I am a doctor. Permanent patients are rare. After treatment, people make conclusions or go to another doctor, because they are ashamed. But there is one patient who comes with envious constancy. And every time - with a bouquet of flowers (as an apology for neglecting my instructions and recommendations). I always leave flowers at work, but the last bouquet was the author’s and very beautiful, I took home. My husband was hysterical that I was fucking with patients at work. And nothing that I am a venereologist...

I went to fitness.
It is smart!
You should have said I don’t need it!

Three years ago on Friday, I ordered a taxi for two from work. The designated car is Lada Grant, the driver is Hamlet. It was an interesting rare name. We go out - no grants, but there is Datsun with the number we need. Sitting in the car, the driver explained that Uber (or Gett, I do not remember) does not have such a brand in the system, so we indicated a car close to the class. We go, telling a colleague about plans for the evening (drinking with friends), Hamlet also periodically connects to the conversation. I go out to my house, a colleague says goodbye, “Lagavulin, behave well, don’t drink too much!”



Scene two - the evening of the same day, we and friends in another part of the city drunk call a taxi to get from one cocktail to the other. The designated car is Lada Grant. There are no grants. A friend looks into the phone to check and says, “Let’s go, the driver’s name is Hamlet.” I said, “People, he doesn’t have a grant, but a Datsun!” I approach the car, sit down, Hamlet turns to me, "Lagavulin, you have been told not to drink much!" Friends of O_O

I remembered the past work. Our IT department consisted of only two people. And once, when Odman went on vacation, leaving an enicacher for himself, something terrible happened in the accounting. And terrible, because it happened on the eve of salary, paralyzing work. There are also deadlines, accounts, and fines. The aunts ran and almost took the boy in their arms to fix something there. After an hour and a half, the guy returns to himself and, without expecting any wind, continues to do business.

And then suddenly in the evening comes a staff member and gives him an act of absence at the workplace, which has already been signed by the commission and the head. The guy is upset, say, what absence, when he was through two cabinets, his duties were performed. And that whispering, the mouth of a brick made her nose shake:

“I don’t know, I’ve been here twice, you weren’t at work. Sign, or I will mark that you refused to read.

He went to the boss, who stunned him:

Okay okay to you! Sign this act, write an explanation and forget.

The boy was offended. And here, it does not pass a month, (the case was in the RSC, here the holidays are long, ~60 days, so the administrator has not yet returned at this time), as this person calls:

I don’t have a printer, can you see?

Not a question! Bring it to me, I’ll see!

Then she wept:

Meaning of “bearing”? Do you want to come in yourself?

Vivian answered indisputably:

I want, but I cannot. I am forbidden to leave my workplace.

So the printer did not go to her to repair this until the boss himself ran. At first, she tried to send him in order of order, but he again with the horn, says, "I, you know, the explanatory does not give pleasure to write every time I leave the office." As a result, the boss surrendered, admitted that they were stupid, hot and so will not be repeated again.

This is the moral principle: don’t try to fool your neighbor. The earth is round, you can fall in your own cock.

There are such rulers who call chaotic chaos from side to side the course of reform.

I was on the metro for work today. There was a disabled wheelchair in Belarus. He began to talk about helping him. Well, the Moscovites are a good people, everyone began to throw the little things, all the things. At the Mayakovskaya door, the wagon opens, the wheelchair runs out, a guy runs to him, takes a bag with money and begins to run away. A second pause, the wheelchairman jumps out of his wheelchair and begins to run after the guy!
And the guy, scattering the little thing out of the package, runs to the way out and cries:
I did a miracle! I am Mother Teresa! Hurra comrades!
The doors of the car closed, people understood the situation and began to roar.
You made my day, thank you!

The first Christian community gathered for an extraordinary meeting.
The judgment of Feoklimen.
He never attends morning prayers. One member of the community said.
In the afternoon, the second intervened.
And in the evening! The third shouted.
At night, no one has ever seen him. Cut the fourth.
Death to the Gentleman! I wrapped up the whole course.
Only the president of the community was silent. Finally he took the word:
“Well,” he said, “to kill Feoklimen, of course, is possible. Who will feed you? He is the only one who works while we pray with you.

A familiar girl worked in a well-known service dealing with dog walks and dogsetting (pets for dogs).

I took another order - the owners go on holiday for a week and you need to come home to feed and take care of the dog.

When the girl came to meet them, she was given the keys and explained that the dog was already quite old, almost not moving and could die at any moment, and she was warned not to blame herself for anything if suddenly something happened.

After this, the owners left and the next day, when the girl came into the apartment, the dog died.

She immediately called the owner, and gave the number of a friend in the city, who needs to call for him to pick up the dog. The acquaintance of the call was not surprised and said that now at work and can not disconnect and suggested that the girl just take the dog to him to work and go away, said that in the closet is a large sports bag, in which the dog and put for transportation.

The girl did everything and, leaving the house, decided to take the subway.

In the subway she met a very nice guy, which she liked very much, it also turned out that they both went to the same station. During the conversation, the guy asked what such a fragile girl in a large sports bag, and since the direct answer would very much scare the new acquaintance - she said that she is a photographer, and in the bag a camera, lenses and other equipment.

When they got out of the car, the guy offered to help with the bag - still quite heavy and the girl agreed without a backthink. And as soon as they went out - the guy broke with a bag where the eyes look, naturally the girl didn't even have time to say anything.

What happened to the thief after opening the bag story silences, but the girl was very long away from all this situation.

A story about a friend of my acquaintance, told by a friend of another friend of their acquaintance - so in the little things could be wrong)

I met a longtime friend N. We talked.

I have my point. If you want flowers, go in. What a friend will do!

Not a question.

I go into the camp one day, and I don’t see a familiar N. His partner is worth.

What about the bouquet?

A thousand

This is appropriate n

This is what I liked (I point to the same bouquet)

As a friend, I will give you two thousand.

And your partner said that a thousand... (smile)

N’s eyes were running. Something blurred unclear. I turned and left. He cried out:

Well, let me do the catch! As a friend!



As a result, I bought the same basket for 500r elsewhere.

The government began to consistently teach millennials that everything should be temporary: car - carsharing, work - in coworking, housing - in rent. Only the president is forever.

Peter is known as the city of the proletarian revolution. Hence many of his problems. 70 years of songs about the most advanced squad - did their job.

Ordinary area near the power station. I sent my granddaughter to the first class of school. The ordinary school.
Even very good. There was one problem in the class, two. More precisely two.
Two frankly frozen puppies are the heirs of the proletarian revolution. Who in lessons
They literally struggle, beat classmates and classmates, do not understand words, struggle, struggle. And parents, more precisely parents, because dads disperse somewhere supposedly on the watch, it's also meaningless something, well you can imagine a aunt under 120 kg with a constant jaguar in the hand (well, this is such a poison in the banks) and with the complete conviction that she's all around must and owe. Every parent decides what to do. It is proposed to start the procedure of general ignorance of both mothers and children - demonstrative ignorance by children of this pair of colds. You cannot beat them. I am convinced that I will also now bury these wretches with my moms for the insults of my granddaughter, find out their addresses and go home to them with my son-in-law. And there and there is the same thing - a communal, dirt, a mommy in saliva and in a trick on a fat body, and a boy looking at us at the calf on the sold-out sofa. The son-in-law, instead of the mate, suddenly began to ask the boys, and do they want to eat? Did they shoot from the gun? Are they afraid of dogs? At first I understood nothing. But when he asked his mom to take the boys to his country for the weekend, he gently said, he cried. Why do we ruin our weekends with these idiots? Mothers really didn’t care. Take it and bring it to school on Monday. We will rest a guy.

The son-in-law picked up his painting, planted the quiet boys there and took them to the country. My grandmother and I did not call.
On Sunday, we still come to the country and what we see - these frostbites are worn along with our granddaughter and our dogs on the lawn, photographed with them, drag wood to the mangal, discuss something with the men at the cars - normal quite boys. Now my granddaughter has two of the most devoted bodyguards in school. Well, not excellences, but small men who have a goal - to enroll in the hard Suvorov school. This is obviously a son-in-law with his friends-officers educational. And wonderfully.

It was such a lesson for me from my son-in-law that I am still ashamed of the desire to fight with children. Never, listen, you never spoil children, even if there is a reason. Better help them, show the world where you can and should strive for. Otherwise, why do we all need them?

Dear Santa, I have no complaints about you. Just tell me, which fucks every year puzzles the price of pass and hot water?

He gripped. I go to the doctor. The temperature is below 39, but, strangely, the mood is great.

The doctor conducts an inquiry, records all the shit, and between the matter:

What medications were taken?

A cup of beech and warm beer.

He ceases to write. It fades for a few seconds...

A colleague? Didn’t you say you’re a doctor?

Demonstrative ignorance and exalted gambling with other men is a sign of the maximum interest of a woman in your humble person.

The Horse Cemetery

This story happened exactly two years ago, on the same wet October day as it is today.
He was a farmer and still lives well. He lives and pastures from morning to evening on his farm, three hours drive from Perm. A few horses, a little cows, and a lot of unnatural dogs, so that there is somebody to whisper under their feet and whisper.
Funly painted vans were driving along the track, but their playful color did not add a drop of joy to the autumn landscape. It was clear, because it was a circus. The circus turned off the road and began to run towards the farm.
The dogs decided to call the owner and his tractor.
The owner arrived.

- Good morning, sorry, you don't sell us a little seed, carrots, there, cabbage, in general, what you have. Everything would be useful. The animals are hungry and we are afraid that not everyone will eat.
The farmer replied, saying, why not sell, clarified the volumes and called the price quite divine.
The circus ridiculed, looked around and replied that they had ten times less money. So it happened.

The farmer nodded his forehead, said goodbye to the people of the art and used it back on his tractor.
But frightened circusmen took the tractor captive, fell on their knees and begged to sell at least some food.
When the uncle cried out again from the tractor and looked into the fun circus van, he was numb of horror and anger.
The beasts were so weak and weak that it was not immediately clear who were the horses, who the camels, who the donkey, and who the goat? After all, the skeletons with tight skin are quite difficult to determine.
The man from the heart roasted the mat of irresponsible animals and simply, without money, gave them a whole bunch of food.
To feed their unhappy animals, and for the remaining money to buy something later when the food is over again.
What kind of animals do you need to be, mother-to-be, in order to bring animals to such a state?! to
All in the same spirit.
The circusers thanked for a long time, someone even slid, and then one asked:

"Sorry, for the arrogance, you have helped us immeasurably, and can you not ask for a half-hour spat?
Why is this yet?
Yes, the trouble with us, the daily draw ended. I was born yesterday. He never stood up. The patient was all, could hardly breathe, could not even drink. His mother was there, you saw it yourself. Glad she is still alive.
The artists, the flies! Take it from Sarasota, just get it back.
Of course of course. Where can we bury him here?
The cock! You make me happy more and more! Well, out there, you will cross the road, retreat to the forest at least ten meters and bury there, but not only a little bit, but deeper, two sticks.
A lot of thanks! We will leave quickly and soon.

It passed an hour and a half and the farmer from a distance saw that the circusers seemed to have excavated the pit, but they did not share something there and began to argue.
Finally one of them brought a spade and, turning his eyes to the side, said:

I’m sorry for God’s sake, but this is the case. We noticed that he was still breathing. You will not seek him with a lap, and you will bury him alive, somehow there is no way out. Can I ask you? Sorry for the greed. Can you dig him down afterwards, but you don’t know how much he will end up giving? Maybe an hour or maybe until evening. We need to go, we have a schedule. and?
to affix! The circus is gone, but the clowns remain. Where are you in my head? Go away so I can’t see you here again. The funeral of yours.
The circus dispersed in thanksgiving, gave up gases and disappeared.
The farmer came to the excavated tomb, looked at the unfortunate beetle and didn’t realize himself – he was breathing, or already... no, like his eyes crumbled.
It rained so badly that it wasn’t fun to sit under the grave for so long.
I wanted to go home, but it was a pity for the poor, because to die alone in the pit, and also in the rain, somewhere under Perm...
I had to go to Sarai for the car.
He went down, returned, pulled the unfortunate out of the grave, loaded and led to die under the veil.

Two years have passed and I and my filming team have accidentally come to this farm to ask for a horse with a chariot, if there is one in the farm.
The farmer was happy to help. He straightened for us his favorite, whom he usually never straightened into the cart. The pet does not work at all as a horse, rather it performs the decorative role of a playful cat. A 500-kilogram cat named a clown. Well, even if you did not sleep at night, fed him out of the nipple, spent on veterinarians and medicines as much as two horses, then you will not smell on such a cat. The clown looks like a pony, but the pony is the size of a huge Vladimir heavyweight, only the legs are shorter.
How I wanted to push him. Although, what a sin to hide, I pressed him a little.
But most of all, the clown struck our sound operator. He had never met a horse before who’t be afraid of a mouthy microphone on a long stick.

The Polish joke of the 1990s.
Poland bordered with the USSR. Such a country no longer exists.
Poland bordered with Czechoslovakia. Such a country no longer exists.
In the west, Poland bordered with the DDR. Such a country no longer exists.
It is urgent to check whether the Baltic Sea is in place!

On Reddit, they asked what fact you know would cause you to ask, “What fucking thing do you know! “?”



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Baseball judges are obliged to wear black underwear if their trousers break down during the game.



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If you are trying to destroy the body, then the alkaline will make it much cooler than acid. Acid is very difficult to obtain because it is an ingredient for explosives. Caustic soda is much more affordable, it is even part of soap. Once done, you will have a liquid with which you can fill the barrels and bury them somewhere. Even bones will be destroyed, they will turn into calcinated sediment. In general, you can dispose of the liquid as you want, it can even be used as a fertilizer!



Use pigs as an alternative. They eat anything and leave no trace. And yes, pork shit is a great fertilizer!



Be careful with anyone who owns a pig farm.



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After Alois Alzheimer spoke the first speech in history describing the symptoms of Alzheimer’s, no one in the audience asked him any questions or made any comments because they were all excited by the speech of the next guy on the list about compulsive masturbation.



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Although frogs have long tongues, they can’t use it to push food to their throats like humans do. Therefore, when food is in their mouth, they close their eyes and push it into their throat with their eyeballs.



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Spare on the body stomach before throwing it into the water. So it will not swell up and not emerge...



- Written by a guy who frequently commented on the topic of serial killers OO



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All mammals, from domestic cats to elephants, urinate about the same amount of time.



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Brothers and sisters, or parents and children who were separated from each other at birth or at an early age, are very sexually attractive to each other if they happen to meet in life. This phenomenon is called genetic attraction.



Well, the original Star Wars trilogy now makes sense.



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To keep the human body under water, you need about 6 standard bricks. 6 standard concrete blocks.



Is it with a swollen stomach or not?



I look at you studying.)



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An erection that lasts more than 4 hours is considered abnormal and dangerous because it leads to blood stagnation and then gangrene.



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Napolitan King Ferdinand I did not feel any compassion for his defeated enemies, and after falsely promising them an amnesty, killed them. After their murders, he mummified the bodies and added to his museum collection of mummies. If he thought someone was plotting a conspiracy against him, he simply took them with him on a tour of the museum, which was completely unhealthy, but effective.



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Male bedbugs try to sexually penetrate everything they come into contact with, even people.



Yes, because the female bedbugs do not have a hole for mating, and the males have to swallow it independently with their curved and sharp penis.



It turns out that anyone who dealt with bed bugs was raped by them.



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Sometimes, when horses are bored, they slide their penis over their stomachs so they masturbate.



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Many species of sea cucumbers evolved with teeth in the rectum, which prevented other animals from penetrating into them.



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Most cruise launches are equipped with morges for recording passengers who died during the flight.



“I’ve read somewhere that many older people have started using cruise ships instead of old-age homes. Monthly cruise tickets cost approximately the same as the cost of a monthly stay at the institution. But on board, there are all the conditions for "active" life, delicious food, cleaning, doctors and, most importantly, good weather and sea air.



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The male giraffe beats his head around the female’s bladder until she urines, and then tests the urine to determine whether the female is ovulating.



I will try to do this with my wife.



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The Nazis pumped blood from Soviet children to transfer it to their wounded soldiers.



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Most of the dolphin population is the result of rape.



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Basically, male molluscs have the longest penis-to-body ratio, and the penis actually comes out of the molluscs and goes looking for a female to have sex.

Dear car drivers! In politics and business, there is no division between boys and girls.

I went on a trip to Peter. In the Sapporo.

I am late, I run through the building of the station, distracting passengers. I understand that the train has to go a minute back, and the trains are not planes, they are rarely delayed. But I always struggle to the last: "And suddenly I didn't leave?!“”

I run to the perron, it’s worth it.
I pushed up. Here, from the door of the last wagon, a aunt in a railway shape rises up and puts her hand on me: "Fast run!“”

I walked into the door, and my aunt barely turned. I breath with the frequency of the alternating current. I hear someone in the back of my aunt ask:
What is there?
He was sitting! He responds.
The doors closed and the train hit.

I specifically defamed. I think I woke up famous. I don’t understand why suddenly?! to

I turn around, and there the stunned Boyarski stands.

At business training, we were once told, “Don’t say the word problem, say the word task.” Now everything has come to its place. Now you can not worry. Alcohol is not my problem, it is my job.