The ornithologist stumbled when the crown, which was sealed by him, said:
“I agree!”

The only difference between a bank and a taxi dermatologist is that a taxi dermatologist scratches the skin only once.

Lydia Petrovna came out of the entrance, turned to the house and found through her eyes the windows of the daughter’s apartment. From the kitchen window, two grandchildren smiled. The six-year-old Nikita showed the big finger of his right hand. The grandmother in response, smiling, showed ten fingers and threatened with a mark, which meant: in ten minutes, my mom will come, look, don't bother! Nikita cleverly shrugged and shrugged his head. Giving a backbone to a three-year-old brother, he urged him to sneeze as a sign of consent.

The day was a miracle! The fresh snow was appetizingly crushing under my feet. The trees, carefully wrapped in pearl clothes, gave the feeling of a tremendous expectation of magic. Lydia Petrovna rushed to a date with a girlfriend. Luba just came from the sanatorium and offered to meet in the cafe. They will sit at a separate table, hit a cup of coffee with a liqueur, chew ice cream, thickly rinsed with chocolate, and will talk, talk. I missed it! Could something wonderful happen? Lydia Petrovna dreamyly struck the glowing eyes, her face broke down and acquired a cuddly expression. The walk became smooth. The coat did not hide the exciting movements of outstanding parts of the mature body. Despite the euphoria, Lydia Petrovna gladly noted that men are paying attention to her. “Why not,” she thought, “fifty is not an age yet.” Two men, bypassing her, looked around, and smiling widely, tossed their tongues and showed their fingers: "What does good weather do to people!"

My friend is waiting next to the cafe. “Lyubochka!” Lydia Petrovna shouted joyfully and opened her arms to embrace. To her great surprise, Luba instead of a greeting walked behind the back of a friend, and from there the outrage spread: "Here is the Arharov! This is the helmet I did with my grandmother! Okay Nikita, I’ll put you in! And you, grandmother Lida, probably went here and played all the way with her steep hips? Here I will pour him!” Loba came out from the back of Lydia Petrovna. In her hands she held a removable gate made of a black and brown fox pulled from her grandmother's coat, with a glow that played the role of a tail.

The State Duma is preparing a bill to mitigate the punishment of officials for forced murder, forced theft and forced prostitution.

The case was in July. Our equipment is outside the city. There is an admission commission in the technical school, former nine-grade students bring documents for admission.

I am the director of the technical school, 52 years old, I consider myself a man at the height of strength.

I have to go to the city administration. I go out of the building, side-sighted, I see two girls out of the reception committee. I get into the car and start moving. I stand next to the girls. The girls don’t know me, I know them too.

I am I, D is girls.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello. In the city?

D is yes.

Sit down, I will take you.

I looked and sat in the car.

Did you come to the Technical?

D is yes.

So I decided to raise them.

I. And you were told in school that you can’t get into a car with strangers?

D has spoken.

Why did I sit?

And here they offended me.

If he were a driver, he’t sit down. What are you afraid of?

I bought a Korean apartment. Korean carrot was scattered on the market

Well, after making repairs, I decided to put the apartment on guard, as she is not often at home.

The technicians put the controller, sensors, volumes and brought to the security controller.



As soon as we come to that house to work the alarm - the hostess stupidly forgot to remove from the guard.

I apologized, said he went to the toilet, and here you have already arrived.



Just decided to leave, as it fits and knocking eyes into the floor asks - and you can in the bedroom your cameras to remove, or my husband and I the second year in the bathroom fucking already)

It’s uncomfortable when you look.



It was invaluable to see her facial expression when she was explained that it was not a camera at all, but volumetric motion sensors.

Oh, and my husband and I in the bathroom for the second year fucking where your cameras are not!

We have acquaintances, they are for a healthy lifestyle and healthy eating. Making pasta without gluten, products only natural, from alcohol - no more than a throat of red dry, and cake or sausage - no-ni!

How many of them I remember: sweets and sausages are completely negative.

Well, they came in means somehow on an appetizer, talk-eat. We, of course, all on the table, cheese, tomatoes... half-cocked sausage.

I see, a friend on the sausage sat well. I am not sorry for health. But he seemed to have rattled, haram and all that.

I ask :

You don’t eat sausages, right?

And he so, chewing and swallowing, seriously, without blinking the eye:

I said we won’t buy it.

On a torrent tracker:

Xhx: Author, please go back to the distribution. You were the last to have this movie!

Author of: Opanki! Thanks for the comment, my servo has fallen. I, indeed, have been fired from this job for ten years, but I will go, call them if anything.

It was a long time ago... I came to my friend who lived with my parents. I didn't know them, but she somehow told me she had a very strict father. Apart from her friend, there was no one at home, and we, after drinking a cup, went to her room.



Only we fell into the bedroom, as we heard the characteristic sound of the opening lock on the entrance door. A friend pushes me and whispers:



Hide on the balcony!



I catch a piece of our clothes and jump out onto the balcony, and a friend, wearing a hoodie, closes the door behind me. Well, at least the balcony was partially closed, or you can imagine how I would look from the street. I immediately recalled anecdotes on this topic.



Pulled so that I wasn’t visible through the window, I started feverishly sorting out my things and dressing. I’ve never dressed so fast, even in the army. In the twisted position, it was difficult to stretch the jeans, but I managed.



Simultaneously with acrobatic exercises, I listened to what was happening in the room. There was a knock at the door and I heard the following conversation:



Are you home?



Yes to Dad. Why are you so early?



I decided to eat lunch at home. Get me something faster.



Well, I am fast now.



What, did you sleep? Is the bed not cleaned yet?



My head got sick and I decided to lie down. Go to the kitchen, I will clean it and come.



Suddenly the door to the balcony opens and I hear a whisper:



Go on faster! While he’s in the kitchen, I’ll take you. When you get out, wait ten minutes and knock on the door and I’ll introduce you!



And it’s true: not a boy anymore, as much as you can hide. I go out into the hallway, grab my shoes and climb the staircase cage in some socks. And there, on every firefighter, I go down one run down and start shoes. I am fortunate that no one has caught me in this work.



At fifteen minutes later, as if nothing happened, I called to a familiar apartment. A minute later the door opens: my friend stands on the threshold, and her father is behind her. We are playing an unexpected meeting, and I finally get to know a strict parent.



We looked at each other, and I noticed in his eyes a barely contained laughter. Apparently in my gaze he caught a silent question, because, as if unknowingly, he looked at my feet. And then it came to me: my crosses from the very beginning stood in the most prominent place and he immediately guessed everything! I raise a guilty look at him and slightly press his shoulders. He, no longer restrained, smiles and says:



Go to the kitchen! Let’s eat lunch together!



I immediately penetrated this man with deep sympathy – and he is not strict at all, but with a good sense of humor.



And my future wife never learned that our trick with her failed and we burned so helplessly.

Prime Minister Medvedev constantly claims that we have rapid growth everywhere and in everything! And when you come to the store, you see, looking at the prices, that the prime minister is not lying. He does not lie!

© Dmitry Sviridov

Only one day in Russia on January 30.
Arriving at the Federation Council meeting, Attorney General Tchaika personally accuses the 32-year-old Senator Arashukov of numerous murders and calls for the overthrow of power, the head of the Investigative Committee Bastrikin and 4 of his police officers run after Arashukov on the Federation Council stairs, SP Speaker Matvijenko screams in the microphone that he ran up and demands to bring him back to the hall and put him in a chair, on the street the FS building is surrounded by cloudy and frozen guys in helmets with three cheerful letters on the back, immediately after the detention, the senator-printer, who has been sitting in the Federation Council since 2016, demands to provide him with a translator from Russian to Karachai-Cherkes language, because he is poorly
The secretary of the Political Council of “United Russia” announces the suspension of the membership of Senator Arashukov in the ranks of the party, due to the loss of confidence in the party.
Former ballerina Volochkova says that the senator is a very disorderly person, since, for 9 years of their acquaintance, he always paid twice as much as he promised, so she considers him a deceiver.
Former TV host Tina Kandelaki said that she knows very superficially the senator Arashukov, who deceived her in trust and force forced her to take money, gifts from him and fly with him on holiday abroad.
Golden tenor of Russia singer Nikolai Baskov, who on the day of the birth of Arashukov, which took place 12 days ago, in his personal luxurious SPA-hotel "Adiyuh-Palas" in Karachevo-Cherkesia, personally performed songs in the Cherkes language, including the aria "There is only God - Allah", said that he held the holiday absolutely free and not familiar with the name.
Russian folk artist Philip Kirkorov, who performed this summer at the wedding of the 16-year-old daughter of Arashukov, explained today that he was alarmed at this wedding and seemed false, so he and Igor Nikolaev performed for free, refusing the fabulous fees.
An official representative of the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation said today that the information that the Head of the Investigative Committee Bastrikin is traveling to rest in the elite spa hotel "Adiukh Palace" in Karachevo-Cherkesia belonging to Senator Arashukov and was photographed there with a police retro car standing at the entrance, having the registration mark 00-01, which is part of the Arashukov's collection of rare cars, does not correspond to reality.
At the same time, in his office in St. Petersburg, the father of Senator Raul Arashukov was detained for stealing gas from Gazprom in the amount of more than 30 billion rubles. During his detention, today, in his office were seized four laptops, seven tablets, eleven (included!!!) The cell phones...
An official representative of the Russian Orthodox Church said that the Order of the Russian Orthodox Church of the Holy Blessed Prince Daniel of Moscow II and III degrees, Arashukov would be awarded erroneously and both decrees of the Patriarch on these awards today were annulled by the Lord.
This is Russia, my child.
I eat popcorn.

When Attorney General Tchaika came to the tribune of the Federation Council and announced that the criminal would be arrested now, everyone, including Matvienko, rushed to the exit.
... and only Arashukov remained sitting - he did not know Russian.
He was arrested.

A satiated pensioner is not a comrade to a hungry official.

How ironic things sometimes happen in life. This story was told to me by a friend. further from his face.
At the age of 14, I played for the youth national team of the USSR. It was the 80s. I had an American rival. In all competitions, wherever we crossed, we crashed not to life, but to death. Such a normal man in life. After a match between the USSR and the USSR, we exchanged t-shirts. I gave him ours with the emblem on his chest and the inscription of the USSR on his back, he gave me the thickness with the American flag in the whole chest and the USA on the back. White, beautiful and warm. I wore it without shooting.
There was, I remember, a general school re-election of the Komsomol assembly. I came here after training tonight. You are alive, there is no strength. I sat with my classmate in the back row in the acting room. There’s some nonsense from the tribune. Sadness is deadly. A friend of mine brought Crocodile magazine, as I remember. Well, we read something funny and let’s roast. When you can’t, you want to laugh even more. The speech was pushed by the chairman of the Komsomol Committee of the school. Idiot is full. There is silence in the room and only we laugh. She turned her attention to us and said, but let these beautiful guys, who are riding here like horses, get up and tell us what they have so much fun with. Maybe we’ll laugh together too. We stood up. When she saw me with the American flag on her chest, I thought an epileptic seizure would happen to her: she was pale, all shaken. And how let’s scream to the whole hall: Komsomol, you look at it! Not only hindered he the holding of our Komsomol assembly, but he also wore a sweater with the flag of the capitalist aggressor country.
Let us, shouts, for this non-komsomolish act, here, now, without leaving the place, let us remove it from our organization. Who is for? And raise your hand sharply up like a karatist. The whole room, like one, hands up too. against it? and silence. Who abstained? My friend pulls my hand, indecisively. He says, “We will deal with you afterwards. I flew past the European Championship. It was held in Austria, and the non-komsomolists were not allowed to go to Kapstrana. Many years have passed since then. My American rival friend helped me move to the United States and get a job as a coach. I forgot that story long ago. Here it floated.
I have two sons, you know. The elderly for the summer came to Russia to his grandmother and brought the younger a gift: a red maid with a serpent and a hammer in the entire stomach. The younger dressed this maid for some school boy Scouts assembly. He was noticed in this maid and disgracefully expelled from the assembly. The next day after the general vote in their organization, unanimously!, he was expelled from the ranks of boycotters on the grounds: violation of the rules of the organization, prohibiting the wearing of symbols of the Communist dictatorship or something like that. The circle is closed. Wonderful are your works, O Lord!

The drunken air of freedom played a wicked joke with Raouf Arashukov. Approaching the Federation Council building, he did not notice a flower pot carefully displayed by Aunt Valais in one of the windows. It was a conditional signal: “In the meeting room Bastrikin and Tchaika.” Already in the corridor, several senators proceeded to him, not pressing his lips: "Make your feet," but the poorly-understood Russian Raouf continued his way to all-Russian glory.

Today, many people start to think with their heads only when they take their ass.

In many trading organizations there is a term such as "Tutorial". The essence of it is that a more experienced manager introduces a newbie into the course of business. It tells him about the characteristics of goods, prices, discounts. It shows how to correctly make a commercial offer, communicate with the customer, etc.
Here and on one firm, let’s call it “Roof materials for those who risk buying them” (a joke), worked as a sales manager Roman. His time at this place was about a year. Therefore, he was appointed as a mentor for a newcomer, who was called Kostia.
And their director, Alexander, came to them from another company. And, as they say, they started introducing all kinds of innovations.
He was especially concerned about the dress code. I was always in a costume. And soon began to demand this from sales managers. Those objected, as in meetings with the client on "objects", where dirt, dust and other adverse factors - such a "paphos" was not quite appropriate, but since the director was very attentive, then in the office soon some of them began to wear costumes.
And here one day, Costa and his mentor Rome had to go to the client to measure the roof. He warned the director about it. In the morning we went to a meeting.
The client showed them a house, on the roof of which was filled with a carpet. The three climbed to the roof and began to measure.
Suddenly the phone of Rome ringed.
The voice of the director: Roma hello. Where are you?
Rome: Now on the roof, with the client.
Do you have bones in costumes?
Roma barely withstood not to matuck, but polently replied, “Yes. We have butterflies instead of cravates.
Director Sasha, without understanding the irony, says: "And you ask the client: is it important for him that the manager is in a suit when he meets him?
Roma, without putting the pipe, asks the client: - Vladimir, our director is interested in your opinion. Does it matter if the manager is dressed or not?
Vladimir stumbles, his foot slips on the board. He holds balance, matters and screams:
I think he’s going to h... with such questions! Come in swimsuits and swimsuits! Just give quality materials and good prices!
“Alexander, I hope you heard his answer.
After that, the dress code was slowly forgotten.

If you have a sack of salt, a sack of sugar, a bag of flour, ten boxes of hose, a petroleum lamp with a reserve of petroleum, 100 liters of bottled water in your warehouse, then you are prepared for the rapid growth of the Russian economy in 2019.

I don’t know how about the cook, but the speaker can be any taxi driver.

Well, let’s probably continue the cycle of scammers. I would like to share one episode from my career. However, "investigation" is difficult to call, there was a difficulty of two pennies, but the case, I think, is quite fun and something instructive. Dear readers, judge for yourself. As usual, I warn you, it will be long.

Politically correct fraudsters

The epigram "Learn, learn and learn" (Soviet slogan, derived from the article V.I. Ulyanov’s “Better less, but better” (1923)

Seven years ago, I worked in a company for a very serious job. Per for the first time in my career, my position was virtually not related to audits and audits, but more focused on corporate governance. But experience, as you know, won’t be drunk.

My new company was a bit unusual. Even if it was American (i.e. In the United States, there was a high-level leadership. founders-immigrants), but the vast majority of employees worked in the CIS, where I actually went several times a year. Two, it was frozen for the entire tower on observance of all kinds of "righteousnesses", "tolerance", "correctnesses", etc. For me, who have just worked for more than four years among long-haul drivers, carpenters, warehouses and spare parts/machinery vendors, where such things were like from another planet, it was a certain cultural shock.

Of course, business business, but we can safely say that the company was disproportionately managed by the human resources department. More precisely, “eichar”, as the department officially magnified, even in Russian-speaking countries. Each body, barely sitting on a chair, had to think about "personal development", set "targets", and regularly go to a special intranet page to undergo "virtual training". In addition, each employee was relying on “peer buddy” and, of course, “coach.” All these training, coaching, and targets were intended to “integrate into the inner culture” of any free mustang who had come from the wild prairies into this company.

On the first day of work, I sat down at the computer and opened my mailbox. To be honest, I thought he would be virginally clean. Well, a maximum of one or two letters, such as “Welcome to our company.” Ha ha ha. I was waiting for at least 20 messages from Eichar. It turned out that I, a bastard, had not yet started to work, had already delayed 10 "trainings" and did not sign a dozen and a half forms. And until I do all this, there can be no other work or talk.

All these courses of self-education were reduced to one principle, tolerance and being a spider. To say, the primary sexual characteristics in the corridors do not flatter, weak gender for secondary sexual characteristics publicly do not flatter, adherents of same-sex sexual relations pido... tifu, gay not to call, and generally treat them with all affection. By the way, transgender people also need to sympathize and not have nightmares for a few Afro-Americans.

Next is more. Waste must be sorted, listen to a lecture on saving paper, and how it will affect the environment, enroll in some forum (such as "protecting penguins when cutting trees in the Sahara"), sign a form on denying violence in the working environment (that is, it would not be easy for anyone to clean the fountain), develop humanity with constant enlightenment, bring the image of the brand to the masses, etc. and etc. To document all your steps, to make charts, then to create “creative reports”, to discuss “development” with “Department heads” and “coaches” on a regular basis. And they, in turn, should send reports above and “analyze trends” of their “human resources.”

I was even more or less fortunate, being in the United States (where the highest generality was sneezing on these Eicharov powers), I was quite removed from all these abominations. But here my employees in the CIS received their weekly portion of internal spam, which they were forced to react to by abandoning all other business. Stupid letters to the mail are nonsense. What was worse was that all the offices, especially the main, were continuously whispering "eichars and eichars" and got all in a row, writing "notebooks" and "actions" for "non-compliance". And where they were just recruited, as if one mother gave birth and gave it to the zoo for upbringing. I have never encountered such a general rejection of one particular department.

Pulled boyfriend boys in stretching pants and pink shirts with narrow necklaces and thickly smashed girls in challenging dresses and boots on high heels with a whistle appeared from nowhere and created the appearance of boiling activity, starting a storm in a glass of water.
How are you not ashamed, why is there not a poster with internal standards? I was angry, nervous with my heels.
Who is in charge of the diversification forum? He shouted a terrible young man.
Why didn’t we get an analysis of the progress report? Another lady grumbled, demonstrating the mighty, tight Persians.
You have not missed the ratings of your resources. We warned you last week, another glossy puppy grabbed the head, repairing a broken, angry head.
When did you take a course on corporate ethics? It would be good to repeat, - subtly hinted on the inconsistency of the next commissioner, shining with a manicure and wrapping the whole department with a sharp smell of spirits.

This brotherhood was headed by a certain Timur with assistants: Yanah - who headed the personnel department itself and Ole - who headed the training system, the so-called "training lead". Noise, obviously, they created a lot, but I never saw a special meaning, although I honestly tried. Moreover, the arrogance of the newly appeared patricians and the indulgence of the viewers from above down on us, the plebees, has already touched everyone.

No, do not misunderstand it. I am the first to acknowledge that a competent HR department is a force and an essential tool in corporate governance. And I will vote with both hands for the training of employees. But there was a clear fanaticism on the face. From the harassment of this polished gang, my colleagues have already poured out on the moon, quietly mated and dreamed of revenge. So it happened that the "witch's hammer" had to perform for me. It happened almost accidentally.

During the next visit I spoke with a local accountant, Vera. Do you remember Ludmila Prokofievna from K/F "Official Roman"? That’s just she, just a little older. The lady of the strong Soviet hardening, she has these newly-appeared chopsticks in her throat.
I believe, I say. - Listen, I went to my favorite hobby here, I analyzed the expenses. I just started, but I already see that our glamorous kiso is ahead of the entire planet. All these pompeousnesses go into the native company in a fierce bowl. I am far from the field, and you are fighting over the battle. Tell me, as an artist to the artist, what exhausts are there from them?
Looking at the root, he breathes. I think it is a mouse. Profit from them, like a pig to cut - a lot of whiskers, little wool. Here, not further than this morning, Olya pulled another bill for training payments. It screams that urgently, blood from the nose, today must be paid.
Take a look at the sport. and contracts as well. Why is this urgent?
He said he was late and the training started today. Someone missed something for some reason, Timur only yesterday received the contract and signed it. They convinced the teacher to leave without paying in advance. Payment must be made without delay.
Let’s see why they get married.

I checked, the total amounts are huge. Then I looked at it in detail and whispered.
Does anyone read these treaties at all? Except for Timur and Olli.
Maybe the lawyers. My business is small, the contract is signed, the account is, I make the payment, the fund manager makes the payment.
Does the boss look?
I don’t know, let’s ask her.

We come and ask.
Are you looking at the contract?
I watched, but honestly not always. These did not look. I cannot easily.
Then we play the game “Who, Who, Where?” Attention, the first question. What is the average accountant in the country? In dollars for the sake of simplicity.
Well, immediately after the universe, $ 500 edak.
is excellent. Do you know what the hourly rate for training in these contracts? $400 per hour. In an hour. And this is in a country of not yet defeated socialism. Even high-end lawyers in New York do not take that much in an hour. Isn’t that a blatant doubt?
That was what I asked before. They say that the coach is painfully cool, the courses are very specific.
We have to complain about the market. As Stanislavsky said, “I don’t believe.” Okay well. Attention, the second question. Who is ready to go to work on May holidays (the case occurred in the end of April)?
What do I need? The choir is interested in Vera and Alla. If necessary, our department will leave, but of course, we’t want to.
They would be ashamed. You don’t want to, and people are throwing on the Nepali flag. Go out for training... attention – the drumming sounds – from April 28 to May 10. On a bloody weekend. That’s what I understand, that’s the company’s commitment. And, note, they will learn, without regret, 12 hours a day. And all with the same mysterious guru teacher. The main theme is “effective management of personnel.” This is not I invent, and the time, the timing, and the teacher, everything is stated in the contract.
So let me see? She said Alla. I watched. Do you know who they are teaching?
Hit me in the very heart.
To ourselves, loved ones. Thus e. The staff and development department orders training for themselves. You know, here, under the contract, the action will be at the building. Let’s look at these students.

We visited all the conference halls. O gods of gods, all are empty. I passed through the staff department. What a coincidence, nobody learns. Everyone is busy with their business.

Old contracts and accounts have been lifted. It was so simple that it wasn’t even funny. The staff and training department has successfully ordered "training" from a couple of suppliers for years. Occasionally they were actually carried out, but most often these orders were for themselves. That is the most basic scheme. But nobody even thought that the most politically correct and tolerant leaders of the department were industrializing this. By the way, very lucky, in a couple of years dropped from the company about 600 pieces of evergreen.

You can imagine the end yourself. Without such "managers" the department was rapidly discouraged. Yes, and glamorous girls and loose boys disappeared somewhere, literally in a couple of months.

Well, when I returned from a business trip for the "eichar", I filled out the form, marked the "targets", wrote the "development and enhensment plan", all as the regulations require. There was no way to send those papers. I tried so. It is offensive.