Nowadays it is hard to stay on the swim without being a shit.

A story about a real man

“For every wise man, there is enough simplicity.”
A. The island

There is at least one such person in almost every yard.
It can be small, or tall, thin, but most likely thick. Old or very young. Absolutely different, it does not matter. But such people must have one common feature - they are with all their strength: threats, bribery, screams, intrigues, murder, in the end, they are trying to kill a plot of courtyard asphalt behind their car.

One such person lives in a neighboring house (God thank you not in our house) I don’t know his name, we’ll call him Grish. Whether he was once a mint, sat down and became a bandit, or vice versa, was a bandit, sat down and became a mint, history is silent. But, according to our concierge’s story, the whole neighboring house always stood out of him. Then Grisha wheels someone will scratch, then the nail cap will scratch, if anyone dares to put his troll on "his legitimate place."
What Grisham did not do. And the steel pins in the asphalt grabbed and the chains from the aircraft carrier stretched, but the neighbors complained to the JEC and the pins with the chains were periodically cut by the autogen. Only Grisha is not to give up. He bribed someone there in the administration, took him to the GIBDD, and also bribed a whole medical commission. In short, one day, a yellow square of a disabled person appeared on the Grishin Mercedes. Although the appearance of Grish is as healthy as a horse of the Vladimir breed, it may be true that he is all rotten from the inside, who knows him, doctors are more visible. And on "his legitimate place" appeared the most real marking of the disabled place, and most importantly - a sign according to all legal norms. Grisha under the sign also wrapped a beautiful metal tablet, apparently in the funeral office ordered, the text is quite banal: "You took my place, then take my illness."

The first week, Grisha cried, neither do you chains, nor anti-tank bars, and the place is always waiting for him, legal, disabled. But one evening, Grisha came from work, and on "his" "legal" disabled place stands an old, slightly rusty, black Volga, and on the glass of the Volga is seen a yellow sign of the disabled.

The brave grandfather, the owner of the Volga, lives in our house, as he always did, in order to make it better, but every time he "closed" one, or two at once. I also walked to work because of him.
So, he accidentally noticed that a special place for disabled people appeared in the neighboring house, and built his colombine there. This grandfather drives once every two months, not more often, and then only in the summer, so Volga and stands now in the neighboring yard on a legitimate disabled place.

Our concierge told us that he watched the historic encounter of the chromed grandfather with Grisha.

The red, from the boiling blood, Grisha, approached his grandfather, looked at him from the top down and cried:

Did you know that I personally arranged this disabled place? Do you know what kind of grandmother did I do? and?

Grandfather looked at Grisha with admiration from the bottom up, stretched out his dry pot and said:

Well, if so, then I have to say that you are a real person. Let me shake your hand.

He picked up his coat and cried home.

Serena Williams complained of biased, unplanned doping tests, which caused her weakened erection.

I saw this scene on the beach:

Marisa, don’t cry at all. Who called you a Tanner?

Crying turns into a riot.

I am not Marisa. I am Katy!

A father with three-year-old children.

Cyprus is the state bank. It was necessary to pay for three receipts, which were issued at the embassy and at the same time clearly emphasized the fact that for each receipt you need to get a separate check. At the same time, the embassy said that it is better to go to this department, they say they send everyone there and there the operators all know how to do. Next I am I, O is the cash operator.



I: You have to pay three receipts from the embassy. Please make a separate check for each receipt.

A: I can’t make a separate check, I’ll make one in common.

I: Why can’t you? I was told in the embassy that I needed three separate ones.

A: We all from the embassy do so.

I: Do three separate things so I don’t run there and there.

A: No, we can’t, we all do common.

I: (a bit of the beast) Okay, and if I pay for one receipt now, I will take the check, then leave your window, come back and pay for the second. Then I’ll do this operation again, that I’ll get three separate checks, right?

A: Okay, let me try, but we never do that.



Upon returning to the embassy, he replied, "Yes, it's all right, three separate checks are needed." So there are lazy ones in Europe, too.

I would like to pay taxes as the state protects my rights.

I swear to you, fulfill it.

One familiar grandfather, in a distant schooling youth, burned with the desire to become an alpinist. There were no mountains in the district, but he found a hill with a steep slope, used to conquer this cradle and it was plunged by a snowfall.
He lies there not knowing where the top, where the bottom and can not even move. One thing is clear, he can't get out of himself and soon he will sink here. At this point, he swears that he will call his future child by the name of his Saviour. The young man, by the way, could not move, but for life, so, but he fought.

At this point, the grandfather has several children, even more grandchildren, are planning grandchildren. And his first daughter is all called Nadia, and she appears everywhere as Nadia. In her passport, she is recorded as a find. This was the name of the housewife, who stumbled and excavated the passage to the almost stunned mountain climber.

Each of us in childhood had similar thoughts: if all the people in the world were to give me 1 ruble, they are not worth anything, and I will have enough for the rest of my life.
And then I encountered the management company, and I realized that the scheme worked.
The main thing is to believe in dreams.

On the wave of the success of our figure makers, one girlfriend of his wife decided that her daughter would definitely become a star of figure skating and actively engaged in the realization of this idea.

A sports section was found at the ice palace and classes began. Sporting is not an inexpensive sport. One of them cost 25 thousand rubles. Each class is 300 rubles for going on the ice and 1000 rubles for the coach (and these are the prices that were a few years ago). Classes 3-4 times a week.

A few months passed. And here the wife wanted to go with friends and children somewhere to have fun. A walk, a coffee and everything in that spirit.

I can not. My daughter is in class today. A friend told me.

So let the kids ride while yours is working. They will like.

And here is the ice palace, the children inadvertently walk on skis along the edge. They fall, laugh, and crawl on the ice. A girlfriend's daughter with a coach teach another element somewhere on the side.

He is the head coach of our sports division. I saw her photo on the school’s website. She is a well-deserved coach, a master of sports and all that. He then takes the most talented and trains serious athletes from them. A friend told me.

The coach approached them and stood up next to them. And then, watching the kids fool on the ice started a conversation.

Did the kids drive?

and yes. They are interested.

It is right. I have to sport. At least just ride on the slopes. Serious work is not given to everyone. I am a trainer in figurative catwalk. I have been working for many years. You look at the child and you will immediately understand whether or not.

How do you define? Interested in a friend.

Look at the girl. She pointed to a young figure that deals with the coach. - She has a fit figure, she is flexible, look at how she pulls her leg. That is beauty! Most importantly, look in the eyes! She is crazy about what she does! She loves to ride and will try anyway.

Everyone admired the girl and really noted her diligence and nice flexible figure.

Here is the complete opposite. - And then she pointed to a girlfriend's daughter - Well, you can see immediately that the girl is wooden. It does not pull, the necessary flexibility is not achieved. There is also a tendency to fullness. It will have to be planted on a diet at 9-10 years. Sweets are forbidden to eat, brides, and there will be no point anyway. Childhood will only ruin the child. And a look. Poisoned and sad. Her mother makes her work, but she doesn’t want to. He walks under the sticks. Parents try to realize their ambitions in the child.

During this speech, the girlfriend was covered with red spots.

It is not wood! She is almost sitting on the sword! She cried out.

Is this your girlfriend? I am sorry. But I do not take my words back. Body skating is not your sport.

The coach is gone. My friend proved for a long time that she was wrong. But with figure skating they quickly tied up. They went to the theatrical circle, where the girl walked with burning eyes and great pleasure.

It turns out that our government increased the life expectancy of the population only to increase the retirement time.

Pushkin

Pushkin was six years old and he was a beautiful curly girl with a beautiful name Elizabeth.
Next to Elizabeth, her mother was sitting, with one hand she held a hood with a ball dress, the other, held a phone at the ear.
Lisa, swallowing the wind, was frankly missing. Electrician had just left Moscow, and her mother was constantly shaking with her friends on the phone. There were very few people in the car and the girl took me courageously:

Why do you have a woman’s bag?

Mother, not disconnecting from the phone, without enthusiasm complained:

“Lisa, don’t stick to uncle.

I objected to:

- Well you, she doesn't bother me at all, on the contrary, for conversations and the road is more fun.

Mom satisfied and no longer returned from the depths of her phone intrigues.

I answered:

This is not a woman’s or a man’s bag, it’s a camera bag.

Then Lisa told me that she and her mother were in Moscow for a dance contest and that she took fourth place there. The girl asked the railway questions, and I answered in detail: Why the rails knock, why they need spades, and why the electric car clings to the wires.
Then she proposed:

Uncle, let’s play something.

I, not thinking long, offered to play in the cities, but the matter did not go with us, because Lisa did not know any city except Oditsovo and Moscow. Then I offered to play rhythms and quickly explained what rhythm is.
The girl immediately understood and with the speed of the computer began to issue very unusual, but philigranous rhythms to any, the most difficult words. At that time I felt something wrong, but I didn’t look, and Lisa said:

- Just rhythms - it's not interesting, let's tell me a word, and I'll come up with a little verse with that word.

Not too self-confident for a six-year-old girl? I thought and immediately decided to start with something more difficult:

- Well, invent me a verse with a word... with a word, say, a buyer.
What is it?
He is such a man, his name is Buyer.

Lisa closed her eyes and without any pause, directing herself with her hand, expressed:

A buyer looked at me under my coat.
But I was not afraid,
There is a cover...

I just stumbled and felt like Mr. Salleri listening to Mozart’s Requiem.
Neither I nor any of my acquaintances, except, probably, Dima Bykova, would have been able to issue something like this, and here the six-year-old Pushkin in the electric car.
Pushkin’s mother moved and, without breaking away from the phone, said:

“Lisa, next time we go out, say goodbye to uncle, don’t forget the windshield and let’s go.

The girl stood up from the bench and quickly spoke:

- Let us soon, or let us go out, the last word, so that I can compose the last verse.

I, not yet to the end of the shower, burned out the absolutely unthinkable:

The spider Corchagin.
What is a spider?
- It's also a man, Pavka, well, Paul is the name, and Korchagin is the surname. The spider Corchagin.

Pushkin sneezed, closed his eyes and expressed:

In the house where Pavka Korchagin lived,
It was dark,
Only the sticks hit...

Good bye Uncle.

After Lisa and my mother got out, I came to myself for half an hour, I barely stopped, because such a level of rhythm could be given by at least Vysotsky, and that, not immediately, but after a sleepy night.
At least she would soon be explained that she is Pushkin.
Ay da Lisa, Ay da Suki son...

No matter what they talk about in the West, and Russia is still a very free country! Putin personally opposes raising the retirement age, and it is still democratically raised. Putin is against corruption.

From an unknown number yesterday came a SMS - "A man with a small member was shot down in Nevsk. “Are you okay?” How to react to that?

When Rahmaninov arrived in America, a music critic surprised him:

Why is the master dressed so modestly?

“Nobody knows me here anyway,” replied Rahmaninov.

Over time, the composer has not changed his habits.

And the same critic asks again a few years later:

“Master, your material circumstances have changed significantly for the better, but you haven’t gotten better dressed.

“Why, everybody knows me,” Rahmanin shrugged his shoulders.

Again about female logic.

There has been a lot of growth in the area. The wife asked her to form a crown in the form of a pyramid. I carefully cut off everything excessive, it turned out to be quite a decent "pyramid". I called my wife, rightly hoping for praise, but she said on the go that I had defiled the tree.

You asked for a pyramid.

Yes, but not such a thing!

Please paint what she wants.

This is how the oval is painted.

I am very emotional and my husband is not. I recently went out on the balcony, and I admire it through the glass: how beautiful and beautiful it is. I breathe in euphoria on the glass, smile and paint a heart. He smiles in response, breathes on the glass and paints a penis. I stop lying stupidly and lock it on the balcony!

My friend Serega was doing repairs with his parents in the apartment. The apartment is located in the first in the USSR youth housing complex - MŽK. It should be noted that in addition to the construction of these houses were also attracted to future young tenants - engineers of the space industry, who instead of working several days a week helped in the construction of work that did not require special qualifications. The lack of materials and qualifications during the tough socialist periods taught builders to be reckless, but at the same time had a strong impact on the quality of future apartments, one of which came to my friend’s parents in the 1970s.



During the meeting Sereg, excited by the repair, said a mysterious phrase:



In life you will not guess what is in this apartment under the linoleum!



My shy assumptions – concrete, fence, wood, glass, maybe even foam – caused Seregha only to shake his head and smile a man who knew the bitter mystery.



When I listed all the materials I knew used in the living room, he took a deep look and said sadly:



Fuck you guessed. The asphalt!

If this is the case, then they will not be spent on retirement, but will be carried out.

Now is the time to defend my diplomas and I remember my defense.
He presented his diploma and answered one of the questions:
“To be honest, I didn’t get into that.”
One of the teachers turned to us and said:
“Never, never say that. Remember the phrase – THAT wasn’t the purpose of my research.”

Hermann Gref proposed to make the retirement age, as in Germany - 67 years, and to give loans, as the Sberbank in Germany, under 0.9% of the year did not offer.