Old New Year’s story. Before the New Year, the trade union of our rural PTU has traditionally identified Santa Claus and Snowball in the team, provided costumes, sweet gifts and car transport - and sent to congratulate the children and grandchildren of employees. It is clear that to congratulate started from the most distant, and ended in the dormitory, so our child was among the last to congratulate. We waited for congratulators in the evening, the daughter read the verse, guessed the puzzles, received a gift, and pleased went to bed, and we offered colleagues to stay in the kitchen for a drink or another.
I have to say that the colleagues came almost sober (even more, among those visited were the management apartments), but as their mission was close to completion (colleagues lived in the same dormitory), they were not against relaxing a little. There was only one congratulation left to them, and this is what came to be said - Santa Claus and Snowmen have to congratulate their own children! Our artists were from different families, but this evening the children were neighborly socialized and expected congratulations together. Our friends visited that for all children the congratulations were a New Year's surprise, and their children, despite the precautions, saw something from the preparations, are aware of what is happening and, of course, parents will learn. What is the surprise?
My wife and I got into the situation and said, “So what’s the problem?” Can you congratulate your children? Take the record!”
Santa Claus, I, like any adult man, have been to it many times – before and after that. But such a spectacular appearance, such opened eyes of amazement, as then, I will not remember! Even so, the children are waiting for Igor’s mother and Seroj’s dad to come with Lena, and instead of them they are coming... Santa Claus and Snowmen! It happened amazingly. Here the parents of the children appeared: "We need to, Santa and Snowmen!“!”
In general, everything went well, which was noted during the subsequent working discussion within the kitchen...
The new year is rushing to us.

Putin said that in the event of agreements with Ukraine, gas for final consumers in Ukraine could be cheaper by 25%.
Dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what need to be agreed with the government to the population of the Russian Federation, so that our gas is cheaper at least by some percentage?

We had a man in the company. One day, he sneezed, a snake flew out of his nose, hanged on his jacket and froze. He had the name Sabiro.

I have a friend, let’s call him Fedor (25 years old). He loves to drink. Drink beer after work and whiskey on weekends. I didn’t even know him at the time. It is clear and explicit. It is not bad for Russian standards. A couple of years ago, he suddenly married everyone. Clown, he had no relationship before the word at all. I don't know why his wife chose him, but immediately after the wedding she began to drink him. You’ll see him again in the company, and he doesn’t drink. Let us all ask, “What’s the matter?” “How about driving?” Leave the car!” At first he was justified that under antibiotics, or tomorrow to get up... Sometimes he still gave up and drunk in the hills. And then he has already begun to really hold for more than six months, and I ask him (dialogue restored approximately in shrinkage):

Do you admit that your wife forced you to leave?

“Yes, no, I read Alain Carr’s book and realized that alcohol is a poison that has an unpleasant taste. Moderate drinkers are also alcoholics only at another stage of alcoholism.

Is his wife satisfied?

So I divorced.

O O O O? ? to ? to

I trembled

Experience is when you know, but you no longer have the strength.

During the Soviet rule in Odessa lived one descendant jeweller - Khayim Osipovich Ermolitsky. When he decided to emigrate, the KGB established a 24-hour surveillance. The commissioners had no doubt that he would try to take out his diamonds. When they saw that he had bought two pairs of shoes on a thick waist, they realized that he wanted to hide the jewelry in them.

And they were right. At home, Khaym shattered the curtains on the windows, took a drill, drilled holes in the helmets and poured stones into them. The holes are carefully sealed. Then I put on my shoes and walked around the room. The diamonds issued such a terrible scream that the old man sweated out of horror.

But since he had no other plans to take them out, he shrugged his hand and said, “Whatever happens!”Diamonds, in principle, he had not very many, so one pair of shoes was enough. The second one he gave to his nephew Misha.

On the appointed day, Haim went to the sea station. The ferry to Haifa departed from there. Misha went to accompany him. In the car he was very nervous.

Misha, you know what? He told his nephew. I am 80 years old. Why do I need these treasures? I want to kiss the Holy Land and die peacefully. You will still need them.

After that, he changed his shoes. At the station of Haima immediately directed to customs officers, who had already been warned. They polently asked him to relax and disassembled his new shoes into component parts. They were so confident that they would send this perpetrator not to Israel, but to the opposite side, that they were even upset.

Then they called where to go and said, “There’s nothing in the shoes, what to do?” They are answered: waste the suitcase, jacket, pants, if there is a hat, waste the hat. They did it – nothing! Again they call where they need to be, those: turn it out, it is impossible that it should not be!

Customs officers, not thinking long, took the unfortunate to the hospital, where he was washed the stomach, forced to drink a liter of contrast fluid, took a X-ray and again found nothing. This time they already say: it’s hard to believe, but apparently we were wrong, sorry for the worry.

Then these customsmen washed their hands with soap and went around the houses. The next shift was followed by a new group of customs officers, which included junior lieutenant Tatiana Nikolaevna Lugovskaya.

This was a simple Soviet woman 55 years old, who due to circumstances of personal and work life was in a rather depressing state of mind. There was a reason for that, but remove it. Just that day, her cat gave birth to six kittens, and could not give them. None of one. They used to eat, and now they say they don’t eat anything.

Then she, with a heavy heart, poured half a bowl of water and drowned them. And the cat went all the way into the bowl to find out what the owner was doing to her puppies. At the same time, she whispered with such a wild voice that this whisper stood in the ears of Tatiana Nikolaevna all the time she was going to the service.

Through her usual affair, Tatiana Nikolaevna hoped to distract herself from the experience, but it wasn’t here. In the office she was waiting for Hermione. The old man, as they say, had no face. And, more precisely, there was nothing on it at all, except blue sitzers and partly white shirts.

This is who? She asked.

He was stuck there, I explained carelessly.

Tatiana Nikolaevna approached the old man, looked at his documents and asked:

– Haim Osipovich, do you have anything to wear?

“I have a desire to die and not see this nightmare,” said Khaym Osipovich.

Does someone accompany you? asked the customs officer.

“Neighbor,” said the old man, and slightly waved in the direction of the door through which he entered the cleansing place.

Then Tatiana Nikolaevna went out to the hall, where the accompanyers were crowded, and asked whether there was a nephew of Khaym Osipovich Ermolitsky among them.

There is! He was immediately found.

“A young man,” said Tatiana Nikolaevna. For reasons beyond my control, the costume and shoes in which Khaym Osipovich was going to go to his historic homeland have become useless. But don’t worry, Haim Osipovich himself is almost in full swing. He just needs to change his clothes before he leaves.

“I can only get rid of myself,” the nephew suggested.

Would you go home in shorts and shorts?

- Listen, in Odessa, a pedestrian in a coward and a maid is a normal phenomenon, - found a nephew. Maybe he’s coming back from the beach, or maybe he’s gone out to throw the garbage. But to appear in this way abroad is uncomfortable. Foreign media may misinterpret this. Do you understand me?

“Well, let’s see what you have there,” Tatyana Nikolaevna breathed, and five minutes later, Khaym Osipovich wore his nephew’s jeans, his Adidas T-shirt with three red strips on his shoulders and completely new shoes, where all his life’s savings lay.

How do you feel? The younger lieutenant Lugansk.

“Better,” Haim Osipovich replied laconically and went to the trap.

Vadim Yarmoulinets

Putin told the Russians that they now have a hypersonic missile capable of hitting America.
And about the fact that the Russians have salaries and pensions that can hit America - he did not say.

I was waiting for the baby to drink beer in liters. My wife’s behavior has not changed.

YYY: Ohoo, do I mean I’ve been on the subconscious for 8 years waiting for a baby, especially on weekends?

Zzz: The Latent Father

Something funny and unclear happened yesterday. The engineer calls, two monitors simultaneously started to loosen. Coming here, it will be very good. Connected these monitors to another comp in the neighboring cabinet, there is no strip. I pulled the monitors back, slapped. Connected monitors from another company from the neighboring office, loose. I decided to do something with the compass. Replaced the system, it will still fade. We checked the power wires, tried in different options to connect, slash. I pulled another system from the warehouse. We installed a new monitor from the box, as well as stripes. Here, the engineer gives out that he only brushes in the morning and in the evening when it is dark on the street, and when the sun shines then the norm. Here it shaded, turned off the lights in the office, the lanes disappeared. It turned out that the cabinet replaced the mercury lamps with LEDs, and just above the table of this comrade, there was a faulty lamp that flashed, somehow the flashing frequency of the lamp coincided with the frequency of the monitor and from this there were bands. I wanted to run after the shaman. and :-)

As experience has shown, our authorities are consistent, determined and purposeful only when there is an opportunity to push something else from the population.

I drink with my neighbor. He is, as they say, the “black woods.” They gather such in the area, give "Friendship" and roll the forest forward.
And then next? Come the same, workers, electricity on trucks and that the car is registered for it. A type of private. But what there! All the roads, the road, the cargo for the steam carrier and even the customs - everything is paid! And the governor’s catch, be sure. Well, burned Taiga in the summer...and what to do? There, some clouds from Moscow were filled with checks and we cut off from half-Moscow without taxes. We didn’t think that nobody would come to shut up! When the fire broke out in Irkutsk, I thought, "What kind of shit didn't it be extinguished the first day?"“Economically it is not feasible,” as the governor said. and what? Tell me he’s not down? Yes, I understand everything, the forest there, the environment and all the business. I, a man with an engineering education, feed mosquitoes and can’t sleep in a tent. But that’s money, Yuri. Not very chilly. Stolen from my grandchildren. I just want to take my wife to an island in this life.
If I’m straight, I’m not bragging. We are like a normal president, there are all sorts of factions. and what? So far no one has come to the point that it is necessary to TUPO to ban the export of "rounds" outside the country? Fuck, at least a moratorium for 5 years and our "forestry" will turn into "refinery enterprises". And we are not going to buy Chinese fireworks from our forest, they are from us.
I have nothing to add, I just shuddered while listening.

Interesting fact: the gas pipeline "Power of Siberia" is not led to any Siberian city.

I would love to remain calm. I don’t have a suitable storage container.

As an epigraphic joke.

BBC journalists interview a man in Siberia:
“What about food in Siberia?”
“It is normal! You will shoot the lousy, you will twist the peelmen and put them under the water."
“What about housing?”
“No problem! He went into the forest, crushed trees, built a cottage.
“And what are the negative aspects of life in Siberia?”
It is cold, crazy!!

Our friends moved from Toronto to Miami. The first thing we saw was the snow cleaning machine.
I asked, “Why is she here?”
The owner replied, “When we have doubts about the correctness of the move, we look at it. The doubts are dissipated!”
“And what do you see as the negative aspects of life in Florida?”
“Imagine the sun, the resort, people rest, relax, go to the sea... And you, like an idiot, go to the other side to work!”

It turned out that only the former communists could build the most terrible and wild capitalism.
They simply implement the model of capitalism that the Communist Party told them.

I remembered a familiar story. It was then her son Ilyushka 5-6 years old and they went somehow to the children's theater. A fairy tale, a weekend, the hall is full. The actors play well, all the attention of the hall is attached to what is happening on stage. The story goes to the point when Alenushka returns to the monster and the monster lies dead. Alenushka walks and cries, "Where are you, my unseen friend?"The children all look, hiding their breath, silence... And here the ringing, full of compassion voice of Ilushka is heard: "Wow, he is dead! Fuck you while you wait!” 

In general, the performance the actors were able to continue only in a few minutes, and the "dead" monster still long scratched his back and shoulders.

I recently attended a court hearing on an administrative offence. At the beginning of the proceedings, the judge establishes the identity of the person being prosecuted. This time it was a citizen of Kyrgyzstan, which is actually salt. C is the judge, P is the offender.

Q: Your education?

A: The normal...

Normal, what is it? Higher, Higher and Higher?

Q: I have finished school.

Q: Is your family situation? Please don’t say it’s normal.

A: It is heavy...

Q: Does that mean married?

It means solitary...

The most important thing is not karma, but the pocket.

His years are my wealth.
(To the disappointment about the age, which has recently leaked on the site.)

Difficult duty: severe anesthesia, unpleasant patients, whom even their mother-in-law would not be able to love, emotionally unstable parents, bringing to hysteria their children going for surgery, foolish relatives with dumb and old jokes about the use of cuvalda for anesthesia, methamphetamine-packed bombage - all this hernia managed to squeeze in those 30 hours.
I sit in my office in the opera block, poisoned by negativity and fatigue, like an old toradoor overwhelmed by bulls, and, holding my head with my hands, I think:
It is time to end, all, 35 years of this life - it is necessary to leave, until I have yet to hate my vocation and all my work in medicine, exhausted to the bottom, seemingly bottomless wells of my humanism have exhausted and dry, and health is no longer that, not a boy, 57, joints hurt, heart...
The most bottomless shake - compassion for myself, sinking, I drown in it, without attempting to resist, the strength simply did not remain, even to breathe laziness!
And here, with his youthful, as if dancing, walk, to me comes the sluggish stretched doctor Jay, a 90-year-old, his office closed 10 years ago, but continues to resort to Caesarean as an assistant, an enthusiast and an optimist, master of his business, Caesarean with his participation lasts times faster and with much less blood loss than in the best centers (20 minutes and two glasses, I called this dynamic duo, first working with them 20 years ago)
(And despite the fact that we are 20 years old, our caesareans remain as fast and low-blooded.)
Misha, we need you, we are all busy, let’s go, let’s get up, let’s work!
In that state, I would send anyone, but I could not refuse him - he was already working as a doctor in 1960, when I didn't even itch in my father's wombs!
He helped me get up, hugged my shoulders, and we went to the operating room – Napoleon raised his wounded guard in the final attack at Waterloo.
The air of the operating room revived me, I stumbled – like an old combat horse at the sounds of a military orchestra!
I put the spine playing, a lovely couple, the first child, a boy, shouted as they were pulled out and immediately described the midwife, the newborn was brought to us in five minutes, I took them family photos, group portraits of two and three, the uterus was well shrunk, they slowly closed the stomach, mommy thanked us all, and I went home...
I go and think: no, we will fight, we will sleep for five hundred minutes, we can sleep for six hundred and we will fight!

Instead of following:
Several of our doctors are fascinated by piloting, a small airport right behind the town, hangars, small Sessna.
I flew a couple of times with my partner – the father-founder of modern anesthesiology of our town. It is fun to fly over your home or hospital, over autumn vineyards.
And safely, he masterfully owns piloting, I was asleep...
Last weekend he had his birthday, I ask, how did he have it?
I taught my grandson to fly.
Shame to say, but I forgot how much you knocked?
89 is.
affairs...
The air here, what is so special?
Is it water like that? @Michael Ashnin

2020 is the year of the rat.
Using this opportunity, I would like to congratulate the deputies, the government and all officials!