Last night I stood in a row at a rural shop. In front of me is a man of 40, a woman seller is a little younger.



M is a man, P is a seller.



Hello, do you have cigarettes?

Q. What do you need?

Maxim is red.

No, there is no red max.

M – What are they?

P – There is none.

The neighbor has a younger son who is constantly sick. I can hardly remember the days when her child had no pain. Then he grows, then he has a fever, then he coughs, then his fist moves on his fist. Treat with pills, injections, mixtures and other things. And I don’t know whether it’s because of medications, or because of a weak immunity, or because of the fact that the child is rarely out, but the color of the boy’s skin is constantly painfully pale.

And then one day I go to work, I watch a neighbor with her little boy get up. And the boy's appearance is such as a bitch, a ruby on the face appeared, the glow in the eyes is shady. So I greeted them with exaggeration:

Hi to you! Is your fighter recovering? Oh well, the cheeks are broken!

The neighbor shouts:

What a place! We just have a diathesis.

They call me and I raise up:

Listen to

Hi, I am on the announcement.

Hi, by which one?

As for work...

In what exactly? A microbiologist?

- Yes

Where did you work? What did they work with?

What do you have to do?

Growing bacteria

The bacteria??? Is that not dangerous?

to Goodbye.

My uncle was a pilot. I’ve been flying an An-2 all my life. I frequently visited him and the passion as I loved to fly with him. The mail was delivered, the cargo. He also taught me a little. And then in the summer of 96 he calls me and says:

- I was thrown a halter here (the bandits pressed the plane and asked to drive it to Ufa) the aircraft was asked from Orenburg to Ufa to move. You want a computer, right? Flying with me? You buy it and I will buy you a computer.

Flying of course! What Questions?

Early in the morning a man came after us and we went to Orenburg.

We came, we were met, we were fed. Let’s show you the plane. We arrive at the airport, and there the Tu-134 stands.

Do you need to fly this plane?

They say, this one. Are you not a pilot?

I’ve been flying an An-2 all my life.

Oh, what a difference! What kind of man do you want to give up?

“Men, I said I am an An-2 pilot.

Well what? I know how to drive a car, do you think I can’t drive a truck?

There is a crew of 4 people. I need a shuttle mechanic.

- Fuck you are carrying, here to fly 400 kilometers, it is not possible without an assailant, right?

Which as they managed to peacefully explain that there are “some small” differences in the technique.

It was time!

Hi, how do you cut your hair?

Hello, please give me a hat.

I : well. Starting a haircut

Client: Oh, and Natasha has cut me in another way...

I : Yes? Why are you sitting with me and not with Natasha?

Client: Oh yeah you know! She cut me so badly last time.

I: 🤨

It is important not only to be able to live easily, but when it is hard not to die.

Dogs are also humans... or express your thoughts correctly.

A brief introduction for those who did not hold and/or raise four-legged children:
If you approach education seriously, then relatively quickly in addition to performing the simplest, all-known commands such as "sitting", "place" and so on. Dogs begin to understand phrases. For example, my dog was quite digesting phrases like, “Well, go, show me what happened.” He honestly led to the scene and, as far as he could, showed what had happened there... And from the moment they began to interpret phrases, if the phrase was not pronounced accurately or unthoughtfully...

Moscow, metro Kiev... A thick stream of somewhere/where else following citizens... Frames of metal detectors... Comrades in shape, when carefully, and when not very watching the reactions of the frames on passing through... A bit on the side of the kinologue with the dog... A dog tired so much that he sleeps (on a special carpet), as they sometimes say “without the back legs”, and sees his dog dreams, wherever he runs there, turns, in short: he sleeps very strongly, despite the surrounding noise (separate respect for those who have achieved the presence of these most carpets, they did not have before).

The metal detector overcomes the semi-treated or slightly drunk, here whoever likes, I will be tolerant, a man with a healthy tissue bag. The guard doesn’t like something, asking to open the bag. And there... A lot, a lot of bullets, each wrapped in a separate newspaper. Comrade, in Russian, apparently not very, emotionally explaining something, begins to unfold/turn one fist after another, showing that there is nothing forbidden. The guards turn on a calculator for counting the time of unfolding / turning all the balls in the bag and there is a grief in the eyes.
Here one of the guards comes up with the idea – “Let’s show the dog? And let’s let it go / bind it depending on...” And with signs show the man to show the bag to the dog, he also with signs shows that he is afraid of the dog, such as – show yourself...
The guard calls the filmologist, he wakes the dog... The dog is not awake and still understands nothing, but he follows the owner... The guard decided to complete his idea with a check, as well as show his significance, and he himself gives the command to the dog that has not yet awakened: “It’s you, check!”...
Hearing this, the kinologist begins to chick, but looks at the dog and sneezes him, confirming the command given by a stranger, such as performing...
The dog, having received the confirmation, quite logically to his dog’s point of view, interprets the phrase:
1st It was given to him;
2nd Asked to check;
Three He did not sleep, why was he awakened, but he still wants to sleep;
4 is Once this is given to him, he can check what is there after sleeping.
Therefore, under the sincere rust of the filmologist and the confusion of everyone else, he takes his bag, takes it to himself on the carpet and goes to bed further...

P.S The bag was given...
But gentlemen, keep an eye on the words, not only people can misunderstand you :)

When he saw her, the smart clock measured the pulse, and the smart mobile bank locked the card.

I installed some kind of metal doors with a homeopath. In a four-story house for 70 apartments. Two metal doors in the basement. Well, as I established... In the general assembly of tenants I was elected responsible for this case. I will be silent about collecting money and catching especially "hit on the head", for years I do not want to remember the bad. But it was possible to break quickly, after taking a tough position: "who did not give the money - gets one key and no pipe," although the scream and listened.



And here is the desired day, the brigade arrives and begins to set up everything. Everything smoothly, without excessive fanaticism when dismantling the old, generally people know how to work. And here at the very end of the reception of work I find a cushion... Well, how a cushion? The Cossack. The small. It was not enough for a third of a bubble of foam, one basement door to the end of the perimeter to foam. It was not calculated and it was too late to buy.



“Lord, let’s count, sign the acts, tomorrow we will come, we will sing.

- No, you will come tomorrow, sing, then the acts, and the calculation.



In general, after mutual reproaches and calls to the accounting office, I agree that I "press" the acts and five thousand (year 10 ago), and after the work, I give the money and acts to the worker who came. “Tomorrow, I’ll give a tooth.” In principle, I believed, a bubble of foam against five thousand, and even at that price...



No one came tomorrow. And the afternoon. And in a week.

A month later I was called.

You owe me 5,000.

I know

When will you pay?

As soon as yours come and remove the shortcomings, I will immediately pay and sign.

What is not done?

One door must be closed to the end.

They will come tomorrow.



Another month has passed.

Good morning, I owe you 5,000.

I know

When will you pay?

As soon as yours come and remove the shortcomings, I will immediately pay and sign.

What is not done?

Ask the masters, money and acts are waiting for them.



Of course no one came. A month later I was called again and asked to call the director again. The man is obviously angry.

Why are you not paying your debt?

Because your employees have not been able to cope with a shortage of 20 minutes for three months.

The accountant says that all the work is done, the acts are ahead of me.

“Well, I’ll come in tomorrow and see together if the signature looks like mine, I didn’t sign anything.

Judging by the voice, the man is obviously confused.

What is not done?

One door must be closed to the end.

And all that?

Yes, a third of the bubble of foam affairs, acts and money I have.

I will call you back.



I called back.

Man, you owe us nothing. Can you buy a bubble of foam and lock the door yourself with that money?

- Of course, but maybe it's better for the worker to come in and pay, and I give him the money?

It is no longer your problem.



Naturally no one came in. I called a worker and cried out that I had put him up for five thousand rubles (at the price of ten years ago). He promised to come and fill his mouth. How many years have I lived in fear?

It all happened in 1998, when I was 6 years old. In August, there was pain in the stomach. Mom, of course, immediately pulled me to the doctors, suspecting appendicitis, but the doctors of ultrasound in the focus do not see it. I remember it all, 20 years have passed. In the middle of the night, I was taken home to the wing. The child surgeon was a relative of family friends. The city is small and there is only one hospital. He sent to a really wonderful ultrasound doctor who immediately saw and said, literally, he was like an adult man was swollen!

Then I remember nothing exactly, an operation like appendicitis broke out while being taken to the hospital. I do not know exactly when it broke out, but peritonitis did not appear disappointingly. Then, a week later, a second operation due to peritonitis. The surgeon then found the contacts of his father. He called, drove, forced to bring medicines, syringes. I remember 98 years. There is no security in hospitals. On the nerves after the second operation while I was lying with drainage tubes, the surgeon broke my leg from nervous itching. I learned this at a more conscious age.

Of course, I remembered the names and the surgeon and the doctor of ultrasound. Especially since during the daily visit the surgeon was kind and very kind. My childhood consciousness remembered him forever.

And then, many years later, when it was time to get a medical certificate for a driver’s license, I read it at the surgeon’s office. Until the murders. I go, standard questions, and I say to him: You saved my life in the 98s. He looked at me, smiled modestly and dropped his eyes into the papers with the same smile "I saved many people's lives."



P.S. Yes, he learned, greeted his mother, asked about life, after retirement he works in a paid department, where mostly certificates are issued.

P. P. S. He also went to the ultrasound doctor, now he works in a children's hospital and he is trusted even by the smallest. And he also recognized me, even removed the record from the archive with my case.

My mom and dad divorced when I was only one and a half years old.

We moved to my grandmother and grandfather, my mother studied and worked, and my whole family looked after me as much as possible. My father first visited me sometimes, and then he stopped coming.



When I was 2.5 years old, my aunt, who lived with my parents at the time, got married. And so it turned out that her future husband turned out to be my father’s heavy.



On the day she decided to introduce her future husband to his parents, in the house it was actively discussed, say, today we will come to Kolya (name changed)



And then, in the evening, the door opens, a guy enters, and I shout "Daddy" and jump on his arms.

Apparently, in my childhood brain, a chain was built that once Cole means daddy, and I rarely saw daddy and how he looked - apparently I did not remember.



Imagine yourself in the place of a guy - he comes to meet the parents of the bride, and to him from the threshold flies "daughter" and hangs on his neck))) Another would be confused, probably, but he said "well, daughter" and began to talk to me.



They have been married to my aunt for many years and have two children.

He danced with me at high school, cried at my wedding, and when asked how many children he has, he still says he still has an older “daughter.”

Again, the presidential administration was very surprised by Rosstat's latest data on the poverty level in Russia. And it’s not surprising if some of its employees spend more on New Year’s celebrations than the average Russian earns a year. and :)

© Dmitry Sviridov

Sberbank of Russia blocked a bank card. I was contacted by the Sberbank Security Service. I was asked if I transferred Grechko money to Oleg Mikhailovich or not. I said translated. Then they asked for a code word. I said, write... slit... headlines...
X...E...R English... V as a barrel... Zet... A... D.
Security officer Ekaterina Nikolaevna (not remembering the name) recorded, and then suddenly said that for this, the Sberbank of the Russian Federation blocked my card and threw the tube.

It is offensive. It is a pity that they were blocked. Mainly, the cards are not collected, they are also blocked.

Are you a Jew by father or mother?
by the situation.

A realist is a person who, during a dispute between an optimist and a pessimist about a half-full or half-empty glass of vodka, silently approaches and drinks a controversial vodka.

My friend was very worried that she was pregnant, but was embarrassed to go to the pharmacy to buy a test. So today I went there for her, brought 4 pieces, and they all turned out to be positive. I asked myself how she was able to do so.
Now she sat next to me and cried on my shoulder, and then asked:
How will I keep four children at once?
You know, all my questions immediately disappeared, and I am no longer surprised that she flew.

Doctor, I need to lose weight.
Have you finally taken care of your health?
I have a conflict of sins.
How is it?
I cannot commit adultery.

A few years ago, I met a neighbor in the country. I was 35 and my neighbor and his wife were 50. We talked long and fun with him on the site and easily switched to "you". He also introduced me to his wife.

The next day, I decided to go back to my neighbor for a question. I approached the cottage and pressed the phone. Kaliku came to open his wife. I looked at her strict and serious face, which did not allow even the thought of panibratic relationships. I was confused and confused I could only ask, "Aunt Olya, and Lesha at home?"

I have a friend, Andrei. He works as a waitress in a restaurant. It tells us what customers are getting.

There is often a police officer there. The waiters do not like to serve him, because he is forever strangled and gives little.

One day, a group of young people came to the restaurant. We went for a walk and ordered the most expensive. And when Andrew brought them the bill, they got the cash, stated that they are not going to pay and can put everyone here.

At this point, the same general, dressed in uniform, comes in and says, “Good, Andrew. Do me as always.”

The crooked instantly hid their quives, quickly paid off and melted.

Since then, the general is the most desirable guest in the restaurant.

There are times when losing an iPhone is much worse than a conscience.