Badi: I work at the SC, came to repair the printer, with a malfunction "Does so" and attached three sheets of rubbish paper :)
Added paper "Broken" and sent back

Is he sexy?
She is: O haaa))
He: Do you like him?
She is : No
He: And if he came into your room naked and said let’s have crazy love at night. What would you do?
She: I would hide.

On the website of the manufacturer of fluxes for paired, a comment on one of these fluxes...

My grandmother grabbed a bowl of rm and smashed it on my back!
Surprisingly, she had a back!
It is not harmful???? to

In the case of TR-RM flow, it is not harmful, because it includes a natural component (Cannabis) and a harmless thickener.
I rush to reassure you there is no aggressive acid there, but still your grandmother’s bowl is worth taking away.
Our products are not certified for medical use.

A call to the door: We are conducting a survey among men.
I: There are no men here.
Behind the door: Who are you?
I was even confused XD

Headline on the Rambler "Deputies against expensive cars"

Bees against honey. Rock against drugs

Friend: Give it up
The Glossary?
Friend: we have a guy here Galaxy C2 bought, how to get a number on it?*))))))))))))))))

The last unscrupulous screw, be you cursed!! 1

I demand that the item for registration be added to the form: CHECK THE DEPOSIT, DEBIL!

I need to drop something on the iPad, fast and heavy!
Go to the 16th floor :)

I write for the first time, so all hello :) it just happened, I leave work on the trailer, I stand at the stop. silence is complete, all in my thoughts, a trolleybus runs, a girl stands in the doorway of the middle door, the door opened (but one) the girl doesn't go anywhere-only licking and pissing on the phone, and people are already lying down on me, I can't stand up and I'm happy enough to talk on the phone, throw the telephone and soon into bed"... I don't believe, I heard how her boys were cheering there, she flew the bullet, called me a goat and went into the unknown.

I met a girlfriend I hadn’t seen for a long time, it turned out that she was. Like me, I got married not so long ago. Naturally, we start sharing family life experiences, and... discussing husbands (men, sorry :-) )
I just don’t know what to cook for him. He doesn’t eat chicken, he doesn’t eat fish, he doesn’t eat cakes.
I: And I am lucky, Igor is generally unpretentious in food, almost all-eating. He just doesn’t like cabbage.And the macarons.And also cabbage.And can not tolerate omelets and cooked cream. And he doesn’t like mushrooms.Luke doesn’t endure (indignantly) He’s a fucking capricious, it turns out!

I remembered one case - I had a gentleman, came after a restaurant man to my house, such a romantic, he took me on his arms and took me to bed.And the corridor we had is narrow, and the bike was still in it.While he was crawling - his shirt was stuck in the door handle.Yes, so firmly, fuck, we tried to break up for 10 minutes, then I brought the scissors, cut off his pants from the pen.As long as I cut off my finger, I looked for hydrogen peroxide.As long as I was looking for peroxide, my menstrual period began.After that, we roasted the rest of the night.So we remained friends for life))

The relatives go on vacation, ask to enter, water the distances. The owner starts listing names and how much to pour. I hear some of them for the first time. Leave notes next to them.
And here, I go, next to each of them a leaflet - as many and as often to pour. And next to the last - do not pour cactus!

The wise man does not make mistakes, the wise man does not make mistakes, the fool does not notice.

Awakening
Darya Donzova made a very gentle advertisement for mops. She loves this breed. I was the owner of the mops, I could say by chance. So now I wonder, am I having the wrong mops or donzova? In her stories they are thick, lazy and reckless. I have Carlson with two propellers in my ass. Wear the shroud of the neighbor's shepherd, and apologize, squeezing on the head of the neighbor's same berry is a sacred thing. I previously held erdeles – and have written stories about them many times. But then, to my great surprise, I discovered that there are brains in this dumb scapegoat!!! to
I understand that as a guard such a dog... except as a warning. However, one useful application has been found. He works with me as an alarm. His task is to wake me up exactly at 9 a.m. He is successfully dealing with this mission.
But today I decided to get stuck – since it was already so that I woke up a few minutes earlier.
The people! I couldn’t believe my eyes – carefully pulled out of the blanket: the dog wasn’t sleeping anymore. He was sitting and staring at the wall clock!!! As soon as the second arrow touched, he jumped on me and began to shake, using all the available methods - touching my legs, squinting, sneezing in my ear, tapping a blanket. And so on... But I decided to joke.
Just did not react.
Damn, even uncomfortable for such a stupid joke.
Because the dog raised such a panic, with the involvement of all family members... I don’t know what he worried more about – why I didn’t wake up, or that he couldn’t cope with his job...
I will not joke like that anymore.

A boy whose father binds his shell in the winter can usually hold his breath for five to six hours.

Conversation with Mom.
I: Mom, you imagine, Vanka now works in some bank system administrator!
Mother (thinking): Oh, that’s what you call him there...Assassin?

There is no scene.

Comment on the NNM on the need for the letter y:
A soldier from Moscow was sent to us. A very intelligent young man, the son of a writer. Wishing to appear to be a stubborn coward, he endlessly matted.
He cried out to a rabbit:
What do you do, fucking?! to
(This is exactly how I put the emphasis.)
Zek reacted thoroughly:
“Citizen, you are wrong. You can say — fucking, fuckinǵhe was and fuckinǵhe was. And fucḱseal — such a word in Russian literary language, sorry, not...

© S. D. Dovlatov, “Zona”

From Lurk:

It was generally believed that the probability of reactor failure is 1 time in a million years. Practice has shown that the first million years have already passed, and the probability is calculated correctly.

At 6 I wanted to be an archaeologist, at 12 - a doctor, at 16 - a political analyst, now I am 22 and I want to be a cat sleeping all day.