that they were secondaries of the duel and strictly monitored compliance with the laws of honour). Arriving at the battlefield, the militiamen saw Vasily Ivanovich lying on the floor in the blood, who received a knife injury in the stomach, Irina, who was already in the heavens due to abundant blood loss from the blow with a "root" in the neck, as well as Uncle Kolya, who had untimely left this broken world together with his skull, carefully broken Vasei, who met the security guards, peacefully drinking the remnants of vodka.
Thus, on the day of his 18th anniversary, Vasya received a gift in the form of a prison sentence under Article 103 of the Criminal Code of the RSFSR for deliberate murder under aggravating circumstances, going for eight years in a colony of strict regime.
Having arrived in places not so remote, Vasya immediately received the honorary chase "Orphan" - since his blessed parent did not survive to trial and died of peritonitis. Vasya, of course, was proud of this nickname, and since his article was in authority, he, hoping to take an honorary place in the thief hierarchy, immediately began to study the concepts of the muddy world.
There was an elderly Jew sitting with Vasa. He was called Ruvim Solomonovich Epelbaum, but everyone called him respectfully "Uncle Ruv". Uncle Ruby was sitting for large-scale speculation. Despite the fact that in theft concepts he was considered a bargain, nevertheless, he universal respect for natural cleverness, prudence and deep knowledge in a variety of fields. Uncle Ruva felt sympathy for Vas and cared for him with purely paternal care.
Prior to his arrival in the area, Vasya had a very vague view of the Jews. He only knew that they had previously crucified B-ga, who was born by a simple Russian girl, Masha. Vasya also knew that these very Jews were all very rich, very clever, ruling the world, calling themselves Masons, and all the others - Goyim. So Vasya treated the Jews with suspicion. However, the charm of Uncle Ruva quickly melted the cold in the relationship - and Vasya pleased to absorb new information, astonished by the unknown abyss of knowledge that opened before him. As a result, Vasya, strengthening himself in the belief that Jews rule the world, became passionate about moving to the Jewish center of governance in Israel and taking part in this fascinating process, namely to rule the world without leaving the box office.
These thoughts were heated by the fact that Vasya learned from the newly arrived zecs that a kind of “reconstruction” began in the country, as a result of which a bunch of previously unprecedented opportunities appeared. The smallest thing you need to do is not be stupid. Since Vasya, on the contrary, considered himself very clever (which, of course, was facilitated by the lessons of Uncle Ruva), he intended after his release to find these same opportunities, in order to use them in full program.
After sitting in the zone "from call to call" and coming out to freedom with a clear conscience, Vasya returned to his hometown, where he instantly convinced himself that his mentors did not lie: really life changed dramatically. In the streets were unseen cars called "foreign marks", new co-operative cafes were decorated on the streets, and passers wore fashionable clothes.
From the contemplation of this picture, Vasy's heart stumbled with a fast housecrack, and the twists in the head moved like a diesel knee. On the one hand, Vasya wanted to immediately fit into a new chic life, and, on the other hand, he began to think about how to acquire the signs so necessary for the realization of the opportunities opened up. Having sown on the bench, and looking at the sides, Vasya came to the conclusion that the best way out of the situation would be to expropriate the proceeds in the cafe opposite. Moreover, Vasya argued, today is his birthday, and therefore there is a chic opportunity to combine pleasant with useful: to mark an important event in life - and to replenish the wallet.
The important thoughts of Vas were interrupted by an unprecedented spectacle. Next to the bench where he sat, a chic (although not the first freshness) foreigner stopped. From her came out a bald man in a raspberries jacket of unimaginable beauty. On his legs he had fashionable lacquered shoes, and on his neck a massive golden chain. The entire appearance of the owner of these amazing things spoke of the solidity of their owner and belonging to the cast of the masters of life.
Vasa had never seen anything like this before. He, as enchanted, looked at this miraculous phenomenon in all his eyes, unable to take his gaze away. For his part, the owner of these beauties, closed the car at the key and walked in a rush towards the cafe, indifferently gliding his gaze on the surrounding environment. But after taking a few steps, he stopped, looked closely at Vasya and suddenly said:
You are an orphan, right?
Vasa almost fell from the bench. It was his friend Leha Korenev, nicknamed "Root", who left the zone one and a half years earlier than Vas. Root was a Vasiny landlord, older by 5 years and before acquaintance with Vasey already had two walks.
The friends hugged - and the Root, knowing that Vasya had just come out, invited Vasya to dinner with him. During the joint meal, Root made Vase an offer that he could not refuse: to join his brigade and work for him. Root with a brigade cut cooperatives, engaged in a fashion profession with a beautiful name "racket": which, in fact, and accumulated the initial capital, intending to expand its business. And to strengthen the conviction of his words, Vase proposed to continue the banquet in the sauna, drinking drinks with the foreign name "whisky", in the company of pleasant ladies of not heavy behavior.
It was the best birthday in Vasina’s life. Naturally, he agreed to the proposal of Korosh and already the next day began to perform his new duties.
However, Vasya was slightly discouraged that his boss Root did not allow him to buy an elegant raspberries jacket, arguing this by the fact that this Vase accessory "is not in order." But, Vasya reasoned, he was still ahead, and in the meantime he was dressed in a uniform consisting of socks, sweaters and a leather jacket – as an important step to govern the world! I also bought the Cherry Nine. Plus married a girl-limitcher who, in the opinion of Vashi, was the bearer of four important virtues:
• very beautiful,
The round orphan,
A very good hostess,
A complete fool who does not interfere in the affairs of men.
So, Vasya believed, life succeeded!
Shortly after the coup, another important event occurred in Vasina’s life: his immediate leader and mentor, Koren, was shot in another bandit disarmament. Vasya, safely surviving and having done a lush bustle on a friend who had left this world prematurely, not thinking for a long time, took his farm into his hands - and continued the business (to which, over the past time, the trade of "dumb" was added).
After this, Vasya came to a logical conclusion: now he not only has the right, but directly obliged to change the shirt for a raspberries jacket, to move from the "nine" to a used foreign mark, buy a decent apartment and be named "Vasily Vasilyevich". Moreover, by that time he had a son, therefore, according to Vashi, his heir must feel his belonging to the highest caste from childhood. Plus, Vasya recalled his long-standing Great Dream, inspired by the vows of the unforgettable uncle of Rua: to rule the world from the Main Jewish Center. Especially from Israel. So Vasya began to think about how to carry out what he had planned.
This was helped by an unexpected incident. Shortly before the official collapse of the Soviet Union (in December 1991) wife Olga (who, by the way, was aware of her husband's Great Dream) asked Vasy permission to invite her friend with her husband. According to Olga, the girlfriend married several years ago, and a year ago, together with her husband and child, repatriated to Israel. Now they have come to Russia to settle their financial affairs. According to the spouse, a solemn conversation with the carriers of such important information about the Main Jewish Center for World Governance will be uninteresting for her husband.
Sincerely amazed at the fact that his wife, whom he considered a round fool, was sometimes able to say clever things, Vasya immediately gave a favor to hold the event and receive such important guests. He supplied Olga with a solid amount of expenses, ordering him to cover the lawn at the highest level, and also called his bodyguard driver, a former marine officer named Moreman, with instructions to accompany his dearest wife through the shopping points, to make sure everything was in order, as well as help her with the delivery of purchases.
By Vasina's appointed time, the apartments were raised to a mirror glow, and the table was broken from dishes and delicacies. Vera and her husband Naum (who were all called Umik) were pleasant conversational people and willing to share information about life in Israel. Vasya listened as enchanted, mentally already imagining himself in the center of the Promised Land as one of the rulers of the world. He was struck by the fact that, upon arrival, new repatriants (which, according to Umik, are called the beautiful word "ole hadash") receive a cash allowance in the form of a basket of absorption, as well as a bunch of hollow nits in the form of free education of Hebrew in an educational institution with the equally beautiful name "ulpan". True, Vasya was sincerely upset when he asked his quite logical question - how to move to the Jewish center of world governance as soon as possible? Umik replied that this requires a small but necessary detail: to be a Jew. Or, in the extreme case, have at least one grandfather (or better a grandmother) as such. Having seen the infallible sorrow that reflected on the intellectual face of the owner of the house, Umik hastily recommended Vase to study his documents, as well as Olga's documents: suddenly it will be revealed that one of their ancestors was a Jew - and then the matter is in the hat! It is only necessary to have a birth certificate, death certificate and marriage certificate of all ancestors - the nationality is indicated there.
Vasya had extremely vague ideas about his ancestry. The paternity of his mother Irina he did not remember, and the full name of his deceased parent kept in memory only because it coincided with the name of the hero of the film and numerous anecdotes about Petka and Vasily Ivanovich. So Vasya first asked his wife: Is she not a Jew?
Olga grumbled with her hands: she knew her ancestry well. Despite the fact that in her homeland there was a full international, Jews there, unfortunately, were absent. Her grandfather was Georgian, her grandmother Ukrainian. My grandfather is Russian, my grandmother is Tatar. Both of Olga's grandparents died during the war, the grandmother on the father's line died shortly after the birth of her granddaughter. Her mother died of oncology when Olga was 4 years old, and her father, a professional military, died “during the performance of official duties.” Olga was raised by her grandmother on the mother's line, and after her disappearance, the girl was sent to a children's home at the age of 15. At the age of 18, she went to the capital by limit. As proof, Olga presented to her husband all documents indicating nationality along with family photographs carefully kept by her.
However, Vasya, on the one hand, being obsessed with the Great Dream to rule the world, and on the other hand, believing in his farth, did not give in to disappointment and the next day, wearing an elegant raspberries jacket for solidity, sat down at the wheel of his prestigious foreign brand and went to collect documents proving his noble origin.
Two days later, when worried Olga was already ready to go to the militia and declare the disappearance of a man, Vasya declared home from the dark cloud. Without saying a word, he defiled into the kitchen, took a bottle of whiskey from the closet and started drinking right from his throat. At the question of the husband, where was he and what happened? Vasya, without saying a word, angrily laid a package of documents on the table, made another bite of whiskey and hugged his head with his hands, expressing such universal sorrow in all his appearances as if he had buried all his relatives in one day.
Two things followed from the documents:
1st All of Vasys ancestors, without exception, were of Russian nationality, which, as follows from the explanation of Umik and the genealogy of Olga, completely destroyed his Great Dream to rule the world.
2nd Mother of Vasya Irina, native of a deaf provincial village, in her virginity had the surname Kozlov. And the grandmother on the mother's line is like a laugh! In her virginity she was a cock. Since in the circles to which Vasya was close, such surnames were considered extremely offensive, Vasya considered this a formal additional bullying.
After carefully studying the documents, Olga carefully laid them on the table and tried to comfort Vasa with the fact that, in her opinion, it is possible to rule the world in another country - for example, in America. In response, Vasya polently asked his wife to remain silent, because, from his point of view, she, being a complete fool, is not entirely familiar with geopolitics. Additionally, Vasya was eager to see the fact that his wife was not a Jew, and therefore, from his point of view, it was she who was responsible for crashing the sale of Vasena Dreams.
In response to this conclusion, Olga looked at her husband and unexpectedly stated that in this case Vasina's idea could be realized differently. For example, to produce fake documents. What is quite realistic to do, given, on the one hand, the general mess in the country after the collapse of the USSR, and, on the other hand, the natural charm of Vas and its solid financial capabilities.
Olga’s idea was as follows. If the grandmother on the motherline will not be Petuchov at all, but, on the contrary, will be the bearer of a more noble surname, then, according to Umik's explanations, Vasya's mother will be considered Jewish (since she will be born from a mother-Jewish). And that means that Vasya will be able to realize her great dream. Thus, it is only necessary to agree with the leadership of the provincial regional archive and correct only two documents: the marriage certificate of his grandmother and grandfather on the mother's line and the birth certificate of his mother (the full name of which was Irina Nikolaevna). Moreover, the enterprise is significantly facilitated by the fact that both the marriage of Vasya's grandmother and the birth of his mother took place in one settlement - it means that it is necessary to negotiate in one place.
Vasya listened to her husband with a folded jaw. No pen is able to describe the range of Basin emotions after the information received. On the one hand, he was overwhelmed by the joy that there was a simple and affordable way to realize his Great Dream of ruling the world. The fact that this would have to violate the law did not embarrass you at all. But, on the other hand, he was annoyed that such a brilliant plan was not born in his head. Plus, Vasya was unpleasantly surprised by the fact that his wife, whom he considered a round fool, expresses such healthy ideas. However, after a bit of reflection, Vasya attributed the latter to the location of planets, solar outbursts and random fluctuations. And therefore immediately began the implementation of the Genius Plan for the realization of the possibility in the near future to proceed to the governance of the world.
It should be noted that, in principle, Olga was right: after the collapse of the USSR, in the newly formed young state called the Russian Federation, in the first years, before the adoption of the new constitution, a terrible mess prevailed. Since the old laws didn’t work and the new ones didn’t yet appear, there was one rule: “A hundred-dollar bill moves any legs and shapes any paper.” Therefore, Vasya, dressed in his chic raspberry jacket, appeared in front of the clear eyes of the head of the provincial regional archive, briefly outlined his plan, and in confirmation of the seriousness of his intentions laid on the table a package of banknotes of evergreen dollars (at the same time accidentally demonstrating a gun behind the belt) and looked forward to the interlocutor with a good look on his intelligent face.
Having understood the essence of the business proposal, the head of the provincial regional archive, an elderly seventy-five-year-old woman, who recently marked a half-century experience in the regional archive, being not stupid, of course, understood why Vasa needed it. On the one hand, she was aware that she was offered to commit a crime, the responsibility for which is very clearly provided by the criminal code. And since in her long and honest life she never broke the law, the first desire was to respond to the visitor in a raspberries jacket with a categorical refusal. But, on the other hand, she looked at things soberly and understood that trying to tell the police about what was happening with a high probability could end up miserable for her. Therefore, the boss, withholding the emotions, after a short reflection came to the conclusion that it was still wiser to agree to Vasino's proposal.
On the one hand, since the woman was a patriot and in the recent past even a member of the CPSU, she reasoned that the new state of the Russian Federation would be much better without Vasya and his similar characters. And since the chances of hiding Vasa behind bars (and feeding him there at the expense of decent taxpayers) are almost zero, she can help her home country by merging Vasa a lot further. On the other hand, she understood that if Vasya arrived in the Promised Land with the lip documents, the probability of exposure was almost zero. Plus, Vasey’s proposed amount (which an aged woman tormented by moneylessness had never seen in her eyes in her long life, and for which one-room “chruščova” could be bought in the provincial regional center) made an indelible impression on her. Therefore, after a little thought, the head of the archive offered Vasa to wait a little - so that she could solve his vital problem! and left the office.
Soon, a woman appeared on the doorstep, holding two documents in her hands - and presented the result of her work to Vasa. Grandfather Vasy was named Nikolai Nikolaevich Kozlov: in those regions the combination is very common. Therefore, the boss picked up certificates of marriage of people with such FIO and approximately the appropriate age. He was married to Vasina grandmother Claudia Ivanovna (remember, in the virginity of Petukhov). And soon it was discovered that there was another Nikolai Nikolaevich Kozlov in those regions, married to the Jewish Clara Isaakovna: in virginity Zimmerman, who took after entering into a legal marriage the surname of her husband. This marriage certificate was issued to Vasa, and in exchange for the birth certificate of his mother Irina was issued a fake certificate, from which it followed that Vasina's grandmother was not Claudia Ivanovna Petuchova, but Clara Isaakovna Zimmerman. And my grandfather was Nikolai Nikolaevich Kozlov – but another year of birth. In addition, the chief, inspired by Vasina's generosity, proposed for a small amount above the proposed, to put a stamp of the apostille on these documents.
Thus Vasya left the cabinet, being from now on a possessor of a noble Jewish origin. At a similar price.
Upon arrival at home, the joyful Vasya grabbed his wife in a clutch – and, stocking a bottle of the most expensive whiskey, rushed to Umik, on the one hand, to inform him that from now on they are colleagues in the management of the world, and, on the other hand, to get valuable instructions on the practical implementation of the process of arriving at the Jewish center of control.
The humble Umik sincerely delighted in Vasya and began to detail, "by molecules", all his further necessary actions to Vasa. Vasya ordered Olga to conduct the lecture, and he listened halfway, already thinking of himself as a member of the World Government. However, Vasya was slightly discouraged by the fact that, according to Umik, for a conversation with the Israeli consul, another small detail was needed: a certificate of absence of conviction. But it didn’t bother you, for two reasons. First, such a requirement for accounting is logical: well, in fact, they will not allow for the important process of managing the world of different dubious personalities with a dark past - it is clear even to the baby! And, secondly, remembering his successful experience with obtaining Judaism at a similar price, Vasya was confident that with a certificate of no conviction he would be able to repeat the same focus.
From the very morning, the head of the information department of the UVD Major Burlakov was in a disgusting mood. On the eve he was at a meeting of classmates and now, naturally, mulled from a deep bump. In addition, he was bitten by jealousy of his childhood friends, who mostly in the new Russia became successful businessmen, and in a month earned as much as he earned in a year. At the end of all, his old friend Serega, a neighbor on the party, offered him to throw off the offspring and enter with him in a profitable business - which needed a ridiculous, according to Serega, a sum: a thousand dollars. But if for Sergei this amount was ridiculous, then for Burlakov himself it was his annual salary (along with bribery) – and the captain strained his sick head with a hammer, trying to find ways to get such money. Therefore, when Vasya appeared in his office and presented his request (supporting his honest intentions with a bottle of whiskey and the question of the amount of remuneration), Burlakov, having improved his health with a glass of imported firewater, without wisdom, named Vase the price in the amount of the required amount. And for accelerating the process, the captain demanded another two hundred dollars from above.
As a result, two days later, Vasya held in his hands a false apostilled certificate of absence of conviction.
Thus, having the necessary documents in his hands, Vasya issued a passport for himself and his wife, plus additionally purchasing a diploma on higher education and a workbook with a fake labor biography – so that future colleagues in the world management would not be ashamed of Vasino’s dark past! Soon after, he and his wife and two-year-old son came to the Israeli embassy. Where he declared to the consul his intention to travel with his family to Eretz Israel.
Israeli consulates were surprised to look at the intelligent face of Vasen, in vain trying to find in it at least the distant traces of the descendants of Moses, but it was not necessary to doubt the documents provided. Therefore, Vasya, having received a new foreign passport visa of a repatriant, sold the car and apartment, drove the shuttle in the form of a chic banquet (on which he promised the Koreans a small share of the income from the management of the world) - and in 1992 went to Israel.
The first three years of your stay in the Promised Land seemed to you a real paradise. On the basket of absorption placed on him and his wife, he began to live in a way he could not even imagine. The process of learning the language in the Ulpan was abandoned by Vasya and soon spoke Hebrew freely. With the honestly looted money in Russia, he bought a five-bedroom apartment, a decent used house and opened a small drinking house, intending to further transform it into a chic restaurant – as the first step to joining the World Government.
In turn, Olga, who also quickly mastered Hebrew, began to work in the drinking room - and it was managed in it so that the institution quickly became very popular with the local alcohol-dependent public.
Thus, having completed in three years the primary preparations for the governance of the world, Vasya intended to celebrate his success, the five-year anniversary of his son, and at the same time his own entry into the age of Christ.
The elegant banquet Vasya decided to end with a car trip to the already almost native Israel for him in the company of ladies of not heavy behavior. However, alcohol-dependent drunkenness on Russian speeds on Israeli roads ended with an extraordinary meeting with Israeli police. And when Vassya, who had very badly remembered the Russian realities, tried to brib the security guards, accompanying his speech exclusively with Russian expressions, the whole company was instantly wrapped in handcuffs and spent the night in a Jewish monkey. As a result, the women of not severe behavior were deported from Israel, and Vasya stood before a judge. Which delicately explained that, firstly, in Eretz Israel to give bribery is not accepted, and, secondly, to govern the world should be sober. And to master these two important rules, Vase must undergo a course of free education at a prestigious educational institution called the Israeli prison.
for five years.
Having left the comfortable Jewish bar (on which he sat "from call to call"), Vasya first went to spend his native drinking, in order, on the one hand, to improve his health, and, on the other hand, he was plagued by anxiety for the fate of his children, because he did not imagine how his wife (which Vasya considered a round fool) could manage such an uncomfortable enterprise. However, arriving on the spot, Vasya shrugged his mouth of surprise: instead of a small slide, a very respectable cafe with a mass of visitors opened up to his eyes. Behind the bar stands was Olga, who was more pleasant (and suspiciously filled up), who kindly communicated with the unknown Vase, a young gentleman. Having seen the dear husband, Olga invited him and the gentleman (who was presented to Vase as Ariel) to a separate table to talk like civilized people. After that, some shocking information was brought to the powerful mind of Vashi:
1st Olga and Ariel transformed the drinking room into a cozy cafe and opened two shops next to it.
2nd Olga sold their five-bedroom apartment, and instead bought another five-bedroom apartment, from which she made a "division" (i.e. instead of one five-bedroom two two-bedroom and one-bedroom) plus bought a room in a half-bedroom room. And all this wealth she leases,
Three After all, she intends to divorce Vasee and marry Ariel (who is currently expecting a child).
4 is Since Vasya is not quite a stranger to her, she is ready to give him a room in half a double (which is currently free from tenants) plus a small cash allowance as a lift, and also provide him with a job as a loader in one of their Ariel store.
As a seriousness of her intentions, Olga laid the key to the apartment on the table and promised that 10 thousand shekels would be transferred to Vasa immediately after the high contracting parties reached an agreement.
No one’s pen is able to describe the gamma of Vassili senses. On the one hand, he felt annoyed that his wife was far from as stupid as he previously imagined. On the other hand, such an evil betrayal caused him quite explicit dissatisfaction and the desire to get satisfaction. As a result, Vasya organized a beat in the cafe, comparable in scale to the takeover of Berlin. At the same time, Vassino's bullying was accompanied by overwhelming scourges of Olga and Ariel (and at the same time casual spectators) plus a partial defeat of the institution. The Jewish police who arrived at the place calmed Vasa quickly, sending him first to a well-known Jewish monkey, and then to court.
Thus, on the day of his release after the first Israeli march, Vasya was again brought to his native Jewish nations — this time for a term of seven years.
After being released in 2007 at the age of 45, Vasya first decided to mark this important event. After purchasing a bottle of fire water and getting acquainted with some confused lady of not heavy behavior, Vasya recalled that he is the owner of elegant apartments in a semi-podial room. Therefore, he offered his new heart lady a continuation of the banquet with a smooth transition to the night of love at his home.
Arriving at the point of dislocation and opening the door of his apartments, Vasya was surprised to find there an unknown elderly couple. At Vasys polite statement that it was his apartment and the offer to clean up to all the hell, the old women were surprised to say that they were renting this home on a fairly legal basis. Having submitted the lease agreement, they offered to resolve this misunderstanding by calling Olga. However, Vasya, inspired by the presence of his new lover, said that he is not concerned about these circumstances, the apartment belongs to him, and with his problems guests deal with his ex-wife. The seriousness of his intentions was, as always, supported by his fists. Neighbors, alarmed by screams from the wall, called the police. Which, in turn, joyfully stated that they missed Vasa — and then again kindly gave him the opportunity to spend the night in his native monkey.
Thus, on the day of his release after the second Israeli march, Vasya went to his native Jewish village for the third time — this time for five years.
But it was during his third term that Vasya fell under the Israeli government’s socialization program. In other words, such as Vasya, taught minimal skills on the principle of “bear five to six years taught how to behave.” Furthermore, since during the time that Vassya topped the Jewish zone, substantial changes occurred in Israeli society (in particular, smartphones and computers appeared, and the Internet became an integral part of life), Vassya, among other things, was also taught to use the possibilities of the World Wide Web.
Using the knowledge obtained, Vasya, a year before his release, contacted the lawyer and ordered him to agree with Olga on the divorce process, the transfer of part of the property to him, as well as the release of the tenants belonging to Vasya's living space.
On a date with the lawyer Olga arrived accompanied by her husband and a lawyer. And she stated that the only thing she agreed to hand over to Vasa was a room in a semi-podial room, as well as a compensation of 20 thousand shekels (which was accumulated during the time she rented the room to Vasa). But with one condition: that from now on Vasya does not approach her, members of her family and her property closer than 100 meters. Otherwise, said Olga, Vasya must take into account that, firstly, she has long since divorced him, secondly, passed a giur (that is to say, became a full-fledged Jew) and married Ariel, and, thirdly, she clearly hinted to the fact that for all the 17 years of Vasya's stay in prison she did not receive a shekel as an alimony for the upbringing of her son (which, on the contrary, Ariel was engaged all this time), as well as compensation for the defeat of her institution.
All his arguments Olga kindly supported with documents. She also hinted that if the case goes to court, she could tell some picky details of how Vasya formed his Jewish origin.
The lawyer quickly realized that it was much more advantageous for him to persuade Vasya on the offer of his former wife than to get involved in an absolutely hopeless trial, after which Vasya would receive nothing at all (and, therefore, the lawyer's fee would also be covered with a copper basin). Therefore, he quickly drafted a model of the peace agreement and was able to negotiate it with the customer.
As a result, Vasya, who was released at the age of 50 in 2012, became the owner of an elegant studio apartment in a semi-podial room and 16 thousand shekels (because 20% of the sum was taken by his lawyer). This time the release from prison was rarely successful for Vas (because he did not do anything illegal). A week later, after he finished celebrating his freedom, he arranged to work as an assistant in a wine store and began to think about how to return to world rule faster.
But, having received the most valuable knowledge on the use of the Internet, Vasya sat down on social networks in general and dating sites in particular. As a result, he soon met some Oksana: a 25-year-old citizen of Ukraine, who also had the Great Dream: to marry a wealthy non-young foreigner and go to the West, having obtained citizenship at first, and then inherit a fortune.
The virtual romance of Vasy and Oksana developed quite intensely. After Vasya presented herself as a wealthy Israeli, then after a short time Oksana admitted that she crazyly loves Vasya and never met such a charming gentleman. In turn, Vasya, seduced by the charms of Oksana (although, so far only on numerous photographs) wished to meet her personally for cultural highly intellectual conversations and, possibly, even for intimate. As a result, at the end of 2013, Vasya, having received a darkon (Jewish passport), personally flew to Ukraine to develop relations.
In Ukraine, the romance of Vasy and Oksana developed more than violently. Oksana did not let Vasa go, warning him of the slightest capriciousness. The outcome was logical: after a week of real acquaintance, Vasya and Oksana went to ZAGS, where they came out as legitimate spouses. Thus, two months later, in early 2014, the young people went to Israel: on the one hand, on a wedding trip, and, on the other hand, so that Oksana obtained Israeli citizenship, and Vasya could finally begin to rule the world, having a reliable back in the form of a wife twice as young as himself.
But further events developed interestingly.
Upon arrival in Israel, Oksana received a three-month tourist visa (as per law). Three months later, the youths went to the Misrat Apnim (Immigration Service in Israel), where Oksana extended the tourist visa for another three months (again, all in accordance with Israeli law). After these three months, Vasya and Oksana returned to Misrat Apnim, where Oksana was granted a six-month working visa (in strict compliance with Jewish rules). And at the end of six months, Vasya and Oksana in early 2015 solemnly appeared in Misrata apneum in order to obtain for Oksana a prominent citizenship.
However, there was a small but very important detail in all this.
The fact is that if a foreigner obtains the citizenship of Israel through marriage, then, according to the legislation of Eretz Israel, the documents are filed by both spouses. This includes documents proving citizenship. Thus, Vase was to provide documents of his noble Jewish origin.
His fake documents have long been lost. So he ordered his lawyer to get them. In turn, the lawyer, having no idea why Vasa needed these documents, guided by the rule "the client is always right", quickly provided what was required from him. Considering this a simple formality, Vasya referred these documents (I recall, in this case already authentic) to the Missrad Apnime.
When the authentic Vase documents were seen in the officers of the Missrad, the eyes of the apnea were turned on their foreheads from excessive surprise. In response to comments such as “you previously provided other documents” Vasya replied something like “what difference.” As a result, as the conversation went on elevated tones (fortunately, this time Vasya did not use in the fight - whether the situation has not yet reached the boiling point, whether the age has been affected), the migration officers called the guard. Then they to the police.
Thus, before the decision of his fate Vasya once again found himself in his native Jewish monkey.
For her part, Oksana, realizing with whom she contacted and what the affair smells, quickly gathered her livelihoods and flew to Ukraine (without forgetting to clean up Vasyn’s bank account). After returning to her homeland, independent and independent, she immediately filed for divorce.
He immediately contacted his lawyer. He, having learned the essence of the case, sympathetically burst into his client and informed him that he is facing: first, a prison sentence for counterfeiting documents and deceiving the state of Israel, and, secondly, deprivation of citizenship with subsequent deportation to Russia. But since Vashi has no money (for the above reasons), he should use the services of a state (i.e. free) lawyer. In conclusion, the lawyer pointed out that their many years of fruitful cooperation is ending - and went on.
The state lawyer was a young girl of extraterrestrial beauty, who just graduated from the Bachman Law School of Tel Aviv University, whose name was Noel.
“I’ve gotten acquainted with your case,” Noel stated without any hassle, entering the chamber. In principle, I understand everything, but there are two questions. First question: Do you want to sit?
Vasa thought about it. After three walks, he felt a thirst for freedom and recently he wanted to live like a normal person. He turned his head negatively.
“Yes,” Noel answered. And the second question: do you want to be deported from Israel?
Vasya understood that in Russia he had only two options: either to spend the night under the heatway and freeze under the fence, or to go to a much less comfortable Russian zone. Vasya lived in Israel and was accustomed to the climate. He shrugged his head vigorously again.
“There are no more questions to you,” Noel said. To all questions of the judge and the prosecutor answer a categorical “no.” Do you understand?
“I know, I’m not a fool,” Vasya said. If I were a fool, I’t understand.
“Then everything is fine,” Noel replied. See you in court. So far.
At the court, the prosecutor was so eloquent that, when he heard it, the great Plevako would immediately be re-qualified as a charger. He listed all the crimes he committed during his 23 years in Israel (and before that), and described his moral appearance in such a way that, compared to Wasei, bin Laden looked like an innocent institution. As a result, the prosecutor requested a two-year prison sentence for Vashi, with the subsequent deprivation of his Israeli nationality and deportation. Here is!
“Your honor,” Noel began her speech when she was given the word. I was taught that even in the most hardened criminal, a lawyer must find something good. But now it’s the rare case that I’m forced to agree with a respected prosecutor who has done everything right. I have no words to justify my defendant. But there are a few details. First of all, I would like to point out that it is absolutely impossible to impose a prison sentence on my defendant. I am embarrassed to remind that in Israel there are several limitations depending on the crime: "Heth" (

"Dead Souls", Volume Two: Chichikov massively buys accounts abandoned by users to raise subscribers for his Instagram. Furthermore, he plans to present himself as a popular blogger and live on orders from the Moscow city council for "information accompaniment".

I walked yesterday with my son (5 years old) on a large common playground. Lots of people, hills, plugs, snow and so on. It fits to my shirt approximately the same age:

Hello to you! Let’s play hiding?

Hi, let me go.

Count to 20 and start searching.

I stand and watch. The son counted and ran to look for it. In a few minutes I see that he is already doing other things, I approach and ask:

Have you found the boy?

and no.

Why are you not looking?

I forgot how he looks.

Corrupt officials can only be cut off from the state’s roof with their hands.

Once, a long time ago, I came to a village with a breastfed baby. My daughter liked everyone very much: cheeky, eyesighted and silent. Everyone was excited and said, “Miracle! Just a miracle!“”

Everyone except Uncle Grisham. Uncle Grisha looked in one eye at my charm and said ridiculously:

and th. Miracle to me too! Virgin as a girl. Just some of her. I will tell you what a miracle is. Do you know that he lives in the outer house? Well, who hasn’t dried up since the age of fifteen, and he’s already sixty? Which nobody has ever seen? I abandoned!! He hasn’t been drinking since Easter. This is a miracle! How did it happen? Don’t be offended, listen to me!

A granddaughter was born. This is exactly like yours, only thick and black. I don’t remember whether it was called Lenka or Varvara.

Happiness was almost overwhelmed. So he is a nice, kind man, long dreamed of understanding grandchildren.

Well, first, he threw out the flag of the monk and drank the whole village with joy for a week. All of you, granddaughter!“He pulls her out of the wheelchair. Of course, he is swallowing on the wind. And she is heavy, and still the blankets are wrapped there, he takes and sits on a wheelchair for balance. Take a wheelchair and turn around.

They fell together with a dude at the door. The child is nothing, and whatever happens to him, falls soft. Oral just like a fool... well or fool.

And Volodka shrugged his head at the threshold and set his foot. And then another daughter, the mommy of this Verka or like her, added on the back with a tail when she caught him in the shaft.

Well, he says, “How do you want, daddy, and my daughter, I say, needs more. I have one more. Therefore, you are not that drunk to her, and even drunk you will not go any more. I can take pictures of you.”

and all. I was in the hospital for a week and that was it. Cut off the wool. For a year and a half, she has been drinking only quas and milk. A miracle? Of course a miracle! He drives with this Valya his, and she loves him directly: "grandfather, grandfather," he rejoices.

And you don’t bite, girl! — Uncle Grisha bite my daughter a bite, — maybe, for your sake, whoever will drop drinking.