The new expression of my wife when you come to her not on time:
Have you come? Go to tanks!

Where do you find the reasonable and adequate ladies?and (
and...
Married we live, dear, married...

Yesterday my son told me long and thoroughly that when people drown, they need to throw a rescue circle... and inflatable bracelets.
HHH: and here the husband is like this: yes, and rubber hose to put on

All evil

— — — —
Thank you, the evil is missing.

With the development of 3D printers, the phrase "printed the package" is becoming more ambiguous.

You think of yourself as smarter than others, others think of themselves as smarter than you. The result is an arithmetic average.

The story of a magnet and a gun.
In the universe where I work, the so-called Capice armor magnet is used in one training facility. As it was written in the story of the gun, to the magnets in the collider by power our magnet will not reach, but it is far from a magnet for the refrigerator. One and a half Tesla. By the way, in the medical tomograph induction of the same order, only the design of the magnet is completely different. And if that policeman magnetized to the tomograph by accidental nonsense, our "client", a student of the 4th grade, did not finally break up with childhood. During an instruction on security, the comrade whispered: “Nothing will happen, I’m not a iron robot, I’m made of meat.” He held his hands between the polar ends of the enabled magnet. Nothing really happened to him, the meat is not magnetized. It is not magnetized and the gold from which the body and bracelet of his watch is made. Honestly, I don’t know why he came to our god-forgotten institute of electronic engineering to polish our refined chairs with his refined pants, usually people of this type for daddy’s money buy MGIMO or Plekhanovka’s diploma. Well, not to me to judge, let’s go back to our magnet. Expensive watches, though in the gold body, but inside there is ordinary steel. Gold is too soft for the details of precise mechanisms, and you can not make gold springs. Small steel hatches and screws are, of course, not a gun, our magnet did not capture the clock. Only further was the smile of a teacher, an elderly professor who loves to joke “black”.
- Michael (name changed), can you tell me how much until the end of the class?
The guy looks at the clock, does not pause, shakes his hand, the type of "autopilot"
The shooter doesn’t turn, I’ll look at the phone.
I will not bring further dialogue, there are ten minutes of trials on the subject "you were warned: do not put your fingers in the socket, do not drink liquid nitrogen, do not breathe compressed air." The short meaning of that long lecture is that you may be made of meat, and the metal clock, the magnetized details of the clock "slip", and the sprinkle of the loop, most likely, turned into the tape of Mobius. To restore, you need to disassemble the mechanism on the screws and magnetize each part separately.

I have not seen him for more hours.

Jehovah’s Witnesses called the district prosecutor’s apartment and within 15 minutes changed their status from witnesses to suspects.

Girlfriend (a little over 25 years) thoughtfully looking at herself in the mirror: "Yes, I still have a cream from wrinkles, I have no acne yet"

MTS sent an SMS.
I was chosen for devotion.
PaGrom: Oh, it is a great honour
I am going to kill for MTS.
John: HEIL MTS

Discussion of publication and with photo of skin education on the closed medical website:

Surgeon of A.G.
What part of the body is in the picture?

Obstetricians and gynecologists, k.m. by A.V.
Arsen Gasanovich, you don’t see the lift? A middle-handed line, just strongly taken.

Surgeon of A.G.
Alexandra Vladimirovna, I doubted the butt or the nipple

My father tells. A girl engineer came to the factory, just finished the university. He talks to his colleagues about the autumn cold.
Father: Good for the Australians, they have spring now.
Girl: How is it? O_O
The Southern Hemisphere. When we have autumn, they have spring.
D: But how can it be? O_O
A: Well, because of the inclination of the Earth's axis.
D * in panic *: And why was this ax at all bent?! to

Immaculate Conception and ECO.
Dear Russians, focus on it.
The concept of impeccable conception is not directly related to sexism. Immaculate it is called only for one reason: thanks to the "special miracle", the man born as a result of it did not inherit a general human defect - a defect that grew in people from fallen Adam, and passed on by birth to all descendants. Therefore, even through the secas, even through the test tube, even through the hose - the conception will be vicious. People are not able to break the chain of inheritance.
By itself, sexas in Christianity (mentally healthy, this is important) was never considered a defect, as was not considered a defect of food, sleep or other necessities. A defect is considered to be eating, drinking, etc., any unnatural overdrive in any activity, including. and in Seattle. somehow so.
Turn your brain on and read books.

Discussion of the coming end of the world.
M: It is on this day that the god One will be killed by the giant wolf Fenrir. According to the legend, only two people will survive, and they will give life to a new civilization.
V: In the light of current trends, these will be two men.

Responses of the manager at the gym:
You have no water in your shower.
Am I a sanitary?

I recently drove an electric car. I go out to Tampere and a 15-year-old girl follows me. To open the door to another car, you need to press a button of 5-6 centimeters in diameter, illuminated by LEDs around the circle. Press the keyword. The girl approaches that button and barely touches it and nothing happens. The second, third, fifth time is the same. Visibly having decided that the door broke he returns to the one through which it entered the tamper, naturally, already closed. What was her surprise that her "pressures" here have the same effect as last time. Here I have already regretted and with the words "Girl, this is not your iPhone" pressed the button, releasing an astonished miracle from the captivity of the tambour.

Lying and provocation! Until 20 years, there were no mammals, then they grew up, born)
Yyy: By the way, this is your favorite part of the body))
XXX: Breasts are like cats ^_^ and you don’t have it?
zzz:"Oh, what kind of cute, and can you chew?"

I was in the cinema yesterday. Advertising for horror films. A group of Russian tourists went to Finland for shopping, where at night they were taken to a store, where the sellers turned out to be vampires and began to kill buyers. Everywhere screams, blood, and music are playing loud. And then, in the silence that came, a man’s voice from behind said: “Damn, and I wanted to go to Finland.” :D

I work in optics.
A woman and her son, 25 years old, come to us today. When the guy went to the doctor's office to check his vision, his mother turned to us with this question: "Will you check on the letters?" Only he has taught them all, he will deceive you")

From Khabr, discussion of the post on the dissemination of personal data of volunteers by the Olympic Organizing Committee

Yan169: The Winter Olympics in Sochi, the World Hockey Championship in Qatar, a swimming training camp in the Sahara desert, writing a public service website on Brainfuck – all these are large-scale and respected goals and excellent promotions, perfectly revealing the visionary and rational approach of the organizers.