On the ordinary bench of an ordinary Moscow house sit two grandmothers. Looking at them, it seems like this has always been the case, but the house and bench appeared only in 1978. They destroyed a typical Moscow village and built new, multi-storey houses in its place. Now the grandmothers are ninety years old and they come from the very ruined village.

Ordinary grandmothers on a regular bench. All inhabitants of the entrance, without exception, greet the old ladies with a smile and some piety.

Once every two weeks, a large black jeep enters the house, uncharacteristically parking for a long time, so that no one is disturbed, a tall forty-year-old pyjama with voluminous packages "Albums of Taste" comes out of the car - a special store for the sale of edible potatoes. Grandmothers call the pyjona Fat, although from the excess weight he only has bags with snails, the pyjona also magnifies the grandmothers Paul Sosipatovny and Maria Illinichna. The fat approaches the old women, and they don’t talk long. After half an hour, leaving the bags on the bench, Fat warmly says goodbye and leaves. During the holidays, flowers are left with packages. A roommate could be taken for the grandson of one of the grandmothers, but almost all the inhabitants of the house know that this is not the case.
Fat - the producer of one of the Russian TV channels and family ties with our old women does not have at all: none of the relatives of the grandmothers remained and the grandmothers are sitting on the bench.

They sit down, sometimes discussing "where this world goes" and why the son of a aunt from the second floor went to America, when he worked well at the factory here.
They are different. Pavla Sosipatovna eagerly responds to "Bab Pasha", and
“Bab Masha” Maria Ilhinicna insultingly presses her lips. Maria Illinichna, sitting on the bench, usually reads Dontsov with Marinina, and Baba Pasha does not read anything, but looks so closely at those passing by and knows so much about them that any CIA officer for such detailed information will put his agency badge. If, of course, the officer will be interested in the residents of the ordinary house in the sleeping district of Moscow.

They are different, although they were born in the same village. Maria is in a family of rural teachers, and Pasha is in a normal village family. At 17 years
Maria gathered at the institute and married, and the boyfriend Komsomolskaya Pasha did not go anywhere, but recruited to Kolima and left, taking with her the bridegroom of Mary Illinois. So it happened. Then it happened that Mary
Illinichna, after studying at the institute, worked as a teacher of literature until the age of seventy, never married and had no time to have children.
Just like Pasha. Pashin's husband and ex-Machin's fiancé, a year after leaving
Colima froze there on a drunk bar, Pasha returned to the village and began to work in the collegiate garden.

The colloquium was made a council farm and closed, the colloquial garden was partly cut off, the village was demolished, a house was built in its place and a bench was set up. The house gave apartments to almost all villagers. Bab Pashe one-room on the seventh, and Mary Illinois as a teacher a whole two-room on the fifth.

It took a while and they met on the bench. Old age and loneliness suppressed old grievances and they became friends. They became friends to such an extent that they decided to live together with Mary Illinois, and Bab Pašin to rent an apartment. Both live cheaper, and from leaving an apartment a good increase to pensions came out. The apartment was quickly found. Such housewives in Moscow are a pond of ponds: a beautiful young girl came to conquer television, stage and circus at once, theater and cinema a little by the weather, and then all Moscow entirely, so as not to be exchanged. The house was called Lenka, she paid carefully, in the apartment was not disgraceful, and the men sometimes went to her, and the matter was young, as Baba Pasha said, and you can get on TV only through the bed, I read, and Mary Illinichna agreed with her.

They, as usual, sat on the bench when a large black jeep appeared in front of the house. Large wheels overcame the low edge, the jeep entered the sidewalk and walked half a meter away from the old women, almost barring the passage and closing the view to the grandmothers.

Maria Illinichna wanted to ask the driver to remove the car further and had already begun to build a literary-right phrase, and Baba Pasha had already opened her mouth to send the driver even further than Maria Illinichna, as the jeep door opened, a pyjony fat man rushed out of her, pulled out the elbow of the chiking Lenka, shouted to the old ladies "Hi girl" and hid in the entrance.

The girls and the words to say him did not have time. Only shortly after the weather, Baba Pasha stumbled, Maria Illinichna was offended, they discussed where the world goes with black jeeps, television housewives and her thick pyjamas. And they decided to spit Lenke on the wrong parking of her young man's car, otherwise they will report on her khal to the police.

The conversation with Lenka did not result. In fact, Lenka fully agreed, but a day later the black jeep came again and parked even closer to the bench.

No action and talk with a thick pyjama. To all the just claims of Mary Illinois and to the even more just blasphemy of Baba Pasha, the fat man always replied: "Don't worship, old men, I am not for a long time, but only until the morning," - he grabbed Lenka under his elbow and hid in the entrance.

It rained for a week. The grandmothers did not go out, but from the window they could see that the big black jeep continued to glimpse, went straight to the bench and shone indifferently with a wet roof.
“That’s not possible anymore,” said Maria Iljinitsna, “in our courtyard it’s gone.
You cannot live, you have to do something.

“I will knock his wheels,” she replied resolutely, “with a knife. once -
and all. Oh, Mary, you are standing in the shower at the entrance.

- He will not leave here at all if his wheels are knocked, logically, but
Maria Illinichna was opposed.

And let it! – Baba Pasha did not lose her determination – let her not leave! by
When he comes next time, he will know.

The friends argued a little more, and when the rain ended, they went down, Maria Illinichna spoke to the caretaker, and Baba Pasha quickly came out of the entrance, and looked around, splashed with a knife on the wheel of the jeep. The wheel did not give up. Stumbling into the wheel with a knife for persuasion and not achieving the result, Baba Pasha returned to the entrance, disconnected Maria Illinichna from the conversation with the concierge and dragged her into the elevator.

“Don’t take your scissor his rubber,” she began with a loud whisper.
The elevator is hollow. There is more to come up with. Think, boy, now is yours
You have not been taught at the institute.

“You can pour sugar into the gasoline tank,” said Maria Ilyinicna.
Marinina read, - and, unexpectedly for herself continued, - and may
Remove the condom with water from the window, like Donzova.

What to throw away?! Bab Paşa, what is it?! to

“Condom,” Maria Illinichna repeated and turned red.

“Gondon,” she summed up, “is a good idea! Nothing to
It translates sugar. Shake it, not sugar. Who do you say read?

- Donzova is so written, - began to justify Maria Ilinichna, -
Or by Bushov. I don’t remember, Pash.

“There are also things in your Donzov books, Masha. must be
Read in the afternoon.

- Yes, I'm going to give you a book right now, - Mary Illinois decided to distract.
A friend of reading, right now.

- No, right now I am tired and I want to sleep, - concluded Baba Pasha, - only
It will succeed tomorrow. Tomorrow we go for condoms.
Do you know where they are sold?

I know, in the pharmacy. Answered half affirmatively.
Mary Illinois and red again.

- Ah, - breathed Baba Pasha and cuddled, - you are backward Male. Their
It is now sold in every store. Let us go to the pharmacy. She to our
The house is closer to any store, before everyone opens and there is a pharmacist
Lydka works, Seregina’s daughter. Now let’s drink tea and sleep.
to sleep. It is already dark.

An hour later, Baba Pasha cried in her room, and in the neighboring room, Maria Illinichna cried. She couldn’t fall asleep, and all tried to figure out how to build the correct phrase so that it didn’t sound the least: “Lida, please give me a condom” or “Be so kind.”
“Lida, please give me a condom.” Without thinking anything, she still fell asleep.

As soon as the pharmacy opened, the grandmothers slipped inside and whispered near the vitrines: Maria Illinichna tried to discourage a friend from buying.

“Imagine,” she whispered, “you’ll ask Lida for condoms.
What will she think of us?

He will think nothing. Their job is to sell what they say.
Bab Pasha objected, - if you don't want to help - go away, I will do without you.

Senior provider Lydia Sergeevna immediately paid attention to two familiar old ladies.

“Bab Pasha, Bab Masha,” she cried out to them, “you don’t know why? You are
Ask me, I will explain.

- We understand everything, Leed, - Baba Pasha finally turned away from a friend, -
Give us all the Gondons!

I laid a straw banknote on the counter.

- You some, smooth, ribbed, with the taste of strawberries, or a banana, - on
Lydia Sergeevna burned the machine, and then the meaning of the request came to her.
What is it?!!! to

- Condoms as you do, - he healed Baba Pasha, - let it all go. A is
They are roasted or the strawberries we and the female are already roasted. Understand themselves
Not a little tea.

At home, the grandmother tried to fill the condom with water in the kitchen washing machine.
The product stretched, swelled, took up the entire volume of the shell and began to crawl out.

– Fathers... – surprised Pavla Sosipatovna, having managed to close the crane, – how
Will we get him out of here so that he doesn’t break?

The old women thought. Mary Illinois finally got an idea.

- Give water with salt, put it in a bag with pens, and then pour water.
We take it out of the shell.

Everything was accomplished. The condom, filled with almost fifteen liters of water, was in a polyethylene bag with pencil, and its "hole" is bound with a rope for reliability. By joint efforts, the grandmothers pulled the package out of the washing machine and attached it to the window, putting the package handles on the window cover.

It was only to wait for a favorable moment and throw the bag down on the jeep. The favorable moment the old lady considered the moment when the thick pyjong sat in the car. She was targeted by Baba Pasha.

We have gone! She said badly and the package flew down.

The old women pulled out of the window. At the bottom there was a loud whisper, a quiet but noticeable "pump" came out - so the traffic leaks out of a bottle of champagne and the male voice maternally cried out.

They fell! Maria Illinichna, let’s see.

The killing! There was a woman down there who murdered a man.
The militia! Call the police!

I will look at you! Bab Pasha reacted immediately, and now go away.
The window. Not in the jeep, but in the fat. deaths
to see. Do you hear it crawl down?

And what to do now? Maria Illinichna whispered confusedly.
The old women thought.

“You know, Pasha,” continued Maria Ilinichna, half an hour later.
I think we have to be guilty. This will not help you, but
Our conscience will be clean.

- With guilt, so with guilt, - agreed Pavla Sosipatovna, - for
Such a harmful man will not give much, and in old age can and not at all.
to land. Go to. You just have to dress clean and warm with you.
to take. Will they suddenly take it?

One and a half hours after the launch of the jeep package, dressed in clean, the old ladies came down and went out of the entrance. Each of them had a bottle of warm things in their hands.

A large black jeep stood where he stood, only red and white ribbons were stretched around, and a police officer was sitting on the bench and writing something in the notebook. A couple of police officers clashed nearby and an ambulance car stood with the doors open.

Who is the old man here, sweetheart? Babi Pasha asked, “Not you.
Is it?

“I,” the police officer answered tiredly, leaving the notebook, “I’m here.
oldest, and you citizens pass, here strangers are not curious
is set.

- So, how strange we are, - even more surprisingly surprised Babu.
Pasha, we are not strangers, because we are his.

What is “you are him”? He did not understand the police, despite the police officers.
Pass, grandmothers, do not interfere with the work of the brigade.

- You are incomprehensible, - searching in the tone of Baba Pasha has become less, -
In Russian they say to you, “We have crushed him.” by accident.

Whom are they crushed? He did not reach the Lieutenant Colonel.

That is a corpse, lord. Angry at the stupid police officer Baba Pasha.
The body we broke.

Did you crush the corpse? The Colonel did not understand anything.

- Allow me to explain, - Maria Illinichna intervened in the conversation and did not
waiting for permission continued with the teacher's tone, you say
The foolish young man: a corpse cannot be crushed - he is already a corpse.
is right?

A police officer responded.

See you here? - continued Maria Iljinitsna, - with the body we settled. A is
Paul and I were very unhappy with how this park was.
The car, we repeatedly commented on the driver, he loaded us, we
They decided to take revenge and threw a condom filled with water onto the car.
They wanted to get into the car and got into the driver. by accident. Do you understand now?
And I wanted to ask: Did he suffer a lot before he died?

In the eyes of the incomprehensible Lieutenant Colonel,
Funny stuff, except one: I don’t know where you got the condom.

“Where we have taken it, there is no more,” she cut off, “you are us or plant us.
Or let go, there is no time to pull.

“Well, grandmother,” said the Lieutenant Colonel, “I’m not going to put you down.
Because not for what.

“Hey, Koleosnikov,” he cried out to the ambulance, “Well, take this here.
The victim! Stop drinking valerian. They are waiting for him here.

The door of the ambulance was slightly opened, and a large man in camouflage shape and armor jerseys gently jumped out on the asphalt.
My grandmother was cold inside.

- The police officer was done, - thought Baba Pasha and shut up Mary.
Illinois, - and maybe it will work out, look for a healthy one, such one
Don’t get hurt by Gon...

- Right now and they will be planted, - thoughtfully replied Maria Ilinichna, going out.
Bab Pasha, or maybe you’ll be shot.

The Omonoviec, fucking reminiscent of the three-piece wardrobe, which Bab Pashe was delivered from his parents, stumbled in the car with his right hand, grabbed there something invisible to the grandmothers, pulled out a small-growth male in wet black clothes and led him to the bench.

The head of the black trembled slightly, saliva escaped from the corner of his mouth.

- Here, grandmother citizens, admire the work of the hands, - smiled
The Lieutenant Colonel. My grandmother was surprised to see the black man.

“Well, moisturizer,” the policeman’s gaze turned through the wet.
A man, tell me who is the employer, where he took the weapon.

The man shaken his head, released saliva and remained silent. At the last words of the Lieutenant Colonel, his eyes fell, he shattered and would fall, but was skillfully caught by the Omonov.

“Daaah,” stretched the Lieutenant Colonel, “leave him, Kolesnikov, no matter what.
So much will not be. For the first time in my life, I have seen contraceptives.
It affected people. and imports. And that, do not stumble too much on the road, or
You are killing the killer.

Have you watched? - Colonel turned to the shattered grandmothers - all
understood?

and all! “Bab Pasha lied, but I didn’t know where our Fat is.

I drove your fat back to the store. He wanted his
Rescue and thank the rescuers. He, by the way, is drawn,
The colonel nodded to the side of the road.

There was really a fat on the road. In one hand he held a large bag, in the other...

Why do you hurt? The colonel’s brows flew up.
Another double.

and A! The fat man put a giraffe on the asphalt, a bag on the bench, and desperately
I shrugged my hand, such a life needs to be radically changed, once I am shot.
have begun. I bought it on the road. Want a champagne, Colonel? or
The Cognac? - The fat shrugged the bag - I was born the second time.
It does.

“Cognac you put in my car,” the colonel nodded with his head.
I do not use it for outsiders. This is champagne.
They are your saviors. I saw the old woman from the window that it was not good.
interfered, successfully applying a contraceptive, similar
With a condom. Is that so, grandmother?

The old women cried, and the colonel smiled:
These old people are conscious. Heroes, let me say.
We are people.

This story in the house is known to all inhabitants from small to large. That's why everyone is very polite and even greeting the grandmothers on the bench.
With their package, they saved a thick pyjone and prevented a custom murder.
So it turned out that the fat producer angered not only grandmothers, but also much more influential people. Much more influential people the producer "ordered".

The killer waited for a favorable moment, hiding behind the open door of the garbage collection chamber. When the fat man came out of the house and opened the door of a large black jeep, the killer took a few quick steps forward and raised a gun with an extinguisher. I even managed to shoot. But did not hit.
For a fraction of a second before the shot, fifteen kilograms of water landed on his head in a condom and a plastic bag with the advertisement of the Copec store.

Almost immediately after the events, Tolstoy’s character changed. He lost weight, began to pay attention to the people around him and even married Lenka. With the purchased giraffe, he is no longer separated. Maybe it happened because
“Many more influential people” were not found, no matter how they were looking for, and he decided to change his style of behavior, I don’t know. But in any case, the old lady who saved him Fat does not forget to this day.