bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №127164
 21.04.2016
I work in the registration of the children's clinic, and somehow all these Makara, Adelina and Eloise are used to. There is even Peresvet and Avigea.
One day I got a card of a girl named Tatiana. The whole team looked at the cover of the map for half an hour, unable to believe that the girl born in 2014 was named Tanya.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №127163
 21.04.2016
Once in a small sub-Moscow town, they stood with a comrade near his priora, waiting for a girlfriend. Suddenly, another priora is parked right in a metre from us. There was a place around the dungeon. From there, they start wildly “bulling bases”. A guy comes out in an incredibly stylish black sports suit, with fashionable white strips. He smokes and looks at us regularly. I thought maybe he was waiting for someone too. Then he opened the door, apparently because through the window we could not fully admire its powerful sound. Then he drove. He looked at us full of self-satisfaction, sat in the car and left. Then we thought that maybe he was calling us into a competition in decibels to decide who was the dominant primordial male in this court. But apparently he won, and all the corresponding females now...

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №127162
 21.04.2016
It was in the winter of the first half of the 2000s. We went to the sanatorium. The sanatorium was not located somewhere in nature, in the depths of the forest or on the banks of the river, but on the outskirts of the city and was headed to the factory. Everything was quite boring and boring (in fact to the hollow).Mobile and tablets then nobody had, so in the quiet hours everyone themselves as much as they could. I also invented fun.

There was no cultural program in the sanatorium. For participation in all kinds of "Mr. Sanatorium" gave domestic currency, which could be spent in an improvised store. The currency was a piece of colored cardboard, on the back of which the mark was written the denomination of the note, the signature of the educator and all this was carefully sealed by the Scotch. I was noticed that the bill 2 "sanatorium" in color coincided with the twenty. And then the technical issue.

Experimentally (having played out 2 bills) it was established that it was useless to just carefully break the scotch and draw the zero. Together with the Scotch, the painting of the educator was broken (seemingly, the ink did not penetrate as deeply into the cardboard as the marker). Therefore, in the place where it was necessary to draw the zero, a square of Scotch was cut, a 0 was drawn, and all this on the surface was glued with a new layer of Scotch. I was very careful.

The first falsifications. The fame about me fled quickly. I made money not only for myself, but for 30% of the sum I converted 2 to 20, 5 to 50.

No matter what, I exchanged 50k for quite legal cents. One day, during the exchange, I heard the talk of the organizers: "There are a lot of "sanatics" in circulation. And then I realized that Stirlitz was not so close to failure, as I did not participate in competitions (there was no need), and the money changed frequently. I had to hire couriers. Couriers for 10% exchanged my counterfeits for the original currency. I became a local oligarch. Many knew this, of course, except for the organizers and my class leader. and Korean. Then the prices in the store went up. This is how I created inflation.



“It was a lucky 90s, we earned as much as we could.”

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №127161
 21.04.2016
Automotive Attavism is a compass. It is necessary if everyone has a navigation system for a long time. Or at the smartphone.

This is not a compass. I don’t know exactly how it’s called, but it seems to indicate the angle of the car’s crate.

I looked closely, not the compass. Strangely, I had the same compass on the paddle.

Yyy: There were compasses before, especially in Japanese cars for some reason remembered.

Ash: The cranometer is called. There is a need to go on the road. You can see when you turn.

Add: We have to go with the grandmothers, they whip instead of a cronometer.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №127160
 21.04.2016
If he was born and lived without any meaning, he did not die in vain.

[ + 55 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №127159
 21.04.2016
Forgive the infantry for being so foolish.

At the end of the Odyssey of Fatherland service, the stormy waves threw my broken body to the island of peace. The part was technical, half-sleeping, carried some kind of no-needed combat duty and mainly engaged in self-service and self-protection.
Most of the timetables were called out of the institutions, so the grandfather in part existed in such a light version that there was no such thing. I then wandered through zoos, where 80 percent of the personal staff of animals contained 20 percent of the killed people in entirely Scottish conditions, her birthplace, I did not find there at all. But the local grandparents were very offended when I called the customs of the barracks kindergarten. Because of silence.
The hunt for people to think that they are wicked here is their will. How is it! Colin's grandfather shouted at Vasa's ghost three months ago! We send out young people! The flies are running! We give them money and they run away. Then we drink tea with the brides on duty! We are strict here! You will not joke! No bigger ass! We are unconstitutional, did we see?! to
I nodded my head trying to squeeze the lily. A ghost in a chip? The Pizzeria. In my former part, it was a death sentence.

Officers were parting. Half of the pyjamas - they are the same "two-gowns" - after institutions, the rest are graduates of technical military colleges. The fact that officers are with twists on the crust, and not only with traces of fur, I learned only there. When the captain through his teeth in a dispute with the senior of the rank issued: "I, of course, understand, Comrade Major, that the sinus in wartime can reach four, but the laws of physics nobody has abolished even in the army..." What? The officer said “Sinus?” This is not the Soviet army. This is fucking alien! What are the Soviet officers? and polite? and sober? Do you know mathematics? In the previous part, I called the tested, rushed Deputy Determinant, and he almost shot me in rage. And here...Not otherwise it is the Marsians preparing an invasion! You have to serve the post of a gaulier somewhere south!
I found a warm place. A separate reserve headquarters does not understand anything. There I was solving tasks for full-time officers from the Academy and universities, and dreamed of a dembel. but.
My sensitive third nose smelled trouble.
“I don’t know the details,
But in general, it is probably a sign.
Threatening state shock.”
The shocks did not slow to appear in the form of Lehi.
He knows what kind of staff fox sent the letehu-mabuteya into this incubator of eggs.
What could Lecha do after the military school? to run. And yet? I could not run. Maybe it is all. And here... Automatic, crazy, control systems... what mathematics, shit, physics, fuck it in your mouth. Full of fucking. Leah was put into a bunker. He will find out what’s new. by Shizze. Lehe was able to surrender peacefully in captivity after six months. He would tell his enemies even under the most terrible torture. The game remains an unknown universe for him. Desperate to make from an officer a specialist, Leshu was thrown as the commander of the squadron and forgotten.
What do you want from this child? The Combat said. (Glasses, three languages, French pronouns, beard) He is a shooter, you know? Do not understand? And he understands nothing. and will not understand. Pee Ho! IN-FAN-TE-RIA in the old way. I couldn’t understand what word that name was from. Now has arrived. From Enfant terrible, which in French means "unbearable child". Send this cute knabe, which in German means "child" to the troops in the third company and try to make it less likely to come to my eyes. And I will try to send the fool into his sweet heart's barracks. I need to talk to the general. Why a young man here?

The cute knabbie got stuck in the company and let us all crack. On the first night, he issued a “Battle Alarm”. Of the whole company, only I and Lecha knew this. The rest were stupidly knocking their eyes and didn’t understand what they really wanted from them?
While I was on the previous instincts, dressed for half a minute, in shorts, thrown on top of the shoes-"paraphrases" I stumbled at the gunman-Leh and the company stumbled on each other.
What are you screaming so much? What happened? The fire?
Have you broken everything here? Alert to you!!! to
What is the alarm, Lieutenant Lieutenant? We are warned of the alarm in three days!
What are you??? Are you in the army or where? The AAAA?
His gaze focused on me. The UFFF! Only one man was found! to me! The name? Okay well? You will be a castle!
The fucking. I need it. Elijah then replied.
Then the black days began. Comrade intelligent Lech was frightened by cries about our unpreparedness for war. Wouldn’t they get the bus? and? Are we not able to run? What? How will they get to the object? By a taxi? Who would you fuck up, Captain? and?
Whatever the child did, Kapp shrugged his hand. We started with Figo. I have already gone through all this. I didn’t like to run, but I could. And the rest...that was something. The crowd moved like pregnant grandmothers. With oaks and swings. Everyone shrugged their feet. Besides me, I haven’t had a big cabbage size with a cow copito at that time. It is still on me.
Leah added a tournament. The people went into the sanctuary.
Interestingly, a chakal hunter like me did not have any bad feelings about Lexie, unlike the whole company. I even sympathized. Lecha pleased me, and when I saw that I could go out on the tournament 25 times "for two" he even allowed me to switch to "you".
Well what? The normal Hans. Not the ugly. Not a knocker. He took Fizo. He runs away with everybody. And yet how! I remember driving them all overnight to the snowed stadium. The snow was under a meter. And they ran! and ah. A hundred meters later, they all fell. Leah jumped forward.
You don’t understand it! he cheered gladly. You are running wrong! I have to jump! and up! See also! The AP! Do you understand?! to
And, pulling the shaft behind the belt, Lecha jumped into the ass of a goat. Jump and jump! Lexie jumped through the whole stadium around the circle without even swallowing.
See also! It is simple! and up! understood?! to
With the eyes of the horses, the dead bodies were looking at him. His eyes prayed, “Doe!”

The only plus of Lehi-policy information ceased to be boring.
Example of:
Lisha thumbs a kind of hurry about the role of the party...I, the shark, raise my hand.
– and?
I saw some iron man here in the "Soviet Warrior" magazine.
Show me!
The vote...
and dick! This is AGS! We called it weapons against the Chinese. Three meters of grass!
And we! and I! I’m in school, but I remember at school.
Ten minutes later, the commander of the company opens the door of Lenin’s room—he was attracted by strange sounds. There is something to see there. The officer stands on the table and shoots from his hip with some imaginary but very loud weapon.
THAT is THAT!! Wake up!! to
The Lieutenant!
– and?! to
Come out for a moment with me.
A cat that looks like a leach is flocking to the captain. Outside the door, the chief ebucks and Lechina excuses are heard.
It enters. A beaten dog. He takes a conspiracy. is rejected.
The party and government are constantly...
Shit the lieutenant!
– and?
I’ve seen a red star here.
Show me!
...
Then we started the tactic. The intelligence slipped in the dirt and materialized in a very military way. is correct. Being determines consciousness. As my childhood lover, Louis Bussinard, wrote, in the war there are many and often disgraceful things. Leha worked with us the exercise "The squadron in the offensive" by the German method - "the snake".
Then the shooting. I sent Lesha naked while trying to give me advice. We have fought. Then came the results of the shooting. Leia apologized. He is a normal guy, but clearly not in his place. Grandma would him.
We went to the town with Lech. I went to a familiar seller. I had a small hatchback and a big romance with her. I was looking for plans for the evening.
– and! What a beautiful girl! the idiotic voice of Leishin spread behind her back. Do you know my soldier? He will buy you sweets.
What idiot is this? I was surprised by the light.
Do not pay attention. Okay until we meet.
We went out. They smoked.
Lash, can I ask a question?
W?
Did you have a grandmother? At least alone?
and E?
Yes or No?
Well there is...
What are you fucking? You even went to school on a BTR ride on vacation and told me. Child of Military. You can’t play everything in pests. Are you from Suvorovsky?
and well.
and understandable. Heavy childhood, deprived of vitamins, iron toys, glued to the floor, slippery window, hairy hands of nurses...
Change the topic.
Let me go to your grandmother, right?
You are what! This is no gate...
Lash, I won’t even touch them. I promise only sweets, gifted by you, to bite.
I turn around, flying all in red spots on my mouth. The decline! He is still embarrassed!
Bring children into the army.

Over the dumb leeches were thick clouds.
As I did not warn Lexie, it did not help. Leha dreamed of a heroic death in Afghanistan and was afraid to lose his sports form.
What kind of Afghanistan? Forget it! You are now here with permission-you fucking abroad will be released, a secretary of such an important.
I know nothing! What are the secrets here?
That is the main secret!
What is?
That there is nothing secret in our part is secret, you know? The apparatus of the 60s - with such still Mamai came - it is and must be hidden from a possible enemy. Otherwise he will laugh and our leaders will be ashamed at negotiations.
I did not understand.
Here you are Babel! And you would get stuck with that stitch! You will get into trouble here. Forgot the main rule in the army? “Don’t run in front, don’t run behind, and don’t talk in the middle.” Did you know that our company is now called “Cone-Sports”?
“Aaaah, I understand why in the headquarters I was ripped in the back and rotted on a horse...
and w. You will jump, thief.
Would you stop the infantry? She has her chest in crosses or her head in bushes.

The exercises approached. Something that happens once every 5 years. Under the motto "Take off the cock, scratch the hat"
Among other things, the exercises were devoted to protecting against divers. In the neighboring part, the saboteurs, in turn, carried out an attack on the object. Everyone got puzzles, up to the commander’s pudel. He, by the way, was the only one who had any resistance in the capture – he grabbed the Rex by the leg before getting the egg-breaker.
The rest weighed the lilies for nothing.
The commander was nervous. They can be understood. Colonels are rarely beaten in the mouth with examples, and it is absolutely unpleasant to recall former student feelings. The CPCs were placed in the frozen DOTs. delivered the weapons. Did the co-workers try to change? I was a little in the subject. What to do? Run into different directions. There is a possibility that no one will be caught. At the height of this special forces hysteria, Lehe was instructed to conduct a shift to the object. The Blessed Infantry was, as usual, unaware of what was happening. He lacked a sense of "rucha" - the army intuition, that is, the ability of the head to feel the ass.
He got bored on the road. And in order not to work out the tactic at the same time, a foolish idea came to Leshin. and athletic!
It is up!! At the attack!! Uraahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!! to
The people in Dotah, seeing the terrible special forces coming, immediately blowed into the woods, throwing their weapons. Through them came the riddles. If the police were to run, it would mean that it was a shit, all thought of running. The object in full composition, by the loose threshold, disappeared in the cupboard. The 130-pound colonel ran for the first time in 20 years and immediately turned his leg. First, he shouted after the subordinate forgotten scroll, then, with the scull, went under the store. Waiting for an imminent execution.
In front of the CPC, Leha gathered a squadron and, wishing to distinguish himself, ordered him to sing a song.
The shirt! The Rhythm! The Rhythm! Two of Three!! The song! Behind you!

Above the vast fields,
over the rivers,
over the grenades,
The song is flying.
Russia, my beloved
Fathers of Topol.
As a path for a soldier,
The Russian homeland!! to

– Go out, pasquades, I thought toughly about the morning under the store. He reminded me of yesterday’s joke:
I am not going to the circus.
Why Why?
The clowns are crazy!
And seriously?
No, shit with jokes!
At the fucks. How I care. How many bulls! I’ll fuck you all if I’m alive, I thought he would put his wicked thoughts under the bench.
Stand up twice!
Leah looked around. and none. Almost all non-smoked cigarettes are smoked on the asphalt near the smoker. and silence...
Where is it all?
One and a half kilometers have already been driven by the boeracks. They kiss so that the kites are wrapped up...
Oh wow! Is anyone alive?! to
No, shit, dying so with music was the pride of the colonel. He came out of the store. All in bulls and net.
Leah turned to the commander.
Polkan spoke to the subordinate.
It was heard as the heads of the two were crisscrossed.
I am a baron!!The Colonel swallowed with Baby’s pleasant voice – HNIDA YOU ARE RATE!!! to me!!! to
Leah was stunned.
It came to me here. I remembered the alarming headquarters rumors, compared them to our catastrophic attack and fell face to face in the snow. I did not feel the cold. They say they have lost a lot. I did not see the regiment chasing Lech with a bagger ripped from the fire shield.
...
Lechu was fucked with a telegraph column, then broken in half and both half again fucked with a telegraph column. The lieutenant cried out. There was a big bull on the service. We breathed joyfully. One of them was sorry for me.
He got stuck in the barracks with a blue face and waved out the window for a long time.
and Lech!
and he?
He was separated from Versailles. of the fool. You can’t drink, but you’re young.
I thought “Lt.
It sounds like, “Take us!”
Knowing the topography,
He sits on the gray.

Why is?
Go from here. There is nothing to fool here.
I took him to the grandmothers. And then it goes on, Burrito.
Who knew it would go so? Leah has found his calling. This shit is innate. Practice is lively. External is secondary. The main thing is the pale species. Lecha opened up in this field, like Mozart behind the clavecin. He moved the whole town. He directed the horns of half the garrison. He murdered the colonel’s daughter.
The Colonel just agreed to scratch him to the fucking mother and here on!
The third month. I can not love. had to marry. By my dembel Lecha had already received a starley and held a major position. I was calm for him. “Well good, but better.”
The infantry is like that. It will break everywhere.

Where the armored train does not pass,
The steel bird will not fly.
Soldiers on the sword
And nothing will happen to him.”

DIXI

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №127158
 21.04.2016
“Hi, my name is Dmitry, and I stole a panda from the zoo.
We have an Anonymous Alcoholics Club.
Do you think I did it sober?

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №127157
 21.04.2016
Stop the joke about names, it will not lead to anything, because the choice of a child's name is only a matter of taste for parents. Who likes apples and who likes pears? My husband and I, for example, do not like the familiar names for locals such as Masha, Dasha, Sveta, Ira, Igor, etc. I don’t like how it sounds. Not by taste. Our hobbies are international, the circle of communication is wide, we are accustomed to the sound of different names. We chose names for children that we like - yes, western (English and German), but sounding and inclined. We are pleased to speak them. Another thing is if they give a name whose carrier will clearly become a potential victim of ridicule, but, I think, a loving parent will not do so.
For those who are categorical, this is what I have to say: Thani, Katie, and Yuli, as you mentioned, were not always our usual, normal names. They have no Slavic roots. They survived, as you can see. Read books, develop, meditate, and drink a light sedative if you are so irritated by even such little things as other people’s names. The world is colorful and diverse.
Everyone is good :)

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №127156
 21.04.2016
YYY: My experience has proved that a man is better at cooking than any of his wives, but worse than his mother, and all together worse than his grandmother.

[ + 25 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №127155
 21.04.2016
Ruble of Delivery:
I will add my 5 copies to this:

Now all Alicia, Snowmen, Vitaly and Dominica. Well, not all, but half, and if I wanted individuality, I could even name something more original.
For example, the Fedora.

You won’t believe my son is 4.5 years old. by Fedor. Two former colleagues have sons (approximately one-and-a-half years) also Fedor. It doesn’t seem very original, don’t you think?

Is there a daughter of Fedor?

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №127154
 21.04.2016
The phrase that made the day:
They distinguish two categories of people by behavior in critical situations, when all normal ways to solve a problem are exhausted. The first one prays. The second is unfortunate.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №127153
 21.04.2016
Comment on the online article on the need to clean up for your pets:
Buggas: I realized that my level of laziness had not reached the limit when I saw somebody walking a dog on a leash from the first floor through the window.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №127152
 21.04.2016
Doll 20132, you reminded me of the joke: "and you complain, or you boast". All of him is a diversely developed personality, and she seeks the "lovest dresses," and listens to unusual music. I forgot to write that you, such a beautiful, were plagued by the sellers with questions about the passport.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №127151
 21.04.2016
Fuck the names.

His name is Alexander Alexanderovich.

He lives and does not fade.

[ + 19 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №127150
 21.04.2016
"When he learned about the criticism, Led Zeppelin producer asked who Yuri Losa was"
I, when the laughter "left" me, also asked that.

[ + 18 - ] Comment quote №127149
 21.04.2016
They call the children fucking like, and the children suffer.
WOW: Yes, yes, but Legolas Transduilovich, his father-in-law, did not prevent him from shooting from the arc to the orcs and helping the hobbit dwarfs.

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №127148
 21.04.2016
I read your book here and am amazed.
Each of you has a completely different understanding of strange names and your own personal, unique associations such as “Klim” are the action of something. And then "what parents generally think when they call their children so.
But why didn't anyone think that all the other people are ordinary, namely you and your associations are strange, so no one is equal to you?

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №127147
 21.04.2016
About the Flying Selfie
“One noticeable change I see now,” he said. Here are these
airborne cameras, which are controlled by small
The box. The day I broke up with the Earth, it was not yet.
has existed. The inventor is probably a foolish man...."
by W. Tenne "Term of advance" 1956

[ + 29 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №127146
 21.04.2016
The strawberries are not just cheese. In the north (Arkhangelsk) was melted with threshold. These fatty and dried fish burn very well. With a shortage of wood (steppe-tundra) and abundance of fish - a very convenient solution. Today, when even garbage mintai is more expensive than Argentine pork, of course, it seems wild.

[ + 21 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №127145
 21.04.2016
The Municipal Emergency Rescue Service of Novosibirsk has announced a set of rescue sailors for the upcoming bathing season.

According to the head of the MASS, the service needs 80 rescue sailors. A potential rescuer should be in good physical shape and be able to swim perfectly. In addition, the savior should not be more than 150 kg - "the boat may not withstand," the boss noted.

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