The seller from the building materials store tells: a gorgeous lady is coming! feet, heels, hair - a model! The dress is red. Well we are waiting for a dialogue in style: I am looking for such a thing...
She says, “Boys, you need metal welds from one to eight millimeters, with a step of zero to five.”
I lost the gift of speech. The partner's reaction is better, but also dumb, he asks, "Why do you?"
“Yes,” replies the devacha, “makets to do. I am an architect...”

Advertising at the airport:
Dear passengers of the flight departing from Nice, stop roaring the passengers departing from Saransk.

Here’s what’s interesting: even if a person really likes to joke, there’s no guarantee that he has a sense of humor.

When my grandfather died, my mother and her brother and sisters fought for a long time over who would get my grandfather’s apartment. Mother refused the apartment because we have everything, even housing for our children. Uncle also refused, because the younger sister needs housing, she has 3 children, the husband dropped away. The middle sister refused because she lives in another city. And the younger didn't want to take the housing, because she considered it unfair, why she had everything and the others nothing. Hard to agree.

I suppose we already have rocks.
Where are the rosemary who are good?

We’re going to go across the city with our whole big family, including our children and our parents. There were a lot of people there, so I decided to drive in two cars. In one, my wife is driving, in the other, I. My nine-year-old son asks me:

What if we split up?

Don’t worry, we’re going slowly, one car after another.

What if we are lost?

I decided to joke:

Then I think we will never see each other again.

Okay, then I go with my mom.

We had a goat at the stall and we sold milk. One woman properly bought it every summer until one day she saw the goat herself.

It is a goat!

I: What did you get from? This is a goat.

He has a horn!

I: The female also has horns.

And the beard!! to

There is also a beard.

Q: What you’re chewing me here, I see it with my own eyes – a goat! Girls don’t have horns and beards, don’t lie!

I: Does the witch not bother you?

It is not a witch!! to

0 - O

I: But we did do it somehow, and you bought it...

J: I don’t know what you did there, but I won’t buy this anymore!! to

She really didn’t buy milk from us anymore, and walked past the barracks with the most evil look. What it was we never understood, previously communicated adequately, was positive and welcoming, and then suddenly - sailed!

Nothing so reassures a woman as the look of a working man.

Autumn though.
“Last night my husband became stronger to embrace me, I thought, love became stronger.
And Nifiga, the parasite will freeze!
I’ll go and open another window so I can’t live without me.”

What do you like more, me or soup?
The first...

There were two items in the dress code. and :)

You can only come to work in what you can get to work and not be arrested.

If the employee has not washed for a long time and this already interferes with others, anyone can leave a paper with the inscription "Pora" on his desk and the employee who has found such a paper on his desk should understand that it is time to wash.

A friend was asked to change a car (bmw) for two skins of a tiger.

Yyy: If there are BMW skins will appear themselves.

We stay until night at work. The nerve, the nerve. All angry and hungry. One of the employees, confident in her irresistibility, gets all the male employees with phrases such as: "You are what a notebook, and you will give it to me?" Or “Wow, what a pen! I just need that.” In that spirit.

Mostly everyone was just angry. Take what you want, but don’t bother.

One programmer for a long time silently endured an abundance of such attention. And then this lady calls a young husband (after the wedding and two weeks have not passed). She, wrapping in her hands another planned trophy and at the same time something muddy in the tube, says to the programmer:

What a beautiful marker! Will you give it to me?

On which he, bowing closer to the telephone, gives:

For what you did to me yesterday, I’ll give you everything you want!! to

How we did not break the tables with our foreheads after that is hard to understand, and the scream "DURAAK!!!" It was also heard in the neighborhood office.)

Russia should be proud if the children of the American and British elites were studying in Moscow. Or at least the Russians.

The daughter was asked in Russian to write a work on the subject "Ivan's characteristics in folk tales". Naturally, as a normal father, not a stranger to folk folklore, I took part in the process.

My relationship with my daughter looked like this:

Ivan is the son of the king. Age 17-33 years.

Home education is not finished. Recognized as a fool. The oldest and middleest son of the story.

Completely inadequate - promises to deal with the Wonder-Judas, strikes the oven, rides a wolf, talks to a squid.

He is not married because of a manic desire to kiss a frog he accidentally hit with a arrow.

Among the wives, in addition to the above-mentioned frog, the multi-married man tried to marry Vasilis the Wise, Vasilis the Beautiful. and married. and simultaneously.

Wasted - paid for nonsense with half a kingdom and a horse.

He repeatedly beat him and broke his egg.

He died with one of his wives on the same day, having lived in this nonsense long and happily.

Two days later, looking into the notebook, I saw “Rewrite the work without the participation of the father!”

On the branches of power some are worthy not to sit, but to hang.

My neighbors are a very solid couple. She is in a major position in a well-known university, he is an even more serious rank in a small but wealthy AA. Here I see the picture: we approach the parade almost simultaneously with the neighbor. While I get the blade, she taps the number on the homephone. In response to her husband’s bas “Who?” In response to “I”. Back to “Password!” Neighbors can hardly hear “B...” through their teeth. And loudly and clearly in the housephone "Truss on the head!". The answer is, “Come in!” And a thin voice in the background “Mom goes!!! “Hurra!” I respect my neighbors.

Is that what it is called? An angry employee ran into our office after lunch. I came to the dining room first and I was served last.

This is called steak.

What is? ! to

and steak. He came first and left last.

The employee thought for a moment, and said, "Y****** aitišky" went to seek sympathy in other offices.

The herd instinct helps the herd survive, not the individual.

The Defender.

There was a barbecue barbecue here (this is what Americans call our barbecues), one guest told me. They changed the parquet on the first floor (her husband was an anesthesiologist, so the house, it must be understood, is not small), the furniture was cleaned up in the basement, now it had to be dragged back. He further tells:

- Two muvers (loaders) arrived, both black beauties under two meters, in t-shirts without sleeves, biceps like on the cover of a bodybuilder magazine. One tried to touch my chest, so Rex gave him that biceps. Not just to meat, but almost to bone. Oh, how he spoke! Then he says, pay, hostess, a thousand backs, or I will call the animal control to get him to sleep. I, I say, then the first I call the police and complain about the stumbling, you see the camera? She writes everything. In fact, we did not turn on the camera for a hundred years, hanged when the son and babysitter were left, and he was a high school student for a year. Here he stuck, as the sweet dragged all the furniture and even washed off the blood from the parquet.

What kind of Rex? Another guest asks.
and Taxi.
The Taxi? How did he jump?
Where should he jump? He is hard to walk, his back legs are dragging on the ground. He is 14 years old already.
And then how?
- Yes, I took it on my hands so that these muffins didn't come on.