“In six months, the Russians will forget about the coronavirus pandemic,” Sergey Sobyanin said. That’s what you’re there, shit, cooking, it’s terrible.

It was in K&B. Two absolutely strangers buy alcohol, one in the mask, the other is not. And the strange thing is that it turns out that you can walk around the store without a mask, and nothing can be bought at the box office! The one in the mask paid for the purchase, and the other the cashier does not sell! The final - the first removes the mask from the face and transmits and says, "Keep Brother, you need it!" The second puts on a mask, buys a bucket and leaves.

Recently there was an announcement:

We invite you to clean up the potatoes. Of the five packages, one is yours. Coupons are issued for each barrel. The participant who gets the most coupons will receive a prize! The car! and on the other row in small letters: “cargo”.

One day, many years ago, in my apartment, I heard a breath behind my back. So heavy, thin, like a tired person before sleeping. It didn’t happen because I was alone at home. I turned around and saw my cat, a little surprised, but in general, this version made me happy. Years went by, my cat got into the habit of making doomed breaths and I didn’t pay much attention to it. Sometimes the guests were surprised to hear this sound, and I immediately accepted to explain the reason for its origin. A few years ago the cat disappeared, but the sound did not disappear and now, this painfully familiar breath sounded really frightening. You’re trying to fall asleep, and in the darkness someone breathes sharply – chew one word and it’s somewhere in the house. Then there was an incident in my apartment. Between the bathroom and the toilet, a pipe with cold water leaked. They decided to change the pipes and the sanitary began to fold the partition to get the old pipes and replace them. The guys were with curved hands, and the sanitary was old and rusty, changing the water pipeline they broke through the roof and sewerage, had to change everything. To replace the pipes of the hot and cold stand, I had to strain the neighbors from below, then I first got to them home. While the sanitary engineer cut the cartridge on the stand, I stood in the corridor, clearly and loudly heard the same sound coming from the large room that was right underneath me. I was terrified, but I couldn’t overcome my desire to know what the hell is going on there. With a quiet step, I walked into the room. It was dark, the curtains closed, the air was dull and heavy. The eyes refused to get used to the darkness, and the lungs hardly accepted the excruciated breath. The room had an ordinary setting, a bed, a wall, a carpet, a pair of chairs and a TV. The bed was not covered and I tried to focus my sight to look at it more closely, as suddenly behind my back a frightening breath, nervously transitioning into a whisper from the sound of which I literally jumped in place. The room was illuminated by a bright flash of white daylight and I finally saw the source of that strange sound that has tormented me for years.



Every time a neighbor went to the lodge to smoke, he sharply shrugged the curtains and curtains, the gardens were old, Soviet with such crocodile sticks on the wire. The lie from them was the same sound that in our apartment sounded quite like the heavy, dull breath of a condemned person and we heard it every time the neighbor smoked or shut the windows before going to bed. And I have already started to believe in the drum, especially after that horrible story, when one of my acquaintances removed an apartment with the spirit of a dead grandmother in a box.

When I was a child, I never spoke the letters "L" and "R". Instead of the first, I said "we", that is, instead of a "bowl", I said "wowka", and "r" was pronounced in the throat, not as it should be, with the tongue near the sky.

One day, a father brings home a woman who had to fix the situation.

As I remember now. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment, in a room behind a closed door, my mom handles the vacuum cleaner, my dad and I and this woman are in the kitchen. This woman asked for a teaspoon, pressed my tongue as needed, asked to say promising sounds and voila! I still speak normally, without distortions. It only took five minutes.)

Comfortable all speech and correct pronunciation =]

We are usually governed not by the wisest, but by the one who is wise.

We waited for an hour for our pediatrician, and when he came in, my little boy took him by the hand, pointed to the clock and said:
This is a clock.
It was the most passively-aggressive thing I’ve ever seen.

Free public transportation by 2035.
Thank you, I am already lucky.
I already had communism by 1980 and an apartment by 2000.

Gender equality is enshrined in the constitution, so the discriminatory retirement of men should be abolished 5 years later than women.

This poppy came to me from my first wife in the sharing of jointly acquired property, although it was not, since it appeared in her house long before me.
Take it! She said. You have two pairs of boots.
So in our house appeared a beautiful Jaco with the cat name Marquis, which was immediately renamed by my mother to Kesha.
All Kesha was good, and only one shortcoming did not give us peace. Kesha did not say. All our efforts to pull out the poppy even a word suffered a fiasco. Kesha was silent as a partisan during the interrogation.
My grandfather did not approve of these attempts.
Get away from the pope! He cried out. You have no one to talk to anymore?
Probably on this ground he and his grandfather came together. Grandfather poppy arranged as an attentive and silent interlocutor, and the poppy loved, bowing his head, to listen to his grandfather when he crafted something, or sat down in the evening at the foot.
Eventually, we decided to show Kesha to a neighbor who held two whispering wave-shaped puppets and was heard by a specialist in the training of birds in Russian.
It is worth saying that Kesha made an indelible impression on the neighbor. She was entirely delighted with him! I walked around him in circles for a long time, splashed my hands to say something, and then decided to chew something.
She stretched out her hand and touched the finger of the peacefully sleeping poppy’s head. Anxiously Kesha opened one eye, unhappyly stumbled at the unknown lady, and suddenly said clearly and clearly:
Get away from the pope!
The neighbor lost consciousness, and Kesha has since broken. It turned out to be like the anecdote about a silent boy who said one day at lunch, “Soup salted!“Why have you been silent for ten years?” He said, “Before that, everything was fine.”
So is Kesha. He was silent, and suddenly he spoke. The trouble was that he spoke with his voice, with his intonations, and most importantly with his grandfather’s vocabulary.
Grandfather, a very strong old man, was a war driver, returned without a leg, and worked as a carpenter all his life. The word never slipped into the pocket, and the vocabulary had a very characteristic for a person of such a mindset and lifestyle.
Why the puppy chose his grandfather as an object for imitation remains a mystery, but the fact remains a fact - Kesha matured precisely as a carpenter, virtuously and floating.
The neighbor was shocked, but it didn’t get out of it. She decided to take over the chief. Teach them good manners and proper Russian language. On her own initiative, she came almost every day and held classes with him on some specially mastered import methodology.
Grandfather was very angry, but he tried to hold himself in his hands. Only after the neighbor's departure something unhappy knocked under his nose. It is not hard to guess what exactly.
In the end, seeing that all her efforts do not give any results, the neighbor, to the joy of her grandfather, abandoned her classes.
And somewhere a couple of months later, when we all the family was drinking tea in the evening, she looked at the lighthouse to take care of Keshin's health. Kesha, who was sitting with us in the kitchen, when he saw the neighbor came across, and suddenly said:
Take care of the pope! Kesha is a dear bird!
It was a phrase that the neighbor had unsuccessfully tried to teach Kesha for several months. And even the fact that the poppy said this phrase with the intonations of his grandfather, could not obscure the joy of the teacher. She even seemed to have tears from deafening.
And the puppy stumbled upon the neighbor who had blown out of his success, and added with the same voice of the grandfather:
Better a cat to learn to speak, foolish.

Wake up after the operation, op! There are no eggs!
“Doctor, I said I have a hernia!
I said I was just driving out of work.

Why zero freedom? Just standing behind someone they become numbers.

Churchill lived with his wife Clementine for 57 years. He loved her. Loved very much. He was a difficult man; it was not easy to live with him. He smoked cigars in bed and wore his pyjamas and tablespoons. He drank, unfortunately.

I even drank, I could say. He experienced rises and falls, he fought, fell and rose. He was intolerable in communication and sometimes didn’t even hear what he was being told – he didn’t physically hear. I only heard myself.

He was not very attractive and did not play sports. But he loved his wife immensely and could not live without her. Sometimes I didn’t hear or listen to her.

And Clementine found a way out: she didn't cry and argue. She wrote a message to her husband. The letters. In which with love he asked, corrected, supported, or inclined to one or another correct action. And sometimes she put a heart at the end of her message – like we are on the net.

Churchill was reading. changed for the better. He was very supported by these letters. In this way, he avoided scandals and quarrels. They never fought. And he never betrayed his wife, although before the wedding he was a fan of girls and ladies.

He loved her for 57 years. Then he died of old age. Clementine was alone. She didn’t have to live – she just said she wanted to her beloved husband. There is no need for her to live. Then she began to rewrite his manuscripts. And her gaze fell on the words written by his hand – she realized that they were written for her personally.

It’s a response to her thoughts, to her grief and pain of loss. From that light he supported her and inspired her with the strength to live. So she recognised those words, which seemed to have been read again. That was the answer to her thoughtful question: “What to do and why live on?”

She heard the voice of her beloved husband through the letters: “Never give up – never, never, never, neither in the big, nor in the small, nor in the big, nor in the small, never give up, unless it is contrary to honour and common sense. Never surrender to force, never surrender to the obviously superior power of your opponent.”

She ordered all his papers and handed down all his inheritance. Then she quietly went to him, doing her job. To the one she loved so much. And who after death answered her and supported her. And explained how to live on...

All of his letters began with the words “My dear, gentle cat Clem...”

The son of the head of the hydrometeorological center was 32-35, in fact, 28 years old, by feelings - 23 years old. The place is daughter.

One childhood fairy tale I read to my daughter began like this: "Once upon a time there lived an adult four-year-old chicken..." And then I got a question I asked my aunt, who was somehow closer to the village and older, more experienced: "Do chickens live so long?" To which he received a thoughtful answer: "Maybe they live, but usually do not live."

Ironic about life.

Anyone who has gone over but does not want to leave must be planted.

It was somewhat cold. Ten degrees, rain, wind, I go out of the store, bored under the umbrella.
I see a boy in front. Maybe nine years. Sandals on bare feet, shorts, and shorts with a short sleeve. Brightly yellow.
I was overwhelmed. Ten degrees, in sensations like a fierce zero, rain, wind, and this cheerful little bitch in a bright yellow shirt, goes like nothing else, and eats ice cream.
The main thing is that he doesn’t run in a jump, squeezing from the cold, doesn’t squeeze, like all normal people, but goes so well. Not in a hurry, all concentrating on this Eskimo.
We arrived at the same time. I, bored, and he, pleased that it is cold outdoors, and so the ice cream does not melt so quickly.
A neighbor from the seventh. I know all the children in the entrance, but they are growing so fast, yesterday only in the sandbox slipped, today for beer stands.
I go into the elevator, look at him, and ask.
Do you not feel cold!? to
No of course! I was surprised by this humble, joyful bastard. I am in Mike!

When I learned about the closure of the search engine "Sputnik", in the development of which was invested 2 billion rubles and you think: I could have developed a non-functioning search engine for a smaller amount.

xxx: Cotton with a negative increase in the number of glasses in the car

YYY: Can you say anything more in Russian journalism?

The xxx:

We have a good rate of negative growth.

Do you mean “economic downturn”?

No to growth. Just a negative. The pace is very good.

A colleague of work said:

I am on a trip to the town. I sit in the hotel, walk into the room, check out.

Beautiful room, huge bathroom with jacuzzi, the size of a small pool.

I begin to work out things, expecting how I will now ballet in this very jacuzzi and thinking whether to order a champagne in the room.

At this time, a delicate knock on the door. I open - the maid stands and puts two hives with water on the threshold.

This is for the toilet.

Meaning for the toilet?

There is no water.

How about... jacuzzi.

- Aaaah, well if you want to wash, you call, I’ll warm your water.