When a woman beats her mouth, she cuts the fist on which she sits.

Grandma three days in a row buys a bucket of mushrooms on the market. Buy cool, recycle in the evening, buy cool again tomorrow - the winter is long, the family is big. In the mushrooms, the whole kitchen, the whole apartment was drained with mushrooms. The grandmother does not rest, on the third day again brings a bucket of mushrooms from the market. What to do? The little one can’t stand:

Did you buy these mushrooms again? Why do I think they’re called scammers?! to

In the light of the latest news, only one point remains unclear: will Kokorin and Mamayev visit Salisbury?

One day, at one auto forum, I decided that there was nothing to do to burn up over another fool who put a Chinese silencing pad on his budget car. I asked him, and Naphika did it at all. The opponent did not give me a single chance to scandalously continue the discussion, answering with the utmost sincerity:

I am a minor idiot. I don’t need a reason ?

It was 10 years ago. A boring day. We sit with a friend, he plays a counter, I sit in an agent, I rewrite, each is busy with his not very important business, a normal day with students in general.

His phone is ringing, not breaking away from the game for a long and sweet talk.

And I only hear all the moments of conversation and (thousands of thousands) the sounds of the game. What is it like - Hello, hello, a thousand thousand, yes, normal, and you, a thousand thousand, funny, a thousand.

He talked for 10 minutes, finished the conversation, and continued the war.

5 minutes later, without breaking away from the phone, with indifferent eyes I decided to ask.

Who was calling?

The girl (not even the game)

What did she want?

He left me, thousands of thousands.

I remembered history from my studenthood. There was a fourth-year worker in the community, who smashed all the first-year students and collected money from them. I remember doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. And we, as pearls, at first often conflicted with him on this ground. On the third or fourth day from his side, we and a neighbor sent him to Yuh with direct text, after which a clash began right in the common kitchen. I, like a cannon-meat real hero, bound him with a struggle that quickly turned into a parter. You are naive, right? with a parrot in the parrot.

I don't know what a miracle, but I avoided the pain on my arm twice and saved my neck twice))

Plus, it was helpful that a friend was walking around us and hanging him a straw, not allowing me to break on the kitchen floor. And here, I turned successfully, closed the guard, and I try to press his hands to his body with my hands. In a slight panic, Comrade:

Volodya is crazy! Go fuck him!

He answered:

Good luck, keep it up!

It surrounds us around a circle and strikes a crushing blow with the leg straight... to me in the haru.

The stars burned in the turtle and the bell broke. I try to turn my face.

My root runs around our bodies again, tries to choose a favorable position, pulls my leg away... Again, it hits me in the board.

I shouted something like, “Fuck, better go away! “Then I got suffocated and left with relief.

That’s what I call the “your-foreign” system is working badly))

If they ban onanism, what will they do in Douma?

The story is not funny at all, but I want to tell it, since I first saw the difference between male and female character (psychology?). My sister and I studied in Leningrad and lived in a dormitory. I was 18, my sister was 20, and she was married. Her husband was also a young man of 22, but looked solid, with a red beard he had grown just for solidity. He had already served in the army, returned, but he did not find a job at the time better than a guard in our dormitory. The deviation is small - my sister and I grew up without a father and never imagined and never encountered how men can behave in everyday life, or in extreme situations.
The story itself is that one day my sister and I went out of the cinema in a fun foolish mood, and her husband was sitting on the watch that evening. So we decided to joke a little about him. The sister stayed outside, and I, leaving a frightened view on me, approached him, and I say that someone approached us and stood, I barely escaped, and your wife was there with him outside. Here my devil in a fraction of a second changes in the face, his eyes become just white, he catches out of the belt under the shirt a huge knife (I had no idea that he was wearing it at all), and the bullet flew out on the street. There is my sister, alone, naturally, and rocks. How he hurt us! “Two idiots! Are they joking about such things? Imagine for a moment that someone of your acquaintances would approach her, because I would kill him without thinking! Then I would sit down because of your foolish jokes.” It was a great lesson for me for the rest of my life! And then I realized how different we are, and that this immediate willingness to stand up for defense deserves endless respect. Feminists in note.

In the sport bar of Mahakkaly, 50 Dagestaners crashed into a TV hanging on the wall in an attempt to jump out on the ring.

From the Peter’s Entrepreneurs Chat:

A: Hello to you! Who can help with the opening of the cafe?

B: Try the door on yourself.

A client comes to us in a tour firm and asks for a cheap bus tour of 10 days in the Nizhny Novgorod region.

The manager falls into a light stupor and reports that in the area we can only offer one-day tours.

Client: What kind of specialist are you? ! to Here I was in an office in another part of the city, so there the girl is a real professional! She immediately offered a tour to Gelendzhik!

I’m ready to wait for Putin’s promises to be fulfilled. Are my children and grandchildren ready?

In one of the hypermarkets with their own bakery, located far from my home, but not really, they started baking very delicious bagets with filling. Cheap and very delicious. At first, I constantly bought them, but soon began to notice that they are often not sold. The questions were answered very quickly, almost immediately.

Increase production if there is demand. But the store decided to go a different way: high demand - increase the price. In three weeks, the price of baget rose more than twice: from about 35 rubles to 80. And here I, sad, take not three bagets, but one, and not every day, but a couple of times a week. But they were constantly on the counter. The truth is, it is not always as fresh, sometimes yesterday.

And then the bagets completely disappeared from the shelves. To my question about what about the bagets, I was answered, say, they do not buy them, decided to remove them from production.

This is business in Russian. It is shameful, fucking. The bagets were delicious. with a cane =(

If the Nazis conquer Russia, they will seize the people of oil and gas, buy yachts, mansions, watches, bands and expensive prostitutes. And the people will make them slaves and laugh at them. Mr. Russofob, you want that, right?

I am a lecturer in mathematics and I prepare a student for EGE.

Chocolate is 35 rubles. In the store, when buying 2 chocolates, the third one as a gift. How much chocolate can you get for 250 rubles?

Answer: 9 ( the correct 10)

On my question why 9, I got the answer that taking the tenth is not profitable and she would not buy it. How economical a child will be in the future :)

My grandmother and granddaughter on the bus:

Q: Can I buy a bus?

Why do you need this bus? You have a sea car.

No one is on the bus :(

When your big car breaks down, you will have a new bus.

A: So the machine may break today!

We dreamed of conquering space; now, our children are dreaming of retirement.

"Russia's foreign exchange accounts in banks should react calmly to the proposals of the authorities on foreign trade deals - the so-called de-dollarization will not affect them and will not prohibit the movement of the dollar in the Russian Federation," Finance Minister Anton Siluanov said. “No one is going to forcibly exchange dollar savings for rubles or something else,” he said in an interview with Russia 24.

Absolutely by chance, someone remembered Pavlov, who promised that there would be no monetary reform in the 1990s, who gave a hand to cut off, and also someone Yeltsin, who promised to lie on the rails if prices rise, and later promises, you know who: "As long as I am the President, there will be no changes to the retirement age."

We think we analyze...

She understood that he was lying, justifying that he had been drinking with a friend Vasei all night, but didn’t say anything because Vasei was sitting in the closet.

I went to the refuelling.

The treasurer, with a learned voice, began to roar the duty phrases:

Do you want tea or coffee?

I have a standard joke about this, after which the sellers immediately lag behind:

I agree with Cognac. At least seven years.

But here the cashier immediately focused:

Unfortunately, we only have liquid for the glass washer from alcoholic beverages.

I continued to joke:

I usually eat cognac with lemon. What do you have under this drink?

I can offer an air refresher with the smell of lemon.

The gasoline payment ended and I had to leave. But the mood for the whole day rose from such jokes.