A colleague called, said that she was in the hospital with female disorders.

She said literally: "They propose, if the dropless does not help, to do some euthanasia."

I laughed, realizing that she was confused with abrasion.

The next morning, telling the rest at work about the sick, decided to laugh the people.

I say, “Ilonka said, they are offering euthanasia.”

The first: “Let it agree, nothing terrible!”

The second: "I have been done twice, tomorrow as a cucumbers!"

“Doctors will not advise bad!”

One programmer developed software for one of our large companies. He asked for my help in putting it into operation. When I sat down with one woman and told her that I would show her how to make changes to the files, she breathed with relief and then said, “I’m so glad you’ll be teaching me for him.”

Surprised, I said that my colleague was much more experienced than me.

“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you...I’m nervous with smart people.”

If you give a palace to pigs, the pigs in the palace will never become humans, but the palace will inevitably turn into a pig farm.

Flight Valkyrie

In the early 1990s, the military part lost among the Volga steppes. To the nearest large settlement - from half a hundred kilometers. In most auxiliary positions - the wives of officers (other work in the district is still not, and in the hungry 90s the extra penny in the family budget did not hinder anyone). One detail: the military part - VDV.

For those who did not serve an explanation: the monetary remuneration of a military servant is formed somewhat differently than that of civilians. Two main components are the salary of the military rank (conditionally: the captain receives more of a major, but less of a major) and the salary of the military position, as well as a lot of surcharges (for years of service, for access to secret information, special conditions of service, etc.). So, the desanters were entitled (and still seem to be entitled) a surcharge for performing a certain number of parachute jumps. I will not say the exact size, as much as it was possible to get up to 50% of the salary on the military rank.

This is the same 50% of the salary and did not give rest to numerous combat friends. To jump once - and get a solid increase in salary for a whole year, all this seemed like a great idea to replenish the family budget. In short, the commander of the unit was besieged with this issue for almost a year. And if you think that two dozen women can’t stand the brain of one general, then you obviously underestimate the abilities of the opposite sex.

In general, after some time, even the combat general could not withstand, said "X... with you, dear women" and appointed a day of leaps for all the ladies - soldiers. “Command the parade” was commissioned by my father’s co-worker. Two dozen people were loaded into a corn farm, a couple of sergeants were given to the father's fellow servant in reinforcement, and, as they say, goodbye to the earth.

In the beginning, everything went well, until the plane reached the desired height, and one of the sergeants opened the door and invited him to exit. As you understand, the female battalion immediately paralyzed, and the nearest lady to the exit began a natural hysteria. The sergeant tried to apply the same technique that had been successfully used with newly recruited soldiers for many decades before, namely: take the jumping for the skirts, and put the acceleration of the knee under the ass, send the puppy to fly overboard the aircraft. However, it almost immediately turned out that this technique does not work with the female contingent at all.

To begin with, the first "bird" who got under his hand scratched the sergeant's whole face with his nails, came to his knee in his mouth, and, breaking out, fled to the other end of the plane. At that time, all the other valquiries were already there. The sergeant, who had received a strict order from the general before the very flight "look to all these b... jump," made a key mistake: instead of negotiating with the enemy, he, pressing with one hand the scratched face, moved onto a crowd of jumpers with the firm intention to throw them all out of the plane.

Have you ever seen a women’s fight? Ask any police officer what is the difference between a male and a female fight. The main difference: in male fighting, as a rule, opponents do not aim to destroy each other. To cut, to immobilize – yes, but not to destroy. In contrast, for women, fighting is like the last battle in life, where you have to survive at all costs. Therefore, scratching the face, stripping the hair, getting the falling on the ground, etc. goes on. At first, a few people stumbled upon the unfortunate sergeant. The remaining at this time with the eyes of the zombies looked at the unfortunate fellow servant of his father. As he later told, he had already had Afghanistan, Tajikistan and a couple of small local conflicts behind his shoulders at the time. But he was never so scared. You can’t shoot the enemy (although you really wanted to), jump out of the plane too (he doesn’t have a parachute). The only thing left was to knock on the door of the pilot’s cabin and scream “Say to...your mother!”

The plane landed on the ground. And the general who approved all this madness, and the husbands of the failed jumpers. The female battalion left the aircraft quite relentlessly. The wounded sergeant had to be taken under his arms (later it turned out that the bones were whole, but the scratched face was added to the whole body). My father’s co-worker got out of the plane, sat down and smoked. He was approached by a general, commander of the unit.

Do you want a medal?
Better than vodka.

The issue of women’s jumping in part was not raised.

Dmitry Peskov is the only secretary in the world to get on the Forbes list.

Great Russia, and garbage incinerators are nowhere to put.

The sounds awakened. A car could not get under the windows for a long time. The starter brushes, then catches and swallows in a second. And so for about half an hour. This is the battery - health, see, breathe. Oru: the saucer pull out! and pause. I hear: it starts from the pipe and leaves smoothly. In the evening, I find out that the nine was stolen from our courtyard.

I am going to surrender as a co-conspirator.

There would be an Indonesian who would fool Putin, and in response - a ban on palm oil!

Good day! Have you tried our remedy for cockroaches?

and yes. It works.

– Oh! It is wonderful! Thanks for the good news! Could you tell me more about the result?

What do you expect to hear? What do the cockroaches have gathered ten coats for me so that I don’t bring any more?

Do not catch the straw: pour it, so drink to the bottom.

Once in the USSR

From each department, someone had to be sent to the Society of sobriety.
The manager called me. Next to him was the parth of the faculty.

Women like an affordable loan: excellent conditions, beautiful advertising, from documents only a passport, then a lifetime must.

This week one of our employees came from vacation. Everything was done, everyone brought a gift - to everyone with a hint. To whom a glass of beer, to whom a T-shirt "fishing troops", to whom a statuette of a man with a beer bottle.

Then came the turn of the boss. The guy gets a tape of some painted condoms (they are sold in resorts, with various pictures and inscriptions), and stretches them to the master with the words "it's you, without a hint if anything. I just saw why I remembered you.”

A bit of the investigator’s work.

In almost every change we see death. It is impossible to get used to it, but it is little that can shock. I was surprised today. Accident with the dead. The car was turned, the roof was cut by a fighter, things flew across the road. And here one of the drivers, passing by, stops, comes out of the car, takes the perforator of the deceased and goes...

The driver caught him, the stolen was returned. A history without morality, just about those around us...

Hi to you! This is the Sberbank Security Service. We recorded a suspicious transfer from your card to the name of Sokolov Ivan Sergeevich from Kaluga for 3641 rubles. Did you do this translation?

Yes of course!

Was it exactly done?

I just translated. Is it okay?

Oh... go on fucking!

Who teaches telemarketers in the Kirov colony? Well, how is it: just off the script and the whole dialogue will be filled up immediately!

Yesterday I heard from my wife the phrase that my mother said to my father, I was always wondering why my father agrees to it, because it is so disgusting. I realized that the report of a new stage of our life with our wife began and there is no way back. She opened the refrigerator, saw a potato that stood in the pot for a long time, looked at me and just asked:

“Will you eat or will I throw it away?”

From each department, someone had to be sent to the Society of sobriety.

The manager called me. Next to him was the parth of the faculty.

― Sergey, ― started with the snack carefully, ― You don’t seem to drink?

― I do not drink. ― I agree with you.

This is beautiful. ― The chief and the partorg looked over and breathed relieved, after which the chief continued, ― So you will join the Society of sobriety. You’ll be there... fighting.

― With whom? ― I asked him.

― Well, with whom, with whom...― the chairman and partorg again looked, ― With us.

A familiar Cossacks told how she was all called Alena, even in school. And it was only in the fifth grade that she learned that her real name was Altingul - her brother told me during a quarrel, something like: and you are not even Allena at all!

Yyy: Guli, Alguli, Altinguli This is a job for a witch.

I see this scene. The director of Bilayna enters a sorting in a restaurant. The poor man is running away. He touches the door, and he is operated by the speaker:

If you want a small one, say 1. if you want a large one.

D is alone.

A - We inform you that washing water today with a discount, $5 for 0.5 liters.

D. Open it now.

A - Also, the bonus package includes a refresher after the toilet.

D. I understood it fucking.

The cost of music in the toilet is charged separately.

D: You are fucking fucking!

Toilet paper is not included in the cost of visiting the toilet.

D. I want to go! Open the blade!

Remember, there are discounts in the evening. Now you can open the toilet door.

D. Go on, don’t have to...

O - You have $19 and 80 cents. A pleasant day. Evaluate the work of the operator you can...

I had a uncle and a aunt. His mother's brother is Gena (that is, Gennady) and his wife is Dusya (that is, Evdokia). They lived a little more than a hundred and a half kilometers from us. Despite the distance, we see each other at least once a year. Sometimes they are with us, sometimes we are with them. In general, they communicated not badly, I thought I knew them well. And here at the age of edak at 16-17, I find out that my uncle Genah is not Genah in fact. According to his passport, he is George. Well, he didn’t like his abbreviated name Jora and he decided to be a Genius. I learned about it from Bati, he “delivered” it in a random conversation.

Time goes by, people get older. I came in for Uncle Genoa. Unfortunately, my aunt did not survive too much. This year, he was at the “parent’s” in their town and went to their graves. They lie in a row, George and... Stop! So it turns out, Aunt Duja on the passport was Agrapen! And I only learned it now, and I, for a moment, already forty. She was called Dusai for the same reason: I didn't like the "native" name (that I learned later from my mother). This is the family of encryptors.