bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №157303
 12.12.2021
My younger son at the age of 8 very much wanted a dog, followed me and urged him to have it. My plans were not to get up early and walk with her. I had enough sleepless nights with the kids and I could finally sleep peacefully over the weekend. He swore that he would walk with her. Truth is truth! He looked at me with honest eyes. My heart trembled. Well, I said, let’s check it out. You will have to get up before school, go out, stand for a second and immediately go home. If you can last a week, we will take it. The son was delighted, he said, give it two weeks. I said weeks would be enough.

How many times has he gone out? The answer is 0 times.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №157302
 12.12.2021
I was 12. At the class in the pool, the most beautiful girl in our class drowned her glasses. She announced that she would kiss the one who would get them.

None of the alpha males could get to the bottom. I was sick, I got my glasses.

As I got out, I prepared my lips.

I gave her glasses, and she said they were not her. He goes to the dressing room.

I dive again, but there were no other glasses on the bottom.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №157301
 12.12.2021
Defining the degree of stupidity:
prejudice – excellent degree of stupidity;
* stupid - the degree of stupidity, not exceeding the average for the region, country, office, etc.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №157300
 12.12.2021
Are there doctors on the plane?

An advertisement at a height of ten kilometers throws in the frost. Two hours, as they took off in Antalya, and to Moscow is the same. Child crying and silence. Are there doctors on the plane?

There is! There is! I am a doctor.

A light-haired young woman in a minute was near the one-and-a-half-year-old Alina, whose body was beaten by seizures. The child has already lost consciousness, breathing and heartbeat have slowed to a complete stop.

33-year-old Guzelia Valeyeva - a dentist, head of the branch of the 2nd Dental Clinic of Ufa, who, by will of fate, was in the same plane "Anthalia - Moscow", conducted, in fact, the resuscitation of the child, making an indirect heart massage.

350 passengers of the huge Boeing 737-800 flight SU 2143 remained silent. The first attack was stopped, but immediately the second went, the girl began to become blue. However, Valeyeva continued resuscitation activities, and the child was suffocating and came to consciousness.

Then there was an emergency landing in Rostov. The reanimation car and all the services were waiting on the runway. Alina is alive and her life is no longer threatened.

Afterwards, in Rostov, Valeyeva said: "I tried to pull out the tongue with all the false means. The child was forced to inhale air, did a heart massage. After a few minutes, they began to put the child on a flat surface, change the position, and this repeated again. Everyone tried to help - the airplane staff, the boarding staff, got all the pharmacies, drugs, everyone who has any... Doctors have cases when we save a person's life, and so had to face. But, of course, not on board, where there are no tools and no personnel.”

You know, I’ve heard several times in the air the phrase “There are doctors in the plane?” Fortunately, on board was someone who gave the oath of Hippocrates, and everything ended safely - a doctor in the plane, landing, ambulance on the lane, life continues. But every time I hear that someone has been rescued in the sky because of the random presence of doctors among the passengers, I’m not at ease. What if there is no doctor on a particular flight? If there is no probability theory and people able to save a passenger's life will fly another flight or stay at home? Have you not thought about it?

by PS. Dr. Valeyeva rescued the little Alina on the flight SU 2143 of Aeroflot - Russian Airlines. But no reaction to what happened from the main air carrier of the country for some reason followed. Is the rescue of a child’s life by a doctor accidentally on board an event for Aeroflot?

Photo by Dr. Guzelia Valeyeva. The same flight.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №157299
 12.12.2021
Life is as we imagine it. It all depends on our perception. Every situation can be looked at from different sides. You can be divorced and you can be free. You can be a burdened household, and you can be a guard of the fireplace. You can drag on a family, and you can be the support of loved ones. You can wipe your ass all your life, and you can devote yourself to children. You can even be hopelessly sick, and you can be aware of the outcome. Words are insidious, they decide what you will feel.

[ + 31 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157298
 11.12.2021
If Karl Marx was really right when he argued that being determines consciousness, then I would like to listen to Soloviev, Skabeev, and Kiselev after they are paid the median Russian salary of 32 trillion.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №157297
 11.12.2021
Absolutely not funny.
When we were young, like all the kids, we loved sweets, which our parents occasionally bought us and my mom was in hell. We thought our dad didn’t like sweets at all, he never ate them in his life, he always gave us. That there was something "wrong" in this I began to guess, unfortunately, only by the age of 20. One day I asked him to eat a chocolate candy, a box of which, "for the case," I bought and brought him as a guesthouse. Trying not to show emotions, Dad eaten candy with obvious pleasure. I myself severely refused to eat those sweets and ordered him to eat all the sweets before my next arrival (after 5-6 days). My father ate candy. He always loved sweets, but he loved his children even more, so he gave them to us. From that day on, when I visited, I always brought him a box of the best chocolate candy.
I remembered the myth when the bird fed its puppies with its heart.
Dad, how I miss you!! to

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №157296
 11.12.2021
Potanin's ex-wife demands from his ex-husband a 50% stake in Nornikel. The people of Russia, who built the Nornikel, demand nothing.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №157295
 11.12.2021
I watched the anime "One on a flight" - I understood the rules of baseball. I watched the anime "Akagi - the legend of mahjong" - interested in mahjong. I am currently looking for anime "Administration of servers on Linux"...

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №157294
 10.12.2021
My ex-husband was of twins was..I never confused, I have known since 10 years. Their head was slightly different shape, and then brother's front tooth was broken and it became quite simple :)

A few stories on the subject.

My husband's brother (190 height) had a girl, a small one (we lived in the same apartment then). My husband comes from the kitchen, she approaches him in front of my eyes, hugs him, and tastingly compresses his buttocks. I sit, rush, because I understand that she is stupidly confused. My husband’s eyes are on his forehead – the expression of his face is invaluable!!! and then she raises her eyes and as AAAAAAAAAAAA shakes up, it came to pass that the guy was fossilized like that.

I was taken to the army, but my brother was not. My brother and I went to my house to bring cigarettes and food. We go to the CPP, we say **** can I call? My answer is, Kiev on Brother – and who is this? I say – his brother... Ah, and I am a sister... The other person comes in, in a way higher, says ***** fuck your mother, why are you in the civil? I say it’s his brother...Ah, and I’m a sister...I’ve been called for the third time. Then the whole company came to see - aaah, they were the same!!!! to

[ + 21 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157293
 10.12.2021
The problem of modern times is the inability to distinguish development from transformation.
And encountering another variation, a person takes it for improvement.

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157292
 10.12.2021
Dr. Mark was a famous oncologist. One day he flew to an important conference in another city where he was to be awarded a prize in medicine. However, an hour after taking off, an emergency landing took place at the nearest airport. The doctor rented a car and went to the conference.
Shortly after he left, the weather deteriorated and a strong storm began. Because of the heavy rain, the Internet disappeared in the navigator, it turned wrong and lost.
After two hours of driving, he realized he was missing. He felt hungry and terribly tired, so he decided to look for a place to stay. Finally, he stumbled upon a small house. Desperate, he got out of the car and knocked on the door.
The door was opened by a woman.
He explained and asked her to use the phone. The woman replied that she had no phone, but he could go in and wait until the weather improved.
The hungry, wet and tired doctor accepted her offer and entered. The woman gave him a hot tea and said he would go to pray. Dr. Mark smiled and said he believed only in hard work.
Sitting at the table and drinking tea, the doctor watched the woman in the dim light of candles as she prayed next to the baby bed. The doctor understood that the woman needed help, so when she finished praying, he asked her:
What exactly do you want from God? Do you think God will ever hear your prayers?
The woman smiled sadly and said:
“My son, who suffers from a rare type of cancer and there is only one doctor, his name is Mark, who can cure him, but I don’t have the money to afford it, besides, Dr. Mark lives in another city. God has not answered my prayer yet, but I know it will help... and nothing will break my faith.
Shaken and lost the gift of speech, Dr. Mark just cried. He whispered:
God is great...
He remembered everything that happened to him today: a failure in the plane, the heavy rain that caused him to go astray; and all this happened because God not only answered her prayer, but also gave him a chance to get out of the material world and gave him the opportunity to help the poor miserable people who have nothing but prayer.

[ + 40 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №157291
 10.12.2021
Summary of the Commercial Director.

In the Mesozoic era there were large and long dinosaurs. Imagine such a giant 40 meters long. To his tail runs a small predator the size of a cat and begins to bite meat. The dinosaur’s nerve fibers send a signal to his head: something is wrong. But the signal speed is only 80 meters per second (this is the norm for a person). A signal in the brain. Half a second to make a decision: see what’s there. The neck with the head turning: Aha! They eat me! It takes another second and a half. In the tail ran the team: to crush this dumb bitch into a farce. Half a second and the tail begins to move. A total of three seconds. During this time, you can bite a good piece, jump away and watch the tail movements of the unlucky dinosaur.

Do you think these diplodocks walked with scratched tails? Nothing at all! The dinosaurs developed a second decision-making center. This is not a brain, but a thickening of the spinal cord the size of a walnut. It was just under the tail, in the ass. Now the dinosaur could take simple decisions three times faster and so easy it was not to bite him. Yes is. Decisions have been made but it is a compelled compromise. Working in a large company, don’t be surprised that many issues are solved “through the ass.” A decision by the head can take several years.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №157290
 09.12.2021
When I was a child, I was a very smart boy. And then almost the whole mind went away.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №157289
 09.12.2021
On December 7, 1988, one of the worst catastrophes of the 20th century occurred, the most powerful earthquake in Armenia with numerous casualties.
As a witness to those events, I have already told some episodes, you can read here: https://www.anekdot.ru/id/921079/ and here: https://www.anekdot.ru/id/985058/.

It was completely destroyed the city of Spitak, about 70-80% of Leninikan with a population of 200 thousand, as well as smaller towns and numerous villages. Official statistics say about 25 thousand dead and 140 thousand disabled, but according to my feelings at the time, this number is much higher. This was aggravated by the still high mountainous winter, with nightly negative temperatures, the chances of survival of people who were under the falls, and not excavated during the first, maximum three days, were extremely small.

The tragedy did not leave the whole Union indifferent, huge tails were built at the blood donation points, many people tried to send a package with strong aid. International aid with food and things flew from all corners of the world, doctors, rescuers and simply indifferent people came to Armenia from all countries, humanitarian, all kinds of help, both from most states and from individuals...
If it had happened today, would it have happened? I doubt it, but that’s not the story.

There have been cases of miraculous salvation, one of which I want to tell you today.
Very then remembered the story of 25-year-old teacher Emma Akopyan and her 4-month-old daughter Mariam. No, I was not a direct eyewitness, I read in a local newspaper, which began to be distributed in Leninikan, about 7-8 days. Basically, there were printed lists, who is where or who was identified, as well as information on receiving help, etc. But that day the newspaper came out with a photo on the front page of this woman, with a baby on overtone arms, and her stunning story.

They lived on the 3rd floor of the fifth floor, at the first pushes the woman only had time to take the child on her arms, as the house formed, and they found themselves under a crash. She was a little lucky that they were going for a walk and Emma had time to put on socks and a hoodie, but the child was still in the sleeve and slippers.
“I woke up in the dark, one leg was under the panel, the head almost tight between the others. There was only one hand between my daughter’s head and the plate. She covered her lungs with her other hand so that she didn’t get inflamed. I was squeezed from all sides, so I didn’t feel the cold,” the woman recalls.
The next day the milk was gone, and Emma, as it was written in the newspaper, cut her fingers with a piece of glass and fed her baby with her blood.

7 days, 6 hours, 40 minutes they spent under the dam.

I discussed this case somehow with a doctor I knew, and he said that a child at this age and under those conditions would need at least 200-250 grams of blood per day, primarily because of the risk of dehydration. And not once, but in portions, 4-5 times a day. And that from the finger such a amount of blood to get very difficult.
On the sloping upper plate, sometimes the water coated, Emma slid her, turning her head out to pain and wiping off her tongue to blood. She tried to scream, but quickly became tired and the little girl was scared and began to cry.

Think about people! and seven days.), almost lost faith, in the fact that she will ever be found (with her words: thought that everyone outside also died), squeezed and wounded (later they will do the operation on the head and remove a piece of glass from the spine), hungry, with a squeezed body, dehydrated... - still cut glass on her hands to feed her daughter with blood at least 4 times a day. Cutting and cutting, six days in a row... What a maternal feat, I just have no words to express my admiration for this Mother...

I remembered the story of an 11-year-old boy from a small village in the mountains, who realized that there is nowhere to wait for help, and alone digged from under the debris of houses and buried his parents and all his 11 (!) The dead relatives. Each of them in a separate grave and tablets made with names. Tell about him to your... over-the-counter bulldozers, when he begins to weep again, well, how hard he is. I would not wish that to anyone. But on this example – what is the real male duty and at what age some boys become men with the big letter... But today is not about that.

On December 14, Emma was felt by the dog of the French rescue team, when there was almost no belief in the survivors under the falls. Through the excavated small hole, she handed Mariam over to the French, and it took rescuers seven more hours to pick up the plates and get her herself.

Do you know why and how this happened to me? I read the address in the newspaper. The light, d 111), and having dropped this house on the map, was very close to our location, I clearly realized that I had passed past this wreck not once. I walked a week, moved, cold in the post, heated up at the stoves and fireplaces, slept, ate, drank tea, relaxed, boiled alcohol with the rescuers from the Special Atom... and she lay there without movement all this time - in the darkness, in the cold, in the shit, tormented by thirst and pain, without hope... but once in a while she cut and cut her hands with glass so that her daughter lived...

Oh, not those heroes are suited to us today... All these modern “heroes” of Instagram, TikTok and YouTube are not suitable for this woman...

In 1990, Emma was invited to France by President Mitterrand, and she was applauded by the Parliament of France. Three cities in the country awarded her medals. The same goes for two Greek cities. The Council of the CIS countries awarded Emma Akopyan the award "Symbol of the Mother of the World", and the international organization "Red Cross" awarded her a special award. This Mother’s feat will remain forever in history. It is officer.

And now Emma with her daughter Miriam, son and husband live in Yerevan, and really do not like to remember those events, but Emma is constantly carrying a bottle of water in her bag, without her begins a light but persistent panic...

P.S Women who suddenly decided to leave their child because of real or imagined difficulties - please remember Emma Akopyan and her story.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №157288
 09.12.2021
Dad, my wheel is down.
What do you call me, daughter, you have a husband, call him!
He called, he didn’t answer.
There is no reserve?
He called, but he did not answer either.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №157287
 09.12.2021
Daughter, 9 years old: And what, children, when they grow up may want to leave their parents? And why?

Not to disturb the parents.

My daughter: to die?

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №157286
 09.12.2021
I am a young student, studied in the capital, myself from the village, so I often went there. The distance is decent 570km ground road, drive about 10 hours. Therefore, it was necessary to charge the phones and banks so that God will not leave without music and books. And here I found a taxi driver, my neighbor in the village, picked up my things, and I waited for 7 hours when I was picked up. The phone charged and what not to spend the charge put the mode in the plane and I lay waiting, only after a couple of hours understood why I am not called. 50 missed and a bunch of SMS, then mat in the phone. And the driver can not lose a passenger before leaving it is immediately minus 2500. I told him the phone was broken.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №157285
 08.12.2021
I did a second vaccination at the shopping center. I asked the nurse, before the injection, in an attempt to establish some kind of contact: "And from the second it will be worse?"

She didn’t even look at me and with the most relaxed, tired voice, picking up the medicine in the syringe replied:

“I do not know. They do not come to us after the second."

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №157284
 08.12.2021
One day, I cheated on a machine with a bagel. He threw a five-ruble coin into him, and he gave me a bagel. It would seem, nothing unusual, but he gave out ALL))) He poured them out and poured them out until they were pulled out of the socket. Maybe it was the biggest win in my life...Jackpot, fucking :(

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