Surely every doctor will have a different fairy tale about a patient who does not know how to insert candles or use a cyst. Often such cases seem fictional and give a strong anecdote. However, this time everything is serious: doctors and nurses are real, their patients are too.



1st You constantly have to explain to people that there should be no metal on them during MRI. Nothing anywhere. “I’m doing dead feet. Why should I take off my eyebrows? Yes, because the magnet affects the whole room, not a single foot, and will tear your ears out of your ears. And there are also patients with cardiostimulants (they can not do MRI at all), who are angry when they are denied tomography. We just don’t want to kill you. by Sapphires13



2nd Yes, if you smoke at home, it can worsen your child’s asthma. by BruteSquad610



Three A familiar pediatrician told the patient not to give her daughter the name Chlamydia. The woman, as it turned out, did not know that this was the name of the pathogenic bacterium, and thought the word sounded beautiful. by mermaidbeer



4 is I heard a conversation in the hallway of the hospital between a nurse and a woman who had to undergo a colonoscopy that day. The nurse said, “Did you eat anything? The patient said, “No, only oatmeal.” The nurse said, “But you couldn’t have breakfast.” Patient: “I know, but I always eat oatmeal for breakfast.” The nurse: “I understand, but the doctor should look at your digestive system. Therefore, it is not possible to eat before a colonoscopy.” Patient: “But after all, oatmeal is good for digestion. I always have breakfast.” © Dangerous



5 is No, I can’t determine the race of your child by ultrasound. When he is born, then you will be looking for the supposed father. by sutherbb36



6 is Regular shower is important. Truth is important! I work as a physiotherapist. by muffaluffugus83



7 is There are children of sex. You’ll be shocked to find out how many patients with simple abdominal pain are actually pregnant. And if you ask them if there is a possibility of pregnancy, they will answer firmly, “No.” by Cycro



8 is Do not lick contact lenses to clean them. I am serious. by Chipgal



9 is Three different patients and three stories: 1. Do not have sex 6 hours after the birth of the baby. 2nd Coffee smoothies and mixture are different things, so you do not need to feed a newborn with cream. Three Probiotics and antibiotics are not the same, in addition, from syphilis, probiotics do not help. by Kaclassen



10 is I worked in a pharmacy for nine years. Every person who comes up with a prescription needs to be explained what and how to use. Pharmacists stop people from dropping antibiotics into their ears or eyes, eating dry powder, and introducing oral contraceptives directly into the vagina. © IDreamofLoki

11 is Every day I explain to patients that they can’t eat before the operation. And they always say something like, “And if I had eaten and then got into an accident, would you not have operated me? In such cases, doctors take risks and perform surgery, but why take risks where you can’t? © thenotsogeekplayer



12 is A guy came to me in the pharmacy with a prescription for a cyst. He asks, “So I drink all this, and then I’ll break? “I say no, because it’s a enema and it’s used rectally. The guy confused says, “So I don’t need to drink this? I explain that you need to lie on your side and insert the enema into the rectum, and then squeeze its content inside. The patient is upset, “Should I put it there? ! to Go you go! “And he leaves. by IbuBROfen



Thirteen No, if you are drinking soda during pregnancy, the “bubbles” will not reach your baby. But this is still a bad idea, because there is caffeine in the soda. And by the way, a hot bath for pregnant women is not recommended to take not because the baby can drown, but because of the high temperature. © JonSnoWight



14 is I have been working as a nurse in the nursing home for many years. One day I met a 20-year-old woman who had already started fighting. We waited for the doctor, and I told her to suck. She and her husband looked around and then asked me, “Why are you asking us to do this? Why do you need it? “I am in shock. She explained that it is necessary to struggle to have a child. They said, “Are you going to crack? Then the doctor came, and I was very happy to get rid of this strange couple. by jdinpjs



15 is If you suddenly found a navel, then this is not a reason to call an ambulance and seek help from doctors! stayathmdad



16 is People complain about poor vision. His astigmatism increased by 3 dioptries, which is very serious. Check again, the result is the same. Asked to come back in a week to do the test, - already 4 diopters. Everyone is nervous. The guy suddenly holds his head with his hands, and with his big fingers presses his eyes with all his strength. It turns out he does this every time he is stressed. And it does it so strongly that it damages the front of the eyeball. He was forbidden to do so. by up766570



17th This dialogue takes place approximately once a week. I: “Have you missed this medication? The patient said, “No, I didn’t miss it.” I: “How many times in the last week have you not taken this medication? Patient: “Three times, and today I forgot too.” © RepublicansRInbreds



18 is If you weigh 100 kg and jump from the 1st floor onto a large beach umbrella, then for nothing you will not jump up like on a trampoline: you will crash to the ground and break your limbs. And it won’t inspire your lady’s heart. by OkeyDoke47



19 is To insert the candle, you must first remove the packaging from it. © Underwriting

There are no greater enemies to the state than the idiots, idiots and fools who have declared themselves the only right patriots of the country.

In the late 1960s, the Days of Polish Culture were held in Moscow, and the Poles brought a few very questionable performances from the point of view of Soviet censorship. Ekaterina Alekseevna Furceva, then Minister of Culture of the USSR, told her Polish colleague, Lucian Motyk:
We are in the same socialist camp.
To which he, smiling, replied:
Yes, but in our barracks more fun.

All the media reports that the arrested abuser who attacked Ella Pamfilova is native to Central Asia. And no one for any reason writes that the victim is a native of Central Asia.

became cruel. I read KillMePlease and did not sympathize with anyone. Betrayal, deception and the collapse of hopes. You will think. Only one girl's life really jumped and swung up - she stitched her hair with a pincet on her head, lighting herself with a phone lamp, and then found out that about 8 minutes was a live broadcast on the social network.

I don’t remember when it started, but it has been going on for 15 years. My wife paints her eyebrows. And every time he approaches and asks if everything is right and okay. For 15 years, I’ve been pretending to understand what she wants from me. Every time I look carefully, in half of the cases I say that everything is okay. In other cases, the type is aligned with a brush (well or how this shit is called in them). I don’t know exactly where it should be, but I adhere to uniformity and symmetry. It seems she really thinks I’m already in that special. With great experience.

With the will of our entrance in the courtyard every year a heat plant is eroded. They roar there every year. Very late. In the deep hole there was liquid dirt.

My husband and I are going from a children’s clinic. It has a new combination and rubber boots. He examines every hole. Please accelerate the step. Suddenly he crashed at the entrance to our yard and moved to the pit. I couldn’t shake my eye when he hit her!

Untransmitted untransmitted. On the shoulders in liquid dirt! I can't pull it out, my legs slip on the clay edges. Likewise, he can’t get out – it’s slippery and impossible to get stuck for anything. I throw a bag into him and order to hold it tightly. Now the pen should not be broken. I fall on my knees. Then on the stomach. Not to fall into this hole. Wow, I pulled it out. We go to the entrance. He waits in anticipation of punishment. I don’t even have the strength to offend him. From the elevator comes a neighbor.

God, where are you from?

My son with his nose:

From the clinic.

From the clinic? ! to

“They took medical dirt,” I explained.



Taking a shower without dressing. The documents in the bag were not damaged.

Three Stories of Strippers

1) One old lady decided to clean the sludge in the dishwasher in the kitchen. by Finger.

My finger is stuck. It began to swell, to take back no more. My grandmother stood by the mouth.

Two days. There was no phone nearby, but there was plenty of water.

She found her son, came because her mother stopped answering the calls.

I immediately called an ambulance (although I could just twist the siphon, okay).



2) One middle-aged lady decided to get something from the shelf above the toilet.

She entered the throne with her legs, but slipped and with one leg fell straight into the "point", so that her leg was stuck dead.

To remove the leg immediately did not work - the edema was drunk... But here near there was a husband - he was just

He twisted the stool from the fasteners and broke it with a hammer. A wife is sorry.

But he broke so unsuccessfully that a sharp piece of faisan cut the wife's artery on her leg. The result is a fountain of blood.

But the woman was lucky, they arrived quickly. Even brought to consciousness.



A little boy pushed his finger into the salt. My finger is stuck there. Not here, not there, not there either.

The arrival of the brigade first proposed to break the salmon - but the parents for some reason were not pleased with this option.

Solonka, allegedly, was the prababy of the author of Faberge himself (stradivari drum, da-da).

When the parents were offered to amputate the finger, they seriously began to discuss this option.



As a result, with the help of the driver, some tool, sunflower oil and a strong word, the finger was able to get without damage (and the finger, and antique valuables). Parents didn’t even say thank you.

And the bonus:



In one family, a child succeeded in sucking an empty bag of mayonnaise to his lips. “Doo again,” they seem to be called.

The content was sucked out, a vacuum was created, and the lip was sucked dead. The whole family is jumping around, someone calls an ambulance, someone comforts, someone drinks valocordine...



By the time the brigade arrived, the lip looked like a large blue slime. The midwife looked at it all, took the scissors and cut off the bottom of the package. Which, of course, immediately decayed as soon as the vacuum disappeared. Why all these moms-papas-grandparents did not guess immediately to do so - a mystery of nature.



As a result, the bleeding of course remained, but it went without hospitalization.

I remember a neighbor once asked me why I locked the door when I was home. I asked him how he knew it. He explained with an indignant face that several nights in a row he had tried to open it to come in to say hello.

A well-known surgeon said: bring a man without a leg above his knee, everything in blood, no legs. His leg was cut off by a wire at the factory, with the chief engineer of the enterprise sitting in front of his eyes, somewhere in the courtyard smoking and phone calls another person five officials. The wounded man calls the chief engineer all the time, looks in his eyes and asks - Where is my foot, Alexander Petrovich! ? to Found the foot! ? to Call me, let them look for me!

In general, at the same time Alexander Petrovich got sick with the heart, drowned. At this time, the wounded is taken to the operating room, from there screaming "That's a shame! ? to “You are the fucker, the fucker...”

The man without a leg was a fire inspector. When the wire broke off at the production, it really rubbed the inspector's leg, but he was already with an amputated leg and on a prosthesis, the prosthesis broke off the leg so sharply that the cult was also damaged, and among blood and meat the doctors did not immediately understand that the leg was not there before the accident.

True, the inspector was not a joke, but caught a specific shock recurrence and for a week was sure that before the incident he had a leg. Only a bunch of documents, relatives and people at work gradually convinced him that he lost his leg 8 years ago.

xxx: How would you write in your resume "I changed the light bulb"?

yyy: Solely managed the successful upgrade and deployment of the new environmental lighting system with zero surplus costs and zero safety incidents.

By analogy with “the Orthodoxy of the Brain,” I propose the term “the edros of conscience.”

This is the story, it happened 15 years ago.

In my "cube" (a nanorajonchik of eight two-storey houses) the 0.4kV power cable began to burn. The cable, of course, is in the ground and just so it will not be repaired (it is necessary to find the place of damage, to dig the ground, possibly under the road, to open the asphalt, well, etc.). In short, who does not do, need the services of specialists.
At first, one phase burned out and all quickly switched their apartments to the remaining two, increasing the currents in the wires. We people are smart. The voltage in the apartments was up to 180-200 volts.

At that moment, I went to talk to the men from my house.
He explained what happened and what will happen soon. was understood. With their support, they started a campaign to clarify the problem among residents. The main issue was the collection of money. And the money, by the way, small, in terms of the apartment - but the total amount was not small.

Here the shake began.
The question drowned in her. In the words of all as if for, but to collect money, at least in their own house, the desired practically not found.

Time has rushed...

The increased currents of the two living (yet still) cables continued to heat the weakened insulation – the case was in autumn, when heating was not yet turned on and everything was heated by electricity – and it was successfully burned. In the transformator substation, two of the three security devices on 400A were hit.
The remaining living phase began to heat the earth from which the planet is made up. It was the main power. There was also something in the house, 50–60 volts.

*** by
Here the people moved, awakening some hope in me. In vain though.
The natural gatherings began, like the screams of a drunk man, who suddenly felt that his boots burned from the fire near which he slept.
But at least something...

I tried to explain to the people that the faster we collect money, the faster we become people again. The 50 percent understood everything for a long time and were warmly agreed.
Here are the other 50...

Yes, guys, I didn’t know much about human nature.

These people needed light and warmth in their nurses. They had already grievous mouths, they had already swallowed, and the horror was already sparking in their eyes. They already realized that something terrible had happened. And they were convinced that someone had to do everything.
and all. The point.

The question of making money for repairs raised the question – and why should we pay? It should be noted, at the time (we) was exactly this position of the energy supply organization (that then everything changed).

You probably have a reasonable question, what hell am I writing here? Why clone?
Don’t rush, it makes sense to read until the end.

*** by
Another day passed. The evening came. It darkened.
And here I made a fatal mistake.

For the simplicity of the mind, I connected the daylight over my LATR desk using reverse transformation. From 50 volts to make 220 is not difficult, actually.

Within an hour, a small crowd gathered at my entrance. I did not pay attention to the vague noise outside the window – well, the natural rallies have become usual. Oh how stupid I was.
After 15 minutes, they knocked on my door. The next is worthy of the pen of Comrade Kafka, but I will have to write, do not look for it.

A delegation of two female organisms, politely but with purple spots on their faces, asked why I had a light burning in the window while no one had it. We talked through a semi-open door.
I, less doubtingly, explained that I connected the lamp from the transformator. Oh, I am a fool!

My explanation was perceived as if I was telling them about Koshi’s theorem. Here the aunt and there was an explosion of a steam boiler, figuratively expressed. They started talking at the same time, and I couldn’t tell a word.
At the screams in the entrance began to pull up the forces of moral support. First I wanted to go out on the pitch to protect my old mother from these screams and whispers. But I did not decide.
You’t have decided in my place.

Eventually, a few minutes of time and a half-split of anger allowed us to distinguish individual words in the flow of the roaring hell. I think that at that moment my eyes came out of the orbit, unfortunately I could not see myself from the side. It turns out, according to their iron concrete opinion – they decided it on a shelf under my windows – I turned off all the houses and took the electricity for myself. Because I am an electrician.
Again, because I am an electrician!

The fucking!

A few more minutes passed, in which I died, rose again, blackened from universal sorrow and turned into a serpent. It has already happened. My beast rick with the accompanying selective maternal message extinguished the outbreak of two unfortunate grandmothers, these foolish creatures of God.

*** by
You will ask why I told this story. I will answer you why.

People, in their masses, do not change. Everything I told you happened 15 years ago. Much has changed since then. Now, for example, the repair of intra-quarter power grids does not have to be done by the forces of tenants (although I am not 100% sure).
A lot has changed, and even for the better.

But people do not change.

Times are changing, but people are not.

bybrigadir

You have an erection!
Don’t touch it, it’s for the New Year!

20 years ago, when there was a popular song "Guests from the future" (in it still a line was "Train Zurich to Geneva, where are you Evaya? I studied in 9th grade. And then I and my friend decided to bet which country Zurich is in? I say – Switzerland, my friend, you’re a fool, it’s Germany. I did not want to be stupid categorically, especially I was sure of all 100 in my right, so we began to ask everyone in a row, "In which country Zurich? »

We met mostly the same nine-class girls, who either did not know, or confidently declared "Germany", which instilled confidence in my friend and she began to hiccake. And here we meet a teacher, in my opinion, even history! To my question, “Tell us which country Zurich is in? This ugly lady said, “You are not ashamed to be so illiterate! Where the youth goes! Zurich is in Germany. And a lot of insult.

In short, we reached the office of geography and already there on the map we found Switzerland and Germany, and even France, and I still defended my right. But it is still offensive when I recall how a bad teacher was ashamed of me, and she was also wrong.

In the nineties it was. I was in the electric car, and a very nice girl was sitting next to me. And the road was far away and I was slightly smiling and I didn’t notice how I leaned to that girl. It was softer on her hand to rest than on the rigid frame of the train window. She seemed not to be against. She did not wake me, did not scream, even as it seemed more convenient to me, which would make it more comfortable for me to sleep.When I woke up, I was slightly upset from such a situation and even apologized for the inconvenience brought. She smiled and said nothing wrong. Yes, I was much more popular with beautiful women when I was seven years old than I am now.

There is a lot of airport nearby and a lot of pilots and stewardesses rent housing. I stand at the bus stop. A pilot with suitcases. This happens often.



Suddenly, looking at him, he leaned to the side, made a tense face and turned the suitcase pen on himself and to the left. I took off the headphones, looked up into the sky, and there the aircraft was quite strong before landing.



I'm also in a rough situation in the car on the brakes. Even if I sit in the back seat.

Definition of Dictionary



Jiu Jitsu (of course)

1st The art of folding clothes carefully when these clothes are still worn on people.

2nd Forced practice of yoga

Covering up democratic values, he dragged material into the house.

Hermann Gref, in many ways defining economic policy in Russia, recalls:
“Here’s this class break, my last name once started with the letter ‘G’. And this is “Today will answer,” and the hand of the teacher begins... And my heart shrinks. Then I count, using all my mathematical abilities, to calculate the speed with which my finger moves and in which part of my surname is located on the letter "g". Then I realize that he has swallowed it, I exhale, and then the finger returns.” “I’ll honestly tell you one of the most important things I’ve learned from school – I hate the assessment process, I hate exams. It’s a catastrophe... One of my personal goals is to kill exams,” he said, expressing hope that it “will take decades.”

Without realizing it, Greff formulated the main problem of the elite of the country: cowardly, dumb, poorly educated, without systemic and structural consciousness - for some reason and manage the economy of the country, and those normal, fast and efficiently thinking children and students, whose eggs from fear were not stuck in the ass from calling to the board or passing exams, because they easily understood those quite small at the level of courses - drag existence on the back of the economy. The exam is the basis of competitiveness - the strongest must win. The Greens must bring them papers. Competitiveness is the foundation of the economy. The economic leader who has decided to silence competition and competition in forming the elite of the country is the fool who is destroying the country. He is not a fool, but an enemy.